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CWillie, joining this thread kind of late. I hope you are feeling a bit better about things today. Try not to let the images get in your head too much. I know with my Mom when she first went into fulltime nursing care I had to avert my eyes a lot so as not to get depressed by the sight of the other residents. Just concentrate on your Mom and how she is adjusting and forget about all that other stuff or you will make yourself ill.

Thinking of you and wishing you well C Willie!
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You have not failed Cwillie. If you feel you are at the end of your rope in that you can't provide care to her anymore, look into a SNF. Don't feel like a failure as we humans can only stretch so far emotionally and physically and it is to both of your detriment to continue as you are.
It's really hard work caregiving at home by yourself.
It's ok to not want to continue.
You will be able to provide her with more emotionally when you are well rested and have taken care of yourself.
Try to have her placed somewhere and do it soon. Get the process done and then deal with the emotions that come with it.
We did it with my mother when it was apparent my brother and I just couldn't do it. My mom hadn't had a bm in two weeks- neither my brother nor I knew that, and she ended up placed after that hospitalization as she wouldn't bath, refused hygiene, tried to still get to the bathroom but barely, her home was too small for equipment she needed, for just a few reasons - I can list more.
Nope, you are not a failure for placing her to preserve her safety and your emotional and physical well being.
Good luck to you. I understand what you are going through 100%. But I still made the call to transfer her to a NH vs return home.
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Hm, it has only been 8 days since my original post, so much has happened since then it seems so long ago...

I feel like a soldier who has been living in the trenches and just passed through a tremendous battle. I am now brushing myself off, defeated, bruised and bloodied, but I (we) have survived and already I am beginning to refocus my energy on the next task, because I know the war isn't over yet.

Sorry for the liberal use of metaphor, but that is the way my mind is working right now.
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...don't pick on your scabs, takes time to heal 😉
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Cwillie, hope everything goes well with your Mom being in her new home. And you can finally exhale. It is always so difficult to see one's parent no longer living at home but knowing it really has to be done.

Oh my gosh, I didn't realize there were still nursing homes where one would step back into time. Thanks for the update. Hopefully the Staff is better prepared.

I remember when my Mom had to go into long-term-care. We had no other choice as she needed skilled nursing care. No way at my age could I do hands-on as it would be like trying to pick up an 80 lb free weight.

I remember my Dad saying that he didn't think that he and Mom would live this long. Both were in their mid-to-late 90's. Well, according to Ancestry . com, lot of relatives going way back lived that long on both sides of the family.
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You've certainly accomplished a lot in 8 days. Take a hot bath, go get your hair done and maybe a pedicure. See if there's a good movie on today, kick back, have a good cry if you want and just breathe. Sending good wishes from south of the border. (I think you are Canadian).
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FF, our provincial Health Minister has mandated that all these very old facilities must be upgraded by 2025, but for us that seems a very long way off.
Mom seems to be settling in much more easily than I anticipated, but of course she is a lot less oriented to time and place than she was a year ago. And the staff there, rather than being disgruntled about their working conditions, seem extra friendly and really do make up for the shortfalls of the facility.
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One could have state of the art facilities and buildings, but if the staff hasn't got it, then I could see you bringing in the calvary to get her out of there.

You seem to have done so well, and survived those 8 days!

It was a surprise to me when a friend was placed in a similar looking place that is part of a top rated hospital for post-surgical rehab, and she has the best insurance. Her meals arrive cold it's so far away.

What is the next battle? Will you be able to keep your housing? I am hoping the best for you, Cwillie.
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Next battle? I don't want to think about it, I'm still getting used to my R&R.

I carefully set myself up to live very cheaply here and I can survive a long time on my savings, it just means a little less stashed away for my own 100th birthday.
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What a great way to look at it, Cwillie! Your 100th Birthday! Par...tee...!
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Cwillie

Enjoy your R&R
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The song of a woman who has come through. Yea! cwillie. I know things are not over, but it must be nice to breathe and sleep and do nothing at all if you want.
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CWillie as a fellow Canadian I know what you mean about those outdated places. Archaic aren't they. But one thing my Mom's case worker told us is a lot of these fancy dancy places spend most of their budget on appearances and leave you wanting staff wise. Case in point: the place we placed my Mom in was really old but the staff was golden. They were so sweet and kind to my Mom. We fixed her room up really nice with a lot of her favorite pieces of furniture. Or should I say, I did. Siblings didn't have much to do with that. They were in the process of rebuilding the facility and we were told that Mom would be in a brand spanking new place. So, fast forward a year. Yeah, the place was brand spanking new. Mom was not allowed any of her personal stuff except for a few pictures. They cut staff. The people weren't nearly as nice. The place looked like a brand new prison for all the warmth there was there. My Mom got so depressed. I'd phone her up and she would be crying, saying "I'm staying here?" Something she never did at the old place. She ended up dying less than 3 mths. later. I sometimes wonder if she would still be alive if she had stayed where she was.

So, don't count a place out if it looks old. Sometimes thats not so bad.
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Gershun, I have to admit once I got over the original shock I couldn't be happier about the feel of the place, mom has only been there days and already I have staff greeting me at the door like an old friend. It is such a huge contrast to the "better" place in my town she has been in before for respite. It will be difficult to know what to do when a place opens up there, will things be different when she is a permanent resident vs a short stay, or will I still feel like an unwelcome outsider?
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I was wrong about permanent placement, sorry. You were offered permanent placement, but the placement now is temporary, for respite.
Is that correct?
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No Send, you've got it right. It started out as a respite stay and morphed into a permanent stay, although she will likely be moving to the place closer to me when a space becomes available.
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It is a good thing that you can trust the staff now.
What are you doing in your free time?
If it was me, I would be doing absolutely n o t h i n g, and not feeling guilty about it one bit.

My limited experience has been that once I stop the huge efforts to support a loved one (or even a neighbor) in the past, there is a feeling that I need to recover from the shock, think things through, etc. Sometimes I wonder why I was trying so hard, but never have I done the care that you did for so long, alone. All I can say as an observer and friend, is that you have been very brave!
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Cwillie, you put up the fight for a good long time, it's now time to let the professionals caregivers care for your Mom, and you can be the happy visitor, who brings in treats, and gets to go home to rest and recoup!

Cudos to you, for loving and caring for as long as you have been, but your right, it isn't over yet.

My hope for you and your Mom, is smooth roads ahead, with great care for her, and you finding your new normal, as her daughter, and not her main caregiver. I'm sure it will be a long adjustment period, but you can do this!

I'm so glad that you aren't displaced, and can go on living where you are, as having to move would be unbearable, after having dealt with so much for so long. You take care of yourself now! Love Stacey B
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I tried to put myself in cwillie's place and know that when my mother is no longer here I am going to feel disoriented. After it has been your life for so long and changes suddenly, it would be like whaaa... I would still be looking to do certain things at certain times. I would feel like I needed to visit a lot to fill in the blank spaces left in my life. cwillie, I don't know if you feel this way, but I know I would.

I am so glad that you knew that it was time and got some of the stress off of you. Even when you love your parent, it can ruin your life. It is a reality of long-term caregiving. I'm rambling along here, because I've given so much thought to my own road after my mother is gone. I will still have so much to tend to that I won't be able to just pick up and leave, though really it is what I will want to do. I am glad there are people on the group who have been through it and can help guide our way out of caregiving full time. Maybe this first step is a time to reflect and adjust, then figure out where to go from here. Long-term caregiving can lead us down a long path alone and it can be hard to know how to get back.
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I'm already rattling around the house wondering what to do, mom didn't take up a lot of my time but her scheduled needs added structure to my days. It's too soon to jump back into the work world, not that there is anything available, especially since my resume will have to be a carefully worded fabrication and no references, my former restaurant boss moved to parts unknown, cleaning clients ditto and I'm in a different town anyway.

As for being the "happy visitor, who brings in treats" I'll take that comment in the spirit it was intended, so thank you Stacey, even though it bears little relevance to our situation. They've got her on pudding thickened liquids, and I did manage to spoon a glass of warmish juice? into her yesterday, I don't think that counts as a treat though.
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Cwillie, my heart bleeds for you. I was in the same place mentally just a short time ago. Was at the end of my rope, then my mom had a fall that put her in the hospital. Good time to transition to a facility. So that was done and she was making progress physically even if she had not quite accepted that this was her new home. Then another fall at the home. Back in the hospital. This time surgery involved. Another set back. Getting multiple stories from the home about what happened. Just tell me the truth! I wasn't looking to place blame, I know accidents happen, but I hate being lied to and will have a hard time trusting that she is getting adequate care now. If I have to be there round the clock to be sure she isn't being ignored I might as well bring her home. Still getting no peace! Soooooo Cwillie, my advice to you is to let the home know exactly what kinds of behaviors they can expect from your mom and how you want them to deal with those. Tell them everything you know about your mom and make them document it. Let them know exactly what you expect from them. And, keep a journal of things you observe (concerns, etc.); go over those things with the patient advocate shortly after the observation. Don't be like I was and fear pissing them off. It's their job to keep your mom safe. You have a right to peace of mind and trust me, there will be none if you can't trust the people taking care of her. The facility I sent my mom to has a very good rating and I believe they are good and caring people. Accidents do happen, but now I've lost some trust (because of the lies) and will be on pins and needles and very watchful. I'll be spending most of my time there observing for a while. If I can't feel comfortable about her care after a while I will need to look for another facility. I tell you all this to perhaps spare you from some of the stress and guilt I am feeling right now because I was not assertive enough about what they could expect from my mom and what my expectations were. It may have happened anyway, but I will never know that.
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Patient advocate, what's that? :( I was told yesterday that we will be able to go over all my questions and concerns during her care meeting... in a month or month and a half. I've stopped in twice today and both times she has been too deeply asleep to wake up, not unusual in the morning but not her previous norm in the afternoon.
I figured out for myself she had a shower yesterday after quizzing her, as far as I can tell her daily stimulation is the 3 hours it takes to prep for meals, eat and return, and I'm told she likes to "watch" the news after supper (blind and hard of hearing, not too likely lol) I think that is code for being parked in the lounge while they get everyone ready for the night.
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CW, with my mother it was a case of "would you like the news?" "yes, lovely... [snooze]" "Shall I put the CD on?" "yes, lovely... [gentle snoring]"

I assumed that anything that filtered through was as much stimulation as she felt like. I expect your mother, too, still likes to go through the motions.

A month seems a bit long to wait for the care plan. I mean, it's not like you don't have years of expertise and experience to share with her new team.

Your mother is safe. As long as you're happy, that she's comfortable and not frightened, then I'm happy on her account - it's you I'm concerned about. Sure you're not going into freefall emotionally? Please keep checking in. Hugs.
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Cwillie
Hang in there

In an earlier post you mentioned cups were out of mom's reach - is it possible for you to observe mealtime in the facility ?

This may be when some extra assistance would help -
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Thanks MsMadge and CM, I think they probably have the fluids spooned into her. It just chafes that the self determination I have worked so hard to give her for so long is so casually abandoned - no effort to allow her the grapes or crunchy snacks she so loves, or to hold her own cup to drink when she desires, no attempts to toilet, no access to music she prefers. Of course she agrees she wants to see the news or wants a cup of coffee because those were the habits of a lifetime, but the reality is that she can't remember or articulate what she really wants. I got a call from sis that they had left a message on her machine that the doctor had been in and changed up her meds (I guess they couldn't get me because I was sitting on the street waiting for lunch to be over). I'm fine with the changes, but I'd like to feel consulted rather than dictated to. I know that isn't the way it works though.
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They didn't let you in to assist with lunch? Blimey. I was allowed to do that even in rehab.

CW, I'm so sorry. All your hard work. I don't know what to say, just hugs.
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No no, I chose not to join the lunch crowd, I feel like a fifth wheel and it's just too stressful.
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Hm, re reading that I sound like a pouty child who wants things her own way or nothing at all. I admit my introverted tendencies mean I don't play well with others, I know I'll have to learn to deal with it.
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You and me both! I spent the whole of today in a team of five. It's not something I put on my resumé, but you know how they always ask brightly "are you a good team player?" and you're supposed to say "certainly am!"

... er ...

Well I only wanted to strangle three and a half of the others...

[Mutters] It's not us being introverted. It's them being beyond annoying.

They were in a hurry to leave by four. We still had two ward reviews to complete. Fine, they want to crack on - so they spend a full ten minutes discussing how and why they want to leave at four and how they feel under pressure and how long it will take us to do the rest... I'm rictus smiling and trying not to snap the pencil.

I did worry at lunches that I might distract other diners and make them take even longer over their food, which wouldn't have made me any too popular. Who helps at mealtimes, other family members or the care assistants?
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They say we are welcome, but the reality makes it difficult. From what I've observed the dining room is arranged with tables of four. Mom is at a table with two others who need some help and one aide, which really doesn't leave a place for family to pop in and help, not to mention chairs are at a premium.
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