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Helen,
Vent here.
Solve problems here.
We will all listen to you.

Do not vent to kids. They will throw you under the bus and exaggerate everything you ever told them.

You can also talk to a professional, financial planner, geriatric care manager, or a counselor.
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I can’t bring myself to say “I’m sorry for your loss” when clearly the death of the person brings much welcome relief to everyone including the deceased.

I don’t feel sorry, and I don’t think it’s a loss either.
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It is a loss. So many caregivers grieve deeply and just not sure what to do with their lives after a death of someone they have cared for a very long time. For me mom passing was a relief, she was suffering so. Not all caregivers are able to process a death that way.

Rather cold statement, polar and not your place to even think you know how others should feel.
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Glad, back at you.

It is not your place to tell me what I should feel or not feel. It’s rather hypocritical of you.
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“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer
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There can be a lot of ambivalence when someone dies after a long disease or even of great age. On the one hand we all know death is inevitable and can be an end to suffering, but on the other hand we wish those who are dear to us would never, ever leave us. And when someone is intimately involved in another person's life it can be very disorienting have the daily thoughts and routines around which their life have revolved abruptly come to an end.
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I personally took what most people said after losses I've experienced as a sometimes very awkward attempt at comfort.

I think it's wrong to expect that anyone is going to be able to somehow say just the right words. I know I struggle with it when it's someone else who has experienced a loss. I think most people's hearts are in the right place with what they try to say.

When I lost my cat recently my one sister said nothing when I told her. While a cat isn't the same as losing a spouse or a parent it's still a loss. I resented the fact she chose to say nothing. Even an a I'm sorry is better than stony silence. Just my opinion.
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A person lives, say for an example, 90 years.
Only 1/3rd is likely to be 'end of life care', at the most, on the average, if it happens that way.

2/3rds of their life is also gone when they pass. The part that was happy, productive, and enjoyable. The part we miss.

When I say, Sorry for your loss, it is about the loss of a person's whole life, not just at the end.

I understand how Polarbear may feel when someone's death is a welcome relief, not saying sorry for your loss, and struggling to know what should be said in those circumstances to comfort a person after such a difficult period of time.
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Youtube has changed in the last few days. They have got to stop this!

My bird and I were watching a relaxing bird video for budgies, meant for relaxing. In the middle, the screen went black, an advertisement came on by the Humane society: "Some people say this is a sport", and a video of a rhino
being shot, falling dead flashes before my eyes. Sound effects.

Turned off Youtube. I will be boycotting Youtube, because I cannot watch this kind of brutality. Will that help? Will they get the message, we just don't want to see that?
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Another Youtube change, you are scrolling to find something to watch as they have already selected what you can choose.

Then, you pause just a moment, and hear talking, talking from a program you would never select. Wait, who said that? It is playing without you clicking on the program.

NO, NO! NOOOOO!

Not friendly to the elderly!

For those of us who still like to choose, this is extremely disturbing!

It is going to scare any elderly with alzheimers, and confuse them.
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Imho, the words 'I'm sorry for your loss,' are meant to offer sincere respect for the receiver of such words since they have undergone the loss of someone dear to them. It is a customary courtesy in today's society. Again, this is just one individual's opinion.
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Gershun: When an individual I know loses a fur kid, I not only offer verbal condolences, but send a sympathy card to the person. And I was very sorry to hear of the passing of your dear cat. That was callous of your sister, IMHO.
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OB: Enjoy your retirement AND your retirement home.
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Helen4sure: I am sorry to hear of your sweetie's Alzheimer's. You can garner much support on this forum.
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ITTR: Thank you. I believe that she did appreciate it. Now mind you, I have been dealing with a chronic condition since June, but I'd had a good Thanksgiving day. I don't do anything to feel special, though.
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Llama, I thought it was callous of my sister too but then I thought of the source. This sister is a bitch at the best of times. 😏

You are always nice Llama.
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I feel that I need to clarify my comment about not feeling sorry when someone dies. I don't mean anyone and everyone, I mean only those whose deaths bring relief to themselves and others. Not everyone who dies is a good person or that it is a good thing for someone to continue living.. If you need reminders, go read the thread "Is it wrong to hope someone dies?" , or the thread about narcissistic and abusive mothers. Don't forget criminals, they do die too.

Some of you sound as if you're sorry when anyone dies and that it is a loss. That's not how I feel.
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Gershun,
Sorry for the loss of your dear cat. Hope you find peace and contentment with the memories of the little one. Animals are part of the family and we treasure them and love them. Sending you a big hug.
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I'm pretty sure I posted on the "Is it wrong to hope someone dies?" thread, I certainly questioned the life my mother was "living".

Yes there are many posts (too many) from people who seem to be caught up in dysfunctional family dynamics and are caring for abusers, the weird thing there is that often those are the people having great difficulty dealing with their loss.

And I do honestly feel sorrow for every death and loss; for the wasted lives, for the people who are so damaged they have rejected and damaged every opportunity to accept love and comfort from those closest to them.
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Happy Hanukkah to all of our Jewish friends and members.
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We've got feathery white flakes
gently falling down and
covering the ground.
It's a Winter Wonderland!



😭😭😭
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Spent the day visiting my in-laws giving away stuff. Three of my much younger BIL’s are buying houses. I gave them a lot of household stuff-furniture, linens, etc. More cleaning tomorrow.
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Gershun: Oh, thank you for your compliment. I try to be likened to my mother, who was always a pleasant woman as I had said. I am sorry that your sister was mean spirited.
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Llama, pretty much every one of my siblings are mean spirited. I don't know where it comes from cause my mom who brought us up on her own was a saint.

I don't think I'm mean spirited at all. Sometimes I wonder if maybe the stork brought me and maybe I'm not related to them at all.

I try to not hold grudges but it isn't easy sometimes I'll tell ya.

Once again I'm having the yearly debate about Christmas and whether I'm willing to spend it in their company. Two siblings have already bowed out of the get-together so now I'm wondering if I should try to hold up what's left of the fort by making an appearance. I don't know. It's hard to do the right thing sometimes especially when you aren't even sure what that is.
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Gershun: You're a very pleasant person. Sorry that your siblings are all mean spirited. God bless your mother for being a saint. I know what you mean about Christmas as a lot of my DH's siblings are self serving; there were many a holiday that I sat there with no gift to me while they all showered each other with presents.
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Have everything to go to the beach on the moving truck tagged. Packed up a bunch of kitchen things. Going to drive my car down next week. Possibility we may move before Christmas. Cold here - over 70 at the beach.
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Hospice nurse and NH doctor both called. My Mom has taken a turn for the worse. We’re going to NC in the morning. She couldn’t talk to me this evening.
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OB, I am sorry to hear that.

Be safe and I hope that your mom isn't suffering.
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Sorry your mother is ill. Try not to worry too much tonight and have a safe trip in the morning.
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Hello Everyone,
Got my results back today and tests came back negative. My primary said it is dry skin use a moisturizer such as Aveeno. Thank you all for your prayers.
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