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golden: Glad that your DD is home.💝
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Thank you for your support. It’s interesting and weirdly reassuring to read of others’ similar problems and experiences with poison letters and/or toxic behaviour. It’s not just me then! Send, you are right, I should see a doctor. Gershun, your absolute honesty to yourself about your family has clearly been good for you. My stepmother would always use the “family” argument to try to control me, as in, “ you have to do this, that or the other, because it’s family “. I think these people have a warped idea of what a family is, full of conflict, control and misery. Golden, it sounds like your family’s way of dealing with your mother’s nasty letters was an effective one, and shows how much self-respect your daughter and sons have, to reject this behaviour. It is still devastating though and must have been awful for you, seeing your children treated this way. I’m pleased to read that your DD is now home. By way of further support in this area I’m very pleased to report my dear cousin with pancreatic cancer is responding very well to chemo after initial surgery last year. The tumour is steadily shrinking and she is doing well. Becky, I can understand your frustration about your current lack of independence. Perhaps you can try to focus on what it will be like when you do move into an assisted living place rather than the difficulties now. I have often found this a useful technique to get through any frustrations in the current moment, by focusing on the end objective. Just in the past month I’ve had to use this technique at home. We needed roofing work done, so have had scaffolding up around the whole of the house, windows covered over to prevent damage, and a really dark house coupled with constant drilling and hammering for weeks on end. There has been no peace, some rooms have been unusable and it’s been unbearable. My mantra throughout this has been “ just 2 more weeks and it will be over”. I made this a rolling 2 weeks, to break the duration up into more manageable chunks. I was so relieved when everything was finished last week, the scaffolding was removed and I have my house, and daylight, back. Only just in time as it turns out, as the next day we had a really bad storm, the worst here (UK) in 30 years. Goodness knows what my stress levels would have been like if the work had still been ongoing, as I feel sure the scaffolding would have taken a hit. My neighbour’s house has had some storm damage and several trees came down locally, it was very scary.
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Chris: I do hope that you can get some sleep. Insomnia is the worst. I found melatonin to be of help. Hugs to you as try to let the wrath of your stepmother go as you must for your own health.💛
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Thanks Llama. I'm getting through an awful lot of books during periods of insomnia! "Wrath" is spot on to describe my stepmother's emotional state. I don't think her fury will ever recede, but I have to continue to step away from being the focus of this. It is really unhealthy and crushing.
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Nasty letters? Not from mom but nasty letters sent from each twisted sister to others. That is the passive aggressive ways of my origin family.

TS1 sent a packet, yes a packet on bullying to several family members, including to my mom's husband. I was caring for him and mom for four years, he had general decline but still very sharp. Mom lost in the depths of dementia. TS1 was angry because I was there helping them and thought it was a result of my bullying them that I was there. Twisteds really preferred their denial at that point and thought there were no dementia problems there and TS1 never visited or assisted. She lives about 5 miles away. She was afraid of me verbally assaulting her, the therapist!😂😂

TS2 sent letters to professionals that my mom had hired over the years. The list included the CPA, attorneys, doctors, etc. She was wanting to verify the extent of the dementia, whether mom needed care, what was appropriate care and the value of home care all the while telling these people what mistakes, as she judged, I had made in my life, including my first marriage 35 years earlier even some things that went back to high school. I found out about the TS2 letter because mom's husband showed it to me. He was hurt and astounded by the accusations made against me. He and I were very close.

The TS2 letter sent to the pros was given to me by mom's husband again after it was given to him by their CPA. Again the hurt for him. I scanned and sent that to TS2 and she was angry that someone had given it to me. Of course, I did not tell her where it came from.

Just a sampling of the craziness of my two twisted sisters. I haven't talked with TS1, the therapist in about five years now.

I should have posted this to the dysfunctional family thread. Ahhh, the memories.and the support I received from so many here when I needed it the most.💕💕
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Glad, I'm constantly amazed and horrified by what people are capable of, and wonder why they have to be so unpleasant. However, writing such letters offers tangible proof of their poor behaviour to others, and can be used to call them out. It seems to me that they are so caught up in their bitterness that they don't think about that. I gave a copy of my stepmother's latest poison to some of my aunts and uncles, without making any comment. Reading that stuff for themselves is far more powerful than me recounting it second hand. When my stepmother next tells them how awful I am, they will form their own judgements based on fact rather than fiction. I do think the various professionals you mentioned have seen every kind of poor behaviour there is, so were unlikely to take your sisters' letters seriously, but that doesn't reduce the emotional damage to you. For me, I don't know where this will end. My DH told the stepmother a long time ago to deal with him rather than directly to me, and for a while she complied, but I fear that now she has made direct contact things will escalate. I am thinking of seeking legal advice to take out an injunction against her to legally block contact. This would be expensive and I'm not sure she would even comply with that.
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CC, families! Even my attorney and mom's court appointed guardian said they had never seen such extreme dysfunction. The APS social worker, when I was investigated for financial exploitation, said that this was nothing but spite and vindictiveness on their part. Yes they reported me for financial exploitation! Of course there was nothing of the sort occurring. A court appointed conservator was to audit their accounts. I provided all receipts, kept them from the very beginning, nothing funny was found, conservator reported to the court, twisteds still did not believe it!

And then TS2 was driving me nuts, time and time again, asking for the one missing receipt that was $12 something cents!
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Glad, this behaviour often comes down to money. TS1 and 2 thought you were angling for a payout, or were going to help yourself, while you were caregiving, and had convinced themselves this was fact. The auditors proved it was salacious fiction, but I can't imagine the stress you were under while being investigated. Some years ago, when my father had a brief stay in hospital, my stepmother was giving everybody both barrels as usual. She needed to get some cash from the bank, so my DH offered to get some from the ATM for her with her card. She point blank refused on the grounds that it was a security risk as he might help himself to some money at the same time. My poor honest DH was so horrified at the accusation he was speechless and is still stung by it to this day. Nowadays my stepmother uses money as a weapon, and has threatened to cut me out of her will (which is 90% money from dad's estate) if I don't do as I'm told. I refuse to be controlled on the promise of a payout, and I don't need the money. What really hurts is how the financial legacy of my father's lifetime of hard work is treated with such contempt. He came from a poor rural family and had very little. He made his own way in the world, and whilst not rich, was considerably better off in retirement than he had been as a child. I just feel that what was left after a lifetime of hard work should be valued, not weaponised. I really hope she leaves it to my son or to a worthwhile charity rather than squander it out of spite.
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CC, the hardest part for me was the impact it had on mom's husband and the fact that my sisters thought so little of me and actually thought I would do what I was accused of and wanted to believe it.
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Glad, it's crushing to find members of your own family have so little value of you. I always say we should rise above it when treated this way, but that's easier said than done, and the emotional damage remains even with no contact.
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Got a new, lighter cast. X-rays showed good healing, but still a long way to go. My youngest grandson is with me for a bit. He ordered pizza for us from favorite place. It was pretty good. His other grandmother stopped by to visit for a bit.
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Becky you are so lucky to have so many family members from different generations who care about you and visit you. You must be one amazing lady.
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Chriscat and Golden, your posts about your family members are so sad. But I feel like you both do. I've been more hurt by behavior from family members than anyone else. I guess they can hurt you more cause you expect love, respect and understanding from kin.

I've tried so hard to stop dwelling on past hurts from family and yet I still find myself awake at night thinking about these things. The fact that they still don't think what they did was wrong really galls me. Things my older brother did when I was growing up would be considered abuse today. I remember once he literally dragged me out of a room by my collar. Purposely handed me a steaming hot plate. Those are the physical things. The mental abuse was much worse. Not just from him but all my siblings. Today, they wonder why I avoid them. Hmph!!
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Adding from my original comment that their are so many amazing, compassionate, selfless, and caring women and men on this forum. Even if their family members are buttheads.
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sp19690, I am lucky. My son and his wife are willing to help me and her mother, but they wanted us both in the same place. It works out fairly good. She's in the Assisted Living wing where I'll be eventually.
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Chris, Glad, Gershun, and Golden. 💜 This site has been invaluable for many to feel heard and supported in dysfunctional family situations. I see ya. And I'm glad you're here on AC -- for yourselves, others, and me. Thank you. Many wouldn't continue with ongoing, chaotic caregiving situations. I hope you're proud of yourselves (if for nothing else than not murdering sibs/parents haha), even if you feel/felt you had no choice due to childhood or circumstances, even if it comes up in your mind and and still hurts in the present though the worst is over.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Nietzsche was full of it. He was miserable and took his own life. What doesn't kill you might still give you PTSD. Take care of yourselves.

...

I keep forgetting today's my bday... then I look at the date. lol I'm busy with school and preoccupied. I wish I could have done something to celebrate -- dinner with friends was scheduled -- but I'm behind in school so that has to get caught up. I had some chocolates a bestie sent me🙂
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Happy birthday, Ali!

Golden you are sending that polar express down here again. Stop it! It is expected to last the rest of the week with slight warming on friday. And the winds!
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Happy Birthday Ali!!
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Happy Birthday, Ali. You can always celebrate later when you have time. 🎂🎂🎂
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glad - we must be sharing it. Cold, cold and winds here too. I am so ready for the end of winter!
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Ali: Happy Birthday.🎂
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Happy Birthday Ali. You're an inspiration when it comes to working and studying hard.
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Happy Birthday Ali~
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Chris: You're very welcome. You must be one amazing person if you can get in some good reads when you are sleep deprived. Wrath = bitterness. Do not invest any more of your precious time in thinking on your stepmother. Hugs.💜🧡
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Llama, I think I will focus how sp19690 describes it. Next time I dwell on or am the victim of another dose of stepmother poison, if I can think “butthead” rather than take it to heart, I might end up laughing instead of crying. To us Brits, it is such a funny word! Maybe Gershun can try this too, when those bad memories resurface?
Ali, Happy Birthday, enjoy it when you can, and if you are busy now, why not spread the celebration and kindness to yourself over the next week or so rather than let today pass you by in a rush…🎂
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happy birthday ali :) :) :)
may all your bday wishes come true!! :) :) :)
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dear ali :),

you mentioned the quote:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

here are some counter-quotes:
"What doesn't kill you...gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humour."

"Dear whatever doesn't kill me, I'm strong enough now. Thanks."

---------

have a great bday celebration ali! :)
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Happy birthday, Ali!!
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Happy birthday Ali!
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I'm fairly well settled into the routine here in the NH. My dialysis tech is okay. I'm getting to know her a little bit. I know when to expect a shower. Wish I could do that myself, but not possible right now. The staff here is very helpful and friendly. My physical therapist is great. I get PT every day for an hour. It's tiring but I can see some results. My upper body strength is improving.

I listen to a lot of complaints from the older ladies on my hallway. Some routinely decline things - showers, shampoos, snacks, books, etc. then tell their families that they press call buttons and never get a response. I've haven't called for anything that I didn't get in 5 min.

I've had visitors daily - my son, DIL, and his kids. Kids can ride their bicycles once streets and paths are clear of snow. They bring me way too many treats. My best friend will arrive next week. I'm looking forward to her coming. I'll have someone to help me. She's very creative and can help me figure out how to decorate my AL suite, craft projects or whatever.
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