I hope everyone has a relatively peaceful holiday season. This is such a tough time of year for us caregivers. Not only do we have the normal holiday stuff to deal with but then we have our charges stuff to help with. It's super tough when it's a family member that your caring for.
As for mine... It went about as I expected. Personally I'm not a big Christmas person for many reasons. My Mom & Grandma are though. My brother & his girlfriend, my son, and youngest daughter came to visit for 3 days which we all enjoyed though it was tough on me when they left. I miss my family at home so much and if I'm honest, I hate this place. A Southern girl in a northern place just doesn't work well I'm finding. Mom and Grandma took turns acting out and having fits both during and after their visit. Then Mom wanted to criticize them after they left and gossip about how they live their lives which drives me up the wall. As for Christmas dinner, I cooked dinner and then occupied the grandbabies while everyone ate. Then did the cleanup. Talk about feeling a little hurt and left out. I can say I'm glad Mom and Grandma enjoyed it.
I'm glad this is the last of it though. I have informed the relevant family members that I'll be leaving to go home shortly after Mom's last chemotherapy treatment which is April. That gives them time to get their ducks in a row when it comes to how to take care of Grandma or what to do if Mom can't physically take care of Grandma. It helps me having a semi concrete end date for this. My brother is in agreement and will come to get me to go home.
I hope we all have a better 2024 than 2023. I applaud and raise a toast to all of us that are navigating these difficult waters. We'll get through this but it definitely will leave is mark.
Our Christmas was quiet, as all our days are. We had a pleasant visit from stepdaughter's family, but we stayed distanced because they're always coming down with something at this time of year. We enjoyed Christmas programming on TV and went for walks and rides.
I made the decision NOT to send DH's estranged son the $400 we usually send him at Christmas. The estrangement happened 4 years ago when son asked DH for a huge sum of money (6 figures) despite never having paid back other huge sums that he'd borrowed for house, trucks, divorce etc. DH told son he was way out of line to ask, considering.
After Christmas that year, I received a rude communication from the son. He was angry that I'd not sent toys for his kids. This was at the start of the pandemic. My son had died in an accident right before lockdown started. We'd moved to a new state and knew no one, and life was hard, especially with DH's worsening health problems. We didn't go out at all due to Covid. I could barely drag myself out of bed each day, but I'd ordered a beautiful fresh Christmas decoration for the son's family, the same as we'd sent to our other children. Apparently that wasn't enough.
My rule is not to respond to shaming or belittling in any way, but this time I sent a brief note to son and wife saying that we had chosen to observe the holiday by sending something the whole family could enjoy, and happy new year. In following years, I've sent $400 with a note that we no longer shop - true - and we hope they'll use it for their family Christmas presents. We never received a thank you. Not once. Nor a Christmas card. Or a present. (Note: son has a good job and they live in a big beautiful house to die for. His wife works also.)
So this year I held strong and didn't send them anything! I am proud of myself. Enough is enough.
About mid-December we started the process of remodeling the interior of our house. Pulling up all of the carpet, and replacing with engineered flooring, repainting, replacing light fixtures, replacing outlets and outlet covers (from almond to white) replacing kitchen faucet, scraping remaining popcorn ceilings on the main floor, painting kitchen cabinets, replacing kitchen countertops,
Not something that would be done by Christmas - but we knew that going in. My youngest daughter still lives at home and has always had her own small (4ft) Christmas tree in her room, so we decided that would be our only tree this year, since the main floor was at subfloor only for Christmas.
I thrive in chaos - lol. The universe said "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!"
My narcissistic FIL, the one that we have all shared caregiving responsibilities for over the last few years, and the reason I came to AC - passed away quietly on 12/21 at his nursing home. The family was called in on 12/20 and we were all able to say goodbye - the grandchildren who were not local all called to say goodbye. We even called his Flying Monkey Sister.
On 12/21 - because he was in a Veteran's home - DH, youngest DD and I were able to participate in his Honor Walk as he was escorted from the facility by the funeral home. Residents and Staff lined the halls, and any of those who were Veterans or active military saluted as he passed under a flag and they had a moment of silence.
12/23 we were at the funeral home to make arrangements. We aren't having a funeral, just a private family memorial. Flying monkey aunt already hates us so why not put the final nail in that one?
12/24 we would have normally done Christmas Eve with DH's family - but SIL did not feel up to it. Since oldest DD had made the drive home and was only home for 24 hours - I cooked a huge meal and we had a private family Christmas at home.
12/25 - Christmas Day - we opened gifts at home and then spent the rest of the day with my side of the family. It was peaceful and very nice.
12/26-12/28 - I spent going through MOUNDS of paperwork at FIL's house to decipher his "filing system" while DH got back to work on our house. SIL and I got rid of FOUR contractor bags of TRASH that he had hoarded in the two little side cubby attics, plus EIGHT 18-gallon totes that will need to be shredded. There was exactly HALF of ONE 18-gallon tote that was savable. Have I ever mentioned that FIL was a minor hoarder?
The rest of the holiday was relatively quiet, with DH working on the house- which is still in flux - the flooring goes in soon - yay!!.
Our caregiving journey for FIL has come to an end..
Honestly - all of the things we told ourselves we would feel when he passed away we were right. I'm still not sure that DH and SIL have felt grief. He was such an abusive narcissist that I think they mostly feel guilt that they feel relief, and on top of things he was suffering a bit there at the end, and there was relief that he was no longer suffering. I think it feels strange not to really feel - anything - when someone that you have spent so much time with passes away.
There are obviously no right or wrong feelings - but I think we feel like we should feel a certain way and when we don't - we feel bad that we don't - if that makes sense. Life has already moved on to the - things that need to be done after - without much fan fare.
Looking forward to a renovated house and good things in 2024.
We kept the holiday small, our 2 kids , their significant others, one sister and one nephew . No one got sick , we were lucky this year !!
I’m hearing about other relatives that I did not see that have now come down with Covid . Unfortunately, every holiday season it will be a gamble.
My FIL in AL came down with Covid today . A lot of the residents have it. He was already declining prior . It’s been a tough ride with FIL that never seems to end with one thing coming up after the other. Assuming and Waiting for that call that we have to place him in SNF , which will be a huge dramatic scene with FIL. He has dementia and believes he will get better .
I have been wishing people “ A Better New Year “. I have two good friends fighting cancer right now. “ A Happy New Year “ may be setting the bar too high .