Follow
Share

Her recent hearing evaluation showed moderate to severe hearing loss in both ears. The doctor told her that it is the type of hearing loss that hearing aids will help. My mother refuses to discuss hearing aids, won't even attend a free session at the doctor's office to see and discuss the various options. I told her that I would not be screaming into the phone any longer and that I will repeat what I say every time she asks, but that I will not be raising my voice to a shouting level any longer. I just hung up the phone with her a few minutes ago because she said "if you're not going to talk louder then just hang up". This is the tip of the iceberg and I am so frustrated that I have hit burnout on this issue. Let her talk to my brother, the golden boy.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

64 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
Jc45liberty. My Golden Boy brother is deceased. This allows an almost saint like perfection when my mother tells me what he "would have done". I loved my brother, but a saint he was not. Good thing I have a highly developed sense of ironic humor.
(1)
Report
It is soooooooooooooooo difficult raising parents. Yes we know they are the parents, but roles do change. They just need to listen to the children who have their best interests at heart. My mother has a golden boy as well! He can do no wrong and is always forgiven for ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(1)
Report
Hearing aids are expensive, but worth it if used! In a nursing home setting there is much loss of items, not so much theft. Sometimes people misplace their eyeglasses, hearing aids and even dentures! All those add on appendages are difficult to keep track of.
(2)
Report
Thank you for all your comments and suggestions! I know it's not a good situation for anyone, but I don't feel so alone now. I will try the phone with volume adjustment. Maybe she will use it. I'll ask my brother to talk to her about hearing aids (not holding my breath). I will not go back to shouting in person and screaming into the phone. I'm moving on so I can salvage my own sanity and reduce my blood pressure. If she chooses to ignore her hearing loss, that's certainly her choice to make. However, it doesn't mean I have to live with the stress of attempting to communicate with her.
(2)
Report
My mother refuses to go for audiology testing & just thinks she has slight hearing loss. In fact, her hearing loss is advanced. I know from experience in my profession, people will get hearing aids & then not wear them! They’re an expensive investment if our mothers refuse to wear them. Raise your voices...it’s frustrating & annoying but if an elderly person is resistant it’s likely not going to change unfortunately. Make sure the TV or radio is off & speak directly to the person. It’s such a shame as hearing loss is very isolating...and it’s even worse in a room where there is background noise. The hard of hearing person is unable to hear conversations around them. I have bought my mother a volume magnifier at the drug store...it was a waste of money as she won’t even wear that. It drove my mother crazy when her own father was very hard of hearing...she doesn’t get that comparison ☹️ Phones with adjustable volume are very helpful. But Visiting is a challenge. 
(0)
Report
My mother's own sister sold hearing aides. She said some people get too comfortable with silence and cannot adjust to things like their own footsteps. I realise that hearing aides take some getting used to, but my father managed, unlike my mother, Queen of Denial. I am sure untreated hearing loss leads to dementia. I am monitoring my own hearing and will get them when I begin to request repeats. Time for silence in the grave.
(1)
Report
Dear guiltandanger,
I had to chuckle because I refer to my brother the golden boy too. I get to do all the crap work, while he just regales them with everything he's doing. Argg. My mother also won't wear hearing aids - she has some dementia. It's excellent that you're setting boundaries - we must keep our sanity. I have had to give up and so much that's normal. Refusal to do sensible things is part of the dementia thing. Goodness. Best luck to you.
(2)
Report
I had same problem with my father not wanting to wear hearing aid. I bought one for $19.99 at Walgreens, at first he didn’t want it due to other noises we take for granted & don’t hear. So I adjusted to 1st level and he would wear for little while & take off. After he got used to hearing aid now he won’t be without it & his got Dementia! I’ve bought 2 extras Incase battery low or miss places it. Now he can hear callers & the TV not at highest level. It takes baby steps with stubborn parent like mine.
(0)
Report
My mom can't afford them so she just tells you she can't hear you and watches reruns of horrid shows at a volume that makes you shrink on the other side of her house.
My MIL has them but says she likes it quiet. But she also has dementia and sometimes I am not sure if she can hear me or it is her disease.
My husband needs hearing aides.

When I go to visit MIL and help her do things, I just go get her hearing aides and hand them to her. I won't say a word until she puts at least one in.
(0)
Report
OMG. I'm there with you. My mother has hearing aids but won't wear them. So when I call to discuss something with her, the t.v. is blaring and she keeps saying, "Now say what? I can't hear you." It may seem like a picky thing that we're talking about but, it's so very frustrating when you're practically screaming in the phone to have a conversation. From now on, I'm going to start the conversation by saying, I have some things to talk to you about, I'm going to give you five minutes to put your hearing aid in, then I'll call you back. The same when I visit. I'm going to ask her to put her hearing aid in.
(1)
Report
I'm going to repeat some good advice you got from JoAnn29, get her a phone with adjustable volume.
My mom wore hearing aids but was bothered by feedback when using the telephone so she would take it out to talk (yes, the phone was supposedly HA compatible). Anyway, mom's phone didn't need to have a button pushed to increase the volume, it was just always loud (really, really loud!) This doesn't help with one on one conversations but it is a good, simple start.
(1)
Report
Same here. I truly believe it leads to dementia. They start hearing there own voices in their head. We actually bought an amplifier. Just like a Walkman. I’m gonna keep it for my old age.
(0)
Report
I am in the same boat
(0)
Report
I tried for many years to get my mother to wear hearing aides. She actually got one and then another then wouldn't wear either. I took her to an audiologist and three different dispensers when she insisted she needed something that worked and said the ones she had weren't any good. She would not put in the time needed to adjust. I finally gave up. This means she can't make friends in AL. People she knows don't want to visit her. She can't attend programs and on and on. I say very little to her now. We look at pictures. She talks. If it's important I write it down. She is 93 and has exiled herself.
(2)
Report
I also agree with the need for an audiologist, but the Costco I take my mom to has a very good one. And I must disagree with serenevannoy and agree with those who have talked about how hard it is on one's head if one has to shout to get someone else to hear. Please reread the many comments here about the damage that is done when one refuses to attempt to correct a hearing problem that is generally correctable. Just because we get older we should not be allowed to inordinately inconvenience our loved ones and care givers.
(2)
Report
Yes my mother who is 88 also has major hearing problems and won't accept it. It's almost as if if she admits to it she's admitting she's gotten old. The queen of Denile and not the river in Egypt. When you pull up in front of her house in your car and can hear the TV outside there's definitely an issue. She agreed to go and get tested and we did get her some hearing aides but she refuses to wear them. She continues to say she can hear just fine but she thinks when the TV volume is up to 70 and she can hear it ..... that's normal. I can stand right next to her and ask her something and she won't hear me. She says the hearing aides hurt her ears when she sleeps with them in but I think she's just uncomfortable putting them in and taking them out herself because they are somewhat delicate. They were very expensive and I hate for them to just sit in their box and go to waste. Also, my concern is that she still drives and what if someone is honking for her to get out of their way or an ambulance is coming and she can't hear them coming and could cause a wreck. Anyone got any suggestions because I'm at the end of my rope with frustration and I'm trying to be patient because I know someday it could be me too but even at my age I am noticing my hearing is not the best anymore so why can't she see this problem and work with me. Thanks
(1)
Report
This discussion makes me feel so much better about my parents refusal to get hearing aids! They will both be 70 this year. My dad has needed one for years. When he watches TV he has to turn it up very loud and it drives me nuts! I hate a blasting TV! My moms hearing has gotten bad over recent years and I constantly have to repeat myself and I hate it! It makes for an uncomfortable situation when we host a holiday or other social event and people say something to my parents who don’t hear them, it looks like they are ignoring them! My mom had tried to get my dad to get a hearing aid before her hearing started to go but he refused. Now that mom needs one, she won’t get one either! I chalk it up to being one of those things I just won’t understand until I am faced with it myself. I can tell you right now that if I suffered from hearing loss tomorrow, I would get a hearing aid. But you never know how you will feel until if you are actually in that situation situation. And then there’s the bad decisions, neither has Alzheimer’s or dimentia but they both have health problems and 70 isn’t that old but their judgement isn’t good, never has been to be honest. The other day my dad signed an outrageous contract for a new hot water heater that required a non-refundable $1425 deposit. The plumber is trying to charge almost $3000! The heater is $500, he did $300 worth of work before telling dad the heater needs replacing, then he’s charging $75 an hour to replace the dang heater so that accounts for around $1800, can’t get an explanation for what the rest of the fee is for. Tried to cancel on Friday morning since the contract says there is a 3 day cancellation policy and they refused, charged moms credit card the deposit and then quietly dumped the water heater in the driveway without telling anyone! My brother found it when he went out front. Seems mom found these people in the phone book, called them to come out and dad is the one who talked to the guy even though he’s not mentally competent (legally yes he is, hasn’t been declared incompetent but he hasn’t been in his right mind for years, he has cognitive issues related a war injury and various health crisis over the years). My parents just don’t have the sense to call around and get estimates, the guy could have quoted $15k, told them that’s what everyone costs and they would believe him! My brother called around and everyone else will charge around $1600. They’ve always been this way, they bought a Hilton time share in the late 90s and 20 years later they are still paying on it and owe almost $30k on it because they keep getting taken!  As soon as it is almost paid off, they get talked into upgrading or buying in at a different location. I don’t know why they don’t tell these vultures NO!  At this point in time, it’s not my problem. I have tried but there is just no stopping their bad decisions.
(0)
Report
I have a little different perspective. I started losing my hearing in my late 30s and wore hearing aids from 42-54 when my hearing was so bad I got cochlear implants. I completely understand how frustrating it is to deal with someone with a hearing loss as I have family member who have losses. PLEASE don't shout at the hearing impaired person. That is the worst thing you can do and only makes it worse. Shouting is not helpful, what you should try to do is raise your voice but talk slowly and clearly.

Hearing aids aren't always the answer. Most people think if you put on hearing aids you will hear--just like wear glasses and you can see. While hearing aids have made leaps and bounds of improvements, you have to remember all they are doing is amplifying what hearing a person has left. So if a person has not hearing in a certain frequency, no hearing aid is going to help that.

As for the phone, there are captioned phone available that work very well. The one caveat is that they may require an internet connection but that is a small price to pay for being able to talk with your loved one. Do some research as some are better than others. It was such a relief for me to use one and be able to make my own phone calls--I no longer need it because of my cochlear implants.

Finally, make sure if your loved one gets hearing aids, be sure to go to an audiologist for them. Don't use just a hearing aid dispenser, use an audiologist and I have found that those associated with a university are usually the best. An audiologist is worth their weight in gold.

I live with hearing loss every day as do my 30 year old children. It is not easy. I would be more than glad to correspond and answer questions if you have any.
(2)
Report
when they can't hear what they want or miss something important they will wear them until then don't scream don't raise your voice you are only making it easier for he and hurting yourself. STOP.
(0)
Report
One can go on Amazon and get one of the very reasonable amplification devices or similar items that are effectively hearing aids for less than $50, proudly made in China.

Another option, if the person can see well enough, is to write things out, especially on one of those "grayboards" with the plastic film--it saves a lot of aggravation.
(0)
Report
My mother didn't want to use a hearing aide. She claimed that the audiologist said her hearing was 90%; what he said was that he could improve one ear to 90% with a hearing aide. She firmly stated that she wouldn't wear hearing aides. I asked her why since she has worn corrective eye glasses for most of her life....what is the difference? I wasn't able to get her to change her mind, unfortunately. Perhaps she was worried about the cost or suspected that they would feel comfortable. I was told, too, that with dementia, that there comes a time when hearing aides are more trouble than they are worth. But at the same time, it's hard to remember something that one didn't hear????? I like the idea of the hearing aid attaching to a pair of glasses; she might have tried that!
(2)
Report
Regarding the hearing aids, my Mom's Geriatric Dr. mentioned she would benefit, but it was up to her. She declined. Then, my other sister just took her to a hearing aid Dr (she has dementia) and he gave her a pair to "try on" for a week. She loved them (go figure). But it is a process and took my Mom almost a year to decide to wear them. Now some times when she has problems putting them in, she will say "I've had these things for 20 years and still sometimes have troubles!". My advice is, she will decide when she wants them! Good luck!
(2)
Report
I feel your pain and sorry you’re experiencing the frustration your Mom is willingly causing you. You might try printing out all of Maggiebea, Doingbestican, and Anjolie ‘s comments and showing them to your mother. I think the “penny finally dropped “ with my mom when I showed her articles that indicate hear loss will mimic dementia (being ‘out of it’ comprehension-wise and socially) and will actually contribute to continuing mental decline. While she still didn’t want to admit she had a hearing problem, she was in fact willing to do whatever she could to stem declining memory issues. If that works, it’s critical that she consistently leaves them in for weeks while her hearing re-adapts fully to sounds or she’ll quickly insist they don’t work. Mom is in AL so, lastly, out of sheer frustration I put in writing to AL management that hearing loss is linked to balance as well as quality of life issues; and I considered it a safety problem if they didn’t insure that Mom had her hearing aids in each day - and working - and that I expected them to be fully accountable for Mom’s care....including supervision of wearing hearing aids. That did the trick. It’s now in the MARS for the medtech to put in the aids each morning along with her meds and to be sure they’re ON, and again in the MARS to take them out at the end of the day and make sure they’re IFF to extend battery life. Also in the MARS that each Monday the batteries are changed no matter what so haven’t run into problems with midweek/midday battery going dead. Has been a miracle solution. Don’t know if your Mother is in AL so you’d have that supported option but maybe this comment will help others. I really can’t agree with the comments that you should just accept your Mother’s choice and shout at her. When I had to constantly talk loudly it gave me a headache from the extra reverberation through my own skull! I finally decided that being in pain wasn’t an aspect of caregiving that I was willing to accept, not when there were other options. I decided to value my own health and sanity above my mother Mom’s vanity on this particular issue. Hope you quickly find a solution that works for you. Good luck.
(3)
Report
My father 85 with Parkinson's can't hear well, always saying huh? Or giving the blank stare. Will not get hearing aids because of money involved. My mother finally got hearing aids after complaining the past couple of years. Half the time she won't even put them in. They need to be adjusted but she won't do it. So now she assumes she can hear what I say, but she just fills in the gaps with what she thinks people are saying, whether it's me, dad or the tv. Then she gets ANGRY when she imagines what you said and gets even more ticked off when you try to explain what you actually said. Furious when you correct her. Geez...
(4)
Report
My grandfather [died in 1961] had hearing aids that were in the end of his glasses' arms that were behind his ears & hard to see - I wonder if they still exist because they would be much harder to loose - women's long hair would hide the little clear tubes even more
(1)
Report
There is two things you should consider. First, hearing aids are temporary. What most doctors don't tell you is that they work by increasing the volume. That means that if the hearing loss is from nerve damage, or from any other damage due to loud sounds, the aid will just send an even louder sound into the ear and accelerate the decline. Second is that she may not want to hear. I went through the same thing with my father. When I asked him about it, he said, "Most of the time people talk about things I don't are about, or don't want to hear. So I leave out my hearing aid. I smile and nod. Once in a while I say ah huh, yeah. They're happy and I don't have to hear it. And If I'm out walking or working and someone I don't want to talk to calls to me I just keep walking. Your mother tells them I don't have my hearing aids in and I don't have to talk to them and they're not mad."

There could be more to it then just stubbornness.
(2)
Report
OH...one more thing: I have come to write many times to my father. It is immensely time consuming and frustrating especially when you are in a rage LOL...but I forgot one of the most helpful things we have is that dad (who is age 101 now) has an i-phone (I imagine any smart phone will work) with an app on it for dictation (dragon is one, but there are others that are faster), so if others speak into the phone, it will translate (assuming the person has vision) into written words on the screen he can read and respond to. Dad is deaf, so it is a godsend especially at MD appts.
(2)
Report
Oh, and then there is the pocket talker gadget which can help some..but it is rather visible, like a pocket radio and you wear a headset...btw, my mom has dementia...and now my problem is getting the damn hearing aids away from her so I can clean them!! That does impact how they work, and she won't hand them over!
(0)
Report
Until people have dealt with it, they have no idea how exhausting it is to speak, loud enough for a person with hearing impairment to hear. Hopefully over time she will miss or need you enough to cooperate, if you can wait her out. Do you have a Costco membership? We are blessed with the absolute nicest staff at their hearing aid dept here in Mayfield Hts OH...and perhaps a shopping expedition can include a preplanned appt to be checked out. They have a new one that is relatively effortless...rechargable batteries that mean no fumbling and shopping, no on/off issues, self adjusting...you just put it in the charger cup at night and they are also not very visible. You would have to buy them, but they will let you try them for a long while and no issues to return. That's what my mom has. My dad is a stubborn mule who is deaf and still gets suckered in every time there is a new ad. No hearing aid will help him and now I am dealing with how obnoxiously loud his voice is in public, disturbing everyone. He claims he believes he is whispering and he can't help it, that's the way his voice is.
(1)
Report
Have to tell a story Moms ear Doctor told me. Seems he goes to nursing homes as a favor to his patients. I guess one complained her hearing aid
didn't work. He opened up the battery case and found...no battery. He went out to the nurses desk and told them that they needed to replace the batteries.
(1)
Report
1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter