I feel like Countrymouse about this. I wouldn’t expect things to change.
I have found that people who have been loving and kind throughout their lives remain that way, even when things are tough for them.
People who have been miserable throughout their lives usually die in misery. There is no changing them.
Why hope they will be different towards the end of their lives? It’s a waste of time and energy.
There is so much power in allowing someone to be who they are. This doesn’t mean that we have to like who they are.
The older I get the less I focus on who others are and realize that it is more important for me to focus on who I wish to be.
Others actions or lack of actions don’t matter as much to me anymore. I don’t want to be overly concerned about someone else’s behavior if it robs me of my peace.
You will never get a moment of gratitude so put that right out of your mind. My mother too is like this. A negative, miserable narcissist who wallows in self-pity and loves nothing more than to be the bearer of bad news. I don't know if you're a fan of the Harry Potter movies but if you are, you will know right away what a dementor is. That's my mother. Protect yourself. My mother's misery and abusive neediness almost destroyed me. You're fortunate that she's in AL and not living with you. Start limiting your visits. Bring a second person with you when you do visit. It helps.
She's 90 years old and she lost her husband six months ago. She's living alone in a place where she knows nobody, without the companion you recognise she had become completely dependent on. And you say she always has been a cold and introverted person.
Tell me. If you walked in one day and she showered smiles and kisses on you and told you all about her gratitude prayers that morning, wouldn't you wonder what she'd taken?
Don't be miserable and sad. Accept the lady for who she is and adjust your expectations of her.
Be grateful that she is in an AL and not living with you. That she is fed, clean and well cared for. You visit when u feel like it. You keep your visits short and you realize that this type of person has no idea how to be happy. No one or nothing is going to make her happy. She has to do that.
Rm....well here's a great big fat THANK YOU shout out to your dear dad for getting mother set up in AL before he passed, FOR YOU, and now you're all set (for living arrangements at least). Things worked out exactly the same way for my folks, and I'm always very grateful to dad that he broke his hip in order to facilitate their move into AL. #Truth
Thanks to all of you. Its sad that many of us are in the same boat. It's good to not feel alone however. She really drags me down somedays.
My father passed in March. She lives in the ALF because my father talked her into it. He died 2 months after they moved in. He wanted her to be closer to family, they lived an hour from our home. She lives 10 minutes from me and my daughter and her great grandchildren.
I never knew how much she relied on my father for day-to-day living.
Yes she has always been a cold mother. Never an I love you, or praise of any kind. I didnt raise my kids that way. I tell them I love them all the time, my grands too! I guess I have to accept her as she is but it doesn't make me want to visit as much.
I really think a lack of gratitude and a lack of empathy are connected. I was driving my FIL to a dr appointment and we passed this elderly homeless-looking lady who was walking in this horribly strange way. Her spine was was so twisted she was bent at a 90 degree angle. I said I felt bad for her and it was very sad to see someone like that alone on the street, and my FIL replied that she was better off than he was! Keep in mind he has a wife that does literally everything for him, a loving, successful son whos live next door to him and take care of his every need on a daily basis. He can see, hear and walk, he gets home cooked meals made to his exact order, top of the line medical care, a brand-new luxury truck, a big, beautiful home in the country and despite having dementia he is fully aware of having 1.6 million dollars in his bank account, and I could not hear one shred of empathy for this street lady who couldn't even stand right. I asked him "Do you really think she is better off than you are?" and he replied "Yes, absolutely, at least she is out here getting exercise. All I do is go to doctors!!" That moment it really hit me how truly sick he really was. I don't know if it's just his dementia either, from what I understand, he has always been a selfish, angry person who can't be pleased, despite his wife and son going out of their way to give him everything he wants. And I just found out from the neurologist today that he probably has "depressive pseudodementia" more than any actual brain damage. But yes, the "Pity me I have nothing!" attitude can be disturbing. And sometimes even hilarious in a very dark way. I guess a sense of humor is my coping mechanism. I was shocked by his reaction at first, but now I just think it's ridiculously funny that this spoiled millionaire truly believes he's worse off than a disabled homeless lady.
She has not one ounce of gratitude in her soul for all the things and people who have cared for her, done for her, blessed her life.
She has always had a beautiful home. Always had food to eat. Always had a hardworking husband till she kicked him to the curb for whatever reasons, unbeknownst to any of us.
She still complains and talks about things that happened 71 years ago as if they happened yesterday. Nothing is forgotten. Nothing is forgiven.
Somehow, in her angry, hate filled life, she has made me the reason she (supposedly) has insomnia and has not slept in 47 years. She'll relate a story and you get to thinking 'when did THIS happen?' and you find out it was in 1965. Like it happened yesterday and she's still suffering.
I 'divorced' her 3 years ago. Best thing I've ever done. DH is unhappy about this, b/c he liked having me in the path of Hurricane Verla. Now he goes to visit and comes home miserable and sad.
She may have depression, but she would NEVER admit to it and she would NEVER do anything about it.
Some people are just wallowing in their own misery and that's the way they want it. I'll never figure her out.
I remember when we visited my mother once in her AL. My husband asked her to name ONE thing she was grateful for, at 94 years old. She'd never had cancer, major surgery, no robberies, no life threatening car accidents or injuries, had a 68 year marriage, a healthy daughter, 2 successful grandchildren and 1 fantastic great-grandson, not to mention she'd always lived in nice homes her whole life, had a fab wardrobe, fine cruises and vacations.... etc. She could not name ONE SINGLE THING SHE WAS GRATEFUL FOR. And we gave her 15 minutes to come up with one stinking thing.
Like my dh says, "some people love misery so much, they meet it half way."
I have found that people who have been loving and kind throughout their lives remain that way, even when things are tough for them.
People who have been miserable throughout their lives usually die in misery. There is no changing them.
Why hope they will be different towards the end of their lives? It’s a waste of time and energy.
There is so much power in allowing someone to be who they are. This doesn’t mean that we have to like who they are.
The older I get the less I focus on who others are and realize that it is more important for me to focus on who I wish to be.
Others actions or lack of actions don’t matter as much to me anymore. I don’t want to be overly concerned about someone else’s behavior if it robs me of my peace.
Advice: Limit interactions as much as possible.
Until they feel a need to change, they won't.
My mother too is like this. A negative, miserable narcissist who wallows in self-pity and loves nothing more than to be the bearer of bad news.
I don't know if you're a fan of the Harry Potter movies but if you are, you will know right away what a dementor is. That's my mother.
Protect yourself. My mother's misery and abusive neediness almost destroyed me.
You're fortunate that she's in AL and not living with you. Start limiting your visits. Bring a second person with you when you do visit. It helps.
Tell me. If you walked in one day and she showered smiles and kisses on you and told you all about her gratitude prayers that morning, wouldn't you wonder what she'd taken?
Don't be miserable and sad. Accept the lady for who she is and adjust your expectations of her.
My father passed in March. She lives in the ALF because my father talked her into it. He died 2 months after they moved in. He wanted her to be closer to family, they lived an hour from our home. She lives 10 minutes from me and my daughter and her great grandchildren.
I never knew how much she relied on my father for day-to-day living.
Yes she has always been a cold mother. Never an I love you, or praise of any kind. I didnt raise my kids that way. I tell them I love them all the time, my grands too! I guess I have to accept her as she is but it doesn't make me want to visit as much.
She has not one ounce of gratitude in her soul for all the things and people who have cared for her, done for her, blessed her life.
She has always had a beautiful home. Always had food to eat. Always had a hardworking husband till she kicked him to the curb for whatever reasons, unbeknownst to any of us.
She still complains and talks about things that happened 71 years ago as if they happened yesterday. Nothing is forgotten. Nothing is forgiven.
Somehow, in her angry, hate filled life, she has made me the reason she (supposedly) has insomnia and has not slept in 47 years. She'll relate a story and you get to thinking 'when did THIS happen?' and you find out it was in 1965. Like it happened yesterday and she's still suffering.
I 'divorced' her 3 years ago. Best thing I've ever done. DH is unhappy about this, b/c he liked having me in the path of Hurricane Verla. Now he goes to visit and comes home miserable and sad.
She may have depression, but she would NEVER admit to it and she would NEVER do anything about it.
Some people are just wallowing in their own misery and that's the way they want it. I'll never figure her out.
Like my dh says, "some people love misery so much, they meet it half way."
Has your mother always been this way? If so, I wouldn’t expect her to change at this point in time.
Do you suspect depression or that she isn’t feeling well?
Your profile says your mom is in Assisted Living.
Is she unhappy? Depressed?
Has she always been this way, or is this new behavior?
What medical issues does she have?
More information will get you better answers.