Just a poem...

Somethingelsa Your poem tugs at my heart strings.Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Try to remember when he was whole and loved you unconditionally. Listen to Kenny Rogers sing Through the years. I will say a prayer for you. I lost my husband in November.

That is so beautiful it hurts. I sometimes fear that that is my future too, as my husband's memory is nothing like what it was.

So sad.
So beautiful.
Such a poignant expression of your love and your grief.
Big hug to you both.

Somethingelsa: As a writer, I appreciate how special that your words are. Even so, your name is poetical. Ergo, the journey that you are on with your DH is challenging, but I am glad that you're able to take in the little things. God bless you, Elsa.

You have written something special, Elsa.
Even if I don't know you I felt what you are feeling; for a moment I even heard the water of the falls, I saw you on the tiny boat and my heart reached out to it to keep it steady ..

It's such a powerful, honest, raw poem. It has a quality of purity that I seldom find in poems.

May God bless your soul. Please keep writing, please keep sharing.
You have truly touched me.

Thank you. We have been married 57 years and while I have seen this coming for about 10 years in little baby steps, the process is now escalating into leaps, despite his complete denial. Great love indeed.

Being a former resident of Niagara Falls I very much understand your feeling. If you ever had the occasion of standing next to the falls, you would really appreciate the magnitude of the power of the falls as it relates to your feelings. Good luck.

So expressive of your love and your grief. Beautifully stated (((((((hugs))))).

I can relate to your situation, Somethingelsa. About halfway through the 10 years or so of dementia and then Alzheimer's, my husband we talked about our life. Out of the blue he said he hadn't seen his wife in a long time. I started to cry and told him I was his wife, he was sad that he made me cry, but told me I was not his wife and he wanted to see her. I started chuckling, and took him by the hand, to our wedding picture, framed with other duo studio pictures of us through the years. In the wedding picture, I asked him who were the people . He said the man was him, but the woman was not me. I pointed to a more recent picture of me, again he said it was he, but not me. My heart did flip flops, but I tried not to cry. Some time later, he started asking me where we lived. Then he said he wanted to go "down there", which he explained, and I figured out it was to a home we owned in southern Arizona. I asked why did he want to go there, we hadn't lived there in over 40 years. He said he hadn't seen his wife in a long time and wanted to see her and their son (our son was now over 50 yrs old). Asked me if I would drive him there, over 190 miles away. I told him I couldn't drive that far and tried to interest him in something else. Then every day, around 3 PM, he would ask me if I would do him a favor, I asked "what". Again, can you drive me to see my wife and son. I would make some excuse. By this time I did not cry anymore, I was hardened in my heart, but I saw no reason to cry any longer. I shared this with the caregiver support and the coordinator told me I was doing the right thing. During this time I would try to get him to talk to me about the family, our new and only grandchildren (he was 78 ), but he kept going back to wanting to see his wife. When I asked him what was I, taking care of him, in all the pictures around the house, sharing a bedroom. His answer was that I was his friend. He insisted I take him to the "turnpike" so he could go see his wife. I reminded him he couldn't drive; he said he hitchhiked in the Army and he could do it again, no problem. So, in the end, while wasn't looking( toilet/showering), he would slip out of the house, and I would immediately look outside, find him walking to the Interstate. I would walk up towards, but he still walked faster. About a quarter of way ( 1+ miles) he would stop, get his bearings, and turn around and walk back home. He said he was tired and would go tomorrow. And sure enough, the whole scenario would happen again. Well, I do have to use the bathroom a lot, but I could not lock the doors, as we were in an apartment now and we had just moved in, so no way to put permanent lock on. A security alarm was on the door, and that was my clue he was gone.
One Sunday a week or so later, he wanted to walk to the Interstate (turnpike), and I said I would go with him, but first I had to go to the bathroom, (water pill still active). While I was in the bathroom then changing shoes, he walked out. By the time I got out the door, frantic I didn't see him on the usual route, and my legs with 2 replaced knees, and ankles that lock up, sciatic back, I couldn't run. I didn't see him walking to the Interstate. Where was he? I turned around to go back home and call 911, when I saw him in the opposite direction, by this time, pretty far from home. He had crossed 6 lanes of a two way boulevard on a Sunday afternoon when there was barely any traffic. I was sick as hell, knowing he could have done this same thing on any daily afternoon with heavy trafffic. I was going to try to run and call out to him, but, then remembered, he will tire and turn around. And sure enough, about 3 minutes later, he stopped. I stood where I was, and waited. He said he would go tomorrow, today he was tired and wanted a nap.
Next day 1:30 am; door alarm went off. Same thing. Going to see wife.TIME TO CALL NURSING HOME. He never did remember me, even w/our pictures in new "home".

Hello dear Elsa. Like you, I am losing my husband to AD bit by bit. He still knows me most of the time but also tells me he's ready to go home almost daily. I especially love the last two lines of your poem. For 30 years, we've been the best of friends and weathered every storm together. How strange and cruel it seems to have your best friend by your side and still feel so alone. I've never written poetry but I do keep a journal. For some reason, the act of documenting your feelings is therapeutic. Thank you for sharing with us.

Oh, Somethingelsa. This is such a poignant, painful and also painfully beautiful expression of both the love you have for your husband and overwhelming sadness of what you have both lost to this dreadful disease. Thank you so much for baring both your soul, and sadness, with our community. Holding you, your husband and entire family in prayers for comfort and peace as you grieve these losses together.

Beautifully said - HUGS

Beautiful and pure right from your soul! Keep writing because it may be a life saver for you through this roller coaster of emotions. Bless you.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my poem . I have been documenting this journey ( my feelings) through poetry for a few years now but this time I just felt the need to share for some reason. I always wrote funny poems for family birthdays but now find my little rhymes help me get thru these hard times .
Full disclosure tho , the introduction in the email to my post was a bit inaccurate ( I did not know they took the liberty to take bits and pieces out , almost a tease)
perhaps I didn’t explain it well myself ? My DH does recognize me still.He just doesn’t seem to recognize the home we’ve lived in
for 42 years . He feels we are visiting and I believe he thinks his childhood home is still home . Still thinks we have 2 dogs , one passed last year . Knows our children and knows and loves our grandchildren who visit constantly but will ask when grandchildren leave why they are so very good to him and how did they get to be in our family . I’m sure you all know the heartache this disease brings but it also brings joy at times when you are lucky enough to see all the love ( blood , sweat and tears too ) you put into your family come back at you from 2 generations.
Anyway again thanks for appreciating my effort at expressing my feelings . I read and need you all at this time and you do come through for me always .
Since I’m being so so good at social distancing I’m sending big strong VIRTUAL hugs to all .

What a heartfelt poem! Sometimes writing our feelings down is a good form of therapy and it helps us in some way let out what we hold inside. Stay strong and just be there for him. It’s all you can do. I’m sure seeing your face keeps that connection.

Tears are running down my face. My husband has alzheimer's. One day I asked him not to forget me, and he said he wouldn't, but I know he will. It breaks my heart. Cherish that moment.

You have such a wonderful gift for expressing your deepest feelings. And remarkably, your words express the feelings of some of us whom you've never even met—even those who have sadness about their loved ones for completely different reasons.
I am saving your poem so that I can re-read it often. And I will thank you every time I do!

What a beautiful expression of your love and pain. You have a gift. Perhaps writing Poems and short stories of your 54 year love affair with your husband would be healing. Thank you so much for sharing. 💕🙏
PS - I agree, a glass (or two) of wine and some chocolate can also be healing 🍷😊

Beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing.

Somethingelsa,

Your words paint a vivid image of your experience - and that's what makes for good poetry. The last line hit hard for me as a caregiver for my husband.

Thank you so much for sharing. And keep writing; you have a talent for expressing your thoughts.

With gratitude,
Robin

Thank you so much for sharing. I know how difficult it is to share this experience. I too, feel I will need your poem in a few years as my spouse moves down this path. God Bless You and keep you safe.

It's a beautiful and heartbreaking poem. Thank you for sharing. Prayers for your strength. ❤❤

That is an awesome Poem! You really should publish it, for others who feel the same as you....you have a gift. :)

How beautiful a love is deep you have by the words you wrote explained perfectly.

Thank you for sharing that moment you had with your DH and the poem with all of us. AD is so unpredictable and, hopefully, that moment of recognition will be a resource of peace you can reflect on when you need.

Thanks. Hugs help !

HUGS Elsa 🧸️💔🧸️

Thank you . The hug means so much. I think even when we know what’s coming it’s easier to live in LaLaland. Today I couldn’t and the sadness was overwhelming for awhile so somehow I had to get it out.
On a lighter note 2 glasses of wine and a chocolate bar worked wonders as well .

That is beautiful somethingelsa.

Great big warm hug 🤗🤗