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I must say I am spoiled. I knew my marriage was strong 37 years ago. I have posted my MIL had a personality disorder that I didn't realize that was what it was till this forum. My husband is the middle child of 3. Each son handled their Mom differently but they all respected her. My SIL was the girl next door. So she knew my MIL the longest. I think that is why she handled her so well. She was told by a neighbor, who was an RN, that my MIL had a sickness that caused her to be the way she was. She was passive-aggressive. Also, she had a tendency to lie. I think the boys knew from early on how Mom was so they learned to work around it. From early on, they were given freedoms because they were boys so they were rarely home. I always said it was a good thing she didn't have girls. Only one SIL showed her disrespect, if you want to call putting her in her place disrepect. I was the one living in the same town so got the brunt of her lies so I just stepped back. She could be very nice but when she didn't get her way look out. And thats what happened 37 yrs ago, she did not get her way and blamed me and the fault was my husbands. He admitted it was his fault not mine and stuck up for me. So I knew after 5 yrs of marriage, that I would always be #1.



A month before she died she was in the Hospital and Rehab a 2 day drive from us. We went down and met with the other 2 brothers. It was decided that after this UTI, she could not live alone anymore at 92. No one was willing to relocate to be near her. So, she was being transferred to a rehab near #3 son and POA because he lived the closest. After she did rehab, it would then be decided which son she would live with or near. My husband said nothing and either did I. I guess DH thought the way I did, wait and see. The decision never had to be made. When she found out that she would not be going back to her house, she willed herself to die and passed the end of that month.



I have always wondered what my DHs decision would have been. We took my Mom in but I had already decided it would not be longterm, just waiting for the house to sell. She ended up being placed in an AL. I was telling him about a post on AC and he said, "we never would have had a parent living with us. So wouldn't have that priblem." So I guess that means MIL would too have been placed. I think he new MIL and I would never have been able to live in the same house. So again, his Mom would have found out that I was #1. Its a nice feeling.😊

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I'm spoiled too! And happy to be so!
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My hubby and I recently talked about our role with his aging parents. They aren’t bad people, just have always been very uninvolved and uninterested in our lives and our now adult children’s lives. We used to, years ago, try really hard to get them involved, but long ago gave up. They’re becoming increasingly lonely. Hubby said we’d have no role at all in caregiving for them. It’s kind of sad, but they’ve truly done it to themselves. I know exactly how hard caregiving is from what I did with my parents, and that was never live in. They were close to us in every way, involved in our lives, active grandparents. So I can’t imagine the role of caregiver with people we’re not close with, and am grateful for a husband who sees this and prioritizes our relationship and home. He’s a keeper too!
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Geaton, It was a post from the other day. Talking to him about how people don't seem to be able to say No to a parent when it comes to them living with them. Thats when DH said, it would have never happened with us. I have learned one thing from my DH, lets just wait and see. I think that was his attitude with his Mom. I am sure none of us wanted our MIL living with us. But my husband did not chose that time to say it wasn't going to happen. He was just going to wait and see how things went then make his position known. It was just nice to know that having her in my home was not going to happen, long term anyway. And by waiting it out, no one had to voice their position.

Good Communication, is hard when ur DH is almost deaf. Words get missed or miss interrupted. But he believes that any big decision is discussed between us first. So coming home and telling me out of the blue that MIL was moving in would never had happened. It would have been discussed first. I would have said why it was not a good idea. Thats what happen 37 yrs ago. We were going on a 2 wk vacation and MIL wanted us to allow an Aunt and Uncle to use our house. I told my DH it was his Uncle, who I loved, but I did not want the Aunt, in my house and why. So he told his Mom No. Of course, I was the bad guy and she came to my house screaming at me. DH stood up for me. Yep, I picked well the second time around.
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Yes, it *is* a nice feeling! Kudos to your man, and to you for recognizing a "keeper".

What inspired you to write this post now since it doesn't seem any of these events were recent?
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So nice to hear how good communication can be.

I suppose my DH & I never discussed it when younger, but then when we did very quickly agreed. 2 definate no-nevers & 2 maybes. It's been updated now to no all round.

My Uncle used to say he's go live with his daughter. She'd just laugh & say it will be lovely for you to VISIT. He's say I'm not joking. So would she. He'd say he'd bring his bags & stay. She said she'd drop him & his bags at a local Motel after one week. It never had to be proved either way as he has now passed. A long life & a quick end. That's the way to go!
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Your DH sounds like a very grounded guy.

I recall that when DH and I met (2nd marriage for us both) at age 49 we BOTH stipulated no parents coming to live with us.

Unfortunately, young people don't always get this stuff sorted out.
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