When you originally posted this thread (April 2022), you said, and I quote you Ventingisback, “Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.”
Note to self: Try to find a way to exit. The price you pay for helping will be too high: it’ll mess up your whole life, future. Hire others, delegate, hire, delegate.
I am so grateful to the people that told me that they understood that I loved my mom but that the burden was too heavy for me to continue carrying.
Many people tried telling me that I was overextending my capabilities. My defense was always that, ‘I dearly loved my mother.’
BarbBrooklyn’s honesty helped to snap me out of my delusional bubble of thinking that I must do everything myself. She taught me that was not the best definition of love and to care for myself equally.
Don't fall for the "I had no other choice". Believe me there is always a choice. Choose what is best for you in the long run, not what will fix things at this moment (or what makes the person in need happiest at this moment).
Love is not enough and you will lose friends, family support and your health. My Mom's hospital doctor told me "You are not her daughter, you are her caregiver" Be the daughter. I wish I had listtened.
Such simple, good advice. Why is it so hard??? (Rhetorical question. I know why. It’s because bad food is tasty and comforting. Lettuce and tomatoes aren’t comforting…).
Take care of yourself physically and mentally, this will only help you care for them. Be patient and learn when to ignore their actions that offend you. Deep down inside is the person you love, so don't forget that. Do and try your best, but always take breaks, you need this to be your best in these tough times. Tough times make you a stronger and better version of yourself so take the time to learn from this experience.
❤️ i might be overdoing this "be kind to yourself"... now, every time i complete even the smallest task for my LOs, i immediately give myself a BIG reward. example: right now, i ordered a HUGE chai latte from a cafe.
so, if i could go back in time, i would tell myself, "be average kind to yourself".
Note to myself: when you feel overwhelmed by the quantity of problems, or gravity, if time permits take a break. Then start again. It's OK to take breaks. Just don't procrastinate, it doesn't help. (Currently, my problems are a consequence of having used a lot of time caregiving. It's set back my life in various ways.) You're an excellent problem-solver. You got this.
Keep calm and patient. Remember this is the person you love. After seven years of dementia, my husband recently passed away. I very much regret the times I was angry with him.
I saw this funny advice. So I'm giving myself the same advice, if I could go back in time: "Please don't do anything stupid for current me to remember while I'm trying to sleep."
Another care giver shared a mantra he uses: Patience. Tolerance. Forgiveness. This applies not only to the person you're caring for but also to yourself.
@vent. So true , sorry . I was scrolling in newsfeed and for some reason I thought this was on Barbs thread of If you become a caregiver . So yeah slightly different context since you were talking to yourself than where my mind was . My apologies .
@Way2tired Very true. There are so many things out of our control. I'm talking more about other things. Let's say you're miserable about gaining weight. Try to motivate yourself. Do little things in the right direction. Remember also, that I'm talking to myself. If I could go back in time, what would I warn myself about caregiving?...
@venting. Easier said than done when you are dealing with Groundhog Day , same thing everyday with a dementia patient who doesn’t understand , or simply a very demanding , self centered old person . It can be difficult to not be miserable caring for these people . Most of the people who come to ask questions on this forum , come because they are miserable .
Follow what you preach.
When you originally posted this thread (April 2022), you said, and I quote you Ventingisback,
“Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.”
So, did you do it?
Anyway, since I’m on this thread:
Note to self:
Have an exit plan, if you ever want to completely stop caregiving.
I guarantee you’ll recognize your abusive mom, dad…or even abusive “friend”.
They all do the same things…
https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse
Whether it’s your awful, elderly mom doing this to you (99% are moms, rather than dads)…or an abusive “friend”…
Understand this:
WHY?
Emotional abusers have a need to control and dominate the other person.
CONSEQUENCE:
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.
You simply can’t allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship.
Try to find a way to exit. The price you pay for helping will be too high: it’ll mess up your whole life, future. Hire others, delegate, hire, delegate.
Be flexible.
“Love is not enough,” is such a wise response!
I am so grateful to the people that told me that they understood that I loved my mom but that the burden was too heavy for me to continue carrying.
Many people tried telling me that I was overextending my capabilities. My defense was always that, ‘I dearly loved my mother.’
BarbBrooklyn’s honesty helped to snap me out of my delusional bubble of thinking that I must do everything myself. She taught me that was not the best definition of love and to care for myself equally.
Such simple, good advice. Why is it so hard??? (Rhetorical question. I know why. It’s because bad food is tasty and comforting. Lettuce and tomatoes aren’t comforting…).
Stressed? Unhappy? I turn to food.
Step 1 Recognize your life is a mess, from un-messing other people’s lives
Step 2 Vent about it
Step 3 Vent some more
Step 4 Un-mess your life
"Tough times make you a stronger"
🙂 i'd like to point out a few quotes:
"What doesn't kill you usually succeeds on the second time."
"What doesn't kill you can cripple you until you die."
"As an actual amputee, right leg, below knee, I can confirm that I am not as strong or mobile as I was with two normal legs."
i might be overdoing this "be kind to yourself"...
now, every time i complete even the smallest task for my LOs, i immediately give myself a BIG reward. example: right now, i ordered a HUGE chai latte from a cafe.
so, if i could go back in time, i would tell myself,
"be average kind to yourself".
Yes, but first you'll have to go through 9,999,999 clouds.
"Please don't do anything stupid for current me to remember while I'm trying to sleep."
I think your mantra is better Pamela. :)
So true , sorry . I was scrolling in newsfeed and for some reason I thought this was on Barbs thread of If you become a caregiver . So yeah slightly different context since you were talking to yourself than where my mind was . My apologies .
Very true. There are so many things out of our control. I'm talking more about other things. Let's say you're miserable about gaining weight. Try to motivate yourself. Do little things in the right direction. Remember also, that I'm talking to myself. If I could go back in time, what would I warn myself about caregiving?...
Easier said than done when you are dealing with Groundhog Day , same thing everyday with a dementia patient who doesn’t understand , or simply a very demanding , self centered old person . It can be difficult to not be miserable caring for these people . Most of the people who come to ask questions on this forum , come because they are miserable .