Wiped me out, but made it thru. Stuck to my sched (what works for me & my Kids).
Cooked Mon night: Cranberries, Stuffing, Green Bean Casserole, Mashed Potatoes. Packed on ice. Tuesday: Drove 2 hrs to Whole Foods near my Mom's (she is 79). Picked up precooked Turkey Breast/Rolls. Arrived to her home. She had dishes in the dishwasher (didn't know if they were clean or dirty) had dishes piled in the sink, radishes spoiled on a plate in the sink...Diet Coke cans piled around the kitchen sink (10) a handful of gnats flying around (:-o) WTH! My Son was floored. She is honestly comfortable living this way. Nothing new. Lives in the most beautiful of cities in L.A. & has never been into cleaning or organization. Laughs about how lazy she is re: cleaning. (yells at me for cleaning) (Waiting for her to allow us to bring back in cleaning gal or errand gal--she is not at the place where she needs full time or shall I say..will even allow it. She has said to me, "what if I yell at them."
I had to preclean for an hour before I could unpack. My Son dealt with the Turkey. We cleared her DR table of mail & odd items & set the table--
prepped to plate the side dishes.
My Mom made cracks about me always moving & my Kids stuck up for me... I heard her say "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your Mom?!" Meantime, I was hustling-serving her..cleaning up..unloading & reloading her dishwasher..
I cleaned for another hour and a half...brought Tupperware to store all the leftovers for her ..and then drove home 2 hrs.
Cooked & cleaned a 2nd time on Thanksgiving & sent my Daughter home with all the leftovers...
*Thursday night* after my Kids went off to spend time with Cousins, I put on a Christmas movie..drank Prosecco & decorated for Christmas..
THIS is how I do it. A lot of energy expended, but I do it this way so I don't have to put up with my Mom on the actual holiday day itself..& I enjoy the days.... No way in HE** will I incorporate her into the actual holiday day...
.......Went thru (still going thru) enough with her for 10 lifetimes.
You set the course you felt good about & steered through it.
Obviously we all do things our own ways, set different courses. There are indeed many ways to celebrate traditions! To me it's about finding what works for you & yours + tuning in to any little voices of resentment & making changes.
Flexibility is a super power I want!
I keep striving to look & feel. What do I LIKE? What sparks JOY? (thankyou Marie Kondo😊)
Do I need to celebrate on an actual date? Or any date? Do I need the menu to be traditional? Or is sharing a meal (any meal) my focus?
Is being at home important? Or is a park, cafe, restaurant ok too?
I have brought food... If their kitchen is not set up for me to cook easily in, or not hygienic for me to cook in - I won't cook there. I have brought pre-prepared before. If plating up there is a problem, then next time, I bring pre-plated. If not hygienic enough to eat there - I wouldn't eat there.
But like I say, I have found what works for me. Each has to find what works for them.
Made turkey a week earlier cause my friend thawed one out to make space in the communal chest freezer then got sick.
I cook from scratch every day, so thanksgiving dinner doesn't have much of an appeal. Plus once brothers got married they all did their own. It left mom and I to do "thanksgiving" ourselves and we didn't really keep bothering.
As she's here with us now she just also got to have Chinese food with us. She didn't remember eating it, but she does remember evry meal I make, so things are ranked at different values in her head. If it is delivious she remembers and loves it. If she could take or leave it she doesn't waste what storage space she has left.
Once she told me, while eating a shepherd's pie I made, that her daughter also makes delicious shepherd's pie. Good to know she does in fact compliment me behind my back <3
My brother took mother out for lunch on Weds, visited with stepmother as well, she had no clue what Thanksgiving Day is about, and although she supposedly hates turkey, that is what she ate on the "Big" day. It, like everything else she eats was too salty, she didn't realize that she was eating turkey tho.
I had Thanksgiving at my house, brother and a couple of friends, lamb roast was on the menu! Live by myself, have no inclination to eat leftover turkey for a month.
Nice quiet day, that is what I like, when my mother use to join me it was a terrible experience, she ruined the entire dinner, the last time she was drunk (as usual) and dropped F bombs on the guests...gee that was fun!
Holidays were so stressful for me to try and include my father. He required so much attention and never seemed to enjoy the effort that was put into him being there. Yet I’d feel bad if I didn’t at least try to include him. I felt bad asking my kids to help me with this.
My parents are about 20 minutes away. I'll see them in a few days.
My mom can be very mean. I warned her. I asked her to be nice and she chose to not be. So we packed up and I was able to hug her and kiss her and my Dad good bye. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I am different this year and I seem to be the teflon daughter. V has showed up for V.
Happy Holidays, V.
Your TG evening sounds great!
Wednesday: made stuffing, prepped the Brussel sprouts, baked apple tarts
Thursday: roasted turkey breast, baked the stuffing, roasted the sprouts, made
gravy. Packed everything up and ate with my parents. My parents each
ate five bites. Mom became a very mean old lady so we packed up and
left. Total time 2 hours.
We read these true to life stories about so many of us burning the candle at both ends & in the middle ;-) to bring it together. I tell my Mom it's the holiday "season," and this is how we do it.. Celebrate mult days throughout. Obvi the main day is "the day," but I do not have it in me to do it with her.
My Son told me couple yrs ago he didn't see introducing her to future sig others & his Kids.. so truly I run circles this time of year to work it best for all. My Mom lft me a voice mail msg last month, something about how at least there wouldn't be a conflict re: Christmas.. I have reminded her a few times since: we will be back up on the 22nd of Dec.. I tell her my Kids have their Dad...and his side of the family as well.. they have an Aunt who (Thank God) came out 100% post a thyroid cancer surg & a cousin who had SVT & had a heart surg this year.. *My Mom couldn't care less. Truly she feels slighted, but...I will continue to do it as I do it..
Someday I will celebrate even more how I want to...but will the guilt ever leave? Maybe with another glass of wine or champagne ;-)
SOOO many of you do so much more. You are living with & taking care of your elderly Parents who have physical issues. If the mental illness components were not present in my Mom, things might be a bit different.
I cannot even imagine having a Mom, like my Stepdad (passed Jan 1st of this year). He was the BEST: kind-loving-appreciate-giving beyond-friendly-independent-had the will to live.. I miss him so. Crying now. Why are we left with the difficult ones?
My Mom says to me "you are the only one who calls..no one calls me." She cannot connect the dots: No one wants to be around her. She has burned every bridge.
Brutal. I will go up 3 x's in Dec.. try to spread Holiday cheer with her.
I cannot handle her interwoven into my "real" life so I tell her works better this way--my Kids are with other relatives the actual holidays. I have to fudge the truth...to make it work best for my Kids and me & my future G-Kids--their significant others..
Continuous tightrope I-we walk....
*Any of you do similar to protect your holidays? For your Kids? Significant others?
"I am waiting for someone on "our" forum to tell me I am insensitive ;-)"
It was not always that way on "our" forum.
It doesn't have to be that way.
We can fight that trend, still.
You are so much appreciated for taking the risk to post your holiday successes.
And for taking care of your mom's needs, going way beyond any call of duty.
Happy for you that your son and daughter were a part of that effort.
mean mothers enjoy ruining the day (any day; every day) for their daughters - in particular special days. it’s not by chance. the abuse is intentional.
mean mothers do well, thrive (get joy from abusing), at the expense of their abused, trampled on, daughters.
continue saving your life. only you can save it.
great you had a wonderful thanksgiving! i did too!
🙂🙂🙃🙃
🦃🦃🥧🥧
like you, i’m now in xmas mode. will soon wear my reindeer antlers. i’m just sorting out - my whole life - first.
🥰
I am waiting for someone on "our" forum to tell me I am insensitive ;-) But with all that is...within me.. I can't do it any other way.
I will forever feel some guilt within.. but I perpetually fight against it, because I know that I do not want to be around her on the actual holiday(s).
The memories of her ruining them coupled with her attitudes to this day, I will not do it to myself or my Kids..
hug. extremely well done.
and extremely kind of you, towards everyone.