His dad is deaf and now needs much assistance. He cannot afford AL and husband is not yet ready for his dad to be in a SNF. I know a SNF would be hard emotionally for his dad, but this is what he needs, truly. FIL is 85, deaf and doesn’t take care of his hygiene, his pills, not able to work the cochlear device well, not interested in assistive device phone system. We have him living in IL with caregiver support, with also max assist from us to the tune of several visits per week and we take him to all his many, many medical and specialty appts. I am sick of this. The rest of the family is refusing involvement because FIL has poor compliance and is so much work. Other family is all out of state and never call or inquire about him, even when we have asked them to do so. We went from never seeing this person to seeing him all the time and I am frustrated and angry! Just venting here!

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Your husband is being unfair to you, he is only interested in making himself feel good, now he will save his father! His father will anoint him as the "Golden One"! WoW Impressive!

The rest of the family has given you the answer, the father needs to be placed in SNF.

If he goes to the doctor every week that should be a clue that he is beyond caring for himself at home. Although, I doubt that all the visits are necessary, one year before we placed my step-father in AL, Medicare paid over 2 million dollars for his care in 1 year. Big business.

Lot's of "We" going on, IMO sb more "Hubby" and less "We".

Good Luck!

He shouldn't be IL, for a start. SNF is too much care for what you've described, and by having supplemental caregivers in an independent living situation, you've just created a higher-price assisted living.

Have him assessed for the level of care he actually needs, then let the facility do what they're being paid to do.

Have you checked into board and care homes?

They are cheaper, in my area, then an AL. They have better caregiver to resident ratio and have a homey feeling.

One thing I always question, does he really need to see multiple doctors, multiple times a week? I think we just blindly make appointments without ever asking if we really need to come back in 1, 2, 3 weeks/months, whatever. Usually not, unless they are treating something, not just prescribing meds, which most of them only need annual visits or 6 months.

Unfortunately doctors visits become social events and a good reason to get someone to come help. Maybe trimming the fat off the visits will help.

LKperez, it's tough getting older. We tend to put off until the next day whenever we need to do something, then it becomes a week later, two weeks. That is just part of aging, and just about all of us will experience something to that effect one way or another. Just taking a bath is like going to the gym, it now has become exhausting.

I am glad to see that your husband is trying to care for his Dad, even if Dad was out of the picture for decades. Hopefully they can make up some of what they lost.

Curious what is the caregiver or facility doing? Or am I reading it wrong about "caregiver support"? You mention "visiting" your husband's father. The caregiver/facility should be helping Dad-in-law with bathing, etc.

Ah, yes, all those medical appointments. I remember running my parents all over town for appointments to every type of specialist there was. Well, as sig-other and I have gotten older, we are running ourselves all over town for doctor appointments. Comes with the territory of getting older.

I disagree that you should leave DH to handle his father all alone. It's likely too much for him and he needs your support right now. I don't blame you for being angry & upset, however, so a heart to heart talk with him is in order. Maybe even a time frame for getting FIL into managed care would be a good idea. Be supportive and helpful though, w/o issuing ultimatums, that is my advice. For whatever reason, DH feels the need to help his father, whether he deserves it or not. The rest of the family has dropped the ball because of FILs lack of compliance and b/c it's 'so much work', so that leaves your DH holding the bag for all of it! W/o you, he's sunk!

Has FIL been tested for dementia? Maybe that's why he's so non-compliant. Oftentimes profound hearing loss causes dementia to worsen or start up in the first place. Also, a huge symptom of dementia is refusal to bathe/bad hygiene and refusal to take medication. That could be what's going on with FIL and why things have declined so drastically lately. A SNF would likely be the best place for him, and it might not wind up being so 'hard emotionally' for him. Lots of times we 'children' have to ensure our parent's safety first, and their comfort or emotional well being comes second. I had to do that with my mother, who did not want to be in Memory Care AL but she HAD to be, for her own safety and management of her dementia. There was no way she could live independently, even with caregivers coming in to help. Even in Memory Care, there was still a LOT I had to do for her!

So my suggestion is to sit down with DH and come up with a plan. Help him find a SNF for FIL that seems suitable for his needs. Then you can help move him in there and get that ball rolling. Don't expect there to be no involvement with FIL once he's placed though; there will still be certain things DH will need to do. At that point, however, he may agree to go see dad alone and then you can be off the hook for further involvement. Just help them GET to that point first. I say this b/c my husband was crucial in helping me maintain my sanity while I was going thru hell with my parents for a 10.5 year period. Had he left me alone to deal with them on my own, I'd have lost my mind and probably wound up divorcing HIM in the process. Team work makes the dream work.

Good luck to you.

FIL didn’t bother to keep in touch for 30 years. Now he wants something (care, money, company) and is very persistent. DH gave up on him for years, and it’s been good to ‘find’ him again. DH needs to think back to why it stopped before.

There is no emotional rediscovery ‘payoff’ for you, and no reason for you to be involved. Let DH work through it by himself. It will be quicker if you aren’t trying to be ‘nice’ all the time.

You mentioned a lot of 'we' are doing...

You may choose to reduce your care-load for FIL.
Your DH is free to choose his own level of support - different to yours.
Would this difference cause a problem? Are there expectations you must if DH does?

The care plan is due for a re-assessment by the sounds - to ensure it suits ALL the people in the plan.

Otherwise resentment grows.

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