I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
As a refresher: Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease, and has to have 24 hours care. He was removed from his home because he was a danger to himself, his wife (and she to him) and to others. He was wandering, and doing inappropriate things "with neighbors." It was sad to see him go to a Psych ward, and be removed from everything he worked for all his life and placed in one wretched place after another, and hospitalized twice. We visited as oft as we could, but lived 245 miles away. Every time we saw him would show great decline. It was heart wrenching. However, a break came in November when we were able to move him to the most wonderful, and beautiful Nursing Home, just 4 minutes from our house. He is since stabilized, and we enjoy frequent, almost daily visits. It has been a wonderful thing for all of us. My husband's Dad is my Dad's roommate with dementia, and both need to be where there are. Which brings us up to our current dilemma...
My Mom still lives 200 miles away, and is my legal ward. She has cognitive decline, and many physical problems. It is difficult caring for her from a distance, but we have been doing the best we can since January 2008. She called three days ago with recent test results:
1. She has a small cancerous lump on her breast that must be removed ASAP.
2. She has several cysts on her kidneys...
3. She has degenerative disc disease in her back, resulting in numbness and tingling in her legs, feet and arms, and possible surgery for that.
We were in the process of moving her close by, so she could be by her husband, but that is now on hold until further notice... It would be difficult to move her under these immediate heath threats and conditions! Which means, we will be traveling a lot more...soon! I will be driving 200 miles tomorrow to go see Mom. From there, one day at a time. Prayer appreciated. Thanks, Anne
Hey Austin, How is it going for you? You're in my heart and prayers as you all are. Neon
Neon, BIG HUGS! Naus
I have a brother to he can't even pick up the phone to call his mother, his wife said she would write me a long letter after the holidays but she didn't say what holiday and at this point I could care less If I hear from them again or not. Let your brothers walk a mile in your shoes than they will have earned the right to say where she should live. You have to make all the decisions and I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of including them. They made their decision to be commandant so let them play commander and chief some place else I know easier said than done but after two years of nothing from my brother, he can kiss my you know what, I sound more and more like my father everyday. Everyone is always so ready to tell you how to do it but never there when you need them. So fine in my situation I have taken the responsibility, I will be responsible for ALL decisions made hereafter, and no one better tell me I did it wrong especially when they can't help So if brother dear you happen upon this post you now know exactly how I feel. Live your little life and live your little dramas and don't think of anyone but yourself because you are all that matters. Sorry llg I guess I just needed to get that one off my chest considering they won't return my phone calls emails or write the letter after the holiday. Seems like your Mom is going back in time mine does that when she does talk its about her childhood her life never anything about memories she has about her children so I guess it's just as well, I don't feel like her daughter I just feel that she is someone I am responsible for and will take good care of her to the best of my ability until it is done. Took me a while to get there because I was hoping we would have some kind of relationship, but we never did and I am over that now. This is just another chapter in my life. and hers to so as long as she can walk, go to the bathroom dress herself, get the mail and get what she wants at the store and watch tv she is happy. of course, yesterday she told me I threw her boots out???? I didn't but everything she can't find I must have thrown away. Well gotta have somebody to blame it on. We can't pick our families and thats pretty sad sometimes. So its no big loss to me you can't miss something you never had, I've always relied on me and my parents have always relied on me, and when I did something nice they always had to call and tell me they didn't like it or they don't want me sending $h** they can't use or some such thing just do what we want you to do and we will get along just fine. ?? It's almost over. for me anyway and personally I will feel relief and gladness. Than maybe I can enjoy my life. Hope you all get some rest and find a little time for yourselves this week end. try to hold on than do what you have to do you are the caregivers you make the decisions and believe in yourselves that you are making the right ones. Regardless of what others in the family might think. neon
Please let me know about tech problems so I can let the proper people know.
Carol
llg yes you have to log in I usually read the messages log in back space twice and hit refresh than type and submit.
I hope things will change for you soon nauseated, Can he wash himself and feed himself, it might be time for a nursing home I don't mean that to sound cruel but thats what they are there for and as us boomers get older I am sure most of us will end up there, I have decided that if I have to go over to one I am going to take over activities or something and keep them people hopping. LOL
Adult daycare has been a godsend to me. I take Mom 3 days a week, about 6 hrs a day. She fights it, but seems to enjoy the people and activities when she's there. The staff is wonderful. I go to Starbucks, bikeride, see a movie, even go to my doctors when Mom is at daycare. Those 18 hrs are all mine and help maintain what little sanity is left. Believe me, at one point I was suicidal. Please everyone, seek whatever help you need. Don't ever let it get so out of control that you are at risk. It is hard to fight your way back.
Her suicide threat is something her son needs to forget about. That's a control thing, and it's controlling you, and he's letting it control you. If she needs a nursing home (and it sounds like she does) she will get hospice care there, you can visit as often as you want, but your visits won't be about cleaning carpets, they will be real visits. It will be a much better quality of life for all of you.
Adult day care likely won't take her with her incontinence, at least that's my experience.
Anyway, I think you are being controlled by your ex-husband as he passes the decisions and guilt on to you. Please do something. You are getting medical help for yourself, but you need relief from this and then you can give her the kind of company she really needs from you through your visits.
Carol
I hope you will have a good day. I took care of my mother-in-law with Alzheimers and she had the poop thing going on to and the pee thing, if necessary remove all panties from her drawer if she insists on wearing a pair fine but buy some adult pull ups they aren't quite as bulky as they used to be and put them in her drawer and I suggest in the bathroom to if you have room, I also had a small bucket with soapy water under the sink for dirty panties, I don't know about yours but mine would get it everywhere I used to ask her if she was a shit and spin I mean it was on the walls, shower curtain, sink floor, toilet, wall and that was just one bowel movement and as they get older they have more than one believe me. Good luck but Adult day care is not a bad idea and no one should feel guilty about putting a parent in the nursing home they aren't the looney bins they used to be. The ones we have here have all sorts of entertainment and the residents make friends and it really might be good for her like day care for 3 year olds. sometimes they make such good friends that it is good when they start to forget who their family are an don't take that personal if it happens its just part of the disease, watch the notebook, great story. But realistic.