I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Thanks
I love my parents but this is just not working!!! My daughter and I moved from Florida last year; my parents moved too because they couldn't afford mortgage payments and lost their house. (My dad was working a lawn maintenance business, but stopped doing it because he's to out of shape and he had 2 minor heart attacks that he didn't even know about)
I work and pay the bills, and my job doesn't pay alot so I never have any money. I know that I sound selfish posting here with everyone else having medical problems with their parents, but this is stressful too. I feel like my life is over and I'll be sitting with my parents for the next 15 years watching Wheel of Fortune.
My older daughter (that lives in Florida) is going to have a baby in June...I'm so excited!!!! I'm looking for a job in Florida and my youngest daughter and I are trying to move back so I can be close to my grandson. My parents are trying to guilt me with "what are we going to do", "how can we live", etc. I told them they could come back to Florida with us, but they want to be in North Carolina so I told them to get a place of their own. I feel like a terrible, horrible daughter.
My parents go to Ohio to see my brothers 2-3 times per year, so I don't think that they are as broke as my dad says. I think he wants a free ride.
I have a sister and three brothers, but they are no help.
Ok, I'm done. I feel better. I'm thankful for all my blessings, that my parents are still here and I can spend time with them. Thanks all for listening.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. My mom isn't as bad as your mom yet, but I don't look forward to that day either, so I don't envy what you are going through. It's going to be hard when I do lose my mom so I can totally sympathize with your situation. I just wish you lots of prayers and hope you can find a way to bring your mom home.
This has all happened so fast, our minds are still in shock. Now we're having to face the fact that I don't believe we'll ever get to bring Mama home and I can't bear that thought! I think we're just all living some kind of pretend life and when the reality gets too close . . . the tears and panic starts!
I lay in bed at night and think and think - but, it does no good. I try to figure out a way to bring Mama home, but my sister says that it would be too expensive. I was injured a couple of years ago and can't lift or pull so I'm not of any good to help with the physical duties. My sister can't do the physical part either. She thinks that we would have to pay someone for round the clock care. I think we could come up with a little over $3,000 a month for help, but she says that won't be enough.
When I talk to Mama, I forget sometimes about the dementia and for a while, it's just a regular conversation and then suddenly she'll ask if I've talked to Daddy today and then it's like someone jerks a rug out from under me! Daddy has been gone for over 10 years now. Sometimes she has a nurse call and tell me she's ready for me to come and get her and I fumble for words. All I can come up with is that we can't come and get her until her doctor releases her. Other times, she thinks she's been at home and wants to know when I'm coming as she's been cooking a roast all day. It hurts so bad! We play a fantasy game and I smile and laugh with her and we pretend to add food to the roast, etc., but there's no roast! Sometimes I feel like I'm falling to pieces, but I can't let Mama see or know that. She's always been there for me and now I feel like I'm letting her down, because I can't find a way to bring her home!
She's been at that place since early June and I wonder if she realizes that. Sometimes she'll tell me that she's never been in the hospital this long before, but I don't really know how long she thinks she's been there. And the worst part is, when I visit with her and it's time to leave and I kiss her and wave goodbye and then have to walk down that long hallway and out the door where I smell fresh air!! The guilt is overwhelming! I went out to eat a couple of weeks ago and as I was eating, I realized it was something that Mama loved and then suddenly I couldn't swallow. The holidays come and go - the sun shines - life goes on and seems to drag me and my sister along and we both feel so guilty we can't stand it! I ended up in the hospital a couple of months ago and it was stress related - but, I can't find a way to get rid or deal with the stress. If I think I feel bad, all I have to do is think of where Mama is and I could beat myself up!
I'm so sorry that all of you are having such struggles too. I do want to offer something I have learned. We were told by attorney after attorney that our Mother's house and assets would be going to medicaid to help pay for her care at the rehabilitation home. Of course we heard all about the look back period, etc. However, after some praying - I found an "elder" attorney which is different from estate attorneys, etc. Through him we found that because social security finally decided because of my injury a couple of years ago that I'm eligible for disability social security - I then became a "disabled" child (even though I'm an adult) which qualified me to be able to receive my mother's assets, cash and quit claim deed to her home with no look back period or penalty. This was all done even with my mother in the nursing home. He also filed through the VA and there is money because of my Dad being a veteran (even though he is deceased) to help pay for her care. So, please check out all avenues before giving up your parent's assets to the government.
In reading your posts, I see the strength - emotional and physical that it takes to care for your loved ones. Maybe I needed that to realize that it is impossible for me to be able to bring Mama home and take care of her. But, I still can't help but wonder if I'm missing some way some how that I could get help for her at home. It would mean so much to have her home! On the other side, I remember my prayers over the years for Mama to not worry and have happy memories and then I realize that even though Mama is in a nursing home - at times, she thinks she is at home cooking and taking care of her loved ones - so maybe, God in His mercy has blessed us more than we realized!
Thanks for listening! I'll be checking back to see how everyone is doing! God bless each and every one of you!!
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. I feel many here will identify with your feelings.
A few months back, I was feeling like you do now. From posting my feelings and listening to feedback, I feel like I have my sanity back.
One of the things I decided to do was put myself in her shoes from time to time. It at least helped me to be a little more patient. I also started changing the way I did things. Like, if the Velcro is driving you crazy, get snaps. When she is picking at her nose(dry skin) I ask if she wants her lotion. Or ask if she put her lotion on today. It tells me when she is nervous or anxious.
I am going to take a risk here and say something that I pray does not offend you, but hope you take a little time to think about. When people make deathbed promises it is a very emotional time for all concerned. And maybe I am getting into semantics here, but taking care of someone does not always mean living in the home. Sometimes it means to find the best place for your elder, making sure they are very well taken care of in a facility. Or finding a respite facility where she can go a few days a month and give you a break.
Possibly we have to make decisions based on the here and now, and not back then. Guilt is a feeling that is preceded by the way we think about things. Healthy guilt tells us when we are doing something that is not right.
The kind of guilt that leads to resentment, is not doing anyone any good.
You just sound so overwhelmed and am so glad you told us the way you are feeling. Feelings are not right or wrong, it is what we do based on those feelings that are healthy for us. We all need time away to regroup, breathe, cry, laugh, and kick a post.
I can feel how overwhelmed you are and I know how hard it is to get it together long enough to make a healthy choice. But you have done this much, and it sounds like you desperately need a break.
Just try to do one thing for yourself everyday. Take a walk when it gets too much. I go outside and look at the sky, listen to the birds, watch the baby calves. I realize I have a near perfect place to do these things, and am very grateful for that. But if I were stuck in the house, I would turn on the radio and dance, sing, and get my mind off things just for a few minutes.
Think about some of your options to saving your health and sanity. I found when I was trying to think of things to do to keep from going crazy some of the anxiety was gone because I wasn't so focused on the things that upset me.
When we are feeling this way it is so hard if not impossible to have empathy for how miserable our elders lives have become.
I pray you get some relief soon.Thank you for sharing how you feel. Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. God Bless
My mom has been faithfully going to church for a very long time so when she does do something out of character, I kind of remind her that it's not a very christian way to act. I don't exactly say it in that term but so far I have gotten my point across without hurting her feelings too much. Sometimes she will say or do something and I lovingly make a joke about it and then we usually move on to something else. My mom was very active and dependent all her life and I never thought she would ever slow down, but most of this has happened in the past 5 years or so. Her mom lived to be 91 I think, so I'm not sure how long we will have her and so I spend as much time with her that I can. I read that people with Alzheimers usually die within about 7 years of diagnoses or so. Well like you, I think that varies by case.
It is good to know I have a place to come to when things do get too much for me. I have one sister that goes to my mom's on Saturdays and does her hair and nails and gets her out for a while so it's not completely overwhelming for me, but you'd think with 9 siblings, 7 living close by, that it wouldn't all be dumped on me, but like I said, that's not really the case. I just feel sorry for those on here who have no help at all and I feel I'm being a little selfish after hearing what they are dealing with. I could just relate to a lot of their stories, especially the stories about the bowel movement conversations. LOL
Thanks again. :)
My mom has Alzheimers and when she was told she couldn't drive anymore, that became my fault. My younger brother called a family meeting about putting my mom in assisted living and when she found out about it, from a sister-in-law, who has a big mouth, she was mad and of course mom thought this was my idea as well. She went from being the loving mother I always knew to a monster, cutting me down with sharp words every chance she could. It hurt me so much to see her this way after all I had been doing for her. Everyone kept telling me it wasn't her but the disease talking. Well it didn't matter to me who did the talking, it hurt. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep until I made myself sick. I went to my doctor and after talking to him about everything that was going on he said considering everything I was going through, it was no wonder I was sick. He said a lot of it was brought on by stress. Well he put me on Zoloft and it really has helped. I don't feel the guilt as much and I have learned not to be confrontational with my mom. It has helped our relationship enormously, but it wasn't just me fixing me. I had to take control of the situation and not let my mom do what she was doing. I felt weird telling my mom to stop, but I did. She said she didn't realize she was doing it and she may have forgot she did, but either way I said it would stop. So from then on I remind her if she even starts to get out of sorts or I change the subject real quick. I* have found it has helped a lot.
My mom is 81 so I don't really know what stage she is in with her disease so if anyone else can tell me if this is going to get ugly again, please tell me.
I am so thankful I stumbled upon this site. You all seem like a bunch of very caring ladies.
Sandi
My mom and dad bother suffered for years, but five months after Dad let go, Mom did. And thank God, she did. She was more than ready. I feel their (healthy) spirits with me daily.
Carol
I just joined this community a few minutes ago and I read your message. I took a deep breath and felt hopeful. I am dealing with the same issue. Mother was independent and now she is like a little wet bird in bed. She fell and broke her hip in Sept. and has not recovered. It has been 6 months now. I feel such a sense of obligation and as you mentioned, very few people see it. I too am an only child so this is on my shoulders. She lived in Puerto Rico all her life and I brought her to live with in the states since this is where I've lived for 33 years and my children and their father are here too. My biggest concern is money as I lost my full-time teaching job in May last year and has not been able to get another one. I do part-time work and it helps with expenses. Mother's income is what is keeping us going and I am grateful. I understand your situation a lot and I also believe at when all is over, we will feel so fulfilled because she did this. But going through right now is scary at times. I already did the funeral arrangements for her, maybe in the back of my mind and I am trying to help her choose the white light and go on to rest in peace.
So I guess God is watching and whispering advice to me... because you confirmed it.
I am not trying to be mean ....I am just tired, frustrated, and I also have a few problems with pmdd( depression that comes on during pms) so this week is a tough one.
I usually deal better with things...and do let things slide.
And I pray that words stop hurting so much, because when they come from a person with the personality of " MADEA" and Fred Sanford" rolled up together...they not only hurt, but they paralyze ! Then , youre told your lying...I never said that.
I hope you all have a blessed day and I get over my grump I hate it when I get like this that means I give her my power she just don't know it. and don't want her to know it I just tell it like it is, try to use common sense and yes I have a lot of hutzpa too much for a tiny woman like me but size don't mean nothing did you hear that spammers??? LOL