I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I just read what you posted a while ago, today, 2/16/09.
It made me want to cry because I see my Mom declining too. I am single and my father has already passed away several years ago. I have no siblings living. I am alone caring 24/7 for my aging Mom. she can move around a little bit but someone needs to be here. Her balance is not very good and her legs are weak. I am trying to juggle Mom's diabetes as well as my own. I mess up though sometimes.
I never had a lot of friends to begin with, now I have none. I feel responsible for Mom. I cannot afford a home health aide more than eight hours a week. It is only then that I sprint to my own doctor for an hour. I race there and race back.
It takes me an hour to get there and an hour to get home. I spend an hour thus I have thirty minutes to breathe...while waiting for public transportation back to the station where I parked the car.
I cannot tell the difference between lazy and depressed. All I want to do is sleep.
All I do is clean up after my Mom, cook, manage medication, laundry, and personal bathing, not to mention getting dressed and reading mail to her too.
I do not have a life. And I am sad and ...well depressed about it. There is no one to help me...just out of pocket paid health aides.
Oh I apologize. I doubt anything I have written provided any support. I do not have any suggestions. As you can see, I am a bit overwhelmed with my own caretaking responsibilities. I hope something positive happens for you and your family. Best wishes...
just because someone has dementia and a continence problem doesn't automatically mean nursing home. Your uncle is obviously self-aware enough to know he doesnt' want to be there. The question is will you and your family be willing to do what it takes to bring him back home and if need be hire someone to help. If you dad isn't able to handle it alone - can you and others help?
The fact that someone doesn't smell & seems ok with the other residents doesn't mean much if they are aware enough to want to leave. I know how hard it is - I take care of my mom by myself and have for sometime. It takes work to retrain and help with incontinence and it takes patience and love to understand that what is easy isn't always the best.
Please understand - I have been a business manager for a SNF. I personally choose to keep my mom at home. I am single with NO help. So what I say is this - if you can make your uncles life better and bring him home do it. Facilities are not a *home*, and assisted living is not like summer camp where people get used to it and have fun - basically it sucks getting old, and not controlling your bowels and it sucks being put someplace when you are old because everyone else wants "their life back".
If you are at peace with your decision, that is great. But if part of you wonders maybe it is not his time yet. Remember that one day we all get old.
Take care
yes he is interacting with other resedents the aides there tell us hes doing fine. but when we visit hes really addamint about going home yesterday he had us my sister and I go to his room with him and he went in the closet and was putting on his coat. very gut wrenching. my dad is thankful right now to get his life back..we try comfoting my uncle telling him "the boss" (what he calls my dad) isnt able to take care of him like he was. was glad myy sister was with me last night, wednesday I visited and left in tears.
sorry going on and on again.
thanks for listening
It takes time for them to adjust to change. It sounds like this is the best place for him and it had to be very hard on your dad taking care of him. Please tell your dad how much I respect what he had done.
Has your uncle left his room? Does he get to associate with others,ect.?It will take time and lots of encourgement from all of you. Put yourself in his place, wouldn't you want to go home if you were confused and forgetful to begin with. He will be ok, and you all have made the right choice. Just be patient with him and yourselves and time will take care of his anxiety.
Hopefully he is getting to interact with other residents so he has company and distractions. Let us know how things are going.
Welcome to our sight of loving and caring people who have alot to offer.
I am sorry you felt hesitant to post, you will find this very supportive and non-judgemental place to put your feelings. That is one of the main things I appreciate about our sight, is not being judged.
You will find others that feel the way you do, and will be present for you. You have your hands full and was very glad to hear of your course and potential job. So you are a busy lady.......
Please keep posting and letting others get to know you. We are all different in many ways and yet the same. So again, welcome and keep us informed how things are going. God Bless.
unclle says hes getting good care, hes clean, doesnt smell, but wants to go home
we are fustrated....please help
Rest assured someone up there loves you. And we do too. We all have this wonderful, blessed place to come and have our feelings without judgment. It helps just to know we are not alone with our feelings and thoughts.
Take care of yourself. You really don't need her permission to have some time to yourself. I hope you find a way to have a little time off.
Let us know how you are doing. God Bless.
I hope we all take a minute to realize a Loving Power greater than us recognizes what we are doing.
My day has gotten off to a wonderful start. Thank you again for sharing.
Thank you so much for taking the time to keep us updated. Thank you for being such a strong , selfless person through this. You are truly appreciated and respected for all of the things you do in this difficult process. You always go above and beyond to keep everyone updated and informed on all the important things that happen with our family.
You are strong independent woman, and highly respected. You have always put grandpa and others needs before your own. I know that we don't know even HALF of the things you do for this family. Most of it probably goes un-noticed by most and only appreciated by some, and regardless- you continue to press on and continue doing what needs to be done. Without praise. A huge task was entrusted to you and you handled it with grace, tolerance, maturity and understanding. I just wanted to let you and everyone else know that You're AMAZING!
I sincerely hope that this event with grandpa is a wake up call for all of us and that everyone in the family will step up and do the right thing and what's best for grandpa. I know everyone loves him - and now- it's time to put him first. He has been an ever-present being in all of our lives and none of us would be who we are with out him. His health and well-being is a all of our responsibilities and we all should pitch in and help and be an active part of his life.
I love you, and thank you for being you.
Wow with everything that is so hard... God always put someone in my path to remind me, he sees me and is loving me throught them... hope with everything we all are enduring that you will be able to see you are not alone and loved...
If the elderly you're caring for is drawing SS off a deceased spouse and has had medical bills after Jan 1, you're in for a surprise. Those bills will be rejected. Don't know yet if this is a regional screwup or if it's nation wide but here is what seems to be the bottom line.
Medicare install a new computer system. Some genius who didn't test his software properly has their computers picking up the birthday of the deceased instead of the living spouse. Therefore, when a bill comes in and the SS doesn't match the birthdate, it gets rejected.
I've been on the phone most of the morning and the only answer I get is a total runaround but they tell me if you want those bills paid, you have to take a birth certificate to a SS office and basically start over.
Here's their logic. They can't make a change to the computer without authorization from the recipient. But, they DID make a change without authorization to make it wrong. They will not make the change based on what their files indicated in December. So, the policy of no changes without authorization doesn't apply when they screw up. It only applies when you ask them to fix it back like it was.
There's thousands upon thousands of businesses out there who won't get their money until they jerk us around with new paper work. There's millions of widows out there using their husbands SSN. Do they care? Nope. Their policy says................ How simple it would be for them to remove the deceased person's birthday and put it back like it was!! Their own files tell them that person is dead and when they died, yet, the public has to dance for them while they hope no one calls the press over their stubborn belligerence.
Support is great, however, so I'm glad you will have more coming your way. Please keep checking in, as these are terrific people, and knowing what they are dealing with can help you.
Carol
Thank you - you have no idea how much that means to me.
I don't know what is worse, losing a job & my credibility in this economy, or recognizing what type of passive-agressive person this caregiver was.
bless you & your day.
No advice, but will tell you I would come to work for you for free for all the times you have helped dig me out of the pit I get in sometimes. I will be praying for a good outcome for you. Cyber-hugs and sky flowers(balloons!!) God Bless