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I just saw an article on the benefits of sleep for caregivers. I need to speak here.


I have to take care of my mom, who lives in an independent senior apartment. I’m usually there in the evenings. But she won’t let me go home until she’s about to fall asleep, which is well after 10:30 pm.


By the time I leave the place and return home, I have no time to wind down and fall asleep on time to wake up in the morning and take care of my children, who are now in high school. This daily routine only nets me less than 6 hours of sleep. I have trouble falling asleep to begin with.


Needless to say, I can no longer go to the Y to exercise, nor can be sure my nutrition is taken care of. I’m too tired to think. When I told her I need to wake up early to take my girls to school, she says, “Why don’t they take the school bus instead?” I can’t be a mom for my kids in the morning, but I have to cater to her every need. My sleep be damned. And when I tell her I need to go home early and I need my sleep, she starts guilt-tripping me.


What am I supposed to do? I swear she’s determined to take me to the grave with her - and forget my children and my husband.

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Duchess,

I hope that the reason why you haven’t posted is because you are getting some well deserved rest!
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What are you "taking care of" for your Mom if she lives in an "Independent Senior Apartment?" That makes no sense. She is NOT "independent" at all.

What are the needs you are catering to? If she starts the guilt routine, tell her, "Maybe you need to move into Assisted Living if you need so much help from me now. I have my husband and kids to take care of, plus I have a job....you have no responsibilities, and can sleep whenever you want."

I love the suggestion to say your eye doctor has told you, "No night driving." Fib that he has found cataracts, so you can't risk loosing your drivers license, or have an accident (driving home tired in the dark) because she wants you to "tuck her in" every night!

Give her 2 days a week MAX for "catering" and after an hour, grab your purse and say, "Gotta go!" Seriously, when do you have dinner with your own family? Take time with your kids? Have a nice evening alone with your husband?

Tell her you aren't going to argue about it, your husband and kids are your priority.

Stop letting her needy selfishness ruin your life. She only wants a personal slave, not a daughter. Sounds like time for Assisted Living to me. Life is too short!
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Leave when YOU want.

Not when she “allows” you to leave.

Trust me, this will only get worse. When she demands you stay next to her 24/7. I refused to leave my husband and 3 school-aged kids in order to fulfill my mother’s demands, and the suicide threats, notes and attempts started. She is now in care.
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First: you do not “have” to do anything. All this is something you have CHOSEN to do. To Hell with what the demanding old gal wants! You have a family that needs you. Your mother is wrecking your life, plain and simple, and you are allowing it, as if you have no will, no backbone, no power to say, “NO!” I feel very sorry for your children.
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Duchess,

I’m so very sorry that you found yourself in this situation. It’s a shame that your mother doesn’t value your time.

How can you not resent her for behaving so selfishly?

You are overwhelmed by your situation. When I became so overwrought in my caregiving situation I ended up in therapy.

I will tell you what my therapist told me when I became resentful of having to do too much for my mom.

He said, “You’re angry and it’s okay to be angry. Use that anger as motivation to make appropriate changes in your life.”

I remember another poster who had a therapist who was a straight shooter like mine. He told her, “Never let the sharks see you bleed!”

I love that! My therapist gives me useful advice, none of this woo woo BS!

Make a plan. You can do this!

I saw another poster post lyrics from one of my favorite bands, The Rolling Stones.

I replied back saying that I saw The Stones perform, ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ live at Louisiana State University Assembly Center when I was 18.

Caregiving was the furthest thing from my mind when I was rocking out to The Stones with my friends at age 18, but the lyrics certainly apply for all caregivers to tell their parents.

You can’t always get what you want!

I often think about the lyrics to Paul Simon’s song, ‘50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. I saw Simon perform that song at our Louisiana Jazz and Heritage Festival. I think someone should do a remake of that song, 50 Ways to leave Your Mother! Maybe you can write the lyrics. 😊

Best wishes to you and I hope that you will figure out a way to escape being your mother’s slave/babysitter. You have a husband and your own children to look after.
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Maybe a therapeutic fib? You could tell your Mom you recently saw your Eye Doctor, and that you're starting to have issues with night vision. Doctor suggests you no longer drive in the dark - due to safety issues. So, you need to be on your way home before it gets too dark out.

Also, speaking of safety issues. Sounds a bit dangerous to be out driving around after 10:30 at night every night. What if you're followed home, or someone's hiding behind a car - waiting for you in the parking lot? Or, if your car breaks down on the way home or you slide into a ditch?
I sure wouldn't drive late at night unless it was something important, like going to or coming home from work.

p.s. I wouldn't feel a moment of guilt telling my Mom a therapeutic fib like that, either.
(Just a thought.)
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Duchess of Kitty, such a cool name.

You can do it, OP. Stand up for yourself (you don’t need to say anything to her; show it through action).

(VentingisSNACK)
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Duchess of Kitty, welcome!

I think you are misguided in your thinking.

"I have to cater to her every need."

Says who?

This can be seen as self-imposed torture. You don't HAVE to do anything. At all.

Just stop.

You say "No mom, I have to leave now."

"I have to take care of my mom, who lives in an independent senior apartment"

She is anything BUT independent.
If she can't fall asleep by herself, then she needs a higher level of care.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
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“She won’t let me”

Oh, wow. She grabs that umbilical cord and ties you up with it!

Just tell her you’re going and go. You don’t have to
listen to guilt tripping. You tell her to stop it and walk out immediately.

”Oh but she’s my beloved mother and I can’t I just can’t be disrespectful oh what would she think and I can’t be a bad daughter and she’d hate me oh woe is me!!

You’re a grown woman and your family time should be precious to you. I’m leaving you with that guilt trip. It’s the only one you should be paying attention to.
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Well first off I hope you realize that you my dear have your priorities all mixed up.
Your husband comes first, then your children and home come next. Your mom comes somewhere after all that.
Why have you allowed her to rule your life like she has? It's time(actually it's way past time)to put your big girl panties on and let mom know that from now on you'll only being stopping by a few times a week, and that on those days you'll be leaving no later than 7:00 p.m.
If she's needing that much care than she no longer should be in independent living, as she's no longer independent, and should be placed in an assisted living facility. And she can hire(with her own money)any additional help she may need.
I wish you the very best in getting your priorities back in order and getting your much needed sleep.
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If she needs you there to cradle her asleep then a move to AL might be the answer, there is someone there 24/7.

Why do you need to cater to her every need? You have a family to care for, they should be your priority.

Might be time to rethink all of this, your children will carry their childhood into adulthood, they will remember all of this.

Good Luck!
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“I swear she’s determined to take me to the grave with her”

She might very well be doing that. Misery likes to see other people (especially their daughter) even more miserable than they are.
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