Hi everyone, this is going to be a pretty long post so, for those of you who make it to the end, I would like to thank you in advance.
I have been in a relationship for the past two years to a wonderful man, however, I think he might be too close to his mother and it has been negatively impacting our relationship from the start.
His mother has always been dependent on his father, in fact, although she went to school, she has never worked a day in her life, opting instead to be a stay at home mom. She once told my boyfriend that she never got a driver's license so that his father would have to come home and take her to the places she needed to get to.
His father passed away a few years ago, and so now his mother is alone. She is showing early signs of dementia, but for the most part, she is still very independent. She goes out every morning to socialize with her friends, she is able to manage the house with little help and is still capable of taking care of herself in terms of bathing etc.
Before I continue, I just want to say that I acknowledge that caregiving is a very trying thing, and I do realize that she has dementia and needs more help than the average parent. The caregiving is not the issue, their closeness is.
My boyfriend lives about 10 minutes away from his mother, and he and I live in the same condo building. He works fulltime but manages to visit his mom at least four times or more a week and they speak at least three times a day on the phone. Although we live just a couple of floors from each other, we have now settled into a once a week thing mostly because I don't want to pressure him for more time when I know he hardly gets time for himself. If he goes more than a couple days without seeing his mother, she gives him the cold shoulder and only stops after he has showered her with time and attention to make it up to her.
His brother and sister both live relatively close by, but they are not as close to their mom which I am now beginning to suspect is because of how close she is to my boyfriend. It is no secret that he is her favourite so I think there may be some resentment there. In addition, his brother and sister are both married with children - my boyfriend, at 52 has never been married, so I guess naturally it is easily assumable that he would have the most time to give. He has tried to take steps to free up more of his time, but he is always met with resistance. If he mentions having a caregiver come a few times a week, she becomes ornery. Last month he decided to try to have gourmet meals delivered to her place because she wasn't eating enough, and for the whole week, for every meal, he was bombarded with complaints so he has gone back to delivering dinner for her personally. She tells him she feels bad and she wants him to live his life, but any effort he tries to make that will help him to take care of her and still have a life is shot down but he doesn't seem to notice what is happening. I am not at all implying that his mother is an evil genius, but I do think as much as she says she feels bad, she enjoys having him there with her all the time.
I have never met his mother but the first thing she had to say when she learned of me is that I am with my boyfriend for his money. That was the first dig. We got into an argument early on in our relationship and he told her all about it do for months after, even though things were really good with us, she would remind him of the argument we had. I once poured my heart out to him in a letter which he promptly shared with his mother. It made me sick. I spent a month planning an evening for him for his birthday last year, and told him about it a month in advance because I didn't want his mom to get in the way and guess what? He took his mother on vacation with flights leaving on the very day of my plans for him. Our first summer together we decided to go away for a weekend and when he told his mom, she told him to refrain from having sex with me, and when we got back to the city she actually called to make sure he had listened to her. He lied to her to keep the peace but how and why would a mother of a 50-year-old son, feel comfortable enough to control her son's sex life?
When he needs advice, he asks his mom first before asking me, when I compliment him on a shirt, for example, it is not uncommon for his reply to be "thanks, mom likes this one too," when we go out to eat, every waitress asks for his mom because they have only ever seen him there with her, and even when I order dishes sometimes he'll say "you'll enjoy that, my mom likes it a lot."
I feel like there have always been three people in my relationship, and I have always felt like the mistress. I understand his mom's care comes before my wants, but when it doesn't have anything to do with her dementia care, am I being selfish as he's lead me to believe, am I wrong for being mad?
Much more has happened that I can't fit but I'm asking, is this normal for dementia care?
I have been trying to make the thoughtful things he does for me like bringing home my favourite treat, outweigh what I have been missing in our relationship. I don't think he is a bad guy, I just think he is stuck but because of his position, our relationship has also been stuck. I hate that it has to be this way.
Don't even get me started on the President lol! ugh. I am so bothered with what has been happening in the US. I think I'll stick around, having people to talk to is a really good feeling.
you're not being mean at all. I appreciate your honesty. Plus, you haven't said anything I have not been thinking for two years.
I accepted the second in line position, I have no idea why. When it does get to feel like too much though and I try to talk to him about it he tells me "it's not a competition," I think he feels putting me first, even sometimes, is a betrayal to his mother. I am made to feel like asking to be first is selfish of me because of her condition.
We can be so good sometimes but I do find myself getting jealous of their relationship and the things they do quite often. I mean, he and I go on dates, but he does that with his mom too. I've never been on vacation with him though, and we don't get weekend getaways in the summer nearly as often as they do, and I want more than anything for him to let me in and let me be his source of comfort etc. But I think you are all right, it's what my friends have been saying for over a year now but I just didn't want to hear it, this is most likely not the relationship for me.
I sure know how to pick 'em.
He wanted me to meet her when we first started dating but it never happened. Now he says he doesn't want me to meet her because he feels I don't like her or that I am not really concerned with her health problems. I have never spoken badly about his mom, all of the blows came from her side - the things she has said. I am concerned about her health and I see how hard it is for my boyfriend but I do also think at times, that she knows how to get her way with him.
Red flags everywhere!
The possibility of a boyfriend or marriage relationship with this man never existed, even prior to his mother having dementia.
You say: "- my boyfriend, at 52 has never been married, "
You say he treats you well. No he doesn't, getting on a plane with his Mom when you thought his birthday would be spent with you? He doesn't introduce you to his mother?
I agree with Cwillie, you may be being gaslighted.
Your complaints have hurt you, made you act and feel like someone you don't want to be, I am guessing.
Look around for a real relationship. But do this after you have been to therapy. Find out not what was wrong with him, you already know that. Find out how your self-esteem became so low as to accept what was not available to you right next door.
As for being in a relationship for the money, seems your neighbor has been bought and paid for by his mother. Keep him as a neighbor.
I don't think meeting his mom is an option. I believe she does not want to meet me. I am younger than he is, I'm 32. His age is one of the things that attracted me to him, I figured at 52, he would be ready to settle down, we both have decided that kids aren't for us (which is the reason my other relationships didn't work), and we have similar ways of viewing the world. On paper, we work so well. In reality, it only works 50% of the time. He is my best friend, but his mom is his and it's hurtful.
You are correct. He has assured her she can say what she wants, clearly, as she seems very comfortable doing just that.
The being number one is the biggest question I have... is it even right for me to want to be given his mother's situation? As a good partner to a caregiver, should I be more understanding that being number 1 is not possible right now?
He wanted to me to meet his mother initially but that changed, now he says he doesn't think I should because I'm not understanding enough. I even started reading everything I could about to dementia to try to understand. I offered to do arts and crafts with her because I read that art therapy can be beneficial, my offer was declined. When she wasn't eating enough, I offered to make a batch of meals for the week, that was declined. I bought her adult colouring cards and 100 markers so she would have something to do, and I don't think she's ever touched them. I've tried to help but he doesn't allow it, and then he says I'm not supportive.
You know, I'm not sure having to take care of her hygiene-wise would be an issue for my boyfriend. He is in the healthcare profession. Plus, when they would go away for the weekend, he wouldn't sleep on the couch, they would share a bed. I think their close relationship would trump the awkwardness of hygiene care.
I think I'm holding on to how he was when we first met. He was a true gentleman, literally swept me off my feet. He was attentive and would call and want to see me as much as he could. Things changed after our first argument when his mom would remind him about it for months after it happened. I can tell he loves me, and I see his confliction but I think it's easier for him to disappoint me than it is for him to disappoint his mom. I admire his determination and drive. Our relationship has had a very positive impact on me... I'm setting goals and making plans that I probably would have never even thought possible two years ago and as I reach my goals I want him, the person who inspired me, there with me. I know this might sound odd given my rant but the relationship really is so good at times.
I do realize that counselling is needed at this point. And yes, my complaints make me feel like the worst human being on the planet. I feel so guilty for wanting more time especially when he says I'm not being supportive or understanding. What decent human being neglects to be more understanding of their partner having a sick mom? It's a constant internal battle for me. Truthfully, I also feel awful that when she throws a tantrum for not getting enough of his attention, that my initial thought is usually "seriously woman? you've seen him four times this week! call your other kids for once." The thing is, she's lonely and I feel sorry for her. When she does forget things she gets scared and I feel horrible about that. I can't imagine what knowing your world one day and forgetting it the next must be like and I can't imagine would it is like for a child to witness their parent(s) go through that. He says I'm naive and that when I'll have to take care of my parents I'll understand the choices he has made. There's a part of me that always thinks maybe he's right. It might be one of those things that you don't understand until you have to go through it and everyone handles it differently.
I don't think they were always this close. It happened after his father died and now it's just routine.
His birthday was a huge blow... I was sooooo hurt but he said it will be one of the last times she would be able to travel and their birthdays are just a day apart so I tried to be understanding. She also monopolizes the holidays too though and that can be hard. We aren't able to make Christmas or new years plans ever because they now have "traditions", so I see him after he has spent the day with her during the holidays.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm settling so it keeps me around. A friend of mine mentioned that this relationship made me lose sight of my worth. I was angry with her. but that seems to be the theme so it is something I really need to reflect on.
I really have no idea where she got the using him for his money thing from. We don't go on lavish vacations or go shopping, etc. She gets that from him. I'm not sitting at home waiting for an allowance every month or anything like that, and although I don't make as much as he does, I give him what I can when I can in the form of dinners, gifts, and little things to let him know he was thought of. I'd be lying if I said he has not helped me at all, but it's definitely not what she makes it out to be, and I think helping each other sometimes is normal in a relationship. I lived with my ex-boyfriend for eight years, and during that time what was mine was his and vice versa. We didn't keep tabs or IOU's, but with my boyfriend, because of what his mom has said, I don't even feel comfortable venting to him about anything that has to do with money.
I am concerned for you.
Enjoy your life.
Stay with us here and let us know your successes!
Just curious, how long were you in the relationship that was similar to mine? Did you go to therapy after the relationship was over?
Thank you. I really do appreciate your concern. I'll stick around, talking to you all about this has been really helpful and therapeutic. I haven't spoken to anyone in my life about this situation lately because I'm embarrassed. It feels good to talk openly like this.
They have property up north and a trailer. That's where they go for weekend trips. The trailer has a living room with leather couches and he has an air mattress, but his mom likes the company of him in the bed so she is not alone in the bedroom.
He doesn't have to give her a shower, he has to shower her with attention. So if he's gone to see her four days in a row, and he cant on the fifth and sixth day, she sometimes will give him the cold shoulder, so his way of dealing with that is usually going there for the next five days in a row and taking her to breakfast and lunch etc until she is no longer upset.
At this stage, do not be surprised if he makes token gestures to keep you, steps up kind gestures towards you-an extra dinner out-so he can tell you how inadequate you are.
Or, sadly, if he abruptly replaces you! A therapist might say: "Dance away, make yourself less available" and he will likely come after you, therefore, confusing you.
If you see a therapist, it would be recommended to see a woman. But for you, I think a male could be very helpful and on your side, knowing right away the motivations of your neighbor, and you might believe a male therapist more than you have believed your girlfriends. ?????
DO not beat yourself up for having had this relationship, look at all the good that has come out of it, you making plans, having goals...that is awesome. It does not make you indebted to this man. That you have offered all kinds of caring aid that has been rejected then you are made wrong and can not meet mom because you are not understanding or supportive, yikes, he is trying to emotionally manipulate you. I know you think he loves you and maybe he does but, are you really willing to settle for his love. You have told us all the hurtful things he has done, this is not a love to strive for. Maybe he does all the wonderful things, which by the way, don't sound like much to me, to keep you as his play thing. Cuz, lover that's how he treats you, he gets all of his needs met with very little effort on his part. You are a toy he takes out and plays with until his mommy hollers then you are tossed aside waiting for her to release him, so you can do it all over again and again and...
I know that it is hard to find a real man, to many dutiful little boys. That's what he is, a dutiful little boy, not a man. You are still young and have so much life ahead of you, please do not waste your time trying to please this person, he has already shown you that you can not do it. My friends get mad when I say, I don't listen, I watch because what you do is the reality of you, we can all say anything but, can we do it, do our actions show others are words are true? That for me is where the rubber meets the road. When I was around your age I had a BF that was so sorry, loved me so much, never gonna do it again, until next time. I have a jewel box full of bruises and black eyes that at the time proved what a great guy I had. I would not listen to anyone, they didn't understand him, he was so conflicted and on and on. Thankfully I came to my senses before he killed me. Not saying he hits you but through my recovery I learned abuse is abuse and is unacceptable, PERIOD. You say he is Indian, whether American Indian or India Indian both are cultures where it is accepted that the woman is chattel (property) can you live with not being a human being in his eyes for the rest of your life? He is showing how it is with him, like it or lump it are what his actions say. Is this the future you want? Speaking from experience, part-time love is not love at all.
You are a smart lady and will find happiness in your life once you get out of his circus.
So glad to have you here😙
Whether he gives his Mother a shower or not, I am going to guess you did not miss the point of Veronica's post to you.
Oh how ironic that this seems to have led you to outgrow him!
It really is up to you, you know. You could try the "what would you say to a good friend if she was in this situation" approach, see if that highlights the rubs for you. You could mind map it, see what minimum has to change for you to be comfortable waiting for the next natural step. Or you can move on, no hard feelings.
Do stick around, anyway. B/f's mother may be a bit of a bunion on the foot of progress but compared to some of the lovelies on here..! AC is the best place I know of to get perspective (and hugs). Hugs :)
Are you positive they are jealous because he is the favorite child?
A. NO
If you take away the dementia excuse (mild-an evil genius),
none of the relationship is normally healthy, but it is common.
A famous mistress, now the Queen's daughter-in-law. Took years, many years, to get what she wanted. It is not normal, but it is common.
Not saying that is you, or even that you are a mistress.
This is a conversation the two of you need to have. I also was in a relationship with a man who made everything about him. Anything that wasn't working (as far as he was concerned) was my fault. Anything I was not happy with was because of my failures as a woman, a wife, a human being. Anything I wanted different was because I didn't understand. I was too unintelligent. Too demanding. Too not willing to work to change my dismal self.
If you get even a hint that this kind of blame game will be part of your "relationship," leave now. You will be doing yourself a kindness. You deserve to have your needs met too. Meeting his needs, while dismissing yours as unimportant, will only hurt you. He is getting what he needs. You are not nearly as important to him as you deserve to be.
I left that relationship (it was a divorce) and have since married a wonderful man who is very close to his family. They are enormously important to him... but he never makes me feel anything but that I, and us, come first. When his father developed dementia, the old guy lived with us for a while. So I can say that dealing with a beloved parent with dementia does NOT mean a man will, or must, treat a woman/wife as less important. My husband shows me complete love and devotion.
I did wonder, when dating (he was in his late 40s and never married), if the very close family thing was going to be a problem --my family is nowhere near as close-- but it was him who made me feel like the most desired and necessary woman on Earth. He made the effort. So did I. But don't be the only one making the effort.
Hugs!
I'm sorry I will be blunt and rude, but it is sometimes necessary to jolt someone out of a trance.
You say he's a gentleman and you want to hang on to him because of that. Is he the only gentleman who would date you? Are there no other gentlemen who would? Can you not find another good man to date? Are you desperate to hang on to him so that you can have someone?
In a healthy relationship, the partners put each other FIRST. But in your case, your status is chopped liver. One last question. Why do you want to settle for that?
Don't sell yourself short and protect you dignity.
Clearly, your gut told you early on that this was a bad situation. He argued you into thinking that you were being selfish.
Where do those "I am a selfish human being, not worthy of someone loving me and me alone come from?" However did your parents treat you? As thought you weren't worthy? Someone installed "I am not worthy" buttons. Figure out how they got there and tear them off. Proceed to live a full life.
Have you watched Moonstruck yet?
Let’s say what he tells you is all true. It reminds me of when my daughter was a teenager and she would start seeing some guy that she was initially attracted to, but after some time he would start messing up, disappointing her, being unavailable, etc. When I would give my advice, she would tell me, “But Mom, he is so sweet, or kind or (fill in the blank for why she should stay with him). I would tell her that all those things were probably true. He’s funny and kind and helpful, etc., but he’s just not boyfriend material. On his own, at this time, he’s a great guy, but he’s not ready to be a boyfriend. It doesn’t sound as if your guy is boyfriend or husband material yet either, and at 52, it doesn’t look as if he will ever be. We can get blinded by the worthy qualities we see in another person, but that doesn’t mean they’d be a good boyfriend or husband. You will have to decide if the crumbs you are being given are enough or you deserve better.