New Posters! Read this.

"Bridger46164" and "Llamalover47," -

I'm guilty of that - so sorry and I will keep that it mind!

Not every long post is a struggle, it's mostly the ones that don't put in any paragraph breaks while rambling on about several seemingly unrelated things at once that do me in - with some people I'm sure that half their problems are related to the fact they are poor communicators.

NobodyGetsIt: I don't believe that you are.

A belated thanks, disgustedtoo, after reading your comment about editing YouTube comments. I'll have to try this.

I've been guilty occasionally of posting a book. My bad!

But, I have on occasion taken the time to read a longer post and have been glad I did cause it was interesting and I gained something from reading it. Sometimes all I gained was a headache...............but sometimes it has been worth it.

Great thread, Barb!

To new posters:

Follow your gut. Don’t be afraid to disregard poor advice. There isn’t a one size fits all answer to everyone’s inquiries.

Everyone has individual circumstances. Some choose to care for their loved ones at home. Some choose facilities. Neither is right or wrong. You should decide according to what works for you.

Don’t feel like everything is written in stone. Your decisions may change later on, because your circumstances or outlook has changed.

Question things if you want a valid explanation. People that are genuine will not get upset if they are asked to explain.

Be very cautious with anyone giving advice that harshly criticizes your views. You deserve to be shown respect even if you disagree with them.

Most of all you deserve to be supported by everyone on this forum. Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs in the world!

I am going to say this again, because I think it's important.

I'd like to think that this is a supportive site. If you are bullied, or if you get abusive messages, please scroll to the bottom of the page to the "contact" email and report what has happened.

There should be ZERO tolerance for abuse here.

https://www.agingcare.com/aboutus

Try to substitute the word "grief" for "guilt".
Guilt belongs to felons who do malice aforethought, willingly and with glee, then expect forgiveness because suddenly they are struck with guilt. Guilt infers that you can change something but you choose not to do so.
Grief is recognizing you cannot fix everything. You are not omnipotent. You are not god. You are a human being with human limitations and the fact that you cannot possibly do everything to make aging and dementia without pain is real. It is worth grieving.
On a recent hour on NPR the subject of grief was discussed and it was said that guilt is often used to prevent our working through grief because we recognize that there is no answer in grief. That it must be felt and worked through.

Whoops, sorry. Thought this was a brand new post. So gave my favorite advice thing about guilt VS grief.
Now see it is an older post that I missed and just had a new comment on it.
As it's four packed pages I bet guilt/grief were already addressed. I Guess it bears saying twice; I feel so bad when good people feel inadequate when in reality they are grieving all the things they and their elders suffer.

Never, ever, EVER co-mingle your money or buy or rent property with someone who has dementia.

There are many sad tales on here of folks who thought they were doing the right thing by buying a house with an elderly parent in early dementia, or rented a place with a parent, only to have that parent decide that they are being taken advantage of, leaving and leaving the adult child holding the bag (and the lease/mortgage).

In life, do not assume that your parent is going to take care of you in middle age, or that there will be any inheritance after their care needs are taken care of.

Never hesitate to speak to a therapist. There is no shame in being confused in a complicated scenario.

We need to recognize that we are too close to a situation to judge rationally. We need an objective opinion to help guide us.

We all need help in getting over a hump sometimes. Therapy saved me from going further downhill.

I didn't really know where else to post this but as I went to post an answer to an OP's question, I looked at their screenname and was pretty positive I had just recently answered them. I did a quick search and found the other two separate threads fairly close together with at least one of them basically having the same question and in which I had answered at the time it was posted. I've noticed it happening a little more often and find it somewhat confusing trying to go back and forth and in some ways starting over trying to gather information from multiple threads.

I like how I think one new poster handled it - they asked their original question, read their responses and then came back to the same thread and gave more information a couple times. I know it still requires commenters to go back but, at least it's on the same page.

I don't know if there's any solution to it, I'm just saying that it makes things a little more difficult to keep it all straight especially if we have limited time to work with.

NobodyGetsIt, there are occasions when someone repeatedly starts new threads to ask the same question, or asks a new question and posts twice.     JoAnn29 is great at ferreting out these duplicative threads.   

But it can also be confusing, and wastes time while someone searches to find out if a very familiar thread has already been posted by that person.

There's another option, and that's for people who post often on a similar topic to use a database (in Excel) to keep track of their threads.    I finally started doing that b/c there were often threads to which  I wanted to refer to and searching was too time consuming.

I wish people would take the time to fill in their profiles because that can save a lot of miscommunication in trying tailor advice their circumstances.

As for the multiple similar threads - Sometimes people don't like the answers they get so they try again a few days or weeks later. And sometimes they aren't willing/able to make changes so the just keep coming back with the same issues. Very often new information posted to a continuing thread is never seen by the people answering because they can't be bothered reading previous posts or the OP has posted them as a reply to an individual so it's harder to find - IMO that could be helped if AgingCare would highlight posts by the OP the way some other forums do.

"GardenArtist" - I'm just glad I'm not the only one who finds it confusing/time consuming.

"cwillie," - I've wondered if that was the reason they do it i.e. they don't like the answers so they try again hoping different people will post something they do like. Also, the fact they aren't willing/able to make the necessary changes or maybe it's even just wanting to be told they're right or looking for sympathy.

As I mentioned, I know that even if the OP comes back to their original thread and adds some info., it would still be problematic just like you said and for the reasons you stated. Since I'm not on other forums and don't know how they handle things, I agree with how you think AgingCare could highlight the OP's posts like they do on other forums!

I sometimes thing a lot of our questions come from "not real" posters. Have you noticed how many come in with a question in the title line. Nothing further. Brand new. No profile filled in. Do not respond and never come back? To me that is highly suspicious. Now who would do this I can't imagine? Someone wanting more questions than are really showing up? Someone with multiple emails? I honestly just can't imagine. But Social media is so odd in general, who could know.

"AlvaDeer,"

I have noticed exactly what you are talking about.

And as for Social Media - that's why I'm not on anything other than this forum and that is as far as it's going to go - it's more than enough for me!

GardenArtist explained the"sock-puppets" further back in this thread.

Wait for it....

Some will be showing up soon, offended by anything I say that they will have something to say.....

Sock-puppets!

And trolls.

Nnobodygetsit, I think that sometimes newbies post the same question a couple of times because they can't find the original.

Depending on the settings you have on or off, how long it's been since someone posted, etc. The thread can be a bit buried.

Then AC will arbitrarily change questions to discussions and that creates confusion.

I have been here for a couple of years and it is cyclical of drive by posters. Fortunately the answers are mostly helpful to others, so no harm done.

"Isthisrealyreal,"

Thank you, that point I would not have thought of - them posting a couple times because they can't find the original post.

I'm not sure if I'm understanding your second paragraph right or not.

I have seen when AC moves some questions to discussions on many occasions so I understand that.

And I've also seen many, many times what you said about some answers are more helpful to others than the OP.

Thanks for the explanations!

If you have the setting to receive notifications of answers turned off, you may not easily find your post.

That is what my 2nd paragraph is referring to. That specifically and other settings that change your experience with what you get, how you get it and stuff that I don't understand but, I know when I change settings I am sometimes lost on finding information.

U r welcome.

Hello:
Thank you for checking in with me as you are very nice folks. I'm now working nights in a temp job. Once done with this job, I'm back to seeking new work, so that's why my posts are turned off until further notice.

Patathome01

Hailey, I agree with your comments in part. But what do you mean by status.

I do understand what you are trying to say but, I'm not sure in what aspect i.e. is it because you think that as a "care"(giving) forum people would/should behave in a more of a "coming together" and caring way? Look at it like this - in our own daily lives interacting with people in person whether it be at work, school, the store and yes, even at church - this happens all the time and has happened since the beginning of time. That being said, how much more so would it happen with all kinds of people who are from all over the country communicating anonymously on a forum? I'm not saying it's right, just that it is.

You've probably have been on the forum longer than I have. What I've noticed is that for a long time I saw basically the others who've been on the forum for a long time too posting and now I've seen quite a few new people join or else I've added a couple new categories on my profile page which is exposing posters I've never heard of before. Sometimes I think it's an adjustment for some to accept that their are new ones who are having input. It's no different than being the new kid on the block, new kid at school and so on.

You are right in your statement everyone has the same right to post on this forum as it belongs to "AgingCare" and no one else can stake a claim to it. It doesn't just happen to you. I've read enough comments from people who have posted a question (something I've never done) only to see some of their responses to a person who has given advice feel taken aback by what was said and some who have left the forum altogether etc.

There have been many times I would liked to have "joined in" on a discussion thread but, sense I would not be welcome as it's between others who go back and forth between themselves. I also know what it feels like to have followed a person's story with genuine concern, may have even sent them an occasional PM asking how things are going only to be completely ignored. I've even seen something else that's kind of funny (funny ha, ha - not funny, strange) but, I'm not going to go there.

So with all of that being said, I've learned to just move on and go about my day - because I do have a real life which does involve caregiving and honestly don't have time to worry about the "why's" from complete strangers.

I'm sorry that this is still a "sticking" point for you and hope you can just keep doing what you want to do in regards to the forum!

Why have some comments made on this thread earlier this morning been removed?? They called no one by name and were simply observations by newer posters. Maybe we really aren’t wanted.

??? Bridger

IMO there's no rhyme or reason to what the admins allow or disallow, some stuff I've found very offensive has been left while many report that innocuous comments have been removed.

In response to the question regarding why posts have been removed, a message was sent to the user, in essence stating that warning new members against using the AgingCare forum is not productive to other caregivers. Those who are no longer finding support here should not return to disrupt continued use. Posts that are created with the sole intent of being disruptive or divisive will be removed. In our opinion, that is not the original intent of BarbBrooklyn's thread, nor helpful to caregivers in need of support.

Hailey and Bridger, I was listening to the Gorillaz earlier, they have this song "Bill Murray." I honestly have no idea why people love Bill Murray besides Zombieland, I cannot stand the guy. Have never seen an SNL with him or even Ghostbusters. He was in a movie called Groundhogs Day which I have seen about half of so I do not know how it ends but I know situations just repeat themselves and you learn.

My advice would be not to get discouraged and ignore. Hell, from the get go, my BFF called me a troll.

Everyones view and perspective is important so do not feel bad. There are good people here.

I think people misunderstand the Biblical commandment to "honor" a parent.

By my reading, it means not to dishonor or embarass that parent in the public square.

It does NOT mean that you need that you need to give up your livelihood to care for that parent.

Barb,

Great point about the fourth commandment!

There is also a scripture that says for a parent not to provoke a child.

Where is Smeshque? LOL
Sorry, I can’t say exactly what book of the Bible it’s in. Smeshque is fantastic at quoting scripture. I should have looked it up before posting.

Anyway, it’s an important scripture that made an impression on me and it certainly isn’t brought up as often as the fourth commandment.