Hi everyone, this is going to be a pretty long post so, for those of you who make it to the end, I would like to thank you in advance.
I have been in a relationship for the past two years to a wonderful man, however, I think he might be too close to his mother and it has been negatively impacting our relationship from the start.
His mother has always been dependent on his father, in fact, although she went to school, she has never worked a day in her life, opting instead to be a stay at home mom. She once told my boyfriend that she never got a driver's license so that his father would have to come home and take her to the places she needed to get to.
His father passed away a few years ago, and so now his mother is alone. She is showing early signs of dementia, but for the most part, she is still very independent. She goes out every morning to socialize with her friends, she is able to manage the house with little help and is still capable of taking care of herself in terms of bathing etc.
Before I continue, I just want to say that I acknowledge that caregiving is a very trying thing, and I do realize that she has dementia and needs more help than the average parent. The caregiving is not the issue, their closeness is.
My boyfriend lives about 10 minutes away from his mother, and he and I live in the same condo building. He works fulltime but manages to visit his mom at least four times or more a week and they speak at least three times a day on the phone. Although we live just a couple of floors from each other, we have now settled into a once a week thing mostly because I don't want to pressure him for more time when I know he hardly gets time for himself. If he goes more than a couple days without seeing his mother, she gives him the cold shoulder and only stops after he has showered her with time and attention to make it up to her.
His brother and sister both live relatively close by, but they are not as close to their mom which I am now beginning to suspect is because of how close she is to my boyfriend. It is no secret that he is her favourite so I think there may be some resentment there. In addition, his brother and sister are both married with children - my boyfriend, at 52 has never been married, so I guess naturally it is easily assumable that he would have the most time to give. He has tried to take steps to free up more of his time, but he is always met with resistance. If he mentions having a caregiver come a few times a week, she becomes ornery. Last month he decided to try to have gourmet meals delivered to her place because she wasn't eating enough, and for the whole week, for every meal, he was bombarded with complaints so he has gone back to delivering dinner for her personally. She tells him she feels bad and she wants him to live his life, but any effort he tries to make that will help him to take care of her and still have a life is shot down but he doesn't seem to notice what is happening. I am not at all implying that his mother is an evil genius, but I do think as much as she says she feels bad, she enjoys having him there with her all the time.
I have never met his mother but the first thing she had to say when she learned of me is that I am with my boyfriend for his money. That was the first dig. We got into an argument early on in our relationship and he told her all about it do for months after, even though things were really good with us, she would remind him of the argument we had. I once poured my heart out to him in a letter which he promptly shared with his mother. It made me sick. I spent a month planning an evening for him for his birthday last year, and told him about it a month in advance because I didn't want his mom to get in the way and guess what? He took his mother on vacation with flights leaving on the very day of my plans for him. Our first summer together we decided to go away for a weekend and when he told his mom, she told him to refrain from having sex with me, and when we got back to the city she actually called to make sure he had listened to her. He lied to her to keep the peace but how and why would a mother of a 50-year-old son, feel comfortable enough to control her son's sex life?
When he needs advice, he asks his mom first before asking me, when I compliment him on a shirt, for example, it is not uncommon for his reply to be "thanks, mom likes this one too," when we go out to eat, every waitress asks for his mom because they have only ever seen him there with her, and even when I order dishes sometimes he'll say "you'll enjoy that, my mom likes it a lot."
I feel like there have always been three people in my relationship, and I have always felt like the mistress. I understand his mom's care comes before my wants, but when it doesn't have anything to do with her dementia care, am I being selfish as he's lead me to believe, am I wrong for being mad?
Much more has happened that I can't fit but I'm asking, is this normal for dementia care?
Thank you. I really do appreciate your concern. I'll stick around, talking to you all about this has been really helpful and therapeutic. I haven't spoken to anyone in my life about this situation lately because I'm embarrassed. It feels good to talk openly like this.
Just curious, how long were you in the relationship that was similar to mine? Did you go to therapy after the relationship was over?
I am concerned for you.
Enjoy your life.
Stay with us here and let us know your successes!
I do realize that counselling is needed at this point. And yes, my complaints make me feel like the worst human being on the planet. I feel so guilty for wanting more time especially when he says I'm not being supportive or understanding. What decent human being neglects to be more understanding of their partner having a sick mom? It's a constant internal battle for me. Truthfully, I also feel awful that when she throws a tantrum for not getting enough of his attention, that my initial thought is usually "seriously woman? you've seen him four times this week! call your other kids for once." The thing is, she's lonely and I feel sorry for her. When she does forget things she gets scared and I feel horrible about that. I can't imagine what knowing your world one day and forgetting it the next must be like and I can't imagine would it is like for a child to witness their parent(s) go through that. He says I'm naive and that when I'll have to take care of my parents I'll understand the choices he has made. There's a part of me that always thinks maybe he's right. It might be one of those things that you don't understand until you have to go through it and everyone handles it differently.
I don't think they were always this close. It happened after his father died and now it's just routine.
His birthday was a huge blow... I was sooooo hurt but he said it will be one of the last times she would be able to travel and their birthdays are just a day apart so I tried to be understanding. She also monopolizes the holidays too though and that can be hard. We aren't able to make Christmas or new years plans ever because they now have "traditions", so I see him after he has spent the day with her during the holidays.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm settling so it keeps me around. A friend of mine mentioned that this relationship made me lose sight of my worth. I was angry with her. but that seems to be the theme so it is something I really need to reflect on.
I really have no idea where she got the using him for his money thing from. We don't go on lavish vacations or go shopping, etc. She gets that from him. I'm not sitting at home waiting for an allowance every month or anything like that, and although I don't make as much as he does, I give him what I can when I can in the form of dinners, gifts, and little things to let him know he was thought of. I'd be lying if I said he has not helped me at all, but it's definitely not what she makes it out to be, and I think helping each other sometimes is normal in a relationship. I lived with my ex-boyfriend for eight years, and during that time what was mine was his and vice versa. We didn't keep tabs or IOU's, but with my boyfriend, because of what his mom has said, I don't even feel comfortable venting to him about anything that has to do with money.
I think I'm holding on to how he was when we first met. He was a true gentleman, literally swept me off my feet. He was attentive and would call and want to see me as much as he could. Things changed after our first argument when his mom would remind him about it for months after it happened. I can tell he loves me, and I see his confliction but I think it's easier for him to disappoint me than it is for him to disappoint his mom. I admire his determination and drive. Our relationship has had a very positive impact on me... I'm setting goals and making plans that I probably would have never even thought possible two years ago and as I reach my goals I want him, the person who inspired me, there with me. I know this might sound odd given my rant but the relationship really is so good at times.
You know, I'm not sure having to take care of her hygiene-wise would be an issue for my boyfriend. He is in the healthcare profession. Plus, when they would go away for the weekend, he wouldn't sleep on the couch, they would share a bed. I think their close relationship would trump the awkwardness of hygiene care.
You are correct. He has assured her she can say what she wants, clearly, as she seems very comfortable doing just that.
The being number one is the biggest question I have... is it even right for me to want to be given his mother's situation? As a good partner to a caregiver, should I be more understanding that being number 1 is not possible right now?
He wanted to me to meet his mother initially but that changed, now he says he doesn't think I should because I'm not understanding enough. I even started reading everything I could about to dementia to try to understand. I offered to do arts and crafts with her because I read that art therapy can be beneficial, my offer was declined. When she wasn't eating enough, I offered to make a batch of meals for the week, that was declined. I bought her adult colouring cards and 100 markers so she would have something to do, and I don't think she's ever touched them. I've tried to help but he doesn't allow it, and then he says I'm not supportive.
I don't think meeting his mom is an option. I believe she does not want to meet me. I am younger than he is, I'm 32. His age is one of the things that attracted me to him, I figured at 52, he would be ready to settle down, we both have decided that kids aren't for us (which is the reason my other relationships didn't work), and we have similar ways of viewing the world. On paper, we work so well. In reality, it only works 50% of the time. He is my best friend, but his mom is his and it's hurtful.
Red flags everywhere!
The possibility of a boyfriend or marriage relationship with this man never existed, even prior to his mother having dementia.
You say: "- my boyfriend, at 52 has never been married, "
You say he treats you well. No he doesn't, getting on a plane with his Mom when you thought his birthday would be spent with you? He doesn't introduce you to his mother?
I agree with Cwillie, you may be being gaslighted.
Your complaints have hurt you, made you act and feel like someone you don't want to be, I am guessing.
Look around for a real relationship. But do this after you have been to therapy. Find out not what was wrong with him, you already know that. Find out how your self-esteem became so low as to accept what was not available to you right next door.
As for being in a relationship for the money, seems your neighbor has been bought and paid for by his mother. Keep him as a neighbor.
He wanted me to meet her when we first started dating but it never happened. Now he says he doesn't want me to meet her because he feels I don't like her or that I am not really concerned with her health problems. I have never spoken badly about his mom, all of the blows came from her side - the things she has said. I am concerned about her health and I see how hard it is for my boyfriend but I do also think at times, that she knows how to get her way with him.
you're not being mean at all. I appreciate your honesty. Plus, you haven't said anything I have not been thinking for two years.
I accepted the second in line position, I have no idea why. When it does get to feel like too much though and I try to talk to him about it he tells me "it's not a competition," I think he feels putting me first, even sometimes, is a betrayal to his mother. I am made to feel like asking to be first is selfish of me because of her condition.
We can be so good sometimes but I do find myself getting jealous of their relationship and the things they do quite often. I mean, he and I go on dates, but he does that with his mom too. I've never been on vacation with him though, and we don't get weekend getaways in the summer nearly as often as they do, and I want more than anything for him to let me in and let me be his source of comfort etc. But I think you are all right, it's what my friends have been saying for over a year now but I just didn't want to hear it, this is most likely not the relationship for me.
I sure know how to pick 'em.
I have been trying to make the thoughtful things he does for me like bringing home my favourite treat, outweigh what I have been missing in our relationship. I don't think he is a bad guy, I just think he is stuck but because of his position, our relationship has also been stuck. I hate that it has to be this way.
Don't even get me started on the President lol! ugh. I am so bothered with what has been happening in the US. I think I'll stick around, having people to talk to is a really good feeling.
what's in this relationship for you?
I'm sorry for your boyfriend. My goodness he really is terribly enmeshed, isn't he? But... untangling him without damaging either him or his mother (and let's not start ill-wishing a little old lady who is how she is) would take years of concentrated and painstaking effort, and that returns me to the question above - what's in it for you?
I'm wondering if he would finally let you meet his mother once she starts really declining, because then he might see you as a co-caregiver. As emotionally enmeshed as he is with his mother, he and she might not feel comfortable with him helping her with intimate personal hygiene. That might be where you will be expected to participate.
RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! You deserve SO MUCH better than what he is offering you.
As for his mother, she too is very selfish if she expects her son to give up the possibility of having a loving relationship because of her. She has no filter & thinks she can say anything she wants, and you know what? Your BF has assured that she can. If he can’t see that his mother is hurtful towards you and hasn’t set boundaries on her yet, he never will. She’s been treated like the Queen Bee for so many years, she won’t change. He has acquiesced to her for so long, he won’t change.
You have to step up and be your own advocate for change and leave this guy. He doesn’t know how to love a partner.
You can only control you. You shouldn’t be afraid to speak to him about your needs and feelings.
I say let him go, you will never be #1.
I wonder why he hasn’t introduced his mother to you in 2 years? Is it a cultural issue?
You deserve better. Good luck!
Your boyfriend is still connected to mommy's apron strings.
She's got a vice grip on his manhood.
She has mentally manipulated him and he is her victim.
He acts out of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).
You will always be second in line. If you don't mind that, then keep on with the relationship. But I think you want more than that. Your desires are normal, his are not. He is not a normal man. He is unable to live his life without mommy's interference.
She hates you because you are competition.
This relationship will never mature or go any further than it is now.
IMO, you are wasting your time. He'll be hooked to mommy forever, maybe even from the grave. It's not right for him to discuss your personal relationship information with her. He has a distorted view of what her position is.
The sooner you leave this sick relationship, the better. There is a reason there is no one else in his life. Mommy objects. She will beat him down and, sooner or later, he'll get rid of you.
You'll get over him and move on to find someone who can commit to you and be a couple. You'll never get that with the current BF.
Im sorry.
Go find someone who is available to be in a healthy relationship and find out just how amazing you really are.
Thank you for your kind words, we always need input from living caring people maybe you could stick around. Most of us live pretty narrow lives right now, so you might be able to help with real world issues, like who the president is🤓🤓🤡🤡
Have you ever tried to lovè someone like him before who just couldn't really love you back like you loved them?
you're right. There's a part of me that doesn't want to give up on him but I'm exhausted and I know he is too with hearing my complaints. It's heartbreaking. We decided to take some time to figure things out but the truth is I have been relieved this past week. I love him, and I miss him, but this whole situation has taken a toll on us both.
There is no real intimacy in the relationship with a victim of emotional incest and they are blind to it.
I gather that at this point you feel sorry for him and that is understandable, but you can not rescue him if he doesn't want to be.
I guess I don't always feel like I count as a real relationship. I know he cares, but that partner bond doesn't feel as strong as it should after two years. He says it's because I am not understanding or supportive which is why I felt the need to reach out to others who are caregivers. Having never dealt with something like this I just wanted to find out if he is right, or if what I'm feeling is justified.
He is all alone because that is what he has chosen.
I agree with sue888: Run, don't walk.
you could be right. They are Indian and from what I have learned from my other Indian friends, moms usually have a strong hold on their sons. I guess it's worse with my boyfriend since he is not married and doesn't have kids. His older brother was able to escape it.
I've seen a bit of that in my sig other. Back when he was married and both he and his wife would leave to go to work, she would catch the bus for work, and he would drive to his parent's house where his Mom would make him breakfast, and pack him a lunch.
At first he was excited about me meeting his mother, but that quickly faded after her comments. Now he says he doesn't want me to meet her because he feels I don't like her but I think she just doesn't want to meet me.
My boyfriend is sometimes her date to her social engagements and as much as she likes having him with her, she gets really jealous when her friends take up too much of her time in conversation. I don't think she would fare well with having to share her time with him, with me.