I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
The lady I have as a paid caregiver showed up very late after I called her, she said she didn't see why it mattered and when I was rushing to get my mom her pills and explained that this was the first day of a new job, she said "thats not my problem - I had to feed my cat & do other 'little things' " (really - you can't make this stuff up).
There has to be a better way. I am so tired of this - I am really sad. No need for advice, I just had to vent for my own sanity. There has to be a better way.
Carol
Before anything else - here is a great big cyber-hug, and some words of encouragement - you are awesome! I think we are all impressed by how much you care about your client..... which is why I worry when you get bruised by behaviour or words. Regardless of whether a person is a family member or professional (and sometimes its both), when we are isolated and provide the bulk of the care for someone on an ongoing basis it is easy to lose sight of what is going on. Your buttons get pushed, you feel bad, and it is a downward cycle. If it is not a relative it is harder, because there is a boundary that tends to get blurred. This makes it so easy to get caught up in emotions which ultimately is draining on your psyche.
I know at times when I am feeling frustrated, or just need a thank you I feel the same as you. Its just that once you respond - once any of us respond while we are upset it just escalates problems. I am glad that you were able to take a few deep breaths and walk away - posting your feels are better than acting on them. Fortunately we have all had those days when we almost say something, so if I was able to do any good, you have made my day.
It is great that you have had some time with a friend - just a chance to laugh and hang with a friend is the best medicine. Your client may not change, but I think you will be happier and stronger. From now on you are Superwoman - mean word bullets bounce off your chest! :-)
I hope you have access to a PC at your clients home - that way if she manages to get under your skin again, you can always shout out to all of us - we are there for you.
I was so glad to see that it was you who replied. I feel like you have always been here for me.
Unfortunately or fortunately depending on who is involved, the daughter was not even aware there was a problem. I won't go into that because it is not fair to her. But she was none the wiser.
I guess it is hard for me to detach sometimes because I am with her for weeks at a time with no visitors. And when this daughter comes in everything is different. She does not do it when the other daughter is around.
So I get very comfortable with things being more personal and I am all she has to talk to. I did not pull back professionally yesterday. I will have to put this in my "things to remember" book.
And I feel that I allowed myself to be blindsided. It really had nothing to do with her, just whatever head space I am in right now. No one there even knew I was upset. That's why I held it in until I could get on this sight.
And I know you have my best interest in mind. I look forward to you grounding me. Maybe this is one more lesson as far as my past is concerned. I can't change my past and have come a very very long way in transcending the affects. Maybe it is God's way of having me look at another level of that mess. That I can do on my personal time.
My best friend from down home came in last night!! I was relocated after Hurricane Rita, so don't get to see friends often. We are going to laugh the stress away, drink coffee until we can't sleep, and I'll take her around to see all the new baby calves that have been born the past few weeks.
It's a new day, and I will suck it up and go do my best today.
I am grateful for you Cat and like I said was so glad to see that you replied. I wish you and I could have coffee and laugh and talk. Oh well, being cyber- friends will have to do. Thanks again.
And Lazor, thanks for reminding me I am human. I do forget that sometimes from all the pressure I put on myself. So thanks for your encouraging words.
Im sorry to hear that your client was not nice to you. You are a lovely person who obviously cares alot. I am getting a sense however that it may be time for you to step back for a bit and look at the issue dispassionately.
One of reasons that family hire a caregiver is that it is mentally and emotionally exhausting, so I am certain that you can appreciate that her daughter does know her mom can throw out some zingers. But because you are a professional caregiver you must remember to step back and retain professional detachment - emotional issues from your own past don't have a place in your clients world, and it is inappropriate to venture into those waters.
Please feel free to vent and share here on this site - but please remember to remain detached. Just like the doctor, lawyer or accountant; professional caregivers are not only paid to care, they are charged with keeping things in perspective. I understand you are a caring person - that is part of what makes you a great professional caregiver.
But I can tell you that if I were in the daughters shoes I would be very unhappy to have this type of issue raised with my mother. Your client is who she is, her behaviour although personally hurtful *is what it is* a client establishing a boundary. I urge you to reflect and don't blur the boundaries between old personal / family wounds with a client in your care. Just meditate on it and I hope you gain some peace and perspective.
I hope you understand that I am suggesting this with love and good wishes for you.
Don't be sad and its okay to be angry. We are humans too
I was encouraging her to get her walk in before it got too much later in the morning. This has been an ongoing battle with her for over a year now. It was her ****ing idea to walk this time. I had decided I would not fight that battle with her anymore. When she wanted to walk, starting a week ago I was excited because she does so much better with her anxiety and stress when she is more active. There isn't anything she can't do physically.
Today tho, she acted so ugly and I let her get the best of me. I do not know why this being treated like a maid when her daughter is there gets to me so bad. If she treated me like a doorknob, that wouldn't make me a doorknob!!!! I absolutely hate it when I let someone have the power to throw me back into old childhood feelings.I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It takes me days to regroup and all I could do today was ignore her. I have an ugly mouth on me when I'm feeling attacked and so I have to set on myself hard to not say what I want to.
The ugly replies are still going thru my head. And I will have to talk with her about this, but not until her daughter leaves. And not in the next few days for sure. I know what she triggered in me and today, I don't know who I hate more , her for saying what she did, or me for letting her get to me.
I've read other posts about how someone is one way with the caregiver and just sweetness and light with others. Do not tell me these old folks don't still know how to manipulate and get a bunch of crap started.
I just felt very alone today and knew I would get to post my day and get it out.
Thank ya'll for listening, and allowing me a safe place to put my feelings. i will be ok in a day or two, but for now I am sad and angry. Thanks again.
My mother had a number of (UTIs). Took her in and found that she had a block in a tub going from kidney to blatter. As for stool, with all the pain meds that they take and some others make it hard for them to go. Ask the doctor what would be the best thing for you to use. We used Mirilax (sp). It seemed to be the only thing to help.
Try to take some time for you, I know that it is hard. Remeber good times. Much like our children our parents are growing fast. Lots of Love
Now my cat is sick! So not taking mom to the bathroom, cleaning up cat barf! Poor Kitty. I am of the belief that they can't help it so there is no point in getting angry about it. I do tell my mother she just went to the bathroom and sometimes that helps her and she says she can wait. She really can wait. Her pride is that she doesn't wet bed so every time she slightly wakes up, she thinks she has to pee.
My mother took care of her mother (this must be in our DNA..) and I recall grandma taking laxatives because she didn't "go" everyday. Of course she didn't eat enough to go. I watch my mom's diet so she gets enough fiber foods and if that doesn't work to prune juice does!
I figure my mom changed enough of my diapers so now she gets a return on her investment.
Julie Q
The family one - we're all on our own, but suggestions from others, and even just "having company in our misery," is so helpful. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Carol
My next beef is family members: My husband other 2 brothers are so shallow minded that they cant see what a lovely woman this is. I have left that problem to my husband because I can't deal with their stupid ways. They took this womans stuff and had a yard sale and sold things she wanted to keep. They said they talked with an elderly attorney and he recommended it also they talk to a pchyaritrice and said she need closure. They didnt let us know they did this until the poor woman came back here and she told us the next day in tears. I was so angry. Anyway now we have 2 brothers we dont even talk to anymore. One just recently married and she works at a hospital and she thinks she knows everything. It is just frustrating. They don't realize they are losing valuable time with this woman everyday. Oh and the daughter o my god she is a nut case in her self she is a prescription juncky. That explains itself. She has gotten better . She use to call her no lie 6 times a day. I fixed that problem got caller Id so I don't have to talk to her anymore.
Sorry had all this on my chest.
Most of you can find out what your state offers by going on your state Web site and finding "aging resources" or something related. Most often, if you dig, you'll find a phone number and you can talk with someone who can direct you to local funding or respite resources, if they are available. It shouldn't be so hard. Caregiver's are already pushed to the limit. But if we don't look, we won't find what is available. Maybe that is a job a sibling could take on?
Carol
Lazor has some good information and sample questions. I'd like to throw some opinions out there because unlike most jobs, caregiving is incredibly important, but the candidates are all over the place in terms of why they are CNA's or HHA's. My opinions are based on years of hiring people and specifically what I saw as core skills for aides in eldercare. I have had direct experience with paid caregivers in a SNF when I consulted as business manager for a SNF.
1. How do you feel about the person on first meeting - non verbal cues tell you alot.
2. Before the interview, let them meet your parent (or loved one) - - how the chemistry is will tell you much more than an interview.
3. I usually just chat for a bit - find out about their life and views on certain topics - make them feel at ease and take them out of interview mode.
4. Once they are comfortable you can have the common sense questions - solicit their opinions on how to handle different situations and see what they tell you.
5. After about 30 - 40 minutes the person will have dropped their guard. If they haven't - strike them from the list. You want to interview someone unguarded and un-scripted.
6. Ask them why they want the job? really....if they can't be honest you can't trust them to not surprise you later
7. Ask them about their past & tell them you will be doing livescan / background - is there anything you should know? At that point, they may feel comfortable enough to tell you the real deal in their personal situation.
8. If you feel good enough about them - get some references. Ask them if they are ok if you call one of them right now & pick up the phone.....if they flinch - red flag. Make that call & have a real chat with the refernce. (no one ever expectsthis...and it works) watch their face while you talk to their reference...if it turns out it is a buddy - ask them if there is something they want to tell you. If they have been fired - ask them, it may or may not have been their fault. But anger or unpredictable behaviour will crop up if you push them.....
9. Give them a math and logic test. If they cannot add or spell, you will have a problem down the road. Can what is the decimal for 1/4? Easy or???
10. By this time you already know about the person and then ask them what they think about you and the person they would be taking care of.
if all is ok - invite them back for a paid test day....
Bonus - if your family member or pet doesn't like them - take it as a sign they aren't going to work out.
Most interviewing is intuition and a delicate balance of getting to know the person. Many good people may have a black mark or two - many bad people may come off as perfect. Have fun, you are picking someone who you are trusting with a family member.