Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Salisbury, I am with you. It's not ideal, but it sparkles and makes my time at home with my husband tolerable. Because I am happier, I can be calmer and more supportive. My husband too is happier because I'm not often morose and depressed. Does he know? I don't know, but he knows I'm there for him and doing my best to be a pleasant partner. None of this is ideal, but it is what it is, and each person has to find their own way. Thank you, Istuscany, for bringing up this sensitive subject. May we all be supportive and non-judgmental, helping to preserve dignity and kindness.
(3)
Report

Two comments: the first is that an internet dating site gives you the opportunity to make your situation clear anonymously and without embarrassment, from your very first post. Some sites let you clarify your education, religion, interests, and any hangups you have. Even being a very short man can make you feel pretty awful! That’s only one of the many issues that are easier with an anonymous approach to a large pool of people. You can start contact with letters or phone calls, to check out even more – even if you just talk about your problem with someone who is interested. It’s another approach to what you have just done on this site, but doing more than just venting.

The second comment is that many other cultures would deal with this situation by taking a second wife without divorcing the first. There might be ways with ceremonies and legal arrangements to make a second relationship seem more respectable than just ‘taking a mistress’. But first find a friend who might be any sort of helpful partner.

Best wishes
(1)
Report

This is a very tough situation. I gather that your wife is the "shell" of her former self, stolen away by the MS. This is similar to any spouse that has been afflicted by a chronic, progressive disease - ALS, Parkinson's, dementia.

I see nothing wrong with your having a "companion." But there needs to be full disclosure from the beginning. Who knows, there may be a woman out there who is in exactly the same situation - a husband in a NH who is a forever invalid.

While I'm sure there is not a 100% correlation, it seems that men are more likely to associate "intimacy" with sexual activity. Women are more likely to consider intimacy as something in the "emotional" realm. However, intimacy is NOT the same as sexual activity - nor is it the same as emotional connection. (Plenty of people engage in sexual activity without intimacy or emotional connection.)

So, I recommend doing some soul-searching to figure out which you are actually seeking from an outside relationship. Maybe it's not really sexual activity you want - maybe what you really are seeking is some type of "emotional connection" with another human being who understands you well. This can be achieved with a close friend who knows much of our history, such as a college classmate.
(1)
Report

Good ideas from many. I am certainly not in your situation, however having been through a not so nice divorce (he continued to make my existence somewhat miserable by telling lies, trying to subvert the children, refusing to pay, etc....) I can relate to some of your concern.

Where this is leading to is your concern about discussing your wife and care-giving with a new person or people you meet. Most certainly there are people who don't want to hear anything at all. There are others who will listen and have sympathy, but only for so long. They tire of hearing about it and will likely drift away. The best/most likely companions are those who have a shared situation. These people might most likely be found in a support group. I would recommend both social groups in activities or areas that interest you (you could still find that special someone AND have a shared interest in other aspects) AND a support group.  One allows you to thrive and grow apart from the care-giving (which will continue), the other allows you a safe place to perhaps share your situation and find others who have common interests as well.

You would still have to proceed cautiously to get a good feel for how these others are coping. If you (in general social groups) or both of you in a support group are spending too much time commiserating, it will stilt any relationship you build. You do not want to build it on that part of your lives. Yes, it IS part of your life and always will be, but it should not form the foundation of any new friendships and relationships. It will be easier to talk about your situation with others who share a similar situation, during those times you need to "get it out", but any good relationship would be built on other shared interests and activities - at some point your wife (and their husband) will likely pass away from these awful conditions and then what is left of the relationship?

So yes - get out and try to enjoy life. Even when your wife and others were healthier, there must have been times you did a few things on your own (even if it was working - you build some relationships at work too.) You can STILL care for and about your wife while she is still here, visiting with her, talking to her, whatever you can, whenever you can while pursuing some socialization outside the care-giving. Just getting out among others is good for you and once you can really delve into whatever the activity is, you can have some moments (or even extended periods) of time where those care-giving pains take a back seat and perhaps can be forgotten in the moment and you can learn to enjoy yourself and life again. Don't focus on finding that special someone - focus on reintroducing yourself to life and the world! 

Getting across that threshold, into the "normal" world, is the first step. If it eventually leads to finding that special person, all the better. You will likely at a minimum form new bonds with a circle of friends, perhaps from different walks of life. Life is/should be a series of circles with you at the center.  Circle of family.  Circle of loved ones.  Circle of friends.  Circle of co-workers.  Some of these circles overlap and intersect.  Others may only touch slightly, but you are currently stuck in that one circle.  You need to develop some of the others while retaining this one.  There is no sense in shutting yourself off from life - you are still young enough to participate in and enjoy life, without forgetting everything leading up to and beyond today. You have given up many years, sacrificing for those you love, it is time to make some time for YOU as well as those you love.
(3)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter