My parents (94 dad and 87 mom). Were in relatively good health until sept of last year then the wheels fell off. Mom fell broke her hip, dad whined for 5 months about "stomach acid" turns out he has congestive heart failure. More falls for both of them, broken ribs and punctured lung for mom, broken wrist for dad. I am an only child 58 years old caught in their death spiral of dementia and whining. I have three teen agers all girls (twin 18 year olds that have been caught drinking and smoking pot) a 20 year old that is in college all the way across the country and a wife with borderline personality disorder. I have come to literally hate my life, I am sick of my parents and their incessant whining, complaining, dementia, (my dad is gonna use his gun to stop anyone trying to break in), the never ending doctors visits with the worst health care possible. My dad in his infinite wisdom signed up for a Humana medicare advantage plan because it was "free". And thats just what he got something that was free. Now he just sits around all day saying "Oh My God what happened to me, Oh my God". And my mom is just goofy, she just points at things and yells give me THAT, I Want THAT, What ever THAT is...IDK These kids are going to go to college and literally every penny of my take home pay is going to go to pay for some stupid college classes that are no different than what these kids took in high school. And the BPD wife complains and whines about everything and tells me what a "bad parent" I have been. How we are "broke". How "terrible" these children are. I used to have dreams and look forward to the future, now I just fantasize about going to the doctor and having him tell me I have cancer so I could just tell him to make me comfortable for whatever time I have. Then I could die, be cast out of this h*ll and the rest of them would have the proceeds of my $1,000,000 life insurance to live off of. I want to get off this ride. I used to want to be fit and healthy, now the people that i see as "lucky" were my aunts and uncles that drank like fish, smoked, had a grand old time. They all had heart attacks and died real quick, no pain, just a quick end to a mostly fun life. I have faced serious adversity in my life, several foot operations, one entire year on crutches, two weeks in icu because I got bleeding ulcers from celebrex ( yes that little warning that was on the bottom of the commercial really was true), but nothing that has caused despair like this. I have read all kinds of articles about "taking care of yourself", about taking "an hour" to recharge. I have had "home health care workers" come in to try and help. All these services do is take your money, as fast as they can. They just throw warm bodies in the house so they can charge a fee. And a rehab center or "assisted living"? If you call leaving someone sit in their own sh*t for 4 hours before you come to clean them up (and not really clean, just no obvious brown) "assisted". Then its great. Its all BS. These problems don't go away, the teenagers and their boyfriends, the college tuition, the borderline wife, the demented old people they are right there when you come back. I have never been in a situation like this before that felt so hopeless. I even thought that putting these words down on paper would help, it has in the past for other things. But this situation, no escape. By the time the teenagers get out of college and the old people die I will be old. I see old, I hate it, I never want to be 93, I don't want my children to come to hate me as much as I have come to hate my parents. I always thought that my parents would get a short illness or have a heart attack and die rather quickly. Instead they have stolen what ever joy they gave me in life and replaced it with dread and hatred. I'm sorry, these aren't my parents, these are just some old relics that lived too long. They listened to everyone, and ate right, didn't drink, didn't smoke, exercised every day. What did it get them? A nice long sentence in h*ll on earth. Sit in your own excrement until someone comes to clean you up (me) then that person has to clean the chairs, the carpets, the clothes, everything. Oh, and then whine and complain about everything. And when I turn there she is, my lovely borederline personality wife telling me how "horrible" our children are, how everyone else has these "perfect" teenagers, what terrible parents we were.
I hate my life. Sorry for this horrible narrative but i still search for a way out. I either need a way out or a cancer diagnosis. Right now because of my life insurance I am woth more dead than alive to everyone...
As far as your wife, well that's tough. Could you file for divorce? Have you considered it? You said you go to Mom and Dad's after work........so they don't live with you? Good, don't let them move in with you. You think it's bad now..............just wait.
Don't borrow trouble by catastrophizing every thing in the future that hasn't happened yet. Live in the moment. Even if the moment is bad..........you can get through a moment right? In the meantime, make a life plan and stick with it. Don't sit and think about how getting old is going to suck. It might not.
Keep venting on here. We will support you through all this.
It is BRILLIANT beyond words that you have got all of this off your chest and down on (virtual) paper.
Most men would leave with the first woman who was even vaguely pleasant to them. It would be a catastrophic mistake, mind, but that's what they would do. Then they lose everything. The family in which they've invested so much, the marriage they committed to, the love and trust of their children (once the children have grown up and calmed down a bit), the respect of their communities and, five years or so down the line, the new relationship that proved rather less substantial and a lot more trouble than promised.
Try not to hide at work. It just lowers the marital temperature still further, and are you honestly spending the time productively and impressing your boss? Going home to a scratchy cat does not raise the spirits, I understand, but grit your teeth and do it - you've got to halt and reverse the routine somehow.
Hang in there and it will be worth it. I refer you to Winston Churchill: "when you're going through H*ll, keep going!"
We're here if you want to talk. Hugs to you.
There has to be light at the end of the tunnel.
Find a good book happy book, im not much help sorry. Im nee on here and in burnout myself. I dont know if you are a christian. But i keep hoping the Lord will come back soon and end all of this. No way do i want to live to be old a senile or have stroke.
I was ready to buy a helmet to wear so I wouldn't hurt myself banging my head on the wall.
Ok, get a piece of paper and write down everything, and I mean everything you do for your parents, no matter how simple it is. Now, cross off half the items on your list... now cross off a couple more. Stick to that list, and when the folks ask for help on something not on the list, just say "sorry, I just can't possibly do that".
We tend to enable our parents to continue to live their lifestyle in their own home, while we need to change our own. Oh how I wished I knew I could have set up boundaries. It's hard to say "no". They both went into that downward spiral, too. Then dementia started to show up... oh great. So I learned as much about dementia as I could to help keep the sanity. Good info at the bottom of this page, the blue area, click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE.
Both of my parents had excellent care when my Mom needed skilled nursing care she went to long-term-care, and my Dad had in-home caregivers around the clock for while then he moved to Assisted Living/Memory Care and loved it there.
I agree with the other writers above, time for the younger girls to think about community college or trade school or work full time to earn money for college.
In return for living arrangements provided for the now "adults" in your home, they can give you 4 hours of actual work per day, thereby easing your burdens.
No one gets free college while drinking and smoking pot.
A grade-point average requirement also applies before investing in your kids college. My grandchildren worked part-time throughout college and were still privileged.
Get your wife some help, go with her. Even though she is right about the teens? You both need to resolve the stress she cannot handle with the parents.
You count too, but this has become out of control, and you are not a victim, imo. Tough love, step up to the responsibilities if you are able.
Prioritize:
1) You
2) Wife
3) Your own family
4) Parents-move them out
Before all of them are tempted to spend that million dollar policy. No one has to die to fix this.
You are just the right age to make this happen.
We care.
When I'm overwhelmed I limit what I do
1. You don't need to provide an expensive college education for your kids
If they don't qualify for financial aid then they go to community college and transfer to a state college in their junior year
Liberal arts study doesn't provide a payback for the cost of a private 4 year degree
2. What financial assets do your parents have to monetize for their care ?
As an only child get legal help and POA if you don't already have it
It's a struggle to keep someone with dementia at home
My near 94 year old mom is now in memory care and I have caregivers with her 12 hours a day
She still falls and still gets UTIs from being in soiled diapers
Your situation is not unique but it still sucks how poor elder care is
3. Can't your parents change their Medicare supplement ?
4. Maybe call your county agency on aging and ask for a needs assessment for your folks - they may balk but you will end up in a crisis with another fall and hospitalization
If your dad does indeed have a gun then get it out of the house now
Finally, things will change and what is difficult now maybe easier later
Do not despair
Come back to vent