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My Mother moved over 3 hours away, over 20 years ago. I told her it was a bad idea, living so far away (Maine), but she did it anyway. She moved there with no friends or family. She barely gets any social security because she worked less than 10 years of her life. My Dad took care of her until they divorced. She got a large settlement and her rich friends also give her money. She constantly cries poverty. My husband and I give her money when we can but we don’t have high paying jobs and our house isn’t paid for. Fourteen or so years ago she asked if she could move in with my husband when she got to old to live alone. My mother ( she’s 82 now) has always been selfish, bossy, controlling and verbally abusive. I told her NO, none of us would be happy living in that situation. My husband and I work full time. I suffer from migraine vertigo too. My Sister let her stay with her (North Carolina) in the winter and my sister was so miserable that she gained 60 pounds and did not invite her back. My brother lived with her for 10 years and he was miserable and finally moved out. I told her to sell her house and move back to our home town where everyone lives but she wouldn’t do it, she didn’t want to leave her garden. Now she can not take care of herself. She gave her house to my niece and said she is moving back to our hometown to live with my niece and her family. But she doesn’t want to leave her house and doesn’t want to live with my niece now, even though she put my niece on her deed. She is being mean, hateful and saying things behind my back. She is telling people I won’t let her live with me. My husband and I are 60, not retired. I have told her many times, we can’t physically, emotionally or financially take care of her. I am so hurt and sad. I am sad for my mother but I can’t do this.

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You are right. Your thinking on this is perfect.
You are sad.
You are hurt for yourself and for your mom.
BUT
You can't do this and don't intend to.
Bravo! Kudos!
You have taken great lessons from watching people invest literally YEARS into your Mom with her "sadness" and complaining being completely unchanged; why would it change with your care? Quick answer : It wouldn't.
Will Mom be sad? I suspect that is her default setting, so I imagine she will. That's just fine. There are many things in life worth being sad about.
However, that doesn't change a thing. We still, sadness or no, have to continue to put one foot in front of the other.
At to what she tells "others"????? Quite honesty I cannot even begin to imagine who cares.
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Nothing wrong in feeling sorry for Mom but she is where she is because she wants it her way or not at all. Since she cannot support herself she really has no option but to sell her home (taking her niece off the deed) and use the proceeds to offset the cost of living in an apartment either in Maine or near you. When Mom and Dad divorced it was up to her to get a job. But people have disabled her by giving her money. Now in her 80s its really hard.

You need to harden yourself. She is where she is because of decisions she has made not because of bad circumstances but bad choices. Do not take her into your house and either should your niece. You will have a hard time getting her out. People need to stop helping her. I am sure there are resources she can take advantage of where she lives. Maybe there is someone who can help her sell her house and find her an affordable apt. I don't mean you. Someone who is impartial.

Look around where you live. See what is available apt wise. Look into resources. Office of Aging should be able to help you there. There should be senior bussing to take her to appts. Get an idea how much her house will sell for. Then lay it all out for her. This is what you can do if you move back here. This will bring you closer to family that may be able to help her. But staying in Maine, she can't expect much from you. You will need boundries, too, and you do not allow her to cross them. You make sure she is aware of those boundries. You may want to tell her the sooner the better because if she keeps on going the way she is, she will lose her home and thats the only asset she has.

You can't help people like your Mom. I had a friend that was disabled with little money. I would tell her where to find help. She would have some reason why that wouldn't work. When she finally did something about her living situation, which she loved, she passed 6 months later.

My mantra is...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.

Someone on the forum posted this...
A negative mind will never give you a positive life!
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"Giving" a house away and then expecting others to take care of her is idiocy. Your mother needs to SELL her house, then use that money to fund her life in Assisted Living, w/o being a burden to ANYONE by doing so. She pays others to look after her, is what she does.

You have nothing to feel 'guilty' over. Your mother thinks she is a queen and deserves to live a life of royalty, which is based on delusion.

Reality is something entirely different.

Stick to your guns and keep repeating the word No when it comes to taking her into your home. She has assets, suggest she use them to finance her life.

Good luck!
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My father worked for the state, so she got half of his state pension at their divorce. My father did not pay into social security because he worked for the state of Massachusetts. My mother has a few friends in Maine but they are her age (80’s) and can barely take care of themselves.
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Maybe I am crazy but if your mom moved 20 years ago I would think she has made some friends,, and you say " She got a large settlement and her rich friends also give her money. She constantly cries poverty. : Then you say she gave her house to her niece.. I think you have done plenty and need to step back an let the niece take over the crap. Don;t worry about what she tells others, her actions say it all. Why should you be on the hook and the niece gets everything?
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It’s hard to be talked bad about, even when you know it’s not based in truth. I hope you’ll be able to let it go, feel no need to defend yourself, and keep your head high. Those who really know your mother will know the reality of the situation. Stop propping her up, care for your own home and needs. I wish you peace
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Bekind; None of this matters "Sadly, when my parents got divorced my Mother made my father buy her out. He gave her her share of what he would be getting for retirement pension, plus proceeds from their house being sold. My Mom took the money, paid cash for another house, bought a 10,000 mink coat, went on numerous trips to Europe and lived high on the hog. She did not get a job, even though she was only 50 and blew all of the money."

If your mother was married to your father for 10 years and did not remarry, she is entitled to Spousal SS benefits. Go to OpenSocialSecurity.org and/or SS.gov.

Does she have a SS.gov account?

Your mother sounds like a deeply unwise woman. I would be cautious in assisting her. But if she is entitled to Spousal Benefits, that might be a way that you might help from a distance.
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and support. I need this forum to stay strong and not let her guilt me🌸
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Thank you so much for your honesty and support. I have lost so much sleep over this the past 20 years, I knew this would happen. Best wishes to you.
These posts help me stay strong🌻
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She made her choice.
I would also stop supporting her.
If she has not remarried she should be getting a portion of her ex-husbands social security.
She can contact the Area Agency on Aging she may qualify for some help.
If she does have little income she may qualify for
Medicaid, Food stamps (not sure what it is called in other parts of the country.)
There are programs for relief on Gas bills, Electric bills and Senior homestead exemption on property taxes.
*What she tells people..that you will not let her live with you is true. She is leaving off the Why you won't. If anyone says anything to you you can either explain or tell them it is a private family matter and leave it at that no one is OWED an explanation.
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Sadly, when my parents got divorced my Mother made my father buy her out. He gave her her share of what he would be getting for retirement pension, plus proceeds from their house being sold. My Mom took the money, paid cash for another house, bought a 10,000 mink coat, went on numerous trips to Europe and lived high on the hog. She did not get a job, even though she was only 50 and blew all of the money.
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There are sooo many of us that moved our Loved Ones in with us, regretted it, and THEN found this site.

Good for you for knowing what you need to keep your own sanity.

Applauding you from here!

👏👏👏
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The facts are that you won't allow your Mother to live with you.
The facts are that you cannot physically emotionally or financially take care of her. That's okay! It does not make you a bad person.

Many people (thousands) on this forum will agree with you, to not allow her to live with you (in your situation).

She can bad mouth you all she wants behind your back (a sign of narcissism, dementia, and/or alzheimer's). That won't change the facts.

You won't be able to stop your mother from bad-mouthing you to others.
Trust the people that love you, and understand the situation to not believe everything she says. I wouldn't try to defend the facts. The facts do not make you a bad person.

As far as sending her money....It is difficult to judge from afar, looking at what you wrote. But looking at the financials, and the fact she has garden that she does not want to leave says to me she has plenty of disposable income to finance that garden. Have you priced gardening lately? If she went without the basics of food, shelter, and transportation, that might be a reason to consider sending financial help. Stop sending her help, and allow her to make better decisions to move where there is help available. Or she can help herself.

I have an opinion not yet fully developed in my mind yet. It is this:
Throwing money at some situations do not work to help the person, when their needs can be better met by associating with trustworthy family living nearby. Why would anyone send money to someone known to make unwise decisions?

So very sorry that you are sad and hurt. I think with support you can recover from that. 💔
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Thank you so much for writing back, I really appreciate it. It was hard writing it but I am so sad and hurt. I feel for you too. Take care🌻
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I don't have an answer, but I cried reading your question and I just joined this community today. I am in a similar situation, but my controlling and needy mother is only 15 minutes away. We bent over backwards to help her get situated in a lovely assisted living facility a month ago (which she chose!), and she has now announced that she is going to move back to independent living...after spending thousands on moving and giving away furniture, etc. She hates where she is, calls it a hellhole, and that every day is torture. I am sad for her, too, but I can't support her going back to live alone, and told her as much. Now, I'm being "a bad daughter" and "not on her side". I feel for you.
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Sorry for the multi-posting!
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Sorry for the multi-post! Is there a way to delete an answer?
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Is your mom claiming spousal social security benefits on your dad's record?
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