As I've gotten older I developed some food sensitivities. I never ask for special food , I just eat what I can. Plus I watch my weight so I don't eat dessert unless it's a special occasion. I may just eat the peaches on the pie and leave the crust, as example. We went out for my husband's birthday with my mom and my sister and her husband. We went to Olive Garden and when they brought the salad the waitress asked if everyone wanted cheese. I said not me- let me get my salad and then you can add all the cheese they want ( dairy now does a number on me) . After the waitress left my mom said " I don't know how you can take her sometimes. " can you imagine a mom saying that about her own child in front of others . What a cow! I don't know why I let this bother me so much, I'm 58 and try not to play her games but this one came out of nowhere. Maybe she's still upset that I didn't have her gross jello glop at Easter. Shes 85 and healthy as can be. The women in her family live to be over 100. How will I endure this. She's always been like this but now she's finally showing it in public. My husband said it took all his strength to resist telling her how easy going I am and my dad told him on his death bed over and over how he never could please my mom no matter how hard he tried. " you just don't know what you're dealing with with her" about my mom. My poor dad. It's taken two years for me to deal with how controlling she was with my dad as he lay dying. Just as I'm finally getting over it she pulls this.
My husband and I have a very strong relationship and we just celebrated out 21st wedding anniversary. While no marriage is ever perfect, I will take mine just the way it is.
On the other hand, my father often confided in me his last year on earth. Little did my mother know, Dad was faking it and regretted not leaving her a decade earlier when he was healthy enough to do so. He tolerated Mom because she was his caregiver and he was dependent on her.
Sometimes, it takes all the effort I can muster not to blurt out the horrid truth to her every time she judges my marriage.
It does bother me when she talks about other people in public. That is the dementia talking. I'm concerned it will hurt someone's feelings or get us in trouble. She thinks nothing of saying someone is fat or talking about race things around people who could be offended. If anyone hears of me being beat up one day, you'll know what happened. Hate it when she does that!
Also, sometimes people regard dietary restrictions as so much nonsense and will make snippy comments.
In any event, make d @mn sure that no one, yourself included, expects you to put up with this long term...make visits short and sweet and arrange for others to do hands on care.
It's great that your husband is standing up for you. Please vent as much as you need to and take care of yourself.
You say that your mom has dementia, so, I wouldn't hold that against her. Even if she has always been short and critical, I would chalk it up to the illness and disregard. I know it's difficult, but sometimes this disease causes people to say all kinds of things.
In her earlier stage, my cousin would accuse me of leaving grease on her counter tops. I didn't. She thought I was not doing this or that correctly. I was. She was just plain mean and hateful. It did hurt my feelings until we figured it out. She did progress out of that stage though and now doesn't say much at all, but what she does say is pleasant.
Although, her physical health is good, it might not continue with the dementia. It's hard to say, but I might explore options for her care, if you are prone to being hurt by her words. That's not a good way to live. I wish you all the best.
My Mom also ruled the roost at their house, but I think she had to, otherwise Dad would be clueless about life in general. Mom always steered him into the right direction.