Just need support from some friendly voices...
Hubby had a major heart attack on Sunday. Has not felt well for MONTHS, but wouldn't address this with his doc--just said he was overwhelmed by work and super stressed out by life. He's a liver transplant patient, 12 years out. Beat HepC, a stroke, 84 weeks of chemotherapy, a motorcycle wreck that nearly killed him and several falls while rock climbing. So--a car with 9 lives. Race to the ER where they dx the heart attack and turf him to a hospital with a cath lab--he has 3 stents placed in the "widow maker" arteries...and this doc basically saved his life. Hospital for 2-1/2 days, they let him come home today, and he is being a royal butthead. I know his "sick man" routine and its awful, just awful. He is now back on the diabetic diet he should have stayed on post transplant--he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times. I just put my foot down. He did not hear much of what the Drs said to him, so his "education" on how to care for himself is pretty much what I have been reading and doing. I can cook the diabetic diet, I have been pretty much for years. I can't control his eating, his sugar cravings, the lack of exercise or really, much of anything. I told him I will stock the cabinets and fridge with good food choices and he needs to learn how to count carbs (doesn't believe in them) and he HAS to get out of bed and start living. Probably his severe fatigue has been due to the failing heart. I'm not putting up with his poor pitiful me routine---my gosh--I've heard from 20 neighbors and friends so far who are praying for him and asking what they can do to help.... he is SO blessed and SO loved. My kids are great--but only 2 of them live close. They can only be supportive and loving--this man is smart and witty and brilliant--but he is also depressed, angry and panicky. Has to find a "reason" or "person" to blamed for everything goes south. He actually told the dr he was 70 lbs overweight b/c I am "too good" of a cook. Dr. didn't buy into that. I don't need recipes for better menus--I can do that in my sleep. I just need to vent as I have run the gamut of emotions the last 3 days from terror to relief to anger. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. And it is going to get MUCH worse before it's better. Just some kind supportive words, please. If you feel I'm a witch, which I am , keep it to yourself. This too shall pass---wow, life with this man has been eventful and scary.
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And the news about your H...wow...what great news that he's doing so much better with the antidepressant!
The surgery went well, as far as I can tell. I'm still on bed rest with my foot elevated and icing it a lot.
Pain has been controlled and not too much anxiety--so I hope tomorrow finds mt foot able to bear weight and I can get some kind of shoe on,
Hubby left at 3 on Friday, got home last night qt 10 and left again this am to an emergency call in LA. I don't know when he'll be back.
Didn't really want the kids in too much. I'm OK on my own and actually probably do better alone.
DH has been great---he was upset he had to take off immediately, b/c I cannot do laundry and I'm needing it done. Other stuff too--he was going to do some chores around here, but they probably will end up being done by "dudes".
The best news...and I hold my breath over this. The anti depressant seems to be making a HUGE difference. He is so much calmer and level headed, I could cry--I wanted him off the other AD years ago--and I mean like 12 years.This change of personality has been so amazing.....I don't want to get ahead of myself and get too excited.
Thanks for all the kind words. This forum has been such a lifesaver. I needed to vent and there is not a soul I know who I could "dump" this on. We all need a safe place to "whine"..as it were.
Fingers crossed for a good recovery and a complete "fix" of this sore foot. When your feet hurt--ugh, life is miserable all around!!
I want to thank each and every one of you who wrote or just sent good vibes.
DH is doing a Slooooooooooooooow recovery. 4 steps forward, 3 back. I have given up on a "quick" or even "normal" length rehab.
He is back to work and even travels some. When he is home, he is in bed. That is never going to change. The energy and anger it takes to get him to stand up and move is not worth the crabby man who gets up.
He no longer gets ANY meals in bed. So he's had a LOT of cold meals. His problem,
The antidepressants seems to be helping, hard to tell, He still complains constantly about how bad he feels.
My DIL called a couple weeks ago and told me she felt terrible that she had actually spent 2 days with him, looking at his swollen ankles, seeing his gray colored skin and hearing him complain about how bad he felt---and she could have dxed the impending heart attacks in 2 minutes and forced him to get to a hospital. I assured her I held no bad feelings about her not doing anything, it is his own fault he is so ornery, nobody really listens to him. That call helped me feel a little less "angry" with her, as she does not do "doctor" when she's on vacay. Not at all. He's her FIL and I doubt she really gives him two seconds of thought in a week.
He's back to FT work, super stressed about his job, which is the norm. Has been going to cardiac rehab when he's in town but simply refuses to do anything at home. I guess he is choosing to have a slow heal and feel tired forever.
He has been nicer to me, which I'll take. Forgot our anniversary, actually took my daughter's kids to dinner on our anniversary b/c he had forgotten it, but that's OK, it wasn't a year I want to remember or "mark". I'm still on guard all the time for the snarky put downs, and they still come, at times. Anyone asks how I am doing and he reminds them that this didn't happen to ME, so, well, it is what it is.
I am heading in for some minor foot surgery tomorrow and he is stuck out of town. Don't know if he'll make it home to take me....again, that's normal. I am having anxiety through the roof, I hate IV's, being laid up, being in pain....but I broke a toe pretty badly and it needs to be repaired (broke it 4 months ago, just didn't have time to deal with it). He's got to leave town at 3:30 tomorrow,so I am praying for an early surgery time. It will be fine, once it's over and my daughters are coming by to check on me, which prefer to him being home and sleeping 24/7 while I try to wake him up to get things for me.
He's slowly coming off the meds, one HBP med is gone, hopefully a beta blocker and a blood thinner will be next. He's still terribly fatigued all the time and can't sit up for very long.....but mostly I ignore that. He saves his dramatic actions for me benefit.
Had lunch with a friend the other day and she asked me if my anxiety and fear ever go away after something like this--and I had to admit that so far, it has not abated much. This is something that time will either heal or it won't.
Neither of our families have been very helpful nor supportive and that has been hurtful to both of us. But, well, what can you do?
Again--thanks for all the support. I was spinning out of control, emotionally and was worried I'd wind up in the hospital.
Wish me luck on the foot surgery and that a slightly healthier man shows up this afternoon from his trip. It HAS been nice to have him back to some traveling. I need MY alone time.
BTW, he's lost over 50 lbs. And dang it, I have GAINED 10. How unfair :)
Your "drivel" makes for an interesting diversion--and my heart aches for you. Yes, I have bee going through it, for sure, but DH has not been "well" or "engaged" in our lives for 12+ years and so this is just another hiccup in the path. I have pretty much given up that he will wake up and figure out why he's still here and what he's going to do.
So hard to live with someone who is really depressed and angry all the time.
And your MIL is pretty reminiscent of mine, albeit, ramped up a few notches. Mine doesn't even speak to me, or acknowledge my presence anymore. I'd take my situation with her over yours any day.
And, wow, girl, did you show how tough you've gotten--this past weekend left me speechless.
FWIW .............. I happen to applaud your approach. We are all only given one life to live, and we can .. any of us .. choose how to do so. He obviously wants to wallow in self pity .. and woe with me. His choice. I'm sure you are more aware than you ever thought you'd have to be. That can .. and will ........... pull you right down with him... if you let it.
Kudos to you for not letting it, and I know how tough it must be, to go on and live your life .. and let him just falter or not.
My prayers to you ..
No matter your decision...follow your heart and instincts, keep the boundaries and hang in there.
We (and I mean WE) went to the cardiac doc yesterday for a follow up. MOST of the questions were directed at ME, even tho DH asked me not to talk. The doc talk to ME b/c he knew he'd get the truth.
DH did make it in to work each day, barely. And as per my sad prognostication, he hasn't gotten out of bed today, and doesn't plan to and doesn't plan to tomorrow either.
He swore up down and sidewise to the dr he'd been active. But drs aren't stupid and knew by looking at this very pale man he hasn't seen the sun in weeks.
Gave him "the all clear" to go back to "normal life" no restrictions, and in fariness, sleeping all weekend IS normal. We had planned to walk along the river bottoms this am before it got too hot and he wouldn't get up, so I took off on my own and spent most of the day running errands and just NOT being home. Got home at 3:30, asked if he'd eaten and he said "I ate a few blueberries". My gosh. I asked him how leftover meatloaf sounded and he said "That'd be great!" to which I replied. It's in the fridge. Enjoy." He has NO RIGHT to expect me to cook and fuss 24/7, but boy, he lefts me know when I "fail".
He's off 3 of the meds he's been on, but most of the ones that make him a little fatigued are still on board. I KNOW it's hard to get up, but he's not even trying. I did not say anything to the doc about the w/e and the sleeping, thought we'd see how the w/e went before I ratted him out. He has promised me he will walk between 1-2 miles tonight, and I have to leave in a minute and I already know he won't do it. If he refuses to get up tomorrow too, I will be calling the dr on Monday.
Yes, he's depressed. Yes, he's anxious. He's not unusual in ANY of the side effects he's still having. The dr did tell him he SHOULD have died and that there was really no reason "why" he didn't die from the 1st attack. Said "You have something to do in this life, buddy, find out what it is."
I have be adamant that I will NOT STAY in a marriage that is all me working to make it work. If he won't get up and get moving and be compliant in ALL the areas---I am walking. My kids all know this, some are unhappy with me, but they haven't lived for 42 years with this. AND this isn't about them.
If I hear him say "But I am so very, very sick and weak" one more time from him I may hit him with something. Doc checked him out, said he was FINE and to get back to living, not back to bed.
I did tell the doc he complains almost constantly about the fatigue and wants to sleep all day and he looked at DH and said "I know you feel tired now, but you HAVE to get up and get moving. Every single day, no excuses". I don't know why that was so hard to understand.
His choice.
Hopefully he can dump her except for med adjustments and we can find a therapist to work with him.
NOT going to the PCP appt tomorrow, but am going to the cardiac drs and pre-arranging with him that he wants me there. DH won't allow it, but if the Dr tells him he wants me in the exam, he'll be ok with it.
We hit our out of pocket so everything is now covered 100%. Sigh of relief. I don't even have the hospital bills yet and the amount covered is over $170K.
Yowza.
IF--a BIG IF he makes it in to work everyday for a few hours, that would be enormous. WIhtout question he will sleep all weekend, but he's doe that for 12 years. I ask and expect absolutely zero from him around the house. He never has been mr fixit, and I am not starting that now.
Just hoping and praying--all day, everyday.
(And it's about time that psychobabbler (psychiatrist) woke up and realized he needs meds for the depression and panic attacks, yes???)
Hubby did indeed go to work yesterday. HE went in pretty late, took a nap in his car after lunch and came home early...BUT HE WENT!
Saw his psych doc last night. She didn't do much but offer some options, but DOES realize he HAS to be on something for the depression. Something like 20-25% of heart attack patients who have depression post HA are more likely to die within the first 2 years after the incidents. (Kind fo what I have been saying, he doesn't get up, his heart , instead of healing, is atrophying and is weaker than before. Scared the dickens out of him. She is going to talk to his Cardiac doc and discuss meds. But he WILL be on something. She assured him his panic attacks are real and prescribed for those. He sees his GP tomorrow and his Cardiac doc on Fri.
Maybe, just maybe hearing all the same info from SO MANY people has touched him. I'll never know, he doesn't do feelings, so I do not know how he feels.
Went to work again today--quite late--but his boss feels like his very stressful job has made him sick (it didn't) but he's cutting him a lot of slack. He did admit he felt better after having things to do all day, instead of sleeping.
It is so wonderful to NOT have him home. I literally cried yesterday when I realized he'd gone to work.
He knows I am still on the fence about staying in the marriage and right now it's really up to him.
Well, gotta go mow the lawn---it will hit 100 again today and I don't enjoy the heat!
I will post from time to time. I expect nothing enormous will happen--just a very slow recovery. Everyday he doesn't have another heart attack is a good day.
This is just my opinion. I think in marriages that have managed to survive a considerable number of years - as has yours - sometimes divorce just doesn’t make much sense.
But on the other hand - when one is being abused, whether emotionally or physically with no end in sight it doesn’t make any sense to stay in the relationship.
So im wondering - where do you see this going? What realistic expectations do you have in order to stay or in order to go?
The way I see it - while no one can know for sure how many years of healthy living they have ahead of them - but for whatever time you have left on this earth, which is likely a good amount in terms of years... well, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND VALUED!!!
Dh would deny it, but he IS very slowly getting better. Still in bed 18+ hours a day, but sitting up more and not eating every meal in bed.
He got to quit one of the more powerful beta blockers today, which means he should notice a lessening of he breathlessness he feels.
Actually flew to Denver airport from here and had his meeting and flew home. Fr night we had his division's company party and his boss made a point of telling me he didn't KNOW Dh had gone to Denver and felt AWFUL. It was not that big a deal and boss was very upset and kept apologizing to ME, but I told him that it was DH's idea for 6 weeks and was trying to prove a point. He enjoyed the get together (6 engineers and their spouses--hardly and exciting evening, but he STAYED AWAKE.
Told EVERYONE there he'd see them on Monday and there's no way in He77 he's going back to work tomorrow. He literally takes 3 hours to simply get out of bed and showered.
Still complaining non stop about everything under the sun, mostly foods he cannot have anymore, If I hear him weep over the fact he can;t have a chocolate milkshake or a cherry pie again, I am going to smack him upside the head. Every ache, pain, twinge, anything is duly reported to me.
I have a super busy week and need to be gone a lot. He needs to minimally clean up after himself if he will not work (and BTW, since he was so lax about getting ST disability paperwork done, we will miss 5 weeks pay---grrrr---just die to him malingering and procrastinating.)
HE DOES see his Psych doc tomorrow and I told him if he didn;t come home wit a scrip for SOMETHING for the depression, I;d be calling that dr, Aso he ses his cardiologist in Thurs, and altho he doesn't WANT me there, I am going.
I see another looooooong week ahead--and it;s been hanging in the upper 90's for 3 weeks, so there is no relief at all.
On the bright side, he has left the house several times and now ALWAYS LEAVES A NOTE!!!!! So I guess in order to facilitate change, I have to be a screaming harridan.
Have you talked any of your kids who are MDs about his current state?
I'm so sorry you are facing this sad and indeed tragic turn of events.
You might consider seeing a family law attorney, one recommended by YOUR attorney, the one who told DH how much money you were saving him.
You do realize, don't you, that he would be ordered by the court to pay for your health insurance? And that you would get alimony?
Consider this carefully and don't make any moves until you've sought qualified legal advice.
Anyway enough about me. Though I don't always comment I do follow your posts and will miss you. What did your doctor say? Please keep us posted on how you are doing. If you need or want to vent we are here. Take care and try to get some rest. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
If you don't contribute anymore (and I understand your reasons), I will miss your wisdom and common-sense answers.
Hubby is 19 days post 2nd H/A. He is worse than before. Tired all the time, complaining, refuses to do ANYTHING that requires effort..and when he does, he OVERDOES and the spends the entire next day in bed. Won't get up to eat, so meals sit, uneaten on the kitchen table.
He SAYS he has called his psych doc and has an apt for AUG 30th. That, to me for someone who is voicing suicidal thoughts is WAAAAY too far out. He of course, wouldn't tell her he is having nightly panic attacks and shortness of breath. Because men don't, y'know, have feelings. She will not take my calls.
Our little family from VA just went home. I got to spend 2 days with them. They were staying with another family (sister's) and so we almost never saw them. B/C the kids wanted to let dad rest, they stayed away. My heart aches for that. DH has no clue how much this hurt me.
I had a couple of chats with him about what life is going to be like, going forward, if in fact he wants me around, going forward. He vacillates between being snarky and rude and crying on my shoulder. Neither one is "helping".
He's now on short term disability which will probably just roll into LT disability and he'll retire early. I'll have no heath insurance, we won't be able to move to the smaller, yet more retirement friendly home we'd planned on--all the last 3 years of his work life were going to be putting these things into place.
I now, at the age of 62, have to go back to work FT to get healthcare, and I will also have to take care of him and our home (he works and I do the rest).
I'm so stressed and still so angry with him. He sleeps most of every day and when he finally does "get up" it's long past office hours for all these docs he's supposed to be seeing. I think he has given up, completely.
Last Sat we had a small family party and my BIL jokingly asked me "so, how's your summer been? What you been up to?" I pointed at DH and said "THAT'S all I have been doing." Dh pipes up "Don't feel sorry for her, she didn't even make me breakfast this am". I said "Because I was WHERE?" Nothing. "I was at "L's" house at 7 am setting up for her YARD SALE. Sorry you had to make your own breakfast." I threw a huge chocolate chip cookie and him and went in the house.
I keep thinking "This week will be better. This amazing miracle will happen and he will "get it". And it doesn't, and it's not going to. He says he going to fly to Denver tomorrow for work--literally fly in, have a meeting in the airport and fly right back out. HOW???? He cannot hold his head up for 20 minutes???
I'm going to stop posting unless a miracle occurs. I am so stressed out (and sadly, kind of drugged out, too--just called MY psych doc for help and I don't know what he'll do--maybe throw me in the hospital for a week.....I'm on almost twice the tranquilizer dose I usually need to take to stay "calm". I wake up in a cold sweat and hating the day ahead. This is no way to live.
Oh--and as far as cardiac rehab in a facility--I lost the option for that when I agreed to sign him out of the hospital to my care. Stupid me. Next time, I'll know better.
As for losing a post, I've had that happen a few times on the old site but not on the new site (yet).
Why did anyone this this was going to be better? I ready to quit AC--I don't have time or energy for this nonsense!
Depakote has helped mom a lot, she was a constant worrier, anxiety etc.
best of luck, I understand.
Mine has had several H/A also. He continues to have smaller ones, plus silent ones; his heart is slowly giving out. He is on hospice care. He also has a feeding tube due to throat cancer surgery in 2009. Non-invasive tumor that was choking him to death, but removal also took much of his swallowing capacity, hence the permanent feeding tube. Because his heart is failing, he is weak and incapable of doing very much, also quite dizzy at times. He is combative, miserable, angry and blaming everyone for everything, especially me. This morning he was a flaming A (sorry for the expletive! not my usual thing) about his A/C unit in his bedroom - it wasn't cooling. It was on the lowest possible setting, but of course, it wasn't him, you know! Like you, I am pretty burned out, and angry myself, like you, over his behavior. Same behavior, though, that I saw in my mom in her last year and a half; angry and taking it out on everyone else, and he is so much like her, that I should not be surprised, lolol. So I feel for you and can sympathize for sure!
I find that many other women are in my shoes. I don't know why it seems so many men are such dreadful, ungrateful patients. My dad has Parkinson's disease, no walk in the park, for sure, but he rarely complained and was always up for a chat and a visit. Seeing my hubby lying in bed 24/7 is too reminiscent of seeing my sweet dad just lying there, day after day, unable to get up, and here is my malingering hubby who lays in bed waiting for me to get up to make him breakfast. Crazy.
He had a couple of good days. Then spent the next 2 in bed, all day. Right about the time I am shutting down the house for the night, say, 8 pm , he will often suddenly get up and go for a drive. Everyday, all day, nonstop complaints about how tired he is, how very sick he is, how everything hurts, how life is not worth living.....I am sick and tired of this. (If you read my backstory you'd know this is deathbed #5 and I have nursed him back to health every time.) He is not grateful.
I have kids visiting from another state. We won't see them again this year and I am really, really trying to enjoy their visit AND take care of him.
I just emailed my sis--after the kids have returned home, I asked her if she and I could spend a day or two at her cabin. I need to get AWAY from home w/o hubby and get my head on straight. She is graciously going to let me use the cabin, maybe she'll come with me.
I'm just past being burned out. I have no feelings for this man, other than a lot of anger. That's not healthy or helpful at ALL.
He's only 12 days past his 2nd heart attack, 4 weeks past the first one. I am really disappointed in the lack of progress. I think the drs paint a much rosier picture of recovery. If he chooses to get well, I know it will be months, not weeks before he can go back to work.
I guess the worst thing is in my heart I don't think he's ever going to be OK again. Drs. say he's absolutely fine.....but I don't see it.
No worries. I was a little tender yesterday. My DD and her family are here from VA for 10 days and they opted to not stay here, b/c of daddy's illness, and while I know this was the best decision---I still feel bad. Barely seen the kids and they have 3 month old, who will be almost a year by the time I see him again. I do NOT want them to hang out here and "hover" just b/c Papa is not doing great. I paid for their airline tickets (holy cow, $3K....and let them use the spare car and do so much so their vacay is great---and I am kind of stuck here. I've been with them as much as possible, but they have other friends and family they want to be with. Part of me is still really angry with DH and his sluggish rehab. He DID take my friends' words to heart--and since he heard part of that from me and part from her---it never occurred to me he'd even listen.
It indeed does take a village. That's why it helped to have my son's family here.
See how today goes. We have 2 separate "activities" planned for him to be out walking today. I hope to get him well enough that cardiac rehab next week will not exhaust him.
Biggest fear is that he just segues this "R&R" into permanent retirement, leaving me to find healthcare coverage of my own....which if he retired now, would kibosh our plans to move to a more sr friendly house, save more money and just be "ready" for retirement.
Also trying very hard to care for myself and not let this all make me crazy with anxiety.
New day....new hope.