Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

I don't need to discuss this with a DON or administrator, as I am the guardian. This is my right, and responsibility as his guardian, to make sure he is safe and protected. They have only had him there for a few short weeks, and to make that kind of assesment is assinine. The caregiver made the remark when the sheriff coordinator was there, that they never had to check the batteries daily, or fill out a log sheet. This has all changed for a reason, and the coordinator told her this in front of me. A dead battery is no good for a missing person with alzheimer's/dementia. This has to be checked and logged daily, which means extra work for them. Let's put the politically incorrect BS aside, and look at what's in your face.

Hi Ladies - I want to add another point of view.
Nauseated - sorry to hear you feel frustrated. Perhaps now that your dad is *in a facility* you can gradually begin to unwind and relax a bit and move into the next stage of caregiving in which communication with professional staff is very important. The comment the caregiver made was probably well-meaning and made from her perspective. She has no idea of your recent stress, but can tell you what she sees - I suspect she shared that with you as good news.

Nobody is challenging your beliefs; but consider that you will be relying on these people to be open and honest with you - as they care for your dad. I hope that you can put the remark behind you and keep a good relationship with the staff at that facility. Its all too easy to fall into the trap of conflict with caregiving staff, which is why I am commenting. Once there is a barrier to communication, everything is harder and the whole point is to provide care for your dad while you get a bit of your own life back.

If anyone in the facility makes you 'upset' - count to 100 (or more!) and then go discuss your issue with the DON or administrator. They may be able to help mediate and be your ally in the event that there is a problem.

take care & be well.

My problem tonight - I went out to dinner and left Mom home with a caregiver - a new one and very nice. She refused to eat and when a friend called her she told her to get a hold of one of her granddaughters for her because I had left her with a neighbor. Before I know what is happening one of my daughters was contacted by another friend. My daughter called home and tried to calm Mom down. I think that my mother's dementia is getting worse but she is becoming very aggressive and obsessed with me. I had my husband sit with me so that the tongue lashing wouldn't be as bad. She even called me the devil on two legs. She said that I lied to her, I want her dead and out of the way so that I do not have to worry about her. She didn't eat dinner and was refusing to take her pills. The doctor gave her halodol to try but that didn't agree with her system and also made her balance and walking worse. She is directing all of her frustration at me. I know I am supposed to wear an armor shield but there is enough cognition and intelligence in her to make her remarks hit below the belt.

I had to force feed her some yogurt so that she would take her night meds. I've never done that before. She cried and screamed out and told my husband to help her. She told me I didn't love her and mistreated her after all she and my Dad had sacrificed for me. I calmly told her I loved her and she could live with me and I would help her any way I could but I was not her slave and I wanted to be able to go out to dinner with my husband. She made an obscene gesture with her hand and said that's what she thought of me loving her.

If she were in a nursing home they would sedate , restrain or abuse her with this attitude. I am getting all the help I can at home but I am so afraid she will wear out the caregivers if she transfers this behavior. Does anyone have any experience with any "calming" meds. Mom has Parkinsonian symptoms and I heard seroquel is effective sometimes.

Going out for a couple of hours is not worth this ordeal. Advise please.

Your father probably does not like a lot of other things - medicine, rules, etc. does that mean that you should get rid of those too? Our parents are like our children at this point. A five year old does not know what is best for him. The caregiver can tell you that he does not like it but telling you to remove it is out of line. I find that "some" people in this caregiving field are a little self righteous and all knowing. You might want to tell her that he may not like it but you know what he needs. Period. You do not need to justify anything to her.

Hang in there!

I totally agree. I too have no tolerance for stuff re: my Mother. I prolly would have slapped her he he.Then fired her. Hope everything turns out OK
CLL007(Cindy)

Thank you so much. The person gave me the impression I was just using it as a policing device. I wanted to slap her (sorry), I have very little tolerance lately when it comes to someone messing with my dad's well being, safety, etc.

Yes I sure do, He is your Father and U only did it for his protection and safety. The Caregiver should mind there own business. If the Caregiver still continues her behavior there are alot careing care giver's out there. Good Luck CLL007

Sorry folks, I'm going to vent here. I went to stop by the ALF to visit my dad, and the first thing one of the caregivers says to me is, "he hates that bracelet!". "I don't feel it's necessary", "maybe you can remove it in a couple of months". I had my father fitted with a device called "Life Trak", which will enable the police department to track him, in the event he should wander, fall and get hurt on a walk and not get help immediately, (we live in the mountains). I felt this was necessary, as I had to have the local sheriff's dept. track him once, as he accepted a ride from a complete stranger, had lots of cash on him at the time, he was mad at me, and was running away from home if you will. That was traumatic for me, and I vowed never to have to go through that again. Plus, as being an alzheimer's/dementia patient, they can become disoriented and get lost. I'm not a professional caregiver myself, and seem more aware of what to expect than this person sitting behind the desk. She tells me, "he always stays right next to me". She is the one who takes the seniors in the van on field trips. "I don't think the bracelet is necessary, maybe in a couple of months you can have it removed". This pissed me off, I had it put on for a reason, they are not his guardian, I AM! I think they just don't want to have to check the battery daily, and have to log it in on a sheet which the sheriff's dept. rep. comes out every month to check the battery and log sheet. Does anyone else have an opinion on this?

I'm so glad to find this site where we can vent and learn that other people have the same feelings and problems we have. My 89-year old mother has dementia and I never know what will happen next. I don't let her ruin a whole day. I take it an hour at a time. Good hours are spent with the following:
Loneliness: I join my "friends" as often as I can by watching some talk shows; my favorites are The View and Oprah. I can stay up to date with current events and often learn a lot about many subjects. I sometimes talk right back to them.
Hobbies: I have thousands of photos to scrab book. I find great satisfaction completing a page. I am not very creative or artistic, but I got the general idea from a couple books and magazines. I shopped the sales at craft stores so often, that I have plenty of supplies to work with. I do 8.5 X 11 inch pages so I can make color copies to give to friends or relatives. They love them. My mother and I have collected fabrics for years. Now I can make quilt tops and fabric bags to give to charities or friends. I work when time permits and don't put everything away each time I work. I have some space away from where my mother can mess up my things.
Library: I love to go to the library and look at the new book shelves. Always something I never imagined in a book. I have been bringing home large print books for my mother to read; that helps her a lot. There are many books about caregiving in libraries.
Physical activity: pulling weeds and cutting branches are therapeutic for me. Walking and looking at the the sky and flowers is great. If nobody is around, I can vent outloud!
Cooking: eat your favorite foods: healthy ones and sometimes a treat. My mother loves ice cream; she is so appreciative when I give her a popsicle! What a change.
Family help: Act as if you have an appointment. Tell them you need 2 hours to do something. Be willing to change the appointment to another time they can give help. Good luck on your private mission!

I GET IT!! I have seen my mom decline over the past 2 1/2 years now and in recent weeks more and more. She has LEWY BODY DEMENTIA and I had to sell her home last year and move her into out home. Daunting isn't it? I have changed so much and given up even more. The same person? No not any longer, some days I dont even recognize myself. I have taken the opportunity to get her into day care a few times a week thru Easter Seal program and very resonable rates. That gives me "ME TIME", Ican't do it all the time due to the fact that she may be having a really bad day. So it's based upon her when I can acually get out of the house and find myself and breath. I do alot of gardening now, I never knew I had such green thumb! I know that it is hard, I live it too, and non of us are alone. I dont have any family memebers who call on regular basis and when they do all they talk about is how great there lifes are and what they are doing next...really..who cares. Call and talk to your mother or in my uncles case your sister. People are afraid of what they aren't educated in. It's not airbourne, that there fear or they dodn't want to see what may happen to them. HUmans can be selfish....my family is I really have to say...when all this is said and done I will not have a relationship with my brothers or my uncles...I dont need people in my life that have zero compassion and that are selfish...no thanks. Any way hang in there and search out a day care or maybe someone in your own neighborhood knows of someone who can drop by for a day shift and let you enjoy yourself....take care and remember to find some laughter rent a funny movie or watch americas funniest videos I know it's not much but just try

Cindy,
Stick to your guns and make time out for you and your husband. Dinner out, an overnight, what ever you can manage. We are going away this weekend and I can't wait. Good luck
Linda

Hello to all, Havent been on-line lately but I too need to vent. My Mother bad behavior happen's every 3 to 4 weeks apart and My husband and are no longer putting up with it. My husband told her what he felt was going on and she has been great just wait until 3 to 4 weeks from now and she will be back to her self. I have learned to just walk away, it upset's me to the point I'm having health problem because of the stress. I understand what ea. and every one of u are going through and I will say my prayer's for all.
With Love CLL007 ( cindy)

dede my son comes first and I don't care who likes it period the end. God made you a mother as well as a daughter she had her chance at motherhood now it's your chance, I've always been the kind I can do it better and I will prove it and I usually do Don't know where that came from but you know what I am so glad I am me and not my mother. Hang in there and put your priorities in order it will work out and stay strong what you can't do hand over to God he can do anything!!

Roxie,

You have posted this many times, and I truly feel you. You must, as I've said before, take time out for YOURSELF. We get someone to come in, a girlfriend, and I pay her to sit with my Mom while me and my husband go out.

YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TREAT YOURSELF, ETC. When you want to go, call someone, in advance, and go. Pay them and be done.

Please take care of yourself. If not, this will continue on and on and on.

hi chatster yes I was going down that road chest pains high blood pressure now 30 percent blockage so decided I need time for taking care of me or she wins so now Ihave not smoked for sixteen days, take antidepressant and anxiety meds I have dealt with that all my life and thought I was doing a good job NOT so feel much better now and do not let her get to me I am so happy I found this site but if I had to do it all over again i would do what my siblings did nothing. well that being said I just didn't like myself for a moment. so will do the best I can with limitations and she will just have to deal with me like I deal with her. Indifference. I am not a door mat and even doormats have to be shaken every once in awhile to let loose of the crap. Have a good day

Although it has been almost a year since you first posted, I just found this site, because I am just now getting back to normal after taking care of my mom like you did. My time lasted 8 years. I experienced the same things, EXACTLY, that you described. And when it is all going on, there is very little time to take care of yourself too. Here's the kicker--if yu don't find health time for yourself, you may end up like me, with heart disease from stress, and in psychotherapy. I would recommed these 3 things at a minimum to avoid my state of health: 1) walk for 45 minutes a day 2) follow a healthy diet 3)seek psychotherapy now, or at least a women's or grief support group. And keep talking to this site to feel less alone..sending love to you...

I;ve already done that it is Tuesday or Thursday not messing up my week end, the druggest is on the way to work I drop the bottles off on the way to work pick them on the way home so I worked that one out. I do most things as normal she is the one that wanted to move in with us so not rearranging my life to accomodate hers its not like she participates anyway. As long as she is warm, gets to her doc, gets her meds, eats and has her tv she has evrything she needs I've tried hugging her at night I know people need human contact although I find it repulsive sorry but that's the way it is and she just now stays in her room never says good morning, good night nothing just stupid stuff. like last night I have a huskey and a shephard, they drink lots of water, she says don't you give your dogs water anymore i wanted to say no I'm doing an experiment see if I can mummify them but didn't I said of course, well one of the dogs brought there bowl to her empty I said couldn't you give her water? yeah but it looked like someone dumped it out it was dry?? well the only person there was my son he was outside building shelving for his room so she is going to try to start some kind of little drama with him being there. I said if it's too much trouble for you to give her water in the afternoon I will come home on my lunch and do it they are big dogs they drink lots of water , she does nothing will not do dishes, will not make a meal, ask her to dust she will not do that she does nothing but eats sits watches tv lays in the bed and asks stupid questions to try to get things started won't work,

dedestock
Can you screen your calls? Let your son have a good Christmas. Don't give in. I know it is tough, but you have us to keep you strong.
neon,
Can you tell mom that you will only be able to run errands twice a week. Give her the days and stick to them. Can you have prescriptions delivered? Every little bit of tough love goes a long way!

Linda

This is a sure sign of Caregiver Burnout and yes, depression.

Have you considered getting some help with her care to give you a break? Home Care Agencies, Adult Day Care Centers and Nursing Homes with Respite Care services may be able to assist you.

If she is a widow of a veteran, she may qualify for some benefits to help pay for her care.

It just seems that some of us have to battle for everything , I also think it is our parents attitude and personality. I also think whatever little independance they had they are afraid to give up. Mine is very happy just laying around eating and watching tv and surprising me with will you pick this up tomorrow, I need this by friday I need to go here I want this. so I try to stay one step ahead bought a white board and mon tue wed thurs friday I write get this do that get this do that or sometimes I write do nothing today this lets her know she has tried to change it around and I just say what does the white board say ?? there's your sign. Mine is 83 and I am 60 so same here and I can't do what I used to do

Carmen, it is a battle and a hard one. But stick to your guns or you will be swallowed up in this. Don't let intentional guilt trips get to you (yeah, I know, easy to say). But rewarding positive behavior and backing off from abuse generally works even with dementia. I'm glad you have help. It sounds like your mother won't like anyone who helps, as she wants only you, but these caregivers know that.

keep trying to take care of yourself, even when it's hard (most of the time?)
Carol

lovingdaughter~thank you for your advise. I agree that the special occassions seem to be an obstacle, but I don't know how to avoid it. She gives me the guilt trip about what is she going to do, how could I leave her alone, she doesn't have anyone else, etc.. She's already started asking me about Thanksgiving and Christmas and she is really "po'd" that we are going to be out of town over 4th of July, although she hasn't gone to fireworks withus for many years, she doesn't remember that (?) and thinks that she always goes with us... I don't know what to do about the holidays. My son, who is 17, told me last year that he would like to have one happy Christmas before he moves out of the house... isn't that sad?? No matter how hard I try to make everything happy, she will just wind up crying and/or saying something mean and nasty, or being tired... so therefore making everyone else miserable, but if I don't allow her to come, I will feel miserable.. I don't believe that God intended us to have to go through all of this and the day of our modern medication that allows people to live longer is a farce. People shouldn't have to live longer when they are miserable and make everyone else's lives miserable.. 100 years ago, I would already be considered really old (51) and there wouldn't be these issues.. oh well...I will work hard on sticking to my guns and setting the limits. Maybe by Crhistmas, she will have turned over a new leaf - LOL

Thanks neon! Why does everything have to be such a battle. I am willing to pay for anything help her any way I can -but...she's 80 and I am 48 and so she can't do whqt I do.

Carmen stick to your guns I find that its the strongest willed that wins these stupid battles, so far I'm winning. Unfortunately you always have to be on guard which makes it hard to relax most times but when I stay one step ahead I can get more accomplished and deal with mother better. Good luck yeah if my lungs get any louder I won't have to type you'll all be able tohear me LOL

Neon- keep up the good work and have those healthy lungs!!!!!

Dedestock- try not to invite mom to your special days with your family. She is set on ruining them, so don't give her the opportunity. When she starts, just get up and leave. Have your family set the boundaries with you. Stick to them. I know it isn't easy and it may take time, but it works. Take care.
Linda

A new problem that I am having is that my mother is trying to run off her new caregiver. The caregiver is young and kind and very professional. She does not have a lot of experience but is willing learn and work hard. My mother qualifies for a waiver program and these hours are free so we go through specific agencies. If I am not happy I can change agencies or try new caregivers. I am using the summer to try out different people. These"free" hours really help because I pay for all of the other hours since she needs someone with her 24/7. Today the therapist came to the house and was showing the caregiver some techniques in moving Mom. When they left Mom said unkind things about the caregiver - she's too dumb, she's too fast, she's too slow etc. I am going to stop complimenting the caregiver because I almost think it's defiance towards me. She continues to be very angry because I am clinging on to the boundaries I have set. When her behavior is positive I reward it but when she becomes hateful I make myself scarce. Tonight she had me captive taking her to bed and she began to cry and shake and it's upsetting to me so I try not to react. I couldn't manage her physically so I called my husband to help me and she stopped crying. I wish she could see that I want to help her, I am making sacrifices and I do love her but.....not on her terms. I spend a lot of time coordinating meds, docs, other services, caregivers, housekeeping for her but what she wants is control over my life. She's going to run this girl off but I will not fire her if there is no valid reason. I think if my mother is safe, clean fed - all her needs are met in a compassionate manner, that I will stick to my guns. She only wants me to care for her - I have to work when school starts back up.

Hey Austin the squeaky wheel gets the oil and so does the squeaky door. You go girl and stand firm. I'm pretty proud of me to. I feel much better physically and mentally You do the best you can and let God handle the rest, its a hard lesson for us care givers to learn but it is possible. What I can't change I hand over to God what I can change I change. Yeah social services, what a group they are always so willing to help strangers but never Americans Those that put the money in the coffers in the first place. But take what they will give and if you can't afford the rest well than you can't as they say can't squeeze blood out of a turnip the sad thing is with all of us boomers its only going to get worse, You take care and thanks for your encouragement I appreciate it so much. I am woman hear me ROAR!!

Well my mind is made up I want one really bad right now but I've made it this far it ain't gonna happen I am going to lick this thing I feel better already. Not just physically but mentally to because I know I am doing something good for me. Thanks for your encouragement it means alot

I tell mine how it is I live in the real world and its not always pretty. My mother on the other hand thinks she lives in fairyland most of the time I think anyway hard to tell. What a shame we all know how you feel cry if you want to I went thru a couple of months not to long ago where I was very emotional and I always want to hide the tears to why is that afraid to let some one know I might be weak. ?? Well I thought about that and I think it's okay to let someone see me cry I am human and cannot handle everything all the time for every one so once I figured that out I get a little more help from hubby and son and I feel loved. What a great feeling.

Try to remember it only takes 72 hours for the active nicotine to leave your system the rest is in the head. Mind wise, you can do it!! I dreamed about smoking for 2 yrs after I quit, 20 yrs ago. I smoked 35+yrs. You go girl. Frazzled