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Me again...


I took my mother to Dr and she passed dementia screening...so at least now I know that her constant arguing and challenging me on everything is just an exacerbation of her lifelong mean personality disorder. She is now fixated on not wanting to visit with family ..because I know she is jealous of the close relationship my husband and I have with our adult children and grandchildren. . She could never be bothered when my brother and I had our kids, because she should have never been a mother, and she kept my invalid dads family from visiting him...I have planned a surprise birthday party for her in the party room at her senior living and have had to enlist the receptionist in a ruse to get her out of her apartment. She will be seeing my brother and sister in law and grandsons and great grandbaby whom she has not seen in over 10 years , as well as my own kids and grandchildren. Too late to cancel or I would because I'm sure she will turn it into a s""#t show. This will be the last nice thing I plan for her. She is a miserable nasty antisocial shrew who has outlived her relationship with me and I despise and resent her ....Thanks for letting me vent.

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I wonder if throwing a surprise party is a little more about the party giver than the party receiver.
That can be fine if there are no expectations of how the surprised will or should behave.

Just my 2c...

Different - but when people 'drop in' when it suits them, I feel they should accept if I am busy or have other plans.
Maybe I'm just a bore who hates surprises. I'll own that.

I hope the party goes well. If it doesn't, just say *oh well* & send a card next year 😃. (She can't argue with a card!)
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True, her mom is who she is. Being aware of this keeps things in perspective, although I don’t think the OP has high expectations for this event. It may end up being a party that the guests enjoy more than the one being honored.

We all have our own characteristics. Some people like staying to themselves and aren’t very fond of gatherings in a group. Others simply push people away, due to their rude behavior and generally being miserable.

My husband’s grandmother was rude to everyone. She never passed up a chance to insult others, so naturally no one wanted to be near her. It was odd, because her daughter, my mother in law was an angel and her mom, my husband’s great grandmother was a sweetheart, who was very pleasant to be near.
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Welcome to the forum!
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Oh my goodness - I feel your pain! Just joined aging.com … thought I was the only one with these issues! God Bless You!
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Tygrlly1,

You’re very welcome. I understand how you feel. We all have had contrary family members! It’s not easy dealing with being a caregiver but these problems make matters far worse.
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Sorry you feel hurt, but if you could read objectively read the stuff you write, it sounds like you aren't terribly nice to your mom either. I always see red flags when I read things like "because I know she is jealous of the close relationship my husband and I have with our adult children and grandchildren." That's mind reading, and I've never met anyone who is actually any good at it. Who knows what's really in her mind?

We just received a 20-page booklet called "The Story of My Life" from my husband's aunt. Her husband of 70 years warranted two mentions -- the day they met and the day he died -- and her SEVEN children received no mention.

Some people are just like that. It isn't personal, so maybe just don't keep making it personal.

Why not just have a family get-together without her now that you know her wishes? I would think it's time to stop trying to make her the mother and grandmother you want her to be and let her spend her last years in peace.

I had a grandmother like your mom. She had zero mothering inclinations and she was a lousy judge of men, too. I just became a friend instead of a granddaughter, and it worked out pretty well.

Just try being her friend and stop the struggle. It might be good for both of you.
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Wow...thats a little harsh and very hurtful. Im not trying to get back at her....just trying to get the family together again after many years of estrangement before she dies. Sometimes people just want to be the bigger person and not have a motive! Your reply certainly is not helpful . By the way, the not wanting to visit with family was said to me today long after I planned the surprise party when I invited her to my house for a cookout with my out of town kids and grandkids. That was the ruse to get her to come out of her apartment for the party..which she knows nothing about...and everything has been planned and finalized.
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I hope it will go better than you expect.

But look. If all of you end up having the party in the party room while she has her own private party for one in her apartment, would that be the end of the world? Don't create a sh1t show by trying to force her to be someone she isn't.
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Thank youBethany ..it will just be family members, as she doesnt have many friends where she lives due to her meanness and complaining. There probably wont be any hugs...I just want to get through it! There will be something for her to complain about, undoubtedly....but it will be fun to see my brother , my kids and grandkids and sister in law and nephews..who have estranged themselves from her for years due to her nasty and negative behavior. Thanks again! God bless you too!
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Why would you plan a party for her knowing she'll hate it and doesn't want to visit with family? It sounds like you're trying to get back at her more than doing something nice.
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Thank you so much for your kind reply..it helps to have affirmation! My brother estranged himself from her several years ago due to her abusive treatment toward us as kids and my poor dad. My brother and I have had a relationship over the years and he recently called me and said he would be establishing limited contact before she passes,away, so I thought the party would be a way for family to get back together again. Last time I do this...guess I havent learned my lesson ...She expects my husband and I to go events at her residence, geared to 90 year olds and gets infuriated when I tell her no..we are not her social planners and have our own lives...I am 66 and my husband is 70 and we both faced life threatening illnesses in 2018, which continue to require treatment. She just had her physical and all blood work perfect....I have been doing this for 12 years, starting when my dad was still alive but mostly housebound..and the thought of her living to 100 makes me want to jump off a bridge! But your caring words made me feel better..thank you
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Vent away! I am glad that you are certain now that your mom’s behavior isn’t due to dementia. She may have some other sort of mental illness to explain her behavior, but no matter what it is, if she is just plain evil, selfish, or whatever it is, you should not have to put up with her abusive behavior.

Understandably so, you are reluctantly going through with having a party for her, but doing so, with low expectations of her being pleased with your efforts, and of her behaving herself. Good luck!

I don’t blame you for deciding that this will be the last celebration in her honor. I will say a prayer that all goes as best that it can for you. Do all of your family members know of her abrasive personality? I would prepare anyone who may not be aware of her negative outlook on life.

I am thrilled to see that in spite of the bad experiences that you have endured with your mom, that you have loving relationships. You are proof that regardless of the examples that have been shown to us, we can choose not to follow their lead. I have no doubt that you have been a loving wife, mom and grandmother to your family.

I admire people who break cycles. Keep your positive attitude and live your own life according to your values in life. You have done your best to be a responsible and caring daughter. You know better than anyone that you won’t ever live up to your mother’s expectations, because nothing is ever good enough for people who are self centered. They will drain every ounce of energy that we have. I am proud of you for seeing that your needs are equal to your mom’s needs and that you will not be going above and beyond for her. Good for you!

Wishing you and your family all the best! Take care.
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Yes, let this be the last time you do something nice for her.
Don't expect a miracle. Lower your standards to her just showing up. Then, maybe, a smile, a hug, and cake will put her over expectations and it will be a lovely day. Besides, other residents love a party.
God bless you.
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