I mentioned this issue a while back on another discussion but thought I'd elaborate and see if anyone has any suggestions for me.
Mom is in assisted living now for about a month. She adjusted moderately well with a few bumps. Mom gets my identity mostly incorrect when I visit her although there a few times where she did get my name and relationship correct. Lately, I've become her husband (my dad, who passed on 7 years ago) although I've been her brother and both of her sons at various times.
The visit usually begins well, we chat, visit the birds, walk to the patio and sit. As time passes and I tell her it's time for me to go to work (I work the night shift) she gets angry and tells me I'm leaving to see other women! The pleasant visit usually ends with her being angry at me and me feeling like hell.. Now for the "skeletons"...my mom and dad had some marital issues back in the late 1960's. I can remember the arguments as a kid. I assume that she is returning to this time. I suppose I now resemble my dad. I wish she would recognize me as her son..maybe this won't happen. I visit everyday in the evening (perhaps sundowning) for 2 hours or so. Maybe I should visit earlier in the day or shorten the visit? Anyone had a similar situation and how did you work through it? I appreciate your responses and thank you in advance!
Your all in my prayers.
It's not unusual to be thought of as someone else. The other evening my wife asked me where her husband was . . . and we've been married for 59 years. It's very sad, but then dementia is sad. You have to remind yourself that you are not dealing with the same person you once knew. I keep my composure by keeping that fact in mind. It doesn't stop the occasional tear, but I recognize that I can't change the situation. And there are times when the real person surfaces for a brief period. Those moments and great memories help me remain compassionate and sympathetic most of the time.
Peace be with you.
Interestingly enough, she asked about her wedding album and I brought it to her. She and my father had a messy, messy break-up and bad relationship afterward. She had a tremendous amount of hurt and animosity toward him. Yet when looking at the photo album this time, her attitude was different. It was as if she forgot all of the heartache and torment she went through with him. I was amazed at her new found attitude. Perhaps your mom will forget those past hurts some day as well. This is the one bright side of dementia, the memories fade (both good and bad) but we can always remind our loved ones of the good memories. The bad ones can disappear and bring peace.
I wonder if "working evenings" was an issue in her marriage? Would it help to say, "I have to leave now to do some shopping." Just a thought ...
Perhaps the "skeleton" part of the situation will resolve itself when she enters a different period in her memory bank, maybe one prior to the martial conflicts.
Do your schedules work out such that you could conveniently have breakfast with her, after work? Is she typically better in the morning?
I have no experience with this, and my heart goes out to you. Please let us know what you try and how/if it works. We learn from each other.