My mother is a black hole, sucking everything I am into it.

I understand you completely. My mother is the same way but she lives by herself. She is 82 years old and when she calls me, which is about 5 times per day, she expects me to constantly pick up the phone whenever she has a thought or anything to say. She is a bully, even in her old age and she too takes away from me any kindness or compassion I used to feel. I keep her at a distance now, because after all these years, I see that she is a narcissist and only wants to be served. My life is important and I want to live a happy life without my mother on my back to serve her needs. We were never close anyhow, because of her narcissistic ways, and she is not emotional. She just talks a lot and likes to fill her void with talk. Thank God she lives by herself because she cannot live with any of her children with the way she acts. Perhaps you can get a place for your mother to live on her own, even if it is by you, with other older people so she has her own
thing going on and you can be more free!

I am hanging on a slender thread & feel for & am thankful for you all here . May the good Lord bless, guide & comfort & give us all strength. I hate the times I fear & hate my mom when she is attacking me for she has dementia & accuses me of not being me. Then I pray God forgive me & feel so guilty when she is over it.

Caregiving is not for wimps, which you definitely are not. Some people have difficult personalities or difficult physical needs that make it hard to caregive 24/7/365. That might be why residential facilities came about, a place where care is given and workers get built-in respite, their off time from work. I figure when resentment builds that something needs to change. It may mean that I need to figure out different ways of dealing with a problem behavior. Usually, it means I need respite or another caregiver - or 2 - to help bear the load. I agree; caregiving can suck... and it can also have moments of good times.

I hate when people use the "she carried me to birth" or "they supported me" arguments for shaming/guilt purposes. Some of us have a parent who probably would have terminated the pregnancies with us had they been able to at that time. After birthing us they ignored us or worse abused us.

If you know what I mean, we don't "owe" anything to that parent. Most of us already spent a lifetime catering to that parent at great cost to our own lives so any "debt" some people think everyone (wrong, not everyone) has to their parents is more than cleared.

We need all our energy now to heal ourselves so we can finally have an ounce of mental peace before we die. (and as some of us know, that fight to make ourselves feel worthy is a 24/7 nightmare)

You're definitely not alone. Have you even looked at a local long term care facility? I work at a private pay assisted living and memory care facility. My mom is a resident there. I think you alone should look into one. I know right now you can do a virtual visit due to Covid-19. But you can get a brochure that has prices and floor plans and a list of things provided for the resident. Your mom will fight you on this, (most families experience that) but once they see that there are people her own age and stories to tell, new residents usually fit right in and are happy this decision was made. My mother was exactly like yours. Except my mom is wheelchair bound and her dementia has her spiraling right now. She is 90. And I am so glad I have her in a safe environment where there are aides and RN's who know exactly how to help their residents. I really think you'll find yourself once again. Even if you don't move her to a facility, the fact that you know for yourself what is truly out there, you'll be glad you're presented with all the information. I wish you better days ahead. I was on Xanax 3 to 4 times a day. My entire digestive system is such a mess because of my mother and dealing with her nasty self. She's always been that way, and with me being the oldest, I was the one who got her vile temper and accusations. One of the nice things about dementia and the facility is that she doesn't remember what she was like, and she has adapted. It's been better for me. Do this for you my friend.

Don't undetestimate the damage this can do! I know how you are feeling and because you have acknowledged it, you are on the way to a resolution. It will not kill your mum to go into a care home and it might just save you and your marriage. None of it is your fault , nor can you fix anything to her satisfaction. Getting old is hard but you might be surprised how resilient your mother can be when it is needed. Take lots of care of you and yours xx

First you are NOT alone and I have often said that putting Mom in a home will hasten her end but we know that time is coming. Then I remind myself that she told me years ago that she didn’t want to get to the point my grandmother did, bedridden at home with my mom caring for her, she didn’t want to drag out her life if she wasn’t able to live it. Her plan was to walk out into the woods during a cold winter day and curl up and go to sleep under a tree, my mom has always been able to sleep anywhere and at the drop of a hat. I was horrified at the time and have often feared she would just do this but I get it now, I really do.

I don’t have any idea if this sucking the room behavior is who your mom has always been or a new thing either in her aging process or perhaps since moving in with you and it could be a combination but if it’s partly who she’s always been she’s going to be just as happy anywhere she has people to take care of her and professionals who don’t have the emotional baggage are going to be much better at it anyway. Is what situation is doing to you, your family and her what mom would have chosen 10 years ago, crystal ball type vision?

Maybe whatever the angle your mom (not just you) would be better off with non related professional caregivers and access to her peers around. Maybe it isn’t ideal and maybe it will shorten her life but maybe that isn’t as bad a thing as it feels to us their children. Especially if it increases their quality of life and I consider repairing relationships an important part of that, we often seek to repair strained relationships at end of life. I know I would much prefer to pass happier than older and my families happiness contributes to mine. While your sanity and happiness is certainly intertwined, stop thinking about it solely that way. Maybe a change in the current situation would be better for mom too, enabling you to go back to enjoying your time with her, your kids to Create happier memories and mom as well in return. Again I don’t know all the details and I absolutely understand the gut that says you need to keep her home to live out her life but your home isn’t really her home, I mean the one she had her independence in and in some ways not living with family May give them back that independence of their own home space but even if it doesn’t I don’t think it’s always the case that a parent moving into their child’s family’s home ever really considers it “their home” and if they are moved to a facility when they ask to go home it isn’t their child’s home they are thinking about, it may be their childhood home, the home they raised their children in or the last one they lived in with a spouse or by themselves, we just assume they mean the “home” they last lived.

Just food for thought, there are many other factors I know to deciding where a parent needs to or can live, I just don’t want you transferring her needs into guilt about your unhappiness. Hang in there.

First I have to comment on your descriptive writing. I certainly would not want to see or hear of that creativity being sucked into a black hole!

As a caregiver one of the things you need to do is take care of yourself first. I include personal safety, emotional safety / mental safety in that.
As an adult you also have to take care of your family.
Yes your mom is family but you left your parent's household and started your own. (cue Circle of Life music) This is the family you have to care for first.
Place your mom in Memory Care.
She will get the care she needs.
She will be safe.
You can become a daughter first and an Advocate second and lastly a caregiver.

By the way I bet there are a lot of caregivers that feel this way but not a lot either admit it or are able to put it into words as descriptively as you did.

My Mom has been living with me 20+ years. She’s pretty much the same. She has always had clinical depression. She is very selfish, narcissistic & manipulative. I’ve been able to deal with it all by tuning it out. I change the subject. Watch a movie with her. Have a dessert. Kind of like raising children. Mom can’t be placed in a facility with this virus floating around. I know I have a lot more patience than most. It’s just truth. It’s been hard & a test!

"I don't want to put her in a home. I know that that will be the end of her. But if I keep her here with me it will be the end of me."

You don't know that that would be the end of her. In fact I very much doubt it. Many seniors survive quite well in "homes".

Anything, and I mean anything, that will be the end of you has to be changed.

Anything - even looking after your mother in your own home.

Anything - especially something that is destroying you and your marriage and your family, who deserve to be your first consideration.

Please get some help for yourself regarding your pain and your priorities. ((((((hugs)))))

I’m sorry you feel that way. I truly understand. When I read this I instantly started crying. I take care of my mom as well it has changed my life completely. I am a compassionate and passionate person. I’m not surprised that God chose me. I’m doing the best I can. I feel like this is what I’m supposed to do. My mom took care of me. I think you’re a wonderful person to take care of your mom. But make sure you take care of yourself and your spirit as well. When your mom is sleep, though you may be tired. Stay up late some evenings and have a candle light dinner with your husband. I don’t know how old your children are or if you have siblings reach out for more help.

You are feeling the way you do because it is impossible to live with any addict or with any demented person. Age has nothing to do with it and the fact this is your mother has nothing to do with it.I sympathize deeply. I am 86 and I cannot live with my very ill and demented 65 year old daughter.May God have mercy!

On my goodness ... it’s very hard I know I moved in with my mom 3 years ago to over see her and assure her she is safe ... she still has her faculties to take care of herself... her narcissism however precludes any type of loving care... this is how I cope... first I am acutely aware she is sick behaviorally ... narcissistic behavior disorder is a sickness so I accept it, I look past it, I do not engage, (this is the key), I wear ear plugs to buffer the sounds of her daily ranting and insults and gas lighting... I have a few friends I can confide in to share my frustrations... our living situation is ideal .. we have separate living spaces so I’m lucky I can be in the house and never see her... I observe her, I’m aware of her and presently she does not “need me”... but she’s 84... I have an outside interest in riding and taking care of horses which help tremendously we also have a boarding stable and people come and go daily which distracts her ... I feel your pain and know this I love my mom, I don’t like her and that’s ok... I’m here for her personal health needs for when the time comes and I tolerate her otherwise ... I nod my head and agree with her and smile... she forgets what she says....I do not I engage in anything I can’t agree with... it’s like raising a 6 year old ...and I don’t take it personally ... the only difference is she’s not 6 she’s an adult and I’m way past the ideal of her ever being the mom I would love... that shipped sailed decades ago... good luck... take care of yourself first, family second and then her💙

You don't want to put her in a home, you say because THAT would be the end of her. Well... I have to say this. I work in home health care and have for 25+ years taking care of mostly the demented. I have heard since I started in this caregiving of these people that they want to stay in their homes and by people saying THAT, we obviously assume by that statement that THAT is what is THE BEST FOR THEM. Well... I got news for you! NO, STAYING IN YOUR HOME IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST SOLUTION. AND A GREAT MAJORITY OF THE TIME IT IS NOT THE BEST SOLUTION FOR THEM. Why? GOD made us to thrive in social conditions. He made us social creatures. IOW. we do NOT do well.... we then decline, or however you wish to put it, when we are alone. Here is my 25+ years of experience. Many insist on "staying in my own home where I have been for the past 40-70+ years". And then they end up "hibernating" there. Usually the ONLY people they ever see is family and their caregivers who usually are NOT family and this puts a huge strain on those family members to "get over there and keep them company". I have taken care of hundreds of people most of them in their homes and some in facilities whether it is in independent living, assisted living or nursing homes and by far, those in facilities do so much better while in a facility. Why? Those in facilities are around others. They go play bingo together, card games, reading clubs, read the newspaper in the reading room with others sitting there also; there are movies played for them, all kinds of activities they can go to such as, "Scholar Scoop" where people come in like a "rock guy" who brings in his various rocks to explain them, or the fiddler who plays and dances; or the accordion guy, or the band, and the scoop part.. ice cream is served. They have a choir also they can join. Of course, church services of various denominations are offered. Young people come in and host various goings on. The residents can sign up for going "out" on the bus for outings. And here is one of the best things...residents are NOT alone while eating. While in independent living my clients can go to whatever mealtimes they want but don't have to. And when they don't, you can bet one of their "buddies" is going to wonder where they are and usually check up on them when they don't show up more than once! While in assisted living, they have to go unless they are sick. Being in your own home? Yeah... eating alone is always great, right? The ONLY one there is your caregiver. No wonder those in their homes don't want to eat... suffer from depression... and start declining. Please DO NOT believe the hype that living in your own home is really living because much of the time, it is just the opposite. Yes... there are great memories "in that home" but...they can make other and great memories, great friends living their last years somewhere else. Families are great BUT they cannot meet all that person's needs. Many times these elderly do EXPECT their families to meet all their needs and this is when things start going down hill. Resentment by the family members builds up... and then anger creeps in. If you can, whether they like it or not and most don't like it, at first...but soon they do like it...get them into a facility for THEIR sanity and well being. They need this as much as you. GOD bless. Hope this helps.

It was a step I needed to make with my mother, placing her in a home. For her well being and safety along with my sanity and marriage!!!! That became so much more. It gave her some what of a social life with others around her, besides me, all the time. Activities. She enjoyed the attention of all the caregivers. It was the best decision I could have made and it brought my marriage back to normal. I had not abandoned her, because I still over saw her care. I had inhanced hers. Don't wait to save yourself!!!

I feel your pain. I am one of seven children and get NO help with this awful woman living with me who once was a loving mother. My siblings do not call or visit her. I can barely stand being in the same room with her. She lives with me because the memory care facilities have become so expensive, (My dad was in one for 2 1/2 years before he died from Alzheimer's disease.) There are days that I feel my mother has sucked every bit of life out of me and I can't function. My own children were never this demanding! I feel numb all day because I don't know what awful thing she is going to say next to me.

My mom was going to a day program at a large assisted living facility until the Covid-19 shutdown. If you can find a day program, it will give you a little bit of a break. Plus, you will only need to feed her dinner and deal with the complaints about food only once a day.

You are not alone.

First, ginormous hug for you. Second, accept your red flags and act accordingly NOW! I am saying “accept” because we can ‘know’ things for years, a lifetime, but we cannot make necessary changes, or get over something until we accept the reality of it. Knowing=excuses; Accepting=actions. I have known my mother is a poisonous, black hole to me for a long time; and after 12 years and 2 rounds of self sacrifice of my entire life, sanity and soul, I have finally accepted that she will continue to destroy me as long as I allow her to no matter what I do or don’t do, no matter that I am her only child, and no matter how evil and wrong she is for doing what she does to me- I do not understand why she does these things to me and I never will because I do not roll the way she rolls, thank God. I do not have to understand it- I have to get away from it because I am not comfortable with nor do I like how I feel around it. If one doesn’t like the feel of a thong, one wears a bikini or brief, right? Well, my mother is a g string that’s about 2 sizes too small, therefore, I must find something that fits me better and I am moving into cheeky boy shorts next week! Woo hoo!
My mother does not have dementia or Alzheimer’s, she is very much in control of her mental faculties, which are selective and able to instantly be adjusted as per specific situations and those who are present; the only thing that is consistent is the unfavorable results her actions have on me. She knows exactly what she does, she is a professional victim and master manipulator. That makes it worse and has prolonged me from getting away from her because I just cannot believe why and what she does , I am her daughter! And that does not matter a damn to her, and she will continue to destroy me if I continue to let her. It is and has been a losing battle for years, one I will never understand other than understanding that I have a choice to let it continue by staying, or choosing what is best and getting away from the situation. We can only control and change ourselves , please do not waste all the time I did feeling guilty or making excuses, see things for what they are listen to your mind and body. And to the wonderful wise amazing family embracing you here on this forum and go forth my friend.

susan xoxoxo

I feel exactly the same with my husband. I do not want to put him in a home but I am barely getting by emotionally and physically. I know what you are going through.

Seriously, I could have written this! It's coming up on 4 years caring for my mom (she'll be 94 in September). I'm certainly not without faults, but the best part of me was always my compassion, caring and patience ... Yet whenever I've tried to explain why things she says hurts me, I hear "If you weren't SO sensitive about everything". or "You take things wrong cuz you're TOO sensitive".

She is narcissistic, negative, judgemental and mean, yet she sees herself as a wonderful person.

I've pretty much "toughened up" around her ... Definitely lost any compassion towards her. No JADE has become my mantra (justification anger defensiveness explanation) I take care of her needs but try to distance myself from her emotionally.

Good luck to you and although I don't usually post, thanks to everyone on here, you help me know I'm not alone!

I feel your pain. I have been going through this for years and my mother doesn't even live with me. She has lived with us on and off, but she's two miles away and even dealing with her as I do has pushed me to the limit. She's a bottomless pit of demands and criticism.

I hope you know that it's not you, that it's the situation and that virtually everyone would respond similarly.

I got really sick in February and thought I had COVID and could die and all I could think was that I was so angry at myself for wasting the last twenty years of my life caring for someone who is literally impossible to please. That was a wake-up call.

You deserve a life.

Thank you for sharing! I’ve been taking care of my mother for 8 years and I’m fighting feeling resentment.

OurOldHouse… you're being sucked into this "black hole" and you want others to know they're not alone. That's beautiful!! As you can see, there are many in this forum that want you to know that YOU are not alone.

But, listen, you've identified what your caregiving is doing to your life, your dreams, your relationships. We all reach our limits of caregiving. Accepting that responsibility does not mean sacrificing your life and your family's. If you continue, who's going to be your caregiver? Your devotion is exemplary, but your first commitment is to your family, or more specifically, to you!

None of us have taken any courses on caregiving for someone with AD. It's thrust upon us and we deal with it. No manual, it's all OJT.

Yes, your mom will eventually pass while in a care facility, but she'll eventually pass while at home also. Yes, you'll feel guilt in placing her, but you'll also feel relief in knowing that she's someplace where she's lovingly cared for. Remember, relieving yourself of this onerous responsibility and knowing she's safe, you are taking care of her.

God bless.

For those of us who have an elderly parent living with them, it is almost impossible to take the step of putting them into a “home” - especially if they have been with you for some time.....regardless of how much you would love to do so. Telling your elder that they suddenly are going to be “abandoned” by you and put with strangers is like telling them “I have stopped loving you and want to get rid of you” - they won’t see it any other way. As much as I would love for my father to go live in a nursing home, I know it would break his heart - and that alone prevents me from taking that final step (even though I think it would be best for him, the guilt would haunt me forever). I think my sentiments are probably similar to many on this site who are having a difficult time with their elder, but see no solution.

For a minute I thought I must have wrote this post in my sleep. After much thought about my own mother and why I would be put in such an impossible situation where it’s me or her, it maybe the biggest decision of my life. She conditioned me my whole life to put her first, now can I over come it and set it right.

Im not a kid anymore, I can put her in a good place and myself too tho that won’t be together. She’ll never be satisfied and I have to be at peace with the mother God gave me. Good luck in this very important decision, I know you’re strong enough to make it. You’ve already made it this far where most may not :)

I feel your pain and understand completely. My mum moved in with me almost 4 years ago and it was awful. She was so negative and depressing and an attention seeker and she sucked the life out of me. I didn't have a happy childhood and it felt like it was all happening again. She's never been somebody to help herself and always had a need to be a victim. She was living with my sister but when my sister passed away she automatically came to me. It's not nearly as bad now as I had to have strong words with her and her attention seeking didn't work with any of the family. I had to have counselling and anti depressants and I am desperate for it to all be over so that I can have my own life and freedom. Good luck and take care.

SAVE YOURSELF! ...before mom moved in, I KNOW you told yourself (your husband, friends, etc) you'd take her on for as long as possible. It's no longer possible. Period.
Place her somewhere convenient for you, but stick to a visitation schedule.
No more sucking! It's time to enjoy life, girl!
...If you find you can't move on, it's therapy time.

I tried several times to have my mom live with me. It would work for awhile but then she needed to entertain herself and the only way she knew how, was by stirring up chaos. I think you have done excellent going a year with your mom. The thing that helped me move her into assisted living was she seemed to "need to be like this". It was not that incongruent with how she was when she was younger. So, it continued at the ALF's with the caregivers there too. Then I heard a podcast that said the number one disappointment people had when they were older, was choosing to care for their parent over being able to have their own life. I did not want that to be me down the road. You may enjoy each other more, having the distance between you.

You are doing the best you can under a difficult situation. I had my mother for 10 years. This is what I learned. I could match the level of care that she needed. She had several times when she went to the hospital and rehab. I promised myself that if she needed more care, she would go to a facility. First three years with her in my home worked. Then there was a change. It was more difficult so I hired a home health person for 4 hours a day five days a week. Next I had to go out for 2 hour sanity breaks on Saturdays and Sundays. When she fell and broke her hip, I decided that I had to place her in a facility. I do not like nursing homes but have to say she ended up in a place where the staff was great. She had a PC dr that she trusted and I reached out to him so he could talk to her about her options. I knew that I could not do any more for her. I know that she was afraid to die and did not want to be alone. Reality is she was going to die and there was no guarantee when that would be. I did say goodbye to her after she was in a nursing home as part of rehab for broken hip. I left the nursing home at 10 PM and by the time I got home, she was gone. I am at peace that I did what I could but I am very aware of what I could not do. You can get her more help and check out the options. You can get information from her Dr. You can get your life back. You do not want to live in that black hole. If it helps you, you can make arrangements and be willing to let her adjust to long term care while she is still "healthy". This is not an all or nothing situation. You can manage it by accepting that it is a changing situation. Just get a good match. My prayers are with you.

My dear, I know exactly how you feel. When I moved in with my mother to look out for her, my life ended. The stress was worse than I even knew. After 8 months of 24/7 care, my body rebelled and I had a heart attack. It was minor, but in the hospital, when I thought about being discharged I started crying because I knew I couldn't go back to living with her. Luckily I had already started looking for a facility for her, and from my hospital bed I begged one of them to bump her to the top of their list and take her in. It's been a year now, and as her advocate and POA in the nursing home, I still have some stress, but nothing like before. I encourage you to find another place for your mom ASAP, before your health, marriage and/or family life breaks irreparably. My mom was very resentful at first, but Ironically, since she currently can have no visitors because of the virus, she has adjusted to her new environment out of necessity and has started to be sociable and settled. She's more lucid and tells me that she thinks I found her a pretty good place to live. So it may not be the end of your mom. Give yourself permission to send her away. All of us here are giving you permission. Take that to heart.

Can you post details of what behaviors are causing the most stress?

I also wonder if women are typically harder to deal with in old age, regardless of dementia. Emotions rule my mom and the biggest effort is breaking through them with logic. I don't live near her but am always on-call for remote help, etc.