Shell38314 Posted April 2021
My mother passed away today.
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I woke up this morning and found my mother passed away during the night. She wasn't a very good mother as most of you know. I am having very mixed emotions.
I want to thank everyone for being here with me during this very difficult time in my life. I could not had made it through without all of you. Thanks for the advice, your words of wisdom, for your honesty, for the laughter when I wanted to cry. Truly, none of you will ever know just how much you did for me. From the bottom of my heart Thank you!😢💔
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Haven't seen you around the forum for awhile. How are things going? Hope you're doing well.
I shared the events because I felt the need to and hoping that it may help someone.
My mom was with me Friday, Saturday, and Sunday then she went on to the other side. That Saturday night, I went into her room to feed her cat and I could feel & smell her standing next to me. I know most people won't believe me and that has been my lot in this life. It was so weird and wonderful knowing she right next to me. My mom's energy for the last 10+ yrs was so chaotic that it would drive my anxiety into overdrive. Seriously! But that night it was peaceful. Perhaps she stuck around to make sure I was okay! I'll truly never know.
Weeks before her death, I told her how my life was as a child and as a adult. I didn't do it to hurt her nor did I do it for her to take responsibility. I did it for me...it was my truth...a truth that had to be told. She dumped her crap on to me all my life and I decided to give it back to her. Whether she took responsibility or not didn't matter. What did matter is that she stolen most of my life from me and I wasn't going to let her steal the rest of it. Sunday I found a second note in her Bible address to me. She stated how sorry she was for everything she did to me & that she loved me. How she wanted me & my SO to have a good life. I believe that she was truly sorry for what she did; however, I don't believe that she loved me. Not because I am unlovable, but because she didn't know what love is. When you said, "she has a lot to learn" you would be correct! But she gave me a great gift...she gave me closer and I am thankful for that! I don't need any signs from her because I am good. I have forgave her and I am making peace with what she has done to me! I am letting go of the pass and looking into the future. I am free...free to be me...free to be who I am...free to do anything I want...for the first time in my life, I am free to think of myself...I am free!!!
I too believe that we see & feel the effects we have made on other people & their lives, good or bad & I know she will have to see & feel what she has done not only to me, but to my brother & my dad and others she has hurt. But God is perfectly Just and HE is perfectly Merciful as well. She is in His hands now. I pray that she will have peace that she never had in this world.
I hope in telling my story that others will learn from it!
Polarbear, you will never know what your kind loving words has helped me. They gave me hope, a feeling of understanding, a feeling of love...a friend! You are the best bear ever!!
As far as my gift the jury is still out on that one! The last few years, I felt so many negative entities that it made me sick! Seriously!!! The more my mom became negative the more she was attracting negative entities. Of course they feed off her negativity, but they also feed off of people like me. It really sucks! Once the house is cleaned out I will do a cleansing. I haven't felt anything since she passed, but I will still do a cleans!
Thank you Polarbear!🐻❄️🐾🐾💜
First, thanks for sharing the details of the events in the days leading up to your mother's passing, and of days after that. You have a special gift as you're able to sense spirits.
I've read a lot of stories about Near Death Experience, and Shared Death Experience (people who are near by or attend to the dying share the death experience of the dying.) From what I read, when we die, we get to review our lives, usually the significant moments (hence the saying: "I see my life pass before my eyes.) Not only we see those moments through our eyes, we also see them through the eyes of those people whose lives we affected, both positively and negatively.
Most importantly, we get to feel how they feel when our actions affect them.
Shell, I believe your mother must have had her life review, too, and she must have felt what you felt all those times when she mistreated you and were cruel to you. She must have. She must know how you felt and how bad she was to you.
Your mother's spirit is still around, perhaps, she isn't ready to leave you. Perhaps, that's her way of showing her attachment to you. I really believe that the message, "I am going home", you found in her bible is from your mother to you. Hopefully, she will leave soon.
I know you are still hoping that she'll send you a message of love, but that maybe too soon to expect. The core of what we are, our personality, doesn't change abruptly just because we leave our physical body behind. But in time, it will. There will be things for us to learn and relearn in the spirit realm, and your mother will have some learning to do. And when she's ready to apologize and tell you she loves you, you will get her message.
For now, it is your chance to live your life free of caregiving. Enjoy it and be happy. You deserve it.
Thank you for sharing your story of your last day with your mom.
You are a good daughter.
My sympathies as you walk through this time of grief.
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
HUGS 🤗
One day at a time! Sorry for your loss!
May any sweet memories of your mother and may memories of your own goodness and strength bring you peace. *hug*
This big change will take time to absorb fully. Be kind to yourself. With time, her last face will be just one of many images you remember, not the only one.
"I told her that I forgave her.." This is brave & beautiful.
Makes me give a big sigh & a smile. That right there is your new connection to her.
She knew that you loved her. You didn’t even have to say the words. Your actions spoke louder than any words.
All of your feelings are perfectly normal and you certainly have a right to feel everything that you felt previously and what you are feeling now.
We care. You can write as long of a message as you like. No apologies needed, ever!
Sending hugs, love and prayers your way.
Take care.
I feel that I need to write my experience about my mother's death...
Tuesday night, I got mad and frustrated with her and said some mean things in my moment of anger, which now I regret...
Wednesday, her and I didn't say to much to eachother, but I made beerbatter fish and fries and she did eat a little. Later that night, she told me she wasn't feeling good. I knew she was dying. I could feel it in the air & I could smell it & I could see that she was eating less and sleeping more.
Thrusday, she got sick to her stomach around 9 a.m.. This was nothing new. She had been throwing up on and off for years. I thought nothing about it. She stayed in bed as she usually does, but this time no T.V on and again she has done this many times. I heard her use the toilet around 3 p.m.. I checked on her somewhere around 6 or 7 p.m.. I watch as she round over with a wash cloth on her face. But again this was nothing new.
Friday, I woke up and said, "oh Lord give me strength today because I will need it. I know she is gone. How I knew I don't know, I just did! I got up and walked out my room and went to her room. I opened the door & I was shocked. I knew she was gone, however, I went to make sure and she was ice cold. I looked at her hands and face and she did not pass peacefully. Her left hand was clinched into her blanket & the other one was in a fist. Her eyes were closed and her mouth open as what happens in death; however, she looked scared (for the lack of a better word). I came down stairs and told my SO that my mother died. I made me a cup of coffee and took two drinks and went back up stairs to my mother's room and kissed her on the forehead and told her that I loved her even though she didn't love me. I called 911. The fire department, police, and the EMTs all showed up. I told them where she was and they went to her room. A minute later a firefighter came down and told me she was really gone. Asked me a bunch of questions then I was questioned by one police officer. 10 mins later, I was questioned by another officer. I was crying, but not the real crying. The kind were the tears run down your face and your nose is running, but you still can talk clearly. A officer called the funeral home that I wanted and I was able to make her cremation arrangements. Yesterday was cloudy; however, as they took her out the front door the sun came out & it was so bright as it shined through the front door. I called my aunt who is married to one of my mother's brothers and told her that my mom died...
Friday night, my SO went to bed & around 10 p.m. I started to sob...I cried because I was relieved...I cried because I felt guilty...I cried because my heart broke for her...I cried because any chance of having a different relationship was gone forever. I started talking to her out loud. I told her that I forgave her & that I hope she forgave me. That I did love her very much and all I ever wanted was for her to love me and for me to take care of her & that we had a better relationship...then...I could smell her and my cat (who was in the chair w/me) started batting in the air & meowing as she was looking up. The smell was so strong and lasted about 10 to 15 mins then it was gone!
It is my belief that my mother was sleeping and had a heart attack. Her clinched hands would be a sign of pain then death came & took her out of this world.
I couldn't sleep last night because I could not get the image of her face out of my head...
Sorry so long! Thank you for reading!❤
I know what you mean about the support generated here as I have benefited from it as well, even when not my posts. The challenges my parents are generating of late have caused me to have very mixed emotions, including a heavy load of guilt. They both just seem to generate more and more work for me when my life feels out of order...outside of the sanity of my pup. I hope things go as easily and gently as they can for you. We are all your witnesses to knowing what a good daughter you are, so do not have any regrets. You did your best, which is all any of us can do. Sleep well and be at peace. Just because she is gone doesn't mean you can't answer posts here or let us all know how you are doing!
big, big, big hugs.
Sending you love and a huge hug.