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Jim,

You are understandably overwhelmed, but that does not mean you are being punished.
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yvonne: And my personal fave? "God never gives you more than you can handle."

Like, what is that???!! I'm agnostic, but that phrase makes me want to hit someone upside the head. Argh.
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Jim - Wow! I'm exhausted just reading your post!

It doesn't sound like you have much of a support system. Maybe you have already tried what I have to suggest, but here goes.

Ask your doctor or hospital to put you in touch with a social worker. If any of your charges has disability, pester their social worker for help. Even if your wife is not a senior yet, contact your local senior center and "area agency on aging" and request an evaluation of her needs. I see you live in South Bend, and I would hope that a college town would have some good resources. Have you talked to anyone at the Alzheimer's association? They have a lot of help and advice to offer.

I hate it when I ask for help, and instead, am given more work to do! But any energy you can invest in getting more help will pay off. This is a stereotype, but as a man, do you believe you're supposed to handle it all without help? Fight that attitude. You need to take care of yourself (by getting help) before you can care for others.

To get better responses, ask your own question. Tell us more specifics about your family. Tell us which parts drive you the craziest. Best wishes to you.
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My stepmom takes care of my difficult post-stroke dad. We made an agreement - to tell each other the truth. I take care of him one weekend a month - he had a fall in January that resulted in a trip to the ER and AFTER that she commented that he had fallen a lot lately. I should have been warned.

In addition to the truth - our agreement is that she can vent to me safely & i'll just listen. (in other words I won't offer ideas unless that is what she wants). Sometimes she just needs to vent, me listen, understand, we usually end up making bad jokes, and laughing. She says that helps.

Also - finally - I tell her what time I have and she tells me where she needs the most help. the one weekend a month is a God-send to her. But I also stop at Walmart on my way up to pick up things they need, that she can no longer get out regularly to pick up. (she has a caregiver two afternoons a month and we agree that she needs to do fun things - like lunch with friends, bowling, etc). I also do online/free shipping shopping for her. I help with websites for Medicare, their insurance plans, etc - since she doesn't feel comfortable on line.

The point I'm trying to make - is that if we ask a caregiver how it is going - we should encourage them to be honest, and just SHUT UP AND LISTEN and empathize. Sometimes a release helps. Then pay attention over time - how are they doing - if they look exhausted, buy them a coffee and listen. If they are struggling at work - help occasionally with workload.

I think LISTENING with empathy is a key.
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