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Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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I often consider these thoughts about my LO, with my usual reaction being to dismiss the thoughts. Truth be told, she was never a very happy person, although there were things that she would sometimes be happy about, as we her nieces and nephews had children and now grandchildren. I learned fairly recently, before we had to find a residential care site, that she loved to decorate her kitchen with the numerous greeting cards she received on holidays and her birthday, and she had at one point loved to shop, and dressed like a model. Of a large family, the loss of her only surviving sibling a few years ago was an unbearable loss, but she soldiered on until she began to fall at home, and would not consent to have the house made safer for her. I wonder sometimes whether it is she who suffers more, or if I suffer double watching her. She’s recently had a change of medication that I think is helping, and when she’s better, I enjoy going more for our frequent visits. I don’t think your feelings are awful at all, jsbelzberg. No one can decide but you what you can or should do about having them.
It does seem inhumane, you're right. Or inhuman: she is being dehumanized. It's horrible.
I see from your profile that your mother is in independent living, is that still correct? Any plans for her care looking ahead?
All you can aim for, the way I see it, is a soft landing; and typically, I think, many people do reach a plateau of relative contentment. How long have you been your mother's primary caregiver?
Old nurses such as myself almost made a happy hobby of "Final Exit" and "self-deliverance" research. Heaven forbid the day that anything DOES happen to anyone in a radius of 20 miles around me, and they confiscate my computer, hee hee. There are whole pages on Facebook on the subject, and we always talk on Private Messages, there saying "Only kidding, your honor" every so often. I don't honestly think that there is anyone who is facing dementia for themselves or a loved one who doesn't "go there" in their thinking on a dark and stormy night. My brother, though still so with it in his mind, has a probable early Lewy's Body Dementia. We already know what Robin Williams did when he suspected his own mind was going with this disease. My brother would so much rather make an exit before facing down the demons that may come. But there is honestly very little choice, as the Dorothy Parker poem about suicide methods tells us, without a good deal, or at least some pain. As a nurse I have long known that there are so many things worse than death. Nevertheless, for now, and I would suspect for decades to come, there seems to be a great taboo against suicide, especially in our own country. Just know that you are not alone in your head going there; know that many suspect that hospice is often an easy and just a bit early "deliverance", know that there are rational patients everywhere choosing not to eat and not to drink, with the understanding and (secret) support of their own doctors. And whatever the mind can think and want is not outside the realm of normal when there is great pain in living. I have always thought that the enormous suicide rate in Vets is not just that they see so many animals in crisis, but that they have a very easy means of self deliverance right at hand. When you hit a low you can never tell WHERE your mind will go. But you can be assured it is not going anywhere that the minds of people in your situation have not visited along with you. Please do not put pressure on yourself that what you feel and think is in any way out of the norm, because it is not. And yes, what we have to go through can seem inhumane. But remember, we are but an animal. We are a human animal. And from birth to death, all animals are faced with ugliness, grief, loss and pain along with all that is beautiful in life. Know also that what you see is not necessarily what she feels. Read Oliver Sacks essays on the mind.It was his life study before his death, for ALL his life.
Thank you for the supportive and non judge-mental comments. It’s just that I know it will just keep getting worse and worse and she is absolutely miserable - all of the time. It just seems inhumane ...
Sorry you are feeling so low and burnt out. Been there. Counseling may help. Placement may help even more.
My brother took care of Mom, so I took in Aunt Rose. Who knew she would live so long! My brother asked about switching, but I knew Mom and I pushed each others' buttons. Not a solution, and we knew it, even though I loved her.
I wish you luck and courage. Don't give up before finding the solution good for you.
I am able to manage my caretaking as the LO's are in AL, and my brother and I work together, so neither of us gets burnout.
Neither of us could possibly live with someone who has dementia, it would be a train wreck. They live in a 5 star facility, have a beautiful apartment and aside from always complaining about the food (seems to be a trait with people of the silent generation) they are happy.
Might be time to consider a change, rethinking about what should be done with your mother, this situation will not get better.
I was too flip - While I think many caregivers feel this way at some point it really is a sign that you need more support. Late/mid stage could mean many more years are left for her, it may be time to explore other options (and there are always options, always)
Um, when you say "ending it" - you mean for yourself or for her?
Either way, I am certain you are not alone.
If you mean her, though - although you still aren't alone, I have heard moving accounts from caregivers who felt like this and got safely past their lowest points - you do want to watch yourself. Do you have anybody you can open up to in confidence?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Truth be told, she was never a very happy person, although there were things that she would sometimes be happy about, as we her nieces and nephews had children and now grandchildren.
I learned fairly recently, before we had to find a residential care site, that she loved to decorate her kitchen with the numerous greeting cards she received on holidays and her birthday, and she had at one point loved to shop, and dressed like a model.
Of a large family, the loss of her only surviving sibling a few years ago was an unbearable loss, but she soldiered on until she began to fall at home, and would not consent to have the house made safer for her.
I wonder sometimes whether it is she who suffers more, or if I suffer double watching her.
She’s recently had a change of medication that I think is helping, and when she’s better, I enjoy going more for our frequent visits.
I don’t think your feelings are awful at all, jsbelzberg. No one can decide but you what you can or should do about having them.
I see from your profile that your mother is in independent living, is that still correct? Any plans for her care looking ahead?
All you can aim for, the way I see it, is a soft landing; and typically, I think, many people do reach a plateau of relative contentment. How long have you been your mother's primary caregiver?
I don't honestly think that there is anyone who is facing dementia for themselves or a loved one who doesn't "go there" in their thinking on a dark and stormy night. My brother, though still so with it in his mind, has a probable early Lewy's Body Dementia. We already know what Robin Williams did when he suspected his own mind was going with this disease. My brother would so much rather make an exit before facing down the demons that may come. But there is honestly very little choice, as the Dorothy Parker poem about suicide methods tells us, without a good deal, or at least some pain.
As a nurse I have long known that there are so many things worse than death. Nevertheless, for now, and I would suspect for decades to come, there seems to be a great taboo against suicide, especially in our own country.
Just know that you are not alone in your head going there; know that many suspect that hospice is often an easy and just a bit early "deliverance", know that there are rational patients everywhere choosing not to eat and not to drink, with the understanding and (secret) support of their own doctors. And whatever the mind can think and want is not outside the realm of normal when there is great pain in living. I have always thought that the enormous suicide rate in Vets is not just that they see so many animals in crisis, but that they have a very easy means of self deliverance right at hand. When you hit a low you can never tell WHERE your mind will go. But you can be assured it is not going anywhere that the minds of people in your situation have not visited along with you. Please do not put pressure on yourself that what you feel and think is in any way out of the norm, because it is not. And yes, what we have to go through can seem inhumane. But remember, we are but an animal. We are a human animal. And from birth to death, all animals are faced with ugliness, grief, loss and pain along with all that is beautiful in life. Know also that what you see is not necessarily what she feels. Read Oliver Sacks essays on the mind.It was his life study before his death, for ALL his life.
My brother took care of Mom, so I took in Aunt Rose. Who knew she would live so long! My brother asked about switching, but I knew Mom and I pushed each others' buttons. Not a solution, and we knew it, even though I loved her.
I wish you luck and courage. Don't give up before finding the solution good for you.
Neither of us could possibly live with someone who has dementia, it would be a train wreck. They live in a 5 star facility, have a beautiful apartment and aside from always complaining about the food (seems to be a trait with people of the silent generation) they are happy.
Might be time to consider a change, rethinking about what should be done with your mother, this situation will not get better.
Either way, I am certain you are not alone.
If you mean her, though - although you still aren't alone, I have heard moving accounts from caregivers who felt like this and got safely past their lowest points - you do want to watch yourself. Do you have anybody you can open up to in confidence?