Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
1 2 3
God bless you and your son. It is so hard to be there at the end. I took care of my dad 24 hours a day and he used to wake me up every night at 230am to get him coffee and a cookie. The night he died, I had taken care of him, had family around, I just went in to lie down for a few minutes even though I knew he didn't have long. Ten minutes after I laid down, my sister came in and said Dad's gone. It was 230am. He would not leave while all of us were around him. But he made sure to wake me up again at 230 to do something he needed. I miss him so. I now take care of my mom who is now pretty much bedridden. You were lucky you and your son could take care of your mom. She didn't want you to see her pass but know she was/is watching over you. She probably had a party to go to just like my dad kept talking about for three weeks. He couldn't wait for the party.
(3)
Report

I am sorry for your loss. I have not yet experienced it with my parents but have with in-laws and a aunt I was very close too. My father-in-law's passing was very slow, we'd been there as much as possible for days and spent the all of the day before with him. Athough he couldn't talk he was trying,late that night he fell asleep and we left. The next morning my mother-in-law called me and said she'd prefer to go over later in the day rather than as early as we'd planned. I said okay and I'd be out in the yard if she needed me. I had just stepped outside when the phone rang again. He'd passed that morning. For a while we felt guilty for not going first thing that morning but the more we thought about it the more I think he wanted to spare my mother-in-law being there. With my aunt, Dad and I had been called that things didn't look good. My brother drove my Dad 2 1/2 hours up to see her. I was closer. She was asleep the whole time we were there. Family came and went. Her son invited us over for a bite to eat and we told her we'd be back before we left town. After eating my Dad,brother and I returned. We told we'd be back soon and loved her. My brother and Dad said she opened her eyes when I bent over to kiss her good-bye. We left and 30 minutes later we got a call she'd passed. Yes, we felt bad that we hadn't stayed a little longer. But in he end I think she did it her way to spare us. She waited for her little brother to come back from eating,to see him one last time and then she passed.
(3)
Report

My mother has terminal cancer and is in home hospice care now. And, interestingly, she was a pioneering hospice volunteer herself many years ago.
As part of her training in one of the country's first residential hospices, Mama met Elisabeth Kubler Ross. So I trust this information I am sharing, which she shared with me a few years ago.

My mama was with many who made their transition and worked with families like those of us writing here. She told me something that may help you --and anyone who might feel regret or guilt not being present at the time of the passing.

Mama said they were trained to sometimes suggest that the family members leave the dying person alone, sometimes just for a few minutes, "go get a coffee, take a short break."

... to allow our dear one to leave their tired, well-used body. Some of our loved ones seem to not want to leave us alone either-- so they cling to life because we are there. And when we leave them some space, at the right time, they leave their bodies.

So don't feel guilty. Consider that your mother needed to be alone to make this transition. Perhaps your giving her that space let her release. Consider, tell yourself perhaps, that this temporary absence from her body was part of the process she needed.

This morning my Mama cried that she felt "guilty for leaving us." She is 80, and I am her 60 year-old child. I assured her that she has done a wonderful job with her family and friends and that she had no reason to feel any regrets at not finishing this work.

Our loved ones want us to feel LOVE when we think of them...not regrets, not guilt. Let's do that for them...and for our own sweet hearts.
(6)
Report

Wow, your comments and stories are very touching and comforting. I'm so sorry for everyone who has had someone passed, but I am glad that they all went peacefully in the end, I do miss her everyday and speak with her as if she was here. Sometimes I even repeat myself louder as she was hard of hearing. Yes, it's funny, but it makes me feel better. The more and more I read these stories, the more I now know she wanted to leave by herself. If we were there like some of you said and my dear oldest sister, she would have hang on for us and she didn't need to suffer anymore. Thank you again for your comments, your thoughtfulness, your compassion and understanding. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. This is so much better than paying for therapy. :-)
(7)
Report

Dear Friend,
My first husband of 42 years was hospitalized for five weeks ending in his death in 1990. I was able to stay with him in his room thanks to the great staff who provided me with a cot bed so I could be close to him.
He was very, very sick but he did not complain at all. Each time that he had an enzyme test and the results were better, I would convince myself that he was getting better.
After the five week stay his doctor told me that I could take him home and that he might survive several weeks or die abruptly.
I contacted all my children to come and see him which they did. Then I arranged for home health to visit our home for him and got a hospital bed so he could rest downstairs in our home.
He had not eaten anything solid for the whole five weeks and had been given an IV containing nourishment. That morning they brought his full tray of food as always, though before that day he did not eat anything. This day, it was blueberry pancakes, a favorite of his when he was well. He ate them and said how good they were and I said that I would make some when we got home.
Just then a young woman came to the room and asked me to go with her for some information. My husband said, "Don't be long Ma." I replied that I would be right back and take him home. I can't for the life of me remember what it was the lady asked me. It was in a room close by and just as I sat down, my eldest daughter who was on duty in the O.R., one floor below, had come up and looked in on her father and saw that he was gone.
I rushed back to the room and kept loudly calling his name, thinking I could revive him.
That was 23 years ago and to this day, I have remorse over the fact that I was not there to hold his hand after being at his side constantly for the five previous weeks.
We mortals cannot sometimes figure out why such things play out in such a fashion, though I have to content myself with realizing that I had done all I could for him though not having that last moment to comfort him
Three years after his death, I met a lovely man who had lost his wife around the same time that I was widowed and our friendship led to love and marriage and we are now quite old but also grateful for each other's love and companionship, yet on some days I go back to that last moment at the hospital and feel the regret for missing that last breath and last words of comfort.
It sounds as if I am writing about a marriage of nothing but sunshine and roses over the forty two years we spent together. Believe me, there were a lot of bumps along the way and more than one mountain to climb, but our last twenty years pretty much made up for the first twenty two rocky years.
When I was a young mother of eight children, an elderly neighbor lady said to me, "No matter what kind of a marriage one has had, you miss them when they are gone," she speaking from experience after losing her husband of many, many years.
As present or former care givers, we must give up any regrets for the way we cared for a dear one, if we did so with a loving heart.
I hope this message will give someone out there courage and peace of mind.
God bless one and all.
(7)
Report

So sorry for your loss. I am a nurse and thru the years have seen many take their last breath. Many, many times it is ONLY when the family and loved ones are gone. It seems then they can "let go". So do not beat yourself up because you feel you shouldn't have left. There is a plan for all of us, and we do not run the final show. Bless you and hugs. May you find peace soon.
(1)
Report

emmurr, touching story. I remember feeling the same way with every little hope and every little smile. When she had strength I felt she would get better. I'm glad that you found love again. I myself haven't been able to let anyone in my life, first because I took care of my son and then took care of my Mother. I never really had time.
I remember Mom asking me to ask God to let her go and I told her I wouldn't do that that I would ask God to make her better or to stop her suffering, I didn't actually meant to take her. But He does work in mysterious ways. As each day goes by I miss her more and more. Some days I feel at peace, others I am not sure how I feel. I do have to say Thanks to everyone who's commenting and writing regarding my departing of her room while she took her last breath, because it has made me realize that she wanted this way. She/we had already said our goodbyes and everything we had say to one another, and she had seen everyone she wanted so this makes me feel at peace. Thank you, thank you all.
(0)
Report

I had a very sad last visit with my mom. She and her second husband moved far away from me after I let them both stay with me. He, and old man of 60's, put his hands on my legs to touch me further. I pulled away. My mother who was in the house did not see this, but I immediately told her that he could not stay there. She said nothing but said they were moving to her home town. She was at that time being treated with radiation for cancer. At that time he quit his job to go on Medicare, she was then cut off from his medical care insurance at his job and I found out that the hospital in her hometown would not treat her because her husband no longer had insurance. The day I last saw her dying in the hospital - she just looked at me with a blank look - no emotion, didn't even hold my hand or kiss me. Her last remark to me was "you better go before you miss your train."
I was totally numb and just walked out, knowing I would never see her again - nor until her funeral. She abandoned me and my father and married this second husband. She never loved me or care for me and we never bonded in life. All I remember was how sad her life was. Any comments?
(1)
Report

Redhead, I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact you didn't have the opportunity to bond with your Mother. All I can possibly say to make you feel better is that the fact that she had a blank look and no emotion had nothing to do with you but because she was ready to go. Everyone here and everything that I've read tells me that when someone is ready to go, they send us away to spare us the pain of seeing them take their last breath. I think the fact that your Mom wanted you to go so you could not miss your train was a sign that she was ready to go and seeing you was probably the last wish she had. I believe seeing you gave her peace and knowing that she wanted to see you means that she did love you even if she made mistakes. Remember the good times with her and remember that the last person she was (you) was probably the person that meant the most to her. A hug for you from me, I understand your loss. We only have one Mother and no matter who she was, she gave us birth.
(3)
Report

Hispagirl as I read this my heart just stops. I have had a bad week and on total exhaustion as my father is doing bad now. I thought of all you said and I do not know if I can handle it. I am already distraught with the thoughts of him leaving and so is he. Oh Lord you give me strength when I thought I had none left. Your Mom knows you were there honey and God Bless you for taking care of her. I was thinking of you and all the other caretakers lately and I have not had time to come in the site as everyday is something new. I hold my Fathers hands and tell him all the time how much I love him and how brave he is. He is sad because he said he does not want to leave us. Oh that broke my heart so much I cried myself to sleep what little sleep I am getting now. Hugs to you!
(3)
Report

Hisa I read all the comments and what made me come in this site tonight I feel there was a reason and to read what others have said here. I am scared. Sad. Emotional. All in one. I fear I will not be able to handle it seeing my father as I told the priest who came to our home to give him a healing blessing the other day that I am so totally worn out that I do not know if I could handle it. I don't know what to do. My son who is like a son to him and him a father - I see the fear on his face too. The Priest told me that sometimes they do not want the family around and that is what I have read in most of these comments. I pray for a peaceful and happy departure for my father but even as I type this I am full of anxiety inside and my heart is hurting so much. I have not had much sleep and have found myself crying alot. I have taken care of my father for two years now and with no respite and it has had its moments but I would not change these days now for anything. It has been the hardest thing to watch your parent decline and a long process. I told him that Dad when you can not stand and fight any longer I will stand for you and fight for you. The hardest thing for me is he told me just the other day in tears that he did not want to leave my son or us. He wants to live. Lord this is hard to write for me. There is nothing I can do and he has been through so much. Some days he said he is tired and wants to go but that one time he told me with tears in his eyes he did not want to leave us. With all the chemo and all the surgeries I have to say I am a proud Veterans Daughter and Caretaker and I pray the Lord to give me the strength when the time comes along with the rest of my family. I know this might sound selfish also as we all want him around and being his daughter for 56 years has meant so much to me. He is my best friend and the best father a daughter could ever have. Lord help me deal with this as I feel like I have already been grieving for the past two years watching and tending to him. This is not easy folks. Hardest thing I have ever had to watch and do. I know I have been told someday I will be thankful for what I have done for my father but trust me you all there seems to be things I don't think I am doing right or wish I could do better with and this is one of them - Saying Goodbye. Oh boy I am so choked up now and thanks for all the comments and Hispagirl I think your Mother is waiting on the other side for my Daddy too. Knowing he does not have long has me stressed to the max and each morning I open the door and see the sun on his beautiful face and see him breathing I thank God for another day. Tears and Hugs to all you beautiful people here. xoxo
(2)
Report

hipsairl I want to Thank You for opening your Heart. I feel something in my heart when my Mom is in some sort of distress. I truly think your instincts and bond with your Mother is what told you to get up and wake your son for a reason, you taught your son that caring for another persons life is what is most important. I think your Mom was holding on because she wanted to stay with you and your son, but she also knew that she had to go to the next journey, and she felt heartache in your presence because she didn't want to leave you. Telling you to go was probably her way of telling you to move on with your life.... I'll be OK , Please don't worry anymore, about my life, I'll be fine. She communicated with your soul when she knew she was leaving and your Son was with you to comfort you, I see that as a blessing from her and her last request in life as we know it. You should not feel guilty at all. I am get the feeling that she struggled with letting go, for your sake. She felt the warmth of your heart and soul at the time of her passing, when you woke your son, you answered her last prayer.

In hopes you'll chuckle....
I'll end this by sharing with you a quote directly from my Mother to Me...
"Go home worry about your own problems!!!!"

My translation of this quote ..."I know you love me, now it's time to take care of yourself, when will you listen to me and stop bugging ME, haven't I taught you anything?...someday YOU WILL understand and appreciate THESE words!"

God Bless
(2)
Report

My heart goes out to you, Crystal 1224. You are doing what needs to be done for your father and what will give your heart peace after he is gone. Try to give him the positive, although it doesn't seem like there is any right now, I'm sure. You can tell yourself and him how blessed you are that you wake up and have another day together. He is coherent and he knows who you are, and he appreciates your efforts and loves you dearly. Each day together is a blessing. If you and he can try to concentrate on the here and now and not what will happen in the future, it might make it more bearable. Maybe bring him a little treat? Flowers one time, his favorite food or dessert another? My mom loved that. Even if she only took one little bite, it gave her pleasure to have pizza, shrimp, soda, etc. Just a little surprise every day, not swamping them with stuff. Even a funny story. Anything that takes your minds off the inevitable and gives you quality time together now. Hang in there. This is a great sounding board for you. Keep using it. I sent you a hug.
(2)
Report

Crystal 1224 - I felt so sad reading your comment but when the time does come I hope you get the strength (as I did) to sort everything out. I reported earlier what happened when my Dad passed away. The worst thing is knowing that it is going to happen but not knowing when. You've been a loving daughter and always been there for your Dad but for the last 2 years it sounds like you have 'worn yourself out'. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless
(1)
Report

Thank you so much Sue and all who have commented. I am in a state of total sadness and I hope the Lord holds me up and the rest of this family when it is time. I can not sleep, eat or concentrate on anything anymore. Seems like I am moving in autopilot and total exhaustion now. I am at loss for words anymore.
(2)
Report

You did just great. You really did. I said goodbye to my mom almost 3 months ago. I too wonder why I didn't "know" that it was the end....none of the nurses "told" me - which I really believe is that our mothers were with us and knew we were with them, but chose their time to go when it was Their time, and when it would be less burdonsome for us to witness their leavetaking. My mother was already on the other side when her body finally gave out - she was already being greeted by loved ones - as I think was your mother. So your mother was not missing you at the time of her leavetaking. She left with the strength of your love helping her to go, and the strength of her love was leaving before you had to witness that leavetaking. All is well. Know that your mother left at the right time. And know that your were with her when she totally needed you. Blessings to you.
(1)
Report

I am here tonight for some reason to reach out to all of you, My father gave me a scare today and I have been spending more time in the room with him and he has been sharing with me so much. Today he reached his arms up and said this - Jesus I am ready come and get me and thank you for everything. Lord my heart about fell out. He cried and talked so much about my son and how he wanted to see him grow up and how he wanted to live to see his birthday and longer. Oh if I could only tell you all the pain in my chest and heart now. I am scared but all knowing that Lord if you take him Home take him in your Peace while he is asleep so I do not have to see him suffer. I am beside myself and telling myself I can handle this but really I am not handling it too good. I had to make those phone calls about arrangements and all because I do not want to deal with all of that when the time comes I want to sit in that room and look out the window and listen to Dad tell me everything he has been telling me. It helps that I have written down so many things he has said so I can compile them for strength to speak when the time comes. I have never been through this before and I will do whatever it takes to hold up the best I can. Please send your prayers to us here in Florida - my father's name is Chester. I thank you so much. A Veteran's Daughter and Caretaker forever and ever.
(6)
Report

Crystal - when you posted the other day my heart went out to you and your Dad. It really touched my inner being as it is the same situation that I went through with my lovely Dad 6 months ago. Please be assured that I am praying for you and your Dad Chester. God Bless.
(2)
Report

I'll be praying for you and your dad....you are a wonderful daughter...you gave him beautiful a gift by caring for him. I know your heart aches...I pray you feel comforted by your faith. You're dad understands what's happening...and as hard as it is he is ready to be received. What a wonderful feeling he is going to be in the arms of Jesus soon. I pray for peace for you both. (( hugs ))
(4)
Report

Not sure if this helps anyone and wondering if it helps me....

I know that I had my Mom for so much longer than many others had their parents around. So, now that she is gone, I say I am lucky. Lucky she lived as long as she did. Lucky that I was able to spend so much time with her.

Then when I'm sad or stumped, confused about what to do and how to live my remaining life, I think about what she would tell me. I think about how she lived her life and I try to be healthy and happy... because that is what she taught me ... even tho it's very hard sometimes.
(5)
Report

Thank you so much all the love and hugs. I am still keeping vigil watch. Yesterday morning I got a scare and my heart was beating so fast as I kneeled over the bed and prayed. My Mother tells me not to fear and so does Dad but it is hard not too. I have to take deep breaths as I am scared and sad, emotional and all kinds of feelings of anxiety in my chest really bad. I have to pray more and walk around the garden this morning. Blessings of love I send to you all. Keep those prayers coming I so (we) so appreciate that. xox
(4)
Report

I forgot to say this. Sunday Dad was talking about so many things in his life and I took the tape recorder out and asked him if it was okay and I taped his talking. He talked about Love...I tried to listen to it later on that evening and closed it up and put it in safe keeping. Our talks this last few days have been talks I will never ever forget.
(6)
Report

Crystal1224, I just went threw this a month ago on the 7th of Jan with my mom. No , I din't want her to go but I knew in my heart that was the best for her. to be at peace, to be free, no more pain, no more medications or feeling bad because someone had to bath her, feed her, do everyting for her. She didn't like it but didn't want to go either. One night I slept curled up around her feet at tne foot of the bed because she was so afraid and she kept peeking to see if I was still there.She asked me if I would go with her when she went . I told her that when the Lord wanted her to go not to hold back because it is a beautiful world where she was going. I have been there and wxplained what I had seen, but I had to come back because it wasn't my time. She seemed to accept that at the time. But the day before she went I was standing at the foot of her bed while the nurse was giving her a bath and mom knew me. She mouthed the words"I LOVE YOU". That is the last words that she actually told me. The next morning she was in pain when we would reposition her. At 6:30 I knew time was short so we called the hospice nurse and she was here by 6:45. I was with mom to the end it was very quiet and still and I had a window open so her spirit could go free. That is what she said she wanted to go home and be free. God Bless You and You will survive. It will be hard for a while as we all know. You don't want to feel guilty but I understand becasue I'm going threw that now, and everyone says that I did all I could and more.
(2)
Report

I feel for you- went thru the same thing with my mother's older sister, for whom I was the primary caregiver (she had no children).... very very difficult, those last hours. And now 12 years later, I'm dealing with Mom, same thing... she's 91 and still fine physically, but the dementia is so hard to manage... and I know how it's going to progress and ultimately end, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. I hope my two son's never have to go thru this with me....
(2)
Report

Your story really hit home with me. My Mom passed away a week ago yesterday early in the morning as I was driving the 30 miles that I drove daily for a month, overseeing her hospital-to-rehab-to-hospital-to-hospice care. About a week before Mom died, my sister and I came to visit and she grabbed our hands and said, "I am dying". When I asked her why she was saying that, she said that a hospital administrator and a nurse had come to her (we concluded in a dream) to tell her there was nothing else they could do. My sister and I were courageous enough, despite our tears and sobs, to tell her that if that was indeed the case, that it was ok to go, that we would all be allright. She slept a lot that day and then the next day she was really sad, as were we. The following day she was approved for hospice by her doctor and we spent the day getting people on the phone for her so she could say goodbye. It's amazing how, in moments like this, we can all rise above our long held grievances and just focus on the love we felt for each other. One of my other sisters who we haven't seen since before 9/11 even made herself available to talk to my Mom. I told my Mom that I would spend the rest of my life trying to be the wonderful person that she was. I asked her if she was scared and she said that she wasn't. We talked about "seeing" those who left us, especially her daughter and my sister, who died in a car accident at the age of 17. She smiled when she thought about the prospect of seeing her again. While we were not with my Mom at the moment of her passing, we were there for almost all of the moments of her final days, especially the ones that mattered...the "I love you's" and the goodbyes...although my Mom wouldn't say goodbye....she said "good night".

So don't for a moment feel bad about not being there when your Mom left, you were there for her when she was there.
(2)
Report

One more thought about people dylng just after we leave their side: I think my mom's spirit may have left her body while I was there, or maybe just after
I left the room . But it took another hour for the mechanical body systems to stop.
(0)
Report

Crystal, I hope your Dad is still with you. Like so many of you said, I had my Mother for 85 years and the last 5 with her were my best years. I was lucky, but I wanted her to stay around longer. I miss her. I have no one to talk to, complain to or just have fun with. I'm lonely and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I cannot seem to move on with my life. I fight hard to stay around because I have a son that's my life. He's away in college but we try to stay in touch as much as possible. If it weren't for him, who know I may just have followed Mom. Selfish I know, but you tell me how do you go on. I'm sorry Crystal I did not mean for this to go this way, I just wanted to tell you that you are doing the right thing. If you can not only write what he says, but buy yourself a video camera or a recorder so when you miss him in the future all you have to do is turn it on. I regret not being able to do this and I miss her voice so much. So please record him, hug him, say I love you to him every chance you get, say you thank him for giving you life. I will keep you and Chester, your Dad in my prayers. What part of florida do you live? I live in Hollywood.
(2)
Report

Hispa girl bare your heart girl it is okay. I too have a son like yourself that is taking this really hard and I know what you must be feeling. My Dad - I taped him the other day and these past few days we have spent the whole time together. I would not change it for the world right now even though it is hard on my heart I know nothing will cure my pain at the moment only the peace the good Lord gives us. I am in the Tampa Bay area. I so wish you lived close to so you could visit. We cry together it is good to cry it out. Just know like my father said it is not good to grieve too long..why he told me that I do not know but he told me that years ago when he was well. I will try to get on here tomorrow and write more and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. What a wonderful daughter you are. Love to you. xoxo
(1)
Report

Crystal1224; thank you for your words. Perhaps we shall visit someday, my son lives in the Tampa Bay area. Crying with someone without feeling bad about crying is a good thing. Sometimes when I speak to my friends, I feel like I should not cry and be strong so I don't get their pity or worse yet totally ignore my feelings. I find that sometimes when I start talking about Mom people either shy away from it, change the subject or simply tell me to move on that my Mom would like that and although I agree with that; I also think that I need support and I just don't get it from any of my friends. My oldest sister who lives in Chicago is always checking up on me and I envy her because her friends put a little get together to speak about my Mother and to support her. I didn't get that from any of my friends. I shouldn't say that I don't have good friends, just different that my sister and I think I would have liked to have had what she did.
(1)
Report

I understand so well. I have very good friends, too, but when I start talking about the emtional issues dealing with my sister, I get turned off. People don't want to listen and I have no one to vent to, except friends. So I do understand what you are saying totally. Hang in there and vent thru this site, and/or attend a care giving class in your area. They helped me a lot. You can only do your best. Let it go after that. Peace to you, my friend.
(1)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter