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My mom has lived with us for a few years, and has been fairly independent all but financially. But now i am noticing lapses in her self care (like bathing or keeping her room clean) but she's still active and independent in many ways- still drives, etc. she manages her own money but is spending on lots of frivolous things. I am concerned about her judgement and all but when shes still somewhat independent it makes it difficult to step in and say something. Meanwhile my husband is getting frustrated with my reluctance to speak up. I need someone to talk to to help me decide when/how to start intervening. Any advice is welcome. I just dont want to take away her independence unless/until absolutely necessary, but i am also concerned about her ability to care for herself, because she's rarely bathing, her room is starting to smell and is piled with clutter. She doesn't vacuum until i am about to go in there and do it myself, and i can tell she's depressed and i'm worried about her medical care. Anyway- advice is appreciated

You already have good advice given below.

I just want to clarify that YOU will not be taking away Mom’s “ independence” .
Her age related decline will be doing that .
If your Mom ever claims , as my father in law did constantly , that his “ independence was being taken away “…..

You answer with, “ I’m sorry Mom , your age is taking away your independence , not me . I did not make you old , and I can not fix old “.
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So let me get this straight. You're concerned about her judgment, she smells because she doesn't bathe or wash up, and her room is piled up with hoarded clutter.

Yet, she's still allowed to drive a car and have full access to her finances.

Think about that for a second.

Get her to her doctor, but before the appointment speak to him privately and explain what's going on now. He can get her license revoked and help you get set up with services like homecare, social work, and even placement in AL if it comes to that.
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Also to add to what others have said, go on line , learn everything you can about dementia, and types of dementia. Then see if there are any signs of dementia that you may have missed.

I would start with Teepa Snow. On YouTube.
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The fact that she's "rarely bathing" and her room is "starting to smell and is piled with clutter" can all be signs not only of depression but dementia as well.
Plus a lack of judgement often goes hand in hand with dementia too.
Time to make an appointment with moms doctor to have her evaluated, and put on an anti-depressant.
And I would either notify her doctor ahead of time via the patient portal to let them know exactly what is going on with her, or at the very least hand a note to his nurse prior to going back to exam room for your mom to be seen with your concerns.
Your mom is obviously starting to decline, and it's best now to discuss with your husband what exactly that may mean for the future of your moms care, and perhaps even looking into other living options for her such as moving into an assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached for if and when she may need it if she gets diagnosed with dementia.
And please don't forget that your husband and marriage MUST come before your mom.
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I can only suggest that you consider now a full work up and have a discussion with an OT person that the neuro-psyc person can refer you to. Mom is losing the ability to do executive functions. I think you realize this is dangerous. She is also losing the ability to do self caring. If she cannot accept care guidance and you are not willing to move a way from her being an independent (which she can no longer manage) then the best option really may be to consider placing your mom in care OR getting in a caregiver say three times a week to manage cleaning up both mom and her living space. For a WHILE you will be able to explain this away with she is there to help YOU, with it having nothing to do with mom.

I think the problem with you and hubby is going deeper here and needs a deeper discussion between the two of you. About the changes you are both seeing. About their dangers. About what you can/cannot do are willing/unwilling to do, about how long it can go on, about next steps when it cannot go on, about your own rights to a good time in your own retirement years, and etc. Just all of it.

I am so sorry. It does come to this. You know, I am sure, and have stood witness to the trajectory. I wish you the best.
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