My sister hates me for living out of state...

Although this discussion hasn't had updates recently, I did want to chime in here.

I was a bit dismayed by some of the responses, esp from some of the "sisters" in "similar" situations. Redirecting your own anger or relating your own situation into this one isn't really productive. I have no sisters, but my two brothers are useless and mostly non-present. However, this sister HAS been helpful excluding 2020 due to the virus, by spending 4 months doing the care needed and taking care of the paperwork and finances. I would have been ecstatic had my brothers even visited! Less flak from them would have been helpful too. So, I am also the "one" who takes care of everything, but had to learn to let the anger at them go. It was counter-productive and wouldn't change anything.

While I understand the angst some of you have, taking a few minutes to ask questions or consider suggestions rather than dumping on the OP based on your own experiences would be more productive and helpful. Some comments were fine, others were really not. It is one reason why I reached out privately to the OP.

Rather than "chime in" here, I addressed the OP via PM. Without going into all the details, in the end it turns out the big issue was that mom had an infection in her mouth, which was causing a lot of the recent issues. I had highly recommended OP post a comment, to let everyone know that things have more or less been resolved, but she hasn't done that. Perhaps she wasn't comfortable coming back to post anything - I wouldn't be surprised!

I don't feel it is my place to do that, but dealing with the run-on issue with home-care warriors and facility deniers made me think of this discussion often too, and how some were "judging" the OP. Please BBKjets, forgive me if I'm overstepping here, but this was the result of getting mom treated:

"...mom for now, has bounced back to the woman she normally is. My sister and I were able to "make up" and have a good heart to heart talk."

Hopefully all is still well with you BBKjets, and hopefully you haven't sworn off this site. Some people just get a little too wound up!

To whom it concerns: Before jumping to conclusions, perhaps try asking questions or making suggestions instead of taking your own frustrations out on this person.

Apologies to BBKjets for stepping in here. I hope you don't mind.

Be sure to read IamAmy's comment. It is spot on.

The difference between you and your sister is the varied dynamics each of you have re: control and response.

You have control of when and how you engage and can be proactive. That is an imposition, yes, but it is known to be less stressful than a constant reactive dynamic. This dynamic allows you to maintain a positive mindset. You can disconnect and enjoy your life.

Your sister has no control over 24-hour on-call, reactive care (again, known to be far more stressful, especially over time). Her dynamic can lead to depression, resentment, and a negative mindset (the brains way of protecting you so you aren't disappointed). All decisions for her life are dictated by your mom's needs.

Is there any chance that you could offer to step in for her, for a long (10 day or 2 week) vacation? You could tell her you are concerned that she is experiencing burnout, love her immeasurably, and want to give her a break for her to rest and recharge.

This immersion might give you a fresh perspective, her an overdue break, and both of you a fresh appreciation for one another.

It is a difficult situation, but surmountable.

Wishing you peace,

Heather Marriott
Crisis Coach
Nashville, TN

I think that assisted living might be the answer that will help everyone. Had a meeting with siblings regarding our 88 year old overbearing demanding mother that was in independent living. My mom doesn’t need a walker but has the beginning of dementia. She decided that she didn’t want to cook anymore. Had a discussion with siblings that mom needs to go to assisted living or they could do more. Needless to say that everyone decided that assisted living is the way to go. Mom agreed. She likes the food and activities and they take care of medicine, doctor appointments. It has taken a great deal of pressure of my sister and I.

I hate to say this but often when there are siblings and something goes wrong with a parent or another situation, all hell breaks loose and you see the real side of the other person. Sometimes things can be fixed but sometimes they can't. Only you can determine what to do about it. Please face the fact that some people can't be good caretakers for often valid reasons and if there is no caretaker, then the person must be placed so the rest of the family can be preserved. If nothing works out, and your sister continues her resentment and her hatred for you, as much as it hurts and is wrong, you may have to decide to walk away into your own new future without your sister. There really is no other way.

What a terrible situation for all of you. If you have the financial means, or your mother has the means, insist on hiring as many paid services for your mother as you can. It seems you have tried that, but it is time to insist. Secondly, if your mother needs to be in assisted living, this is a conversation to have with the insurance company providing the long term care insurance. They will send a nurse to assess your mother's real condition. My mother could also perform most of the activities of daily living (dressing, feeding herself, showering), but was incapable of cooking her own food, was very unstable because of a bad hip, and could not remember to take her medicine. She was approved for long term care insurance payments. You may be surprised at what the long term care insurance will decide, but be firm in your attempt. Do you telephone your mother frequently? Perhaps some of your sister's stress is that she receives a lot of "complaining" phone calls from your mother. If that is the case, see if you can take that off your sister's shoulders. In my opinion, you are doing everything humanly possible to help with your mother, but you do not have to regret your choice to live out of state, nor change your whole life now due to your mother's situation. It is also entirely possible that your sister is really unhappy about something else in her life and is using you as her punching bag. Don't fill that role, and don't take on undeserved guilt.

I am a full-time caregiver for my mom with Alzheimer's disease. My father died from Alzheimer's 28 months ago and I was his power of attorney while he lived in a memory care facility 3,000 miles away from my home. My mom lived 20 minutes from my dad's facility. My 6 SIBLINGS lived either 20 minutes, 45 minutes, 90 minutes, 2 hours or 4 hours from my parents. I spent more time with my parents than all my siblings combined! I flew across the country to be with them and so did my husband - one of us tried to me there 3 out of 4 weeks each month. I managed my parents health, living situations and expenses. I moved my mom out of her home without any help from my siblings although when I asked if they wanted any furniture or items, they came and took stuff and then left me to deal with both my parents - my dad's Alzheimer's was very advanced. I moved my mom and dad to live with me 19 months ago where my dad was able to die peacefully in my home, in bed next to my mom. My siblings resent me for being with them! Yes, they resent me! I am only disappointed in them, but do not have resentful feelings toward them. I feel hurt, not hate. However, they HATE me and completely splintered the family. I don't get it. I was told by a close friend who also happens to be a Priest that said my dad's funeral Mass that he sees this type of family dynamics all the time. He said that Guilt manifests itself as Hate. He said their hatred is stemmed out of guilt and possibly jealously that I was assigned power of attorney. I never asked for POA, as a matter of fact, I thought my brother was going to be POA with me, but once we got the paperwork as my dad's Alzheimer's got worse, we discovered their choice. They was also a huge issue in which I had nothing to do with. You cannot change someone's feelings. If they would rather feel hatred than love, that is their loss. I know how deeply it hurts, and how many tears result from that pain, but in the end we cannot control their thoughts and harsh words. I try to look inside my self and say that I am doing the right thing and that it is sad that they chose the path of hate over the path of love. I miss my family.

What state are you in ?

I was the sister. I was the live-in caregiver for my dad with Alzheimer’s. I only did this for 8 weeks until my mom was released from physical rehab following a broken hip. Mom is his full time caregiver. My sister lives and works in the same town where my mom was convalescing, a 1 hour drive from their home. My sister went to work everyday and spent (what she calls) blissful, happy evenings with my mom. I got pictures from her, proof of the bliss. Meanwhile my dad, the sweetest soul I’ve ever known, was driving me crazy. I wasn’t used to doing everything my mom did full time. Here’s a few things I wished my sister had done and the things I wish she hadn’t. I’m sure she could produce a list about me too but we managed to come through our difficulty intact, if not closer for the struggle in the end. Emphasis on, ‘in the end.’
I wish she hadn’t used social media to update her friends and family about what a nice time she was having with my mom. 
I wish she hadn’t sent me pictures of her and my mom laughing and having a great time. 
I wish that once in a while when she called me that she would have validated the obvious; that this was very difficult for me. 
In short, I developed issues I never knew I could have. Anger, resentment and a loathing for my sister. Thank God they were temporary because I couldn’t stand myself for having those feelings. It’s likely that your sister feels much the same way. When she’s tending to your mom’s needs, she’s imagining what you’re doing at the same time. You're getting up and going to work, coming home to a normal routine at night, sleeping undisturbed hours and living your own life. But your sister isn’t, she can’t. Even though you handle your mom’s finances and phone calls it’s not at all what your sister faces day in and day out. 
So keep exciting news of your life to yourself for now, and even mundane news. Give her the praise she deserves. Listen to her and let her vent because she really needs to vent. Never tell her to settle down or get a grip on herself. Don’t be condescending (although I’m sure you don’t intend it that way)by offering to hire help for her, she’ll tell you when she needs it. Tell her how grateful you are that she is handling this hard situation. Tell her you admire her loyalty and dedication. 
Just give it a try, I’m willing to bet it will help.

You cant be a team when you live in different states. Did you make any sort of commitment that when Mom got to a certian point you would move?
These problems happen more often than you think. If your sister cant accept that you live out of state and you are unwilling to relocate... well... not a lot can be done here. The best you can do is get on with your life, be supportive when you can and just move thru it. Hopefully after your Mom passes the wounds will heal. My wife went thru some of this with her siblings. She insisted on taking care of her Mother. As things worsened none of her siblings stepped up (2out of 3 live out of state) They could not or were unwilling to drop their lives and run back home to help. It is just how it goes. It is called life. Good luck

Sound like you need to decide / determine to stand your ground - do what you can as you can and have been in specific areas.
* Your sister is burnt out upon layers of burnt out. She is taking it out on YOU.
* Your sister needs to learn to take responsibility for how she feels and, if open to a discussion, decide together how to make this easier for her, i.e., hire others.
* You cannot change your sister. She has to do that.
* You may need to accept how the relationship is now. It may change, improve, or not. You may need to learn to let go (more).
* And, if you haven't done this yet 'do' see the situation from your sister's point of view (burn out/put upon, you have it 'easy street' due to distance). Give her reaffirming compassion and understanding for how SHE FEELS. This doesn't mean you agree with her; it means you hear her and are listening and validating how she feels. If this doesn't work / if she isn't ready for this, you need to back off and take care of yourself, offering to do what you can.
Glad you are venting with us. That's what we are here for. Gena.

I can see that you are doing the best you can with a difficult situation, Can I summarize the problems - as I understand them - and offer suggestions.

1 - Your sister appears to be overwhelmed or burnt out with caring for your mom. It is not about your mom's conditions, but about your sister's coping. If she is not willing to talk to a counsellor regularly or allow additional help, the situation will not change. "Venting" to you does not change the situation, and does not appear to relieve your sister's stress either. Next time she calls to "vent," decide on how long you are willing to listen (10 minutes?) and explain that you would like to listen for ______minutes and then discuss changes to alleviate whatever she vents about. She will either get onboard with finding solutions or stop complaining longer than you are willing to listen.

2 - Your mom has problems that require help.
If she can live mostly independently, she may only need home health care in the morning and/or evening for hygiene and dressing. If you and your sister check in on her daily via phone and visits, could she manage in an inexpensive apartment that was not assisted living? Can she get by/afford more home health care aide hours and less time with your sister?
If mom needs more help than I mentioned above and she doesn't qualify for residential facility, are you willing/able to move mom in with you? It appears all your sister's complaints are that she wants out of caregiving and would rather you do it. I understand that it would require a lot of planning, moving, and contracting help near you to care for your mom.
The compromise between those 2 options is to start conversations with the facility where your mom resides. Explain that your sister needs respite -and maybe to be relieved of caregiving responsibilities - and game plan with them about how to meet your mothers needs while your sister takes time off from caregiving. If you decide on this option, you will need your sister to work with you and the facility on this plan. She will need to decide if she just needs respite - and for how long - or needs to bow out of caretaking all together.

Beatty said it so well. Elders should plan for their own elder years and don't be so naive to NOT realize that they, at some point, will have to raise their hands and utter the words "I could use some help." Prayers sent.

You’re grieving a lot as she is. I have found when someone loses control and escalates expansively in their emotions, that sometime silence is the best course of a response. They may want you to talk, but just say “I am listening” until she settles down. Don’t play into her crisis.

Wow, this post really hit some nerves!

I am in a grumpy mood today 😠 & want a bulk order of common sense hats handed out on mass to the whole world.

Elders: plan now for your non-independace. Your daughters are not your servants. They may CHOOSE to help.

Sisters: if you want to be a hands-on carer, do it. If you don't then don't. Stop trying to guilt each other. What you do does not need to be matched exactly by your sister: either your live-next-door sister or your out-of-town sister. You have different talents, needs & lives. This I do more, she does nothing attitude is not helping anyone solve anything.

There. That's my rant over.

Wait. PS. If your buden is too great. Set it down & seek help. That's your responsibility. It is not up to others to read your mind & save you. Take action.

I mean no disrespect to the full-time caregivers. Your lot is indeed hard. I speak as the nearby one too. I do not expect the out-of-towner to rescue me. I must save myself.

I would be grateful if my sister helped as much as you are able.. My sister walked away from my folks years ago. Mom is firm on staying in her home, 3 hours from my house. At nearly 90 she is able to take care of herself and house( mostly), I realize that could change in a moment. With COVID mom has not had any Senior meetings gatherings and is quite bored and lonely. On the other hand my MIL is in an apartment in a retirement community and is not allowed out of the unit, and no one can visit... It is better for your mom to be in her own place as long as possible. If aides can help your mom and lighten the load for your sister, that is wonderful.... The loss of a sister is a hard thing... Good luck.

Reconsider what the aide told you. Mom has to have help getting in and out of the tub. So she DOES require assistance. Your sister sees mom more regularly than you do, so take her word for it that she needs 'assisted' living. Basically, she is getting assistance if you have an aide attending to her. Your sister is getting the majority of the calls from mom because mom knows she is closer. So your 4 months of duty last year have expired as far as pulling the weight. With covid, perhaps your sister is more stressed than usual. Cut her some slack.
You say you could be such a good team - but team play is all about everyone doing the same amount of work to reach the goal. That doesn't appear to have ever been the case if you weren't around.

Talk to mom's doctor about an evaluation to move her to assisted living where she will get more assistance. The wording of the evaluation should put the long term care in motion. It can only help in two ways - mom gets more attention and sister feels better about the situation. Do it before you really do lose a sister. The history may have a strain in the relationship, but it's always possible to mend.

Just to add...no matter how much you call and do from a distance, your sister is at ground zero so to speak. She will be the one who has to deal with any immediate crisis or need. You can hang up the phone and distance a bit by virtue of you being physically "away." She cannot. She does not get that luxury. It may not seem like it, but there is a huge difference in lifestyle and emotion as a result. I am not judging you at all, and I know you are doing as much as you can from a distance. But I think you need to acknowledge that your sister has the larger burden, and make the effort to acknowledge that to her, recognize her added burdens, and continue to do what you can to help.

This post has left me very sad. I am the "dramatic" primary care provider.
I think I'll just go decorate my Christmas tree.

It sounds like you are trying to do all the right things. If your sister “hates” you that’s on her. It sounds like she is justifiably frustrated and resentful and burnt out and taking it out on you. But you didn’t cause her problems. I have to wonder if drama permeates everything in her life?

Have you thought about having someone from the assisted living come and do an evaluation? That’s what I had to do when deciding what type of care my mother needed. I also had her primary care person review her medical needs. My mother qualified for the VA aid and attendance pension but it took six months - so I would inquire about that ASAP. The assisted living may also know about the long term care insurance.

I read briefly through some of the other responses. I know you want to support your sister. But it may be time to have the direct conversation about what is practical without the emotion. Something like, “look, I’m not moving and can’t travel safely due to Covid. You need to put your frustration aside for a bit so we can address the issues and come up with some practical solutions to help you and mom.” If she still wants to argue you might need to say something like, “arguing is not a plan - I am going have to end this conversation because we have been here before. I offered some practical solutions and you refuse to work as a team.” You might remind her that your mother is only going to continue to decline and sooner or later calm and practical decisions will need to be made.

I’m sorry you are going through all this. Let us know if anything works!

You do what you can from a distance, helping with calls and financial matters. It might be good to look into a continuous care residence where your mother can start in independent living and they will move her to assisted living, memory care or skilled nursing if she needs it? My mother is in this kind of facility and they also offered an insurance policy when she moved in to keep her monthly expenses the same, no matter which area she was in. Perhaps they could take some kind of assignment from her long-term healthcare policy. You'd have to investigate this. In the meantime I don't know why your sister is not accepting your offer of getting more help from aides to assist your sister. You have done what you can by offering this to her.

I'm in the same situation. My sister lived 30 seconds away from Mom and never went over to see her, only when she "had to". She made it clear more than once to the family that she did not want to be the care giver for our Mom. I decided to move Mom in with my family and be her sole care provider. Now my sister accuses me of spending my Mom's money and complains that she has to "go through me to get to Mom". Neither is accurate as my husband and I pay for everything and Mom has her own phone. My experience as the baby of the family is nothing I do will ever be right or good enough. I've chosen to forgive her in my heart. Sometimes I have to do this multiple times a day. I've chosen to give up allowing my sister to control me, which is her ultimate goal anyway. I value my mental freedom. I'd encourage you to find that place within yourself. Peace and grace to you!

I am the sister in this scenario, taking care of Mom and Dad with 4 out-of-town siblings. My out of state sister deals with all the finances, which is a huge help. Dad had Alzheimer's (he passed away this summer).
One if the really difficult parts of being a caregiver is the constant thoughts of "are they ok". Everytime my phone rings, I check to see if it's them, any hour of the day or night. If a text comes in, I look. My phone is always near. Mom is a night owl and will text me at 2 am to say she is watching a great movie! Like a parent with a newborn, my ears are tuned to hear that, and I wake up. Because sometimes the message is something serious I need to deal with. I go to my painting class or my book club and never put my phone away, because Mom might call. And she often does. Again, sometimes it's something unimportant but it could be serious. So I go to social, enjoyable things, but never get to fully relax and enjoy.
That's the day-to-day reality of caring for a parent who is "independent " and it's the kind of thing that sucks your energy out. And the thing that is really hard for an out of town family member to help with!
I suggest you get in the habit of calling your mother every, single day. Not the quick "how you doing, ok, bye" call. Have a real conversation. Ask her about, or tell her about a movie or book. Tell her about your holiday decorating. Reminisce about events from your childhood, vacations or parties or funny family stories. Let her talk all she wants, people who live alone don't talk to others enough. Let her complain to you. Spend a half hour with her. If you can do it on facetime or portal or zoom it's even better. Stop your life for 30 minutes every day to spend with your Mom.
Several good things will happen. First, you will reconnect with Mom as a person instead of a responsibility. Second, it will take some pressure off your sister, because Mom has someone else to lean on, talk to, complain to, listen to. Third, you will realize how hard it is to commit just 30 minutes a day to Mom, on your schedule and that will give you a peek into what your sister deals with daily and not at her convenience. Fourth, your sister will see you making an effort to be involved in a hands-on way. Not just doing financials and paperwork (valuable yes, but at your convenience) but by committing time to Mom personally.
The last benefit will be that you get a better grasp on Mom's true situation. This info will help down the road when arrangements need to be made for further care.
And it might make it clear that you need to find a way to get there more often. There is always way, despite distance, covid, or jobs! Check out the Family Medical Leave Act. You can get paid for time you take off work to care for a family member.
Best of luck to you.

Hi. I am so sorry that you are having these difficulties. I do understand some of your issues as I was the out-of-state daughter for many years. You do not mention your own health or that of your sister. My mother is 96. Since your mother is 94 I would assume that you are roughly in the age range of me and my sisters. Few people under 60 really appreciate how the years rapidly change what we are able to do as we approach or pass 70. Perhaps you both are suffering from trying to do too much. It certainly sounds as though your sister needs a break. It may be a really good thing to encourage your sister to step back a bit. With COVID, you are making the right decision to not travel.

My question would be, if your Mom dresses herself, has aides who physically assist her when needed, and meets all the activities of daily living assessments, exactly what care is your sister providing? Is that care really necessary? What would happen if she simply visited your mother and did nothing but talk with her?

Although my sisters and I "care" for our mother, we mostly provide company, moral support and transportation. We are not physically able to do anything requiring lifting or other physical exertions. One sister does spend a lot more time with Mom, but it is her choice to do so. Bear in mind that nothing actually requires you to do anything at all for your aging mother, especially not as you reach the age where you may, yourself, require assistance with some of the chores you easily handled yourself 10 years ago.

The primary rule of caregiving is to take care of yourself, first. Be clear with yourself and your sister and mother what limits you have. If you are in a good place where you live and intend to stay there, make sure that it is well-understood that you are not going to move. If you are handling the finances and dealings with the bureaucracies of aging you are already doing a major job. My oldest sister, who lives further away also does this. It takes a big load off the rest of us. That sister also calls Mom every day just to keep her company. Do not let your sister belittle those contributions.

You may want to talk with a counselor about this and try to make a list of the things your are willing to take on and those you are not willing to take on, but bear in mind that as your mother will continue needing more and more you and your sister will be able to do less and less. You may want to encourage your sister to do less and let the professionals already engaged judge how your mother copes when she has a bit less support. It is easy to over-estimate how well the elderly are coping if there is a daughter doing a whole lot. Try not to let yourself be bullied by your Mom and sister and be sure to take time to appreciate your friends and neighbors. Sometimes they are more important to your overall well-being than family.

At first, I did hate my out-of-state siblings. I am the baby and the black sheep of the family, but when Mom, 93 now, needed care I stepped in and moved from out of state to be by her side. She has now survived 20 years! My siblings give what they are able to give, not very much. My sister gives Mom the weekly conversations filled with gossip and understanding that I am not able to give since I am with her every day, and I hate the need to talk for hours on end. My brother gives all the grief, so I'm safe from a lot of criticism. I have grown into the responsibility of caretaking and I have finally ensured that I am the decision maker. I have no complaints any longer. My fear is when Mom passes, then I am afraid there will be plenty of blame to go around all three of Mom's children, including me. More than anything, I feel so good about the love and effort I have learned to put into loving my Mom. I can feel good about Me. I could not care less what my siblings even think about me now, I'm good with myself.

A another sibling whose life has gone on without any need to deal with Mom, due to the distance/being out of state. And so generous of you to handle finances and take care of making phone calls as you sit on your fanny. Do I sound bitter? I am. Because the self-centered stance has been well demonstrated by my own sibling who has offered, oh so generously, to do exactly what you have offered. I mean, logistically what else COULD she do? Her finances are not such that she could come in every month or two to help clean, and god forbid she should exert any physical energy toward a task. And moi? I am the oldest, more responsible one as is so often typical, and a daughter no less. Our mother is also somewhat independent though she gave up her personal hygiene some years back, going on 4 this coming May. She also does not brush her teeth which has resulted in significant decay, an expectation of the dementia mixed type at 98. She is maddening to live with as she thinks EVERYthing is hers. We tried a fridge lock, she defeated it, just yanked it open with all her might. She has eaten huge containers of pickles in one sitting (yes I know, it reflects her not being watched well enough or confronted by her beloved husband or me who works part time.) A couple weeks ago she demolished 1/4 of a watermelon down to the rind.
Then we have dear old dad who is 103 and deaf and ignorant. When I complained about the fridge situation in the past week, and made a comment to the effect of how I could't take it any more, he whined back "I have nerves too!" "It's the way it is. I can't do anything about it. You'll have to get used to it". I also have to put up with both of them getting into MY food. This was intolerable prior, now it is more of an issue, as I am recovering with limited appetite from a near life/death illness. Yes, that's what your dear sibling could be looking at for all she is doing/being burdened with. I was rushed to the hospital when I really really didn't feel well, and had severe, unrelenting back pain at the time. It resulted in my being taken by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic (cost: $47,000---think how much in -home assistance that would cover people--and no I do not have it to pay) where I underwent surgery for what is nearly always fatal (think John Ritter, Alan Thicke) an aortic disection. It has been a huge challenge to recuperate, no matter how independent my folks can be. Just one example: My mother clearly clueless to what happened to me, didn't miss me the weeks I was absent, and continues with her typical obnoxious behaviors. Notes on food like "NOT YOURS DO NOT TOUCH" are deliberately ripped off and ignored. She COULD be drinking from the bottle so it has to be trashed. SHe is taking raw eggs, I think attempting to eat them, dad thinks she is just throwing them out. We have a chair moved to be near our patio door so I can sit as I let my pup out after doing the stairs...mother moves it back, when I have very limited energy to function. AND: sibling of late BLAMES me for what happened to me for ignoring my health, avoiding MD's, I should have known I had high BP, THEY should be stuck in an Asstd Lvg (whether it's good for either and they want it, regardless of financial implications etc. Comes at me with her selfish attitude that no one expects me to sacrifice my life yadayada. ANd rubs in MOST people do not live their whole lives with their parents. Never mind that she can avoid all of this, and do nothing. Taking over the financial stuff would only add to confusion. She turns that around to say I HAVE to be in control so she knows I will not agree. To top it off when she rushed in because I was near death, she has now tallied up to the penny what SHE is owed for airfare and incidentals that came to $799.41, which included a couple meals for the folks!

I think it is great you are doing as much as you are. My dear sister lives in another state and would visit our father 2-4 times a year for a weekend or less, with some of her family. When the person I had hired to help me with Dad (25 hrs/week) went on a 2 wk vacation, I asked family members for help and my sister was the only one who stepped up to donate a week of her time. (She works so it was personal time off.) By Thursday, she was exhausted. For the second week, I had to pay my brother to get him to fill in for the aid (he was unemployed) and he did a lousy job. So I paid my sister as well. But at least both of them got to see the level of assistance Dad needed and the aid got a raise. Walk a mile in her shoes.

Something that nobody has brought up here is the true financial picture. You take care of the finances, your sister does the physical work. My mom turned 88 yesterday, has some dementia, but still lives by herself, for now. I am second oldest of her 7 daughters. Only two of us live in the same city, all others are out of state. I take turns with my older sister, every other day, going over to help mom. We won't let her cook anymore and she is ok with that. I handle all of mom's finances, which means being a signor on her checking and savings accounts. Since mom has money in the bank, we have set up legal documents so we both get paid for our time helping. Either we get paid or an outside caregiver gets paid. If the money runs out before mom passes away, Medicaid will still pay for help, either by us or for outside caregivers. My question is: why isn't your sister getting paid, either from your mom's money or Medicaid? It really takes the sting out of having to do so much. Our sister who is 3rd oldest, is the nastiest, most hateful person I have ever known. Most people who know her, feel this way. She is furious we are getting paid for caring for mom because she thinks she will eventually get some money from the estate, but not if it all goes for caring for mom. Too bad. It's mom's money and it should be for her care, and the caregivers should get paid. My sister and I know she is getting better care from us than she would from strangers and our mother who used to be an angry rage-a-holic, is now thankful we are taking care of her.

Have you considered paying your sister, out of your mom's money, for what she does? We have to keep accurate records of the time and activities, and might possibly have to use them to get Medicaid and VA help if she has to eventually go into a memory care facility, but so far, it's worth it. During this covid mess, the extra money has helped both my sister and myself financially. This can all be done legally, and it's only fair. It's a tough job being the physical caregiver. I know taking care of the finances is work too, but not even close to what it's like to deal with the actual caregiving.

Again, my point is about the financial aspect. Do something to help your sister get compensated for her time. Ask her if it would help her to handle it better. The help is available and it's fair.

I'm your sister. Or was, when my mother was alive. My sister lived out of state and went completely awol when both of my parents were falling apart. When my father died suddenly, she was on a plane home literally hours after the funeral, leaving me to care for my mother and everything else. I had such rage and anger at my sister that I swore when my mother died I would never speak to her again. I too felt I had lost a sister.

What I can tell you is there is no way you can really relate to the 24/7 job that your sister is doing. Your sister is hurt and angry and overwhelmed and exhausted. Caregiving is life ALTERING. The truth is also that there can be healing. My sister and I do speak and while I cannot forget her abandonment not only of our parents but also of me, I have forgiven her and want to move on and maintain a relationship with her. We're both working on it and I know it would make my parents happy.

Here's my advice. First, tell your sister you're sorry. You know it's not fair. You want to help. Visit. A LOT. As often as you can though in these times that's tough to do. Ask her, say listen, I want to help, I want to help her, I want to help you - tell me exactly what you want me to do - give me a list. And then do it. Don't make excuses. Well, I can't do it because I'm not there. GO there, get what you need and do it. Offer to bring mom to you out of state if she's going into ALF. If your sister thinks she needs ALF, she does. End of story. Maybe you can try caring for her daily in your home before you come to a conclusion about her care. Bring her to your home. I gave my sister a list. Here's these dates can you come take care of her while I leave town? Here, can you call this person about x,y.z. Etc. She did some but not all. She offered to take my mom to her but when push came to shove she said she couldn't do it. I pretty much knew she never would.

One other thing you should know. When my mother died after I cared for her, I felt peace. I felt love and I felt that I had done everything in my human power to care for her. My sister did not, in a big way - a much bigger way then she or I anticipated. The grief process is never easy, but for my sister it has been very complicated and 6 months later, she cries everyday and is really struggling with our mother's death. At first I did want to say, you reap what you sow buttercup, but I know that's not what my mother would have wanted and as much as it's how I thought I would feel, I truly felt sorry for her. So, I do what I can to care for her and listen to her and help her in her grief journey. Something I thought I would never be capable of. I mourn my mother and miss her dearly but I have a sense of peace that my sister does not. Regardless of your sister, make sure you are in a healthy place with your mother. Don't let your feelings for your sister get in the way of what you need to do/say/live for your relationship with your mom. And hold on to hope that things can mend with your sister. Trust me, after your mom is gone, you may really want her in your life.
Best of luck to you - it's never easy.

I think it’s very admirable that you handle your mom’s finances and that you gave up months of your time in past years to help your sister and your mom. But I have been in your sister’s shoes and I know know how caretaking can completely take over a persons life. Even when you helped for months, you knew you when you would go back to your regular life. Your sister feels like she cannot leave it. My sister would come for one week per year, sometimes 2. It was great while she was here, but I always knew that the bulk of responsibility was on me. I always FELT like the responsibility fell on me and I had no choice even though intellectually I knew I did.

For so many years, my siblings and others would say our parents were able to live independently, when they really were not. I was making deliveries, driving them to appointments, my husband was called regularly to help them get up from a fall. That is not living independently. My mother got terribly ugly with me at times when she was upset because of their physical and mental decline. Caretaking is physically and mentally exhausting. And covid has amped up the stress considerably.

When my mom entered al last year after a fall, it was really difficult at first. But after a few months, I realized I was actually enjoying spending time with her. Now that every conversation doesn’t involve an ever-increasing to-do list for me, I can see what a wonderful mother I have.

When I look back at how stressed and overwhelmed I have been these past several years, I know I have felt resentment toward my siblings and I am afraid I’ve been snippy with them at times. I’m so sorry. I realize that they simply couldn’t understand what I was going through.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when we were all on a group text and I had explained that I had a full weekend of unexpected chores to do at our parents house. They immediately laid out their plans of concerts and social activities. Twice I asked them to come help when one of our parents was in the hospital but both said they had to work. Never mind that I had just started a new job and have taken tons of days off in the last 12 years to take our parents to appointments, surgeries, and other hospital stays.

My siblings are not insensitive clods. They simply had no idea how much the comments could hurt when I felt like I didn’t have the luxury of planning fun activities for myself or my family due to constant emergencies with our aging parents.

several times one of my siblings has questioned my decisions about our parents. That really hurts. Please talk to your sister about what should be done for your mom, but please try to listen to her. It’s perfectly ok for you to set boundaries to protect yourself and not allow her to lash out at you. But please don’t withdraw your support just yet. You will both need each other soon.

Hello Sister, I can relate my sister and I do not speak anymore and were best friends growing up. My sister is very controlling and now POA I want to help but I am not allowed she does not even share their medical care with me. I feel so helpless and angry..mainly hurt. I am not sure I will even go to the funeral my dad picked her as POA without talking to me about it. I would suggest to visit more covid or not at least your sister wants your help.