Need some prayers for patience with high maintenance Mom's expectations and fears
Mom is scared of so many things that it's really starting to weigh on me.... our conversations revolve around her fears of going places, someone breaking in, someone stealing information from her computer, and the like. She's made poor financial decisions, saved $0 for retirement and is in something of a panic over money which is probably the major underlying factor, along with too much time at home alone to focus on herself. (I invite her to our house often but she's working on downsizing to sell her home and buy a smaller one closer to me, presumably so I can take care of her, which is not something I'm wild about but there doesn't appear to be much choice.) I have a brother but he's mentally ill and unavailable to help, also I'm not able or willing to burn through my own retirement savings on Mom since I don't have any children myself to help take care of me later on.
I know some fear is justified especially now during COVID (and I'm glad Mom isn't taking stupid chances like going places unmasked), but the level of mental energy it requires when all our frequent conversations are mostly me calming her fears is really starting to wear on me. Things aren't exactly peachy at our house, husband lost his job this year and we're tired of having to stay home, stressed from so much isolation and scared of COVID too.
Also Mom has taken on a really wonderful habit of telling me how much I'm going to miss her someday whenever I express annoyance or really anything negative at all about things she says and does. Honestly I'm really worried that one of these days the phrase "at this rate I'm not going to miss you nearly as much as you think" will come flying out of my mouth. It almost did this week when she posted a meme on Facebook along these lines hinting that I'm not as attentive to her as I should be, set to public for all to see.
This month is going to be extra hard b/c mom needs two eye surgeries, which legitimately are scary (cataract surgeries but combined with a complication too long to go into here.) Of course I'm concerned. But if I don't express what she thinks is the appropriate amount of fear bordering on panic (as well as practical care like cleaning up my guest room for her, having foods around she likes, that kind of thing), she gets really nasty and confrontational, telling me how selfish I am, I don't really care about her etc etc.
Of course it won't matter that I'm both paying for half her surgery *and* playing nursemaid for a couple of weeks during the Christmas season when I have some other things to do - which of course was assumed without my having been asked.
I just don't know what to do. I don't have a therapist mostly because I don't know who to call - I have ADHD which has complicated things in the past, since I have some hardwired psychological issues which often go along with that disorder. Guess I can try to find one which specializes in both ADHD and elder care, tho that may be a tall order.
Please pray for me to somehow get through this month without completely losing my mind!!
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Just spent a few hours cleaning out the guest room which probably will still have faults according to Mom but I obviously made an effort, so hopefully things will start out on the right foot.
Mom is on Medicare but it would only pay for a lower end surgery, apparently laser surgery is a better option for her condition which can have difficult complications (I'd describe it but it's fairly rare and I'd like to avoid a relative running across this post while Googling.) Part of me is angry she made so few provisions for her own care late in life but it isn't the end of the world that I have to pay for some of it - my contribution is around $1000 (not ten times that or anything), this isn't cosmetic surgery, she definitely needs it, and I would rather see her get the higher end surgery she needs than have to help deal with partial blindness or other issues if the lesser surgery goes badly.
I think suggestions to not let Mom wallow and to try to get her to talk to a counselor are both on the money. She has a counselor she trusts from a few years ago related to issues with my brother, I'll start bugging her to call him. Setting boundaries such as just not letting her get abusive are probably right on point also. It's just lots harder when she's really worried or upset about something, she seems to go to pieces lots more easily and I'm just not sure how much mental energy I have to deal with that right now. I'll just tell her to call the counselor if she starts going overboard.
Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply. 💙
I would get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist about her anxiety level.
And yes, you DO have a choice.
Nowadays, at almost 94, she's so anxiety ridden she's nearly non-functional. But she lives in Memory Care on HER savings, not mine, and when it runs out, I will apply for Medicaid to fund her placement in a Skilled Nursing Facility. Do NOT spend YOUR money on your mother's care and maintenance. Your husband lost his job............who's going to pay YOUR bills when there's not enough to make ends meet? Don't allow HER emotional abuse to wear YOU down! Recognize it for what it is and limit your contact with her. Frequent phone calls need to change to ONCE a day, max. Do it........you'll feel immeasurably better for it in the long run.
When my mother gets ranting about one of her meritless fears, I DO NOT play into it, ever. I feel like it's my job to talk her OFF the ledge, and if I can't, that's when the conversation is over & she's on her own again to deal with the issue as she sees fit. I've dealt with this behavior my whole life, and I don't choose to deal with it anymore.........at least not in large amounts. My choice; your choice too. She can live in fear & misery if she'd like, but you don't have to travel that road WITH her.
When she gets nasty & confrontational, telling you how selfish you are & that you don't care about her, tell her it's time to leave or to hang up the phone now, mother. I will speak to you at another time when you are in a better mood. That's what I do with my mother............and she DOES get the hint. Women like this need to be shown boundaries and limitations by US, otherwise, they'll walk all over us like doormats. It's not okay to do that. We don't deserve it. Our mothers are lucky to have daughters who DO for them and who care about them, regardless of whether they acknowledge that fact or not.
Stay connected to this forum where you will find people who understand what you're going through. Who can offer you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear you with. We all 'get it'.
Wishing you the best of luck drawing boundaries with your mother & sticking to them like GLUE!