I need help with the baby steps I would need to take to get mom to live somewhere other than with me and my husband.

@MaryKathleen, Love your name! We named my youngest daughter Kathleen. :).
Oh, and there were green metallic? I would have loved those..... geez I am 63 and haven't worn heels in I can't remember when..... working on hospital floors has always been running shoes once we old ones got past that all white leather shoe from eons ago.
I though of a compromise though.... maybe take a pair of heels along when you go out to dinner and change into them while you're sitting at the table and sit so they're noticeable! Or maybe at home, have a dress-up afternoon and get all prettied up with special heels and lay seductively on the couch reading a book.... and then dial up Match.com ! Sorry, I am having a glass of wine after 12 hours work today and am trying to de-stress! I've been single too long.

MrsRay:

I totally understand. If this woman has NPD, you have my empathy.

Save yourself.

Heather10 ... she definitely has a personality disorder, there is no doubt in my mind, thank you for the NPH tip. I just want her out, do not care anymore why she is like she is, had enough dr appts for an ungrateful being, don't want any more.

She makes me so negative ... I need to get the negative out of my life asap

Myownlife ... the shoes story is good, thanks for sharing.

i'm with you, I also have evil thoughts these days, Lord forgive us.

MaryKathleen ... sorry you missed out on your shoes, hopefully, something will come along to replace the loss and bring you happiness! :)

@Myownlife,

Oh, shoes!! I am 83 and I saw a pair of those platform, strappy, heels in a metallic green print. OHHHHHH, I wanted them so bad. I dreamed about them.. Then it dawned on me. I could buy them and arrange them on my dresser like a vase or something. I could put one upright and the other laying sideways next to it. Then I could at least look at them. I went back to the outlet store and of course they were gone. I still cry inside.... If I am ever in lust that way again, that is what I will do. I hope this will make someone smile.

@mrsray

OMG, you had me in stitches in your "Warning Long Post" one!!! I won't even take my mother to Publix anymore...... I started using instacart and have been ordering groceries!!! It is absolutely wonderful!!!! oh, and amazon, and anything else online. Last time I took my mother shopping was to a shoe store outlet... all the way through, she repeatedly said 1. I don't see the shoes they advertised on tv, (well no, because it's an outlet store), 2. Ooh what about this one? [wedge shoe, about 3 inches high] , "No, Mom, you are already unsteady, and if you wore those surely you would fall and break an ankle or a hip." I am always the "bad guy".... and it's the same at Penney's when she wants to get high heels.... same thing. On this occasion though, I fleetingly (like a full 5 seconds) thought maybe I should give up, let her get whatever she wants and when she does fall and does break something, then she would go to the hospital, then rehab, and then ASSISTED LIVING ! And to top it off, I could even say, "guess those shoes were a bad idea!" Oh Lord, may lightning strike me for such an evil thought!

Mrs Ray:

I just want to add: My above answer is assuming her physical health has already been evaluated.

If not, can you have her checked for of NPH or normal pressure hydrocephalus of fluid on the brain?”

The gait disturbance, shuffling (magnetic feet it's called), incontinence and odd denials or her behavior could be symptoms of NPH.

Mrs Ray:

She has the traits of a person with a personality disorder of some type.

The feigning innocence, the manipulation, etc.

You might want to research personality disorders, so you do not feel so guilt ridden by being annoyed.

People with personality disorders lack insight into their own negative behaviors. They can appear to have dementia when they actually do not.

@ jeannegibbs

venting felt good, thank you LOL

I know I'm not going to change her and yes, she can continue to behave just as she is ... as long as she does it somewhere else

I keep trying really hard for patience and have already learned not to let her get a rise out of things by shutting up, just a little too late LOL ... since she now knows so many ways to get that rise out of me.

believe me I know I need to stop because of her enjoying it so much ...  its that damn short temper of mine that gets the best of me  :)

I need that plaque, think I will set it as a desktop background since I am on my computer a lot
"Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!"

and no, I have not started to look at what it would take to evict her, was really hoping it did not come to that stage at all

Mrsray, I'm sure that no one reading this far has any doubt that your mother is a PIA to live with. But you go away and keep venting. Let it all out, Girl!

Just remember that you are not going to change her. At all. And you've already stated that it is not your goal to change her. She can continue to behave just as she is ... as long as she does it somewhere else, right?

Remind yourself that you are already working toward your real goal: getting her out of your house. Yeah for you!

Realizing that this will come to an end, can you try real hard for patience? If she doesn't see that she is provoking you she might stop trying so hard to do it. Like asking what is for dinner. It doesn't get a rise so she doesn't do it as often. I'm suggesting this for your sake. (I used to have a little wall plaque that said, "Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!" I know it can be hard.)

Are you looking into what it would take to evict your mother, if it came to that?

and before i forget, one more LOL

dramatic yawns ... after work I am tired enough without starting to yawn right when i walk in the door

we all know those dreaded yawns are contagious. ... writing this is making me yawn and I apologize if you are yawning reading it LOL

she would yawn as she takes the cat litter to the porch while shuffling LOL because she just woke up and yawns yawns yawns

LONG BEFORE I REALIZED the games she plays, I said, jokingly, "thanks, now I"m gonna yawn all night and this will make me feel very tired too early" which it does make me do, once it gets going right after work.

Now, not only is she yawning still but WOW, its like so loud and dramatic, like I never heard such loud drawn out yawns in my life and so so many of them in a row.

that was the first time i said to myself, "is she doing this now on purpose cause I joked that it affected me in a bad way?" It sure seems it, but no, my mom isn't like that, I am imagining things

WELL NOW I KNOW I AM NOT, and she still does that non stop daily tooo LOL

just had to share a few of the kinds of things that 'she is so innocent' of that is so enjoyable in my world so you get a clearer picture of some of the many lil things she has fun doing.

I used to just say to myself as she did those kinds of things, 'don't get upset, she knows not what she is doing and i'm blessed to have my mom and have her with me' 

but now with "Compassion Fatigue" and "Caregiver Burnout"  I'm not feeling like its such a blessing anymore and truly believe she does all these things to push buttons as much as possible and pray for forgiveness for feeling that way

fyi, its all the little things that she seems to do to annoy that would make one think they are going crazy ... and makes her proud and happy inside.

for example ... she is like a 3rd shifter ... up at night sleeps all day.

So as soon as I get home from work, that's when she wakes up and begins to be active with cleaning her cats litter boxes ... she knows how much I love the smell of that, so be sure to do that as soon as I get home every day.

even before that, as soon as I walk in the door, she is in our one bathroom and happens to have just got in there to make me wait to change out of my 'work' clothes and get comfortable.

Putting her cat out on the screen porch, which she has been asked not to do repeatedly, but the cat has rights to enjoy the outside. Never mind that it jumps all over the screen trying to catch lizards and bugs, making big holes that need repatching over and over.

and so many more small things that she does to annoy yet if you say anything "you" have a problem cause she did nothing, nothing at all  LOL

oh i should really stop saying anything of those things, cause when i do, then those 'little' things are done to extreme and more frequent

one more I just thought of, she loves to shuffle around on our tile floors in her slippers.  I can't tell you how many times I have asked her to pick up her feet when she walks.  It would be 'more exercise' if she could lift her legs a little when she walks.

but no, its fun for her cause that sound makes the dogs crazy and they go running and barking at her, which disturbs my peace after work PLUS she can also be upset at THEM, because remember, she does nothing wrong.  DOUBLE WIN

I made the grave mistake of telling her to walk normal if she wanted to avoid getting the dogs going  on a few occasions and now she shuffles around ALL THE TIME

she is very proud of herself having a double win that bothers me AND gives a reason to get angry at my dogs

those are just a few examples of the things she does to annoy me, don't worry, she's got lots more where those come for my husband so he is not left out of the fun

all while looking 'innocent'.  "what?  what did i do"  UGGGGGG

I'll give you one little example, she happens to need a shower right before he gets in from doing yard work EVERY TIME, knowing he needs to clean up from sweating and working in the yard.  So he always has to use the kitchen sink when he gets done cause she 'just got in the shower' ... sorry, thought you would be busy outside for a while and thought it was a good time to shower.  "INNOCENT HER"

I know you enjoyed that so one more, he cooks the same meal on the same days, meatloaf on mondays, fish on fridays etc ... but she manages on many days to say, what you cooking for supper?  and not just once but multiple times in minutes, then repeating, 'oh, i forgot you just told me that'  LOL  She's not big on this one cause it doesn't seem to upset anyone, so its not often ...but she does re-attempt to annoy with it here and there.

she was top of her class in psychology and it shows

WARNING, LONG POST

Well, I definitely have "Compassion Fatigue" and "Caregiver Burnout"

Today's shopping went really bad. I was praying not to blow up yet, I did. UGGG she enjoys it too, I have to stop, Lord help me. She won again today.

First in the car I asked her to find her marriage certificates, ss card, birth certificate, divorce papers etc for the medicaid application. She said "chrisTINE, (I stress the TINE because that's how she has said it when she is upset with me ever since I have been a child and still does it to this day, even though I have told her repeatedly it puts me on edge right off the bat when she starts a sentence that way) I don't know if I have any of that"

So, out of all the 'stuff and junk' that she cries about being missing or moved after we attempt cleaning, she has nothing of her 'important' things that every adult should have. Why am I not surprised.

I said, well you had to have that to apply for ss and she replied, that was so long ago but I will look and see what i can find.

so we get to walmart, and get her in her buggy and we start shopping. the dairy section is always last and she said, I have to get some underwear, and I told her go get it and meet me at the dairy section cause I went to the deli for sandwich meat.

I get to the dairy section and NO MOM ... I go to the underwear, NO MOM, back and forth 4 times NO MOM ... now I"m fuming.

From the opposite side of the store here she comes ... as she gets closer i'm like WTF mom ... and she gives me that "what, i didn't do anything look" while saying, i'm going as fast as I can, this is slow.

Where were you mom, you were supposed to meet me at the dairy section,

well, i had to go and get something else

mom that wasn't the deal, i looked all over for you for 20 minutes after telling you i had lots to do today and wanted to get home asap GET WHAT YOU NEED IN THE DAIRY AND LETS GO

ok, so then we check out, she gets in front of me at the register as I put things on the conveyer to be checked out, next thing I know she is gone.

when i find her, she is at the wrong door (where i was unable see her unless walking all the way to that door and looking down the hall to the exit door), again looking at me all innocent, "What? I was just waiting for you by the door ."

I said WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS and you disappear AGAIN ... WTF, you are at the wrong door! we parked at the other one like we do EVERY WEEK.

now mind you, on the way to walmart, she knows exact dates of things I have coming up that I told her ONCE about but forgot the door we ALWAYS go to? COME ON

I told her I was sick of her manipulating me and she will not go shopping with me anymore... again she was like "chrisTINE, i didn't do it on purpose", repeatedly

hahahahahhaha
also please note, this is the first time EVER that she left the check out aisle to go wait at the door, usually waits at the end of the isle

anywho in the car I blew, screaming stating that I didn't know who she was anymore because 'my' mother would never hurt me like she has. How disrespectful she is for not doing a thing she is ever asked to do, like bring me one bag for goodwill each week that we could drop off on shopping days to help get her clutter better under control... simple things, but NOOO cant do a single one of them. EVER

I almost started to tell her how sick I have been all week with upset stomach and migraines from the stress, and how bad it sucks going to work feeling that sick every day because she stresses me out and wanted so badly to thank her for this latest part of this 'problem' .. but i stopped myself realizing 

1- why would she care
2 - she would be happy and very proud of herself deep down for how she made me feel

OH and then I heard, 'i have rights you know' LOL ... I had to laugh my butt off on that and then screamed 'what makes you think you have ANY rights'?

so it was bad, she kept telling me 'chrisTINE, "YOU" are the one with the problem all calm as I kept screaming ... until I finally said... joANN, you are correct and my problem is YOU

and she only responded with 'wow' LOL, like I'm the one being unreasonable even though for YEARS she has been inconsiderate and rude about her room and her stuff ... her stuff omg her stuff.

ya WOW my brain is saying ... cause now '"I" am the one with the problem' LOL ROFL OMG ... I have no problem admitting to the fact that I am not perfect and have a short temper ... with no patience at all as of late.  I even have said it before ... I know this is how I am.  Not everyone can be perfect like her.  Never doing any wrong and everyone else is either crazy or lying etc

In my brain thinking, well ya know what? PACK RAT, if you didn't have so much stuff and it could be put away where it belongs instead of PILES all over the room and your bed ... cleaning would not disturb ANY of "your stuff" as nothing would need to be moved and possibly misplaced.  ALL this fighting because of 'your stuff'', such stupidity

and I finished it with saying to her "this is exactly why our current living arrangement is not good for anyone anymore, and again, I need you to leave."


@ Veronica91

you are correct and today did help me big time to accept the fact that my mother will never change her ways.

Its always going to be 'everyone else' that has the problem, cause she is PERFECT in every way and innocent of everything ... and heaven forbid if anyone thinks otherwise.

"Concentrate on getting her into some sort of supervised living situation."...
putting the anger to motion and working on it ASAP

Her home no longer is an option as it has new owners.

but you are correct with her blaming me for abandonment, I can see it happening

"Once she is placed you can choose to see her as much or as little as you choose and get your life back."
I pray the day is near

and you are not being harsh at all ;)


@ Myownlife
I would love to get together with you to have a 'caregivers vacation' after you and I clean up the toxic crap going on we are dealing with. :)

I hope your 'do not disturb' night gave you some peace.

thank you for letting me vent

mrsray accept the fact that your mother will never change her ways, that is the nature of the beast,
Concentrate on getting her into some sort of supervised living situation.
I would not take her back to her own home. All you will get out of that is her blaming you for dumping her in that dump especially if you now have a nice home. She won't be above having you charged with abandonment.
Once she is placed you can choose to see her as much or as little as you choose and get your life back.
Sorry to sound so harsh but that is just my opinion and what i see coming down the road. Hugs

@Heather10 - Thank you!

My Own Life:

If your mother has Narcissistic personality disorder, she is lucky to have you. Many adult children of NPD mothers cut off connections years earlier.

NPD mothers are often sneaky and present a sweet face to some people and a nasty face to others, often their own children. Sometimes, too, they engage in character assassination of the very people who treat them the kindest.

I hope you can get some help by following the steps Mrsray is taking.

Best wishes.

@sendhelp and @mrsray - thank you both for the comforting words. Today is quieter... yesterday and today both, I have been working out of home, kept my door locked with same sign "do not disturb"..... knock on the door earlier, "are you going to come out?" to which I replied "yeah, later". I actually have the next few hours off and am just staying here and enjoying myself. Going to pay some bills, read the mail, phone ringers turned off, too bad I don't have a portapotty in here :) maybe that will be my next amazon order! No, I have avoided her, and just relaxing. And oh year, gotta get started on my taxes.... ughhh. What I really have trouble believing is how soooo many of us are unhappy with trying to do "the right thing" and "what is expected of us". When I stumbled upon this forum, it was a Godsend. Maybe one day, we can all go on a "caregivers only" vacation :)

@Myownlife
You deserve to have a life. Have you read on this forum about "Compassion Fatigue" and "Caregiver Burnout?"

I understand that you are done. And also very saddened that on your mother's 93rd Birthday, she would either not allow you to help her get ready for this event, or the dynamics between the two of you just blew up, as you contemplated how her history has shown her to be the sweet grandmother to the others and snide to you.

When a caregiver reaches that point when they can no longer be of help to their charge, it is time for you to get the help you need. Urgently. Understand, you are not alone.
No judgment here. You need someone to wrap their arms around you and hug you.

.

.

@ tiredonlychild

This is exactly what I will be telling her tomorrow on our weekly shopping day ..."the living arrangement simply doesn't work for anyone now."

Thanks for the hugs!

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@ Sendhelp

I do have a way to lock up the doggies, but hopefully will not have to get to that point since I am working on getting her different living arrangments.

Thank you for the understanding

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@ Myownlife

I pray you find peace ASAP. You do not deserve the stressful life you have at this time, I feel no one deserves things to be so out of control.

You inspire me to move fast on what needs to be done before I reach the stress levels you are at, as I am close enough now.

Prayers to you and yours... hope your happiness comes very soon.

I don't need baby steps. I need my mother out of my home now. Yesterday, was the final blow. I had made a reservation for a dinner out with several other family members to celebrate her 93rd birthday (she doesn't have dementia, but she has 93 years of narcissistic personality disorder, which means I have been on the receiving end for over 60 of those years. I called her to make sure she was almost ready and asked her to be outside in by the house waiting as I would be home in 10 minutes... I was running late. Fine no problem, she sounded fine and she would do that. I get home, waited in the car 20 minutes, walked inside and SHE yelled at me to not make her day any worse! She was in the middle of spraying a 2nd can of hairspray all over in the bathroom we share and for which makes me unable to breathe. I said nothing and walked back out to the car with my mind made up. Another 20 minutes later out she walked. I rolled all the windows done as that smell was suffocating, and drove her to the restaurant and let her out so she wouldn't have far to walk. I then proceeded to drive back home (the rest of everyone else was sitting at the reserved table outside, she only had a few steps to go. And I put signs on my door for when family returned her after supper... signs which said DO. NOT. DISTURB. I have had it with her treating me like *$%&. If I am brave enough to say it tomorrow, I will, if not, I will tell her this weekend that she needs to go. She has been belly-aching to go live in her house (3 hours) away, so I guess she can go back home. Her drama and snide remarks to me, and the sweet little grandma act to the others is ENOUGH. I have been trying to please her ALL MY FRICKIN' LIFE to no avail.... "I just want you to be happy". "I don't want to be a burden"... well guess what?!!!! I WAS happy until you started living with me, and guess what else?!!!! YOU. ARE a burden!!!

Your Mother needs more care than you and your husband can provide.

Just the medical diagnosis of diabetes, high blood pressure, and back pain brings huge challenges to one's mood, and ability to ambulate (walk) to the bathroom and kitchen.
If there is not a safe place to sit (like a recliner) she won't be leaving her room.

The medical conditions can be better treated, starting with a respite stint for physical rehab in a facility, ordered by her doctor, or an orthopedic specialist.

There will be people coming to your home. Facts of life.

So sorry for the extreme challenges your family has faced, with a hurricane, you working, your husband at home, and your Mother's decline.  Cage those little doggies when the needs assessment people show up.  Get them used to going in the cages now.

I totally understand when you say you need help with baby steps.  You are a caregiver!

I'm assuming you've already done this - but perhaps it's a good time to tell her that the living arrangement simply doesn't work for anyone now. It's not good for you, but more importantly, it isn't good for her. I don't know if she had dementia, but my dad lived with me for five years - but the last six weeks of his life (of course we didn't know that) he went to a memory care unit, because it was simply beyond what we could handle - with five people (two parents, three kids, one grandpa) to look out for him. But I discussed it with dad - the fact that he wasn't mingling with anyone, more reclusive and more harsh. He agreed (and I'll never know if he was fully onboard, or simply going along) but if there is anything left of a sane mother, perhaps it's time to say you have real concerns about her quality of life and that your hubby can't be her sole social interaction. Been there, done that. Hugs to you and hubby.

step 1 complete :)

I just got off the phone with my local area agency on aging.

they said the 'needs assessment' is actually a 'medicaid waiver' that i want since it will be for medicaid application.

they will call me back 3-5 business days to schedule a phone assessment.

@ blannie
geriatric care manager sounds good, I will look into that too as soon as I can. thank you so much for that information.

thank you again everyone

One other suggestion if you have the funds for it. A geriatric care manager could be helping you by taking mom to doctors' appointments and reporting back to you. That way you wouldn't have to take off time for those appointments. They're often retired nurses, so have a good medical background. They could also keep all of mom's medications organized, etc. You've already received a lot of great suggestions to work with.

Good luck and please keep us posted - we all learn from each other.

wow, I never imagined so many others deal with basically the exact same situation
I can't thank everyone enough for all the tips and advise that are pouring in!

@ Gardens
“one step at a time.” ... from this point forward  :)

a geriatric doctor sounds like a great idea, but again, i have 'no time' for new doctors and new appointments

as per the an in-home care companion, won't work, not only are strangers a bad idea at my house due to locked in property and land lord would not like it, I have 5 chihuahuas that would do nothing but bark and try to bite the in-home care companion's ankles the entire time, would not be much of a 'break'  LOL

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@ Lindav1828

What a great motivational story you have!  I pray for the same kind of outcome down the road for me and my family.

======================

@ Heather10

I totally understand its not healthy what mom is doing with her time, but can not change things as she does not listen to me and does what she wants.

She complains her back pain prevents her from moving around more.

She has no assests whatsoever.  Has not had any for over 5 years, we will be applying for medicaid as I am now organizing what I need to apply.

======================

@ Harpcat

"I wondered what it was that caused you to take her out of her home and into yours?"
GREAT QUESTION

I moved to FL from New England to get away from the cold and she welcomed my husband and I in her mobile home.  She was working then and retired a few years later.   Once retired, she stopped driving also, was having a few 'fender benders'.

Hurricane Wilma showed how scary a mobile home is during hurricane season.  My husband and I were invited to move into a secure house that a co worker of mine was renting.  We wanted to move as it was a much better location and safer home during storm season.

We asked her if she wanted to stay where she was or come with us and she also wanted a more secure / private location and moved with us.

Also, she does have pull-up briefs and uses them, just not all the time.  I might just need to remove all other panties she has.

======================

@ MaryKathleen

she used to be a little social, not hugely social.  She also would say things when she worked like ... if I had to stay home alone, I would go crazy.  But today has said she doesn't mind staying home and not really socializing.  I just feel it would be better for her.  We go out every saturday shopping for groceries and its early before most people get there and there are only workers, which she has come to love to talk to and socialize with.  (takes longer shopping now  LOL)  ... So, its just my gut telling me she would be happier with more socialization, yet, she talks so bad about anyone and everyone, and can not stand people for long, I also wonder if it is a good idea or not  LOL.

I can not imagine my husband siding with my mother, that must have been terrible.

and yes ... this site, all the advice and encouragement is so right on!!

======================

@ Myownlife

I feel terrible that I waited so long to get Medicaid going, I had no idea all the extra help she could have been getting.  I had no idea how much she needed it and really what it even was for.  My bad.

We are getting that ball rolling now.

I understand how mom can be frustrating, that's for sure.  Thank you for sharing your story to again show me that I am not alone in this.  ;)

I am going to call to get the 'needs assessment' going either today or tomorrow. See if we can go somewhere at the end of the month to have it done since I already will be out with her for her dr appt.

Thanks again to all!!!

fyi.... if your mom qualifies for Medicaid and has medical needs for Medicaid Long Term Care (through a number of insurance companies depending on your state and county), Medicaid LTC DOES cover adult day care, it does cover assisted living, nursing home (depending on level of care) or home-based in your home, her apartment or wherever, in which she can have services from an agency based on needs, i.e. personal care - bathing, grooming, toileting, ambulating/mobility, transferring, meal preparation, and/or homemaking - laundry, bed-making, , dusting, light vaccuming , all of this for the member only (not a whole family).... it also pays for supplies for incontinence such as briefs/diapers, or pull-ups, underpaid/chux, wipes, gloves. If they need it, they can receive Meals onWheels, or Food With Care, or Mom's Meals.

As far as socialization, I go with what someone else said, was your mom social earlier in her life? Mine was not, so her wanting to play computer games or watch tv all day, are natural. But MY mom has narcissistic personality disorder/manipulative, acts out with me, but is sweet in front of her adult grandchildren and others. And tonight took the cake. I had an out of town meeting and lunch, and called her afterward to wish her Happy Birthday and to make sure she remembered dinner downtown at 5:00. So I called when I was a 1/2 hr away, and she said she was ready, I asked her to be out the door at 4:30, she agreed. So I sat in the driveway for 15" and finally decided on checking on her. She was in the bathroom still primping and using the whole can of hairspray (which I can NOTTTT tolerate.. think I may be asthmatic, and I have asked her a number of times to not use it in the bathroom, but she does it anyway. However I said nothing about that and asked if she was ready as she was to be outside 10-15" earlier, she got mad and yelled something about being on the telephone for 15 and don't make her day any worse.... whoa! So, another 15-20" she finally comes out the door.... well then it's after 5:00 when the reservation was scheduled .... had to call and delay, and along the way, I decided.... she's p***ed me off one too many times, and now it's going to be assisted living or back to her own home 3 hours away with NOT support around,and I am NOT taking all my vacation days to travel to her town to check on her and take her to dr. appts. And as she has AGAIN gone out of her way to be nasty with me, I drove her to the restaurant and dropped her off in front to join the others, and I left and came on home alone :), watching movies on amazon and enjoying myself while she can enjoy time with the kids. But our conversation re: ALF or her home 3 hours away with hiring help, and my NOT visiting there, OR, I mentioned to her to sell her house, I sell mine and we get one with a different living area, like a mother-in=law suite with bathroom and kitchen , at opposite sides of the house, for privacy. We will see.

Personally, I would not ask her Dr. to do a needs assessment. I doubt that he is qualified for that, it is sort of a specialized field. Maybe you do need to change doctors, look at a Geriatric Dr. It has made a world of difference to us.

I wouldn't worry too much about getting her in a socialized situation unless she used to be very social. My mother hated people and did not want to be around anyone. She was that way from the time she was about 40 years old. She was happiest alone. I on the other hand am very different, I need socialization. So, what you think she needs may not be what she wants. Why force her.

I wouldn't worry about taking baby steps, my mother was one of the reasons my last marriage broke up. Funny, my husband was on her side, finally, I had enough and left them both. Your husband shouldn't have to put up with abuse.

I love this site, all the advice and encouragement is so right on.

I wondered what it was that caused you to take her out of her home and into yours? Was she dangerous living alone? It sounds like she is not independent, nor drives, is that right?
You have a right to move her and don’t worry about what she may pull. If it’s not what you signed up for then it is what it is and do not feel like your a bad person. We don’t get to pick our parents and they aren’t all sweet and lovely. Especially if there are personality disorders. I suggest you get the book called Loving Hard to Love Parents. By Dr. Paul Chafetz. It deals with adult children of difficult parents, and their personality disorders, dementia , how to talk to them etc. quick and easy read for you and hubby.
As far as her bathroom mistakes, get her pull-up briefs and remove all her current panties so she has no choice. I had to do this with my dad when he had urinary incontinence because otherwise he would wear his briefs. He was glad he began wearing them as no more embarrassing moments.

Hi Mrsray:

It is not healthy for you mother to be hanging around inactive, watching youTube all day.

Unless she has dementia or a serious medical condition, 76 is not that old. She should be doing things for herself like cooking and light cleaning and she needs a support system of people her own age.

You mentioned she is manipulative.  This may indicate a personality disorder like dependent personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder, etc.

These disorders are difficult to treat.

If she only needs, assisted living, medicaid will not pay for this.

They will only pay for nursing home care, once all her assets are exhausted.

To qualify for medicaid a person can not have any savings, or stock. 

In some states, if money is transferred out of her account to qualify her for medicaid, they do a "five-year look back".

You might be best served by talking to a qualified elder-care attorney. They can tell you what to do to proceed in the safest way.

mrsray, My Sisters and I had the same problem and we put my Mom's name on a list at a new High Rise that was going up in our little town. When she was excepted, we told her and helped her move. She wasn't happy at first but, now, she is the happiest she's been in a long time. She plays bingo, cards and builds puzzles. It possible, just look at the options.

Your situation sounds similar to mine in several ways. So, I’ll tell you that all changes are a mix of being more difficult than you could have imagined and easier than you could have hoped for. So, rather than “baby steps,” I think of it as “one step at a time.” Some of them will feel so small that you’ll feel like you’re not getting anywhere. Others will be giant steps forward. The important thing is to keep moving yourself, your Mom and your family forward to something sustainable and better.
The personality changes - mean, deliberate defiance, pack rat, social withdrawal, paranoia - in my mom, these have been worsened or brought on by dementia.
It has been invaluable to have 1) a full psychological evaluation to diagnose and get a baseline on her dementia and other neurological issues, and 2) a geriatric doctor who understands the complexity of aging and who can be your partner in determining the best care for mom.
As final suggestion - consider respite care for yourself and your husband. Or, an in-home care companion. This person can give you relief from caregiving, and a chance to be on your own or a few hours away from the house together. A caregiver can also provide your Mom with a companion and confidant which she may need. It can be difficult to think about introducing someone into your home, but for everyone’s well-being it is worthy of trying. It can be the “reset” button you all need to continue this difficult labor of love.
Wishing you the best.