My Mom ( age 88) lived in a very nice retirement home in IL where she had lived her whole life. My father died nine years ago and she reconnected with a college boyfriend and she lived with him for a year in CA before he died from dementia. She was so lonely and both she, my husband and I thought she would be happier up here by us and all 7 of her great grandchildren. I now realize that this was the worst decision of my life. She has two rooms in our house and a bathroom and has been told that the rest of the house is hers as well. Other than coming out of her rooms for breakfast (she keeps all of her food in her room), her weekly hair appt and when we take her with us to restaurants or Dr appts we hardly see her. She has nasty comments to make if I do anything that doesn't include her. I am 60 and I think she was hoping that I would just sit in her room with her all day, every day as if I was 88 too. She is really a passive aggressive person and I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I would just move her back to IL (where my brother lives) but most of her furniture was sold. She is also on Facebook and on her depressed days makes sure she puts depressing comments on fb. I'm sure that her friends and relatives think that we are abusing her. I have just found out that she is a miserable depressed person and probably always has been. My father was a saint to have lived with her for 50 years. I'm tired of hearing about all of the things she didn't get to do in her life, what a disappointment my father was, how she wished that she had married her college boyfriend instead, etc, etc, etc. I want her gone!! I need suggestions of what to do. Should I just give up possibly the next 10 years of our lives, move her back (money isn't an object for her) or what? I really need advice.
You need to ask yourself if you can accept your living arrangement if things don't change, or if they change for the worse as she gets older. You say you are going for therapy so be honest with yourself. She seems to be telling you that she agrees she needs to be close to family for your support, but you could still be that support in an assisted living facility close to you, perhaps with nursing home option if needed in the future.
I have suggested going to counseling repeatedly. She has so many issues that she has never dealt with from her past (a child who died from cancer as a baby, another child who was stillborn, and an an emotionally abusive mother). She refuses to go for counseling because it costs money and she says she won't pay someone. I wish I could force her to go but that isn't an option. I will be going myself.
I have also said that she could always move back to her hometown. She hated where lived at the time and I always heard that she felt that her Ind Living 2 bedroom apartment was a cell ( didn't have enough windows). She says she wishes that she had never moved out of her condo that she lived in with my Dad (she complained about the condo the whole time she lived there), she wishes she had never left Florida where she lived part of the year with my Dad (but said that she cried when she lived there without her children close) and wishes that she still lived in CA with the love of her life.
As you can tell there is no making her happy wherever she is. I can't change her and will need help to know how to live with her and her moods.
Thank you for all of your comments.
Chronically depressed people are horrible to live with, but make sure you are not hating on her because she is being Debbie Downer when she really needs medical help. Insist she gets evaluated! Print off those FB posts if she always lies to the doctors about stuff like this :-)