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Cattails, maybe you are right. Another has told me that as long as I do the same thing, expect the same results. Why should I expect anything different? I am doing everything so he doesn't have to, to see the light - I must let him handle and take care of her, and quit complaining & nagging.
See, when I get so worn and frazzled, I start calling or texting him, saying what is going on. I have even voice recorded her outbursts at me. She has gotten so mad when I am on a real estate call, not paying attention to her, she explodes. Then gets so mad, that at times she is chasing me with her walker doing the stomp walk after me. I have locked myself in my room until she calms down, staying out of reach, but within earshot - listening to where is she now or what is going on .My husband tells me WHY am I bothering him with this. Just ignore her & quit being so upset. I don't understand why doesn't he care about me and what I go through? Why doesn't he care? Why? I keep hanging onto the thoughts of better times ahead. I don't blame him for not wanting to be around me, I don't even want to be around me at this point in my life. I look tired all the time, I can't even fit into my nice clothes anymore, my mood is lousy, I find it hard to laugh, my nose is into reading, or trying to calm my mind by playing internet games on facebook, but now THAT was taken away from me - my laptop started giving me issues, my husband said facebook creates havoc on computers and those games are known to crash systems so I am not allowed to do that anymore OR he will NOT fix my computer, so that is that. I need this computer for my real estate most of all, so now I had to find another outlet to calm my mind. Here I am, I found this website. Now I can't get my fingers to stop writing. Is it doing any good? Yes, I don't like what I see. I guess seeing it in print is giving me a new perspective on my way of life.
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Ohiogal, I understand how frustrated you are, and at your wits end, but I also think YOU maybe in denial also. You are so focused on your mother-in-law, that you're missing how messed up your husband is. Just the fact that you both keep your monies separate, is a red flag to me. It seems to me from reading what you've written, that your husband and his mother are cut from the same cloth. They are BOTH selfish, inconsiderate people who are leaning on the narcissistic side in my humble opinion. I am NOT suggesting you divorce this man, but I AM suggesting that you leave him for awhile. He needs time alone with his mother in order to appreciate you more. If you have a friend, or maybe one of your sons that you can go stay with for awhile, DO IT. And I'm talking about maybe a MONTH away, not a few days. Good luck.
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Zoey, I am just dazed and confused over why this is happening. Why isn't there some sort of treatment to make alzheimers stop in it's tracks. I read, and read, and read some more. Guess I am too concerned over what is best for her, than taking care of what is good for me. That has always been my way of life. Take care of the ones in front of you. Husband, children, pets, work, now MIL. My time will come,later, when I can dream of doing what I want, when I want, how I want. But I guess that is just a fantasy. Not the real world. By the time I reach that point - age will have caught up and who knows, maybe I will be the next alzheimer's patient. And I think about that. I don't want to ever burden my family if this happens to me. It can cause a divorce and ruin lives. No, can't do that to them. So I pray this disease stays out of my life.
My husband is too busy and focused on other areas of his life, that he doesn't make time for his mom, me, his 2 daughters, his granddaughter - most of the time, anyway. It's hard to explain. He hears what he wants to hear. Sees what he wants to see. Example: when we first brought his mom back, to live with us, she could do simple tasks & make/heat things in microwave, she was slow - but when she found out that she wasn't going back to live on her own in Florida, she has been going downhill. No longer can she make oatmeal in the microwave, like she has done for years and should be able to do it in her sleep - she forgets how long to set the time, or doesn't see the time she pushes clear enough, so she can harm herself by the item being in the microwave too long. She can no longer make coffee, because she forgets paper filter, or puts in double water, or doesn't sit it in properly with coffee spilling all over onto floor where she can slip and fall. She has tried to reheat coffee by putting the whole coffee pot in microwave where it has metal on it, with sparks flying inside. That was scary. She says she does this all the time at home. No big deal. Geez. She has tried to use a knife to peel and almost cut her finger off. We have large wooden windows that we prop open with a stick, since they don't stay open on their own - and one day, she decides to climb over his guitars to get to it, not understanding that wooden window will slam down like a guilotine, could chop off her fingers! But his daughter caught her in time - that was so close!! The window could have even slammed down so hard where the glass could have broken all over her. Now, to be safe, windows stay shut with air conditioning on to eliminate that issue. My husband has no sympathy with me, wanting help and assistance. He says his mom is "one tough bird" and has managed to be ok for 90 yrs, and if something happens - it happens. I am NOT expected to stay home to take care of her. He feels I should continue on, leave her home alone and go on real estate appointments that can take hours of time away. BUT I AM expected to make sure she gets all her meals, snacks, pills, shower, clothes washed, home cleaned, etc and told me to get out of real estate where I could have fixed hours, like 9 to 5, she will be fine alone. Where I would have guaranteed wages, instead of real estate where pay days can be far and few inbetween. But wait a minute, if I had that kind of job, I would NOT have the flexibility to come home and fix lunch, make sure she is not doing things she shouldn't, what about doctor appts or days she is sick and needs bed care? Hmmm. I could go on and on. The doctor has even said she can NOT be left alone, due to being a danger to herself and others. She is also under a fall risk. She also can't make good decisions. He is in denial!!!! or maybe he just doesn't care. (Unless it affects HIM). I don't want to get in anger mode. I just want to figure this out on what is truly best for my MIL. She doesn't have that long on earth to live - and she has given so much to her children, it's time for THEM to give back to her. Why I am so prominent in the picture is the fact THEY aren't doing what THEY should be doing. So I am the only one left to carry the task.
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Ohio: Your husband is not in denial. He just doesn't care. If she breaks her neck, then she breaks her neck. Not his problem. Why he thinks this in kinder than putting her in a nursing home or providing in home care for her is beyond me. You are his dumping ground. The problem is you have a conscience and don't want to see her injure herself. As a result, your way of looking at things is in conflict with your husband's.

You husband has a cold way of keeping his word. I think he see things in the extreme. It's black and white. He promised his mom he would never put her in a nursing home. However, he didn't promise he would take care of her. There is a difference and you see it.

He wined and dined you, gave you lovely gifts, but now that you need him he is unavailable. Still, he can do for himself to his heart's content. What do you love about him. What do you see in him that is admirable? Maybe you are just looking at the past and not the present. He made you feel special, but now you know more about him. Ohio, you are special, very special and you don't need someone else to make that real. Trust yourself. You can't live in the past, sweetheart. It's so much better to live in the light and to see things honestly, even if it breaks your heart. You will heal and you will be stronger. Flattery is not love.

It's better to learn this at 57 rather than 67. This really isn't about his mom, it about him. I am praying for you.

Love and so many hugs to you, Cattails.
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My MIL will NOT part with her money regarding care. She will quickly give her money away to her daughter and her daughter's children, where both my husband (her son) and I do NOT ask for money, and my husband's 2 daughters do NOT ask or take her money, when offered.
My MIL cries to go back to Florida, to her home, but we can't trust her to do the right thing. She would fire the person who would take FT care of her, or they would quit over her verbal abuse to them plus she throws things (threw her walker at a physical therapist in our home when recovering over her broken thigh bone before). When "trusted" to live at home in Florida, she was told to wear her bracelet at all times, where she could push the button for help. Well, she didn't think she could wear it in the shower, so she took it off. This lady has 2 full bathrooms in her home down there BUT she likes to use her standup shower that is outside her home (I find it weird). She waddles outside to shower there, then goes to leave, falls outside onto her back and she can't get up. Lays there. Broken arm/elbow this time. She was found by a neighbor, checking up on her, where she was taken to hospital. We ended up having her come to Ohio for therapy and rehab. She was trusted to go BACK to Florida again, this time, ordered by doctor to wear that band, a couple months passes, she locks herself out of the house. This is a lady that has mobility/balance issues, when she falls, she breaks - forgets the band is on her arm, proceeds to break into her home by climbing onto things to crawl through a kitchen window, got stuck with behind & legs kicking outside the window, finally wiggled in, falling into sink and countertop, but managing not to break any bones. All she had to do was press that button for help. Nope, can't trust her to do the right thing being so many miles away.
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ravensdottir, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I have my husband go to the doctor's appts & he hears their thoughts. He knows his mom has issues but "that is why he has her living with us", to take care of her. NO- HE is NOT the one taking care of her, I AM!!! I sceam inside.
My husband is in true denial his mother needs constant supervision EVEN after watching her being unable to pour a cup of coffee from coffee pot - scalding her arm, spilling all over floor because she doesn't have strength in one arm. Then she can't balance and walk well, and began sliding on the spilled coffee in floor. Yes, it was an accident. But his mom feels she can do anything. And she reaches to do it again. So what, that her arm got a little burned. It did not faze her at all.

My husband has seen that she can't put time in correctly on microwave to heat meals. He told me to unplug microwave if I can't be there to watch her. He told me to make all her meals now since she lost the ability to cook for herself, telling his mother that she can no longer cook.
Ok, so now MORE work is onto me. When she first came to live with us a year ago, she could still do some things, make breakfast, make lunch, then we all ate dinner together. But she can't do those things now. A lot of it has to do with her frustrations & alzheimer's getting worse.
My husband feels if she falls and gets hurt, it's not our problem. It's life. If she crumbles and falls, life says she goes to hospital & gets fixed. She can fall at a nursing home. She could fall going to a doctor appt. I can't be her pillow.
Oh, here's one. My husband takes her to see a skin doctor over a sore on her nose. He can't find a close parking spot, none available, so he pulls up close to sidewalk, gets his mom out of car, sits her on her walker stool (has a built in seat), leaves her there while he parks car. SHE decides not to wait on him, tries to scoot up the ramp to go on inside, the walker flips over, she falls smacking head onto concrete. We all know that head injuries aren't good. The ambulance comes and runs her to hospital, doctor office not equipped to handle this. She is released after finding out she will be fine, no bad injuries - just cleaned up the blood, no stitches needed. Looked worse than it was.
Again, my husband is in denial. His mom can NOT be left alone. She makes bad decisions.
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Cattails, you are awesome. I am 57, so is my husband. He has a good job making over $100K a year with money he freely "blows" on purchasing "toys". From guitars, to cars, to guns, to tools, to computers, electronics, etc....whatever his desire is for the moment. He pays cash too. No issues on running up credit cards. But you CAN when you make that kind of money and hardly any bills. For me, I'm now broke unless I can get back into the game & sell some houses. I can't as long as I can't leave my home to show & sell. Plus, while I am NOT making income, my bills pile up. So I have cut back as much as I can. So with his income, we won't qualify for anything free, I am sure.
PLUS his mom gets a GM pension monthly, SS checks, has pretty good bank accounts/savings, owns 2 homes free and clear. Just gave her low mileage car that was spotless (mint) to her daughter, and freely writes out checks to her daughters kids (example: one of her daughters children had a bad debt to pay off, she freely wrote out a check for $1900 to pay it off for him) Another time, John's sister comes over, saying hey mom, I need help paying my car insurance & I need $700 (yep, she freely gets out the check book and writes a check to her). My husband and I do NOT ask for money. SHE needs her money for the day I can no longer take care of her. I am so afraid MIL's daughter will clean her out!! It's wrong. But I can't stop MIL from writing checks or handing out cash to her. What is unfair is this same daughter is unwilling to be the 24/7 caregiver. She is a TAKER!!!
We have been married 9 years & yes, I am questioning my marriage & life with him. I have some definite fears. I am seeing a side of him that I don't think he would be there for me. Forget the marriage vows for sickness & in health, for better or worse. Nope, don't think so in my case.
Yes, he was married 16 years before me, divorced because his ex-wife moved out for another man. She said she was tired of being ignored and he was selfish.
Nope, I didn't see that side of him. He lavished me with gifts, dinners, vacations, attention - but that is all over. So no, he didn't seem selfish to me at all.
BUT now, he won't even consider my feelings. He keeps repeating I promised my mom that I would always be there for her, take care of her, not ever put her in a nursing home. His mom also had given him $30,000 for the downpayment of the home he currently owns & was purchased when married to now ex-wife, as pre-inheritance, so this is why MIL feels this is HER home, not mine. I am the outsider. Plus she gave him $11,000 to pay off a 2nd mortgage which paid off his divorce settlement.
My MIL has given big chunks to daughter all her adult life too - example: down payment on cars, $15,000 for carpet replacement, $15000 for down payment on home (but she bought motorcycle instead), $$$ for other home improvements, etc. MIL has always given her children money & gifts... again, she had a good income & was both mom & dad to her children, since her husband died early.

Thanks, I will be looking into programs for in-home care. And I will try to improve my attitude, watch what I eat to improve my mind and body. I'm a very private person, never lettting anyone know my problems so I can't believe I am allowing my fingers to type all this out for the world to see.
Thank you for taking time to read my frustrations and offer help. I feel so alone. I didn't tell you that I really don't have any friends - I was married 27 years before & left the area because my ex-husband married his 35 yr old biker babe. I wasn't sticking around to watch. It hurt too bad. Then married my now spouse, living in an area that I don't know anyone. My career keeps me so busy I don't have time to socialize, plus a husband who lost a wife due to infidelity, he doesn't want me going out with friends. It's ok. I've got my 3 married boys and grandchildren to fill that spot - except now, they can't come over with the home conditions I have. That makes me so sad, too. Like I have been cut off. Prison sentence for a crime I didn't commit or ask for.
And no, I receive NO compensation for my MIL's care, nor does my spouse offer to help pay my bills. He feels I can leave his mom alone and go do my job - so he gives NO sympathy. He is in denial. I can't leave her alone. She is a risk to herself.Even the doctors tell him that, but he doesn't believe them,
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Oh boy do you ever have your hands full!!! Yours is about the worst situation I've heard of. You need help OhioGal!! I don't want to sound mean, because its very clear that other people are being mean to you, but it sounds to me like your in "denial" over alot of what is happening here!!! You shouldn't be treated so badly, especially by your own husband. I 'm only saying how I see it from what you say,but I don't think your husband can't possibly see or know exactly what is going on. He would have to be out of his mind if he thinks this is O.K. If you took a step back & heard someone telling you that they were in this position you would see that nothing about this is right. Please don't let him put you thru this. You obviously love him,but I think your letting that cloud your judgement. A man who loves you would be doing all he could to help you for taking care of his mother.He's very lucky that you do so much for her . It's clear that you even still sympathize with her even though she's soooooooo difficult. I'm afraid that he might be figuring that you'll keep on doing all of this as long as he needs you to.He would have to be dumb & blind to think this is except-able. He should be helping you find out about getting someone in to help you out with her. Most people can't handle all that you are doing. That's why there are nursing homes & or, help available. Just remember that your only 1 person. If you keep this up you won't be good for anyone, ESPECIALLY yourself. When people are so caring, it's hard to see that your a victim. I bet if you read what you wrote, & imagined that this was happening to someone else, that you'll see that you are not being treated right.. Please think of yourself for a change!!! You really are worth it!!!!!!!! Hang in there OhioGal, & keep us posted.. Good Luck & God Bless YOU
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Would a note/call from your doctor make an impression on your husband? You need a break before you break completely. Will a family member or (very good) friend put you up for a week? Could MIL go back to Florida with a FT aide that her pension or Medicare/caid would pay for?
Unfortunately, staying in there isn't going to help but make things worse. You might want to consider documenting a day or two in-the-life (nanny cam?) and taking it to the County's Aging Services to request assistance. At the least, talk to them and see what can be done. Talk to them soon!
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Ohio: How long have you and hubby been married? How old are you and your husband?

I'm 63 and retired so I do not have a personal income anymore. My husband has a retirement. When I went to our Senior Information Center (Area on Aging), I spoke to a woman who handled support to care givers. I was inquiring about a care givers support group, but by the time I left, she had arranged for me to have 30 hours a month on in-home care and it ended up costing me $1.20 per hour. The reason I qualified for this is because I am over 60 years old and caring for a parent at home. It didn't matter that my husband had an income. The fact that I didn't was what was important. I don't know if this is available in Ohio and you won't know either if you don't go in and talk to them. So please make the time to go in and see what might be available for you. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you.

Your MIL should be seen by a geriatric specialist who truly understands dementia. Talk to her doctor for a referral. She should be evaluated and it's possible that medications could be prescribed to make her more reasonable and cooperative. Believe me, it is possible.

Ohio, I am so sorry for your sadness. Being saddled with your MIL and with the economy in the state that it is, I can see why you are having financial difficulties. I am also truly appalled at your husband's cold and selfish behavior. Weight gain is a common problem for those who end up being primary care giver. You can always lose weight, but the lack of compassion and support your husband is willing to lend you is possibly a sign of his character. He's fine when you are thin, pretty and financially successful, but not interested in you when you gain some weight, are struggling with your career and having to deal with his wacko mom around the clock. His mom is 90 and clearly dealing with dementia, but your husband is not and has no excuse.

I'm sorry to knock him because I know you love him and want things to work, but have you wondered what he would do if you were ill and needed help. Take MIL completely out of the picture and just ask yourself, "would he be there for you?"

If your husband has lost interest in you, I don't think it is a reflection on you. I think it is a reflection on him. You are doing your best. He is doing nothing. Just guessing here, but sounds like he was married before and after that ended he decided that he would detach himself emotionally in future relationships or maybe he was always detached. Maybe he thinks everyone needs to be independent like his mom was and ask for nothing. A good marriage doesn't work that way.

I'm not going to tell you what to do with in your marriage. I've already said enough and I'm sorry if it was hurtful. Go talk to your local Area on Aging. If you can't locate them, call your local Department of Social Services and they can direct you. See what help they can give you.

I'm keeping you in my prayers. You are a good person and deserve so much more help and compassion than you are receiving. Stay in touch, Hugs, Cattails.
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No, I can not transport her. She has mobility issues, where I risk her falling trying to get down front steps and into car. She is just too feeble and weak. Shakes in fear of falling. Then fear makes her lose bowel control, so it just isn't worth going through even considering a day care. In home care is best. Getting someone else to help her regain strength, like another phy therapist would be awesome. But how to pay for it????
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I am at a point I don't know what I want, cattails, except to have my life back. I had a successful career that is now in jeapordy, I want my body back (gained so much weight because I am frustrated & depressed wtih a husband that no longer is attentive or desires me), I want to look forward to waking up with a smile on my face instead of sadness, wondering what kind of a day will it be, I want my freedom back without hearing his mother's voice being nasty to me, when all I do is give kindness in return & make sure her needs are met (even IF she can't remember and tells my husband's sister I don't give her anything to eat which is an outright lie, so I now text EVERY breakfast and lunch along with photo as proof which is MORE work on my plate). I want a clean house that I don't fear of getting a staph infection or sick over. I want my financial and credit back as it was with a bank account of savings in place. IF I could have at least a 10 to 4pm person coming in, I could work & juggle better. I understand his mother can't help her condition, but I am worn out. It would be nice to have her into a full time facility, but I have heard horror stories of the care - especially with someone that has a nasty, mean personality. I care about her & she deserves to have a good life - she's 90 and I don't know how much longer she will be here on earth. I don't wish anything bad on her. Yes, I get angry and have raised my voice at times when I am just so tired or a migraine is setting in. But I have never cussed her, told her mean evil things like her daughter & son has done (seen & heard it first hand), will never ever hit or hurt her (not my personality to lose control and hit). I am very soft spoken, which is hard for my mother-in-law to hear and I feel awful when I have to talk loud around her, so I use a lot of hand motions and signs, which she understands.
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My husband is in denial because he believes his mother can be "left alone" , unattended in our home and I don't need extra help brought in to help take care of her. His mother is rude, nasty, mean, tells me to "go to hell", is very verbally abusive. She won't wash her hands after using bathroom where fecal matter is under her nails at times, then she wants to dive in and wash my dishes. NO! And she has urninary problems, refuses to wear a diaper, wears regular underware with urinary pads that she will saturate, wring out or dunk in toliet to re-use and wring out, which freaks me out. I have clorox wipes all over the home to try not to be in a bacterial breeding ground home. She spills things, messes to clean. I have to make all her meals, give snacks, prepare coffee, help her get in and out of tub for showers & assist, do the washing of clothes & bedding, deal with her abusiveness & outright delusions to where some days, I just cry and don't want to get out of bed. She has grabbed my paring knives to carry around inside a bag, hanging on her walker, which is a danger to herself and others, so now I have to hide all my knives, keep out of reach. I unplug the microwave so she doesn't overheat something and gets burned when I am not close to watch her. She goes through my drawers accusing me of stealing her things. She loses things by hiding them, can't remember where she hid them. The other day, she started taking everything out of my kitchen trash can, looking for her bank statement - accusing me of throwing it in the trash. I try to get her to stop, she starts throwing it out faster. My husband doesn't understand what I am going through because I do everything, looks easy enough to him! He doesn't have to do anything differently but my whole world has changed. I can't leave her alone. If I do, I worry myself sick about what is she doing? Is she burning the house down? She hates me at times - feels I am the reason that she can't live alone. So if I can't work, my husband does not pay MY bills, so I am upside down and finding myself for the first time, my personal savings gone and behind in my card payments. I have never been without money or had credit issues. I asked him to get outside help hired, so I can have some of my freedom back. Here is HIS answer: his mom is unwilling to pay for it, HE is unwilling to pay for it, so if I want help - it is up to ME to pay for it. We don't go out anymore. My other family members don't want to come over because she is not someone you want to be around most days. Plus once, I tried to watch a 1yr old granddaughter, his mom fell - taking the walker with her, splitting the babies back of her head open, his mom had poop running down her leg but my attention was get his mom back upright since SHE didn't seem to have broken anything except my granddaughter's back of head, had to call step daughter to come back to take baby to hospital, where she had to have her head stapled. They have not been back since. While mother-in-law pooped herself with poop running down both pant legs from family room to bathroom with her sceaming at me, why wasn't I helping her and cussing at me. My attention at that time was to get the bleeding stopped for granddaughter and getting help for her. I am at my wits end with depression issues settling in now. My husband just doesn't care, AS LONG AS I CONTINUE TO HANDLE IT ALL!!! But I have no choice. I can't leave, I have no money, bad credit now, too. While his mom can belittle me, cuss me, throw things at me - my life sucks. My husband works long hours, never comes right home after work, does not sit and talk to his mom - he stays busy and not around her. AND doesn't want to hear about it. I can't find any answers and feel doomed. I can't see it any other way. I just pray for the good days where my mother-in-law is nice and not abusive. (which is now getting further and further less). My husband's other daughter doesn't want to help. She is 25, attending college and works. She WILL at times, if asked, give leftovers on a plate or take in a bowl of ice cream if I need to run out, and allowed to DECLARE that she is NOT going to be her grandmother's babysitter or caretaker. And my husband allows that. So I feel like I am nothing. I have gained weight, so he longer finds me attractive either. Yep, so not only do I have a mother-in-law telling me to "go measure my behind" I have a husband who doesn't feel attracted to me either. Ok, I'll tell it straight - I have no sex life either. My friends and family tell me to walk away. But I want my husband to love & want me. Gaining the weight was my fault anyway.
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Ohio: I'm guessing here, but are you at a point where you would like to see your MIL placed in an nursing home and your husband doesn't agree? A couple of suggestions:

1. See if you can take a week off and get away from care giving. While you are away, be sure it is your husband that is providing the 24/7 care in your absence. It would be helpful if he could get the full experience you live with every day and night.

2. Talk to your local Area on Aging and talk directly to the person whose job it is to help care givers. You may find your MIL qualifies for in home help or day care at a reduced cost.

I hope you can arrange for your husband to provide the hands on care for your MIL for a week. It would be great if he could experience what is required and then you both may be able to sit down and have a real conversation about what is best for all involved.

Good Luck, Cattails
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Wow...what a story. Your MIL is obviously a fighter and is not ready to leave this earth!

What is your question and can you elaborate about the title of your post. How do you think your husband is in denial?
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