Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
Your mother is still mobile but she has stated her wishes. Mother too always said "no extraordinary measures". Her doctor has heard your mother. Maybe the doctor can chat with your mum some time. Are you able to talk with your mum's doctor apart from her being there?
I know it is hard accepting these stages in decline in our LO. .We all have to work through that in our own way and our own time. ((((((((hugs)))))))
SMH
Grab their health insurance card and phone to see if they have used this benefit to get them free over-the-counter medications, products, etc. FUN!
Masks, toothpaste, first aid kit, Depends, all sorts of OTC pharmacy items.
Spread the word....
He has always been my favorite Beatle.
I will tell her what you have said to me, but I have a feeling that she has dug her heels in and won't budge. I will try in a day or two. I made my mother fill out a Advanced Directive Directing and it is on file at the hospital and I have the original copy. In the ADD, it does state that she doesn't want anything done even if it causes her death. She knows that I have to cover my butt because I have medical training and could lose my license. She also knows that she has the right to refuse Tx. I am really trying to come to peace with not making any calls and that I can not do CPR on her...that one is going to be hard! My mother has always been upfront about what she wants when it comes to her health and what she wanted when her time comes to an end. It is a blessing that her and I have come to agreement, but it sure isn't easy! Thank you Alva for letting me know that I am doing this correctly. I needed to read that!!
It’s also the day my husband proposed to me and I received my engagement ring!
Then let her process it a while. If she DOES end up in care again say "This could all have been prevented by a palliative care MD to hold them off with a shotgun". She may agree, and she may not. And to be honest, no MD or palliative care MD the outcome is the same. Ready to go and will be taken when the next thing comes along. I think for yourself, now come to peace with the fact that you will not call anyone. I would ask her to make out an advanced directive directing she does not wish to go to a hospital now under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES even if this should be a cause of her death. Because to be honest, if your Mom strokes at home and you simple do nothing there would be questions. I know you can answer them likely to the satisfaction of all, and your Mom has ALREADY GOT ON RECORD with her MD the fact she now wants to go.
This is hard, but you and Mom are speaking about it, and Shell, you have no idea how RARE that is, how good that is. You are coming to agreement and to peace and this is such a blessing right now. I think you are doing EVERYTHING right in this matter.
I have not seen you posting for awhile. Hope everything is ok. How is your mom?
I tried to send you a message but was unable. Hope you both had a nice Thanksgiving.
My mother is losing her eye sight and her hearing. But you're right, she probably does need some time to process the information. I feel as much as I am at a crossroad so is she!
Give her a minute to process it.
How’s her eyesight? Can she read fine print? My mom struggles to read small print.
If she can read you can leave literature lying around for her to read the information herself.
I have to wonder if my mother has so much self hatred that she punishes herself. Because I never can get her to do something even if, it is for her own good. It has always been that way, she will fight me on everything! I will try again at a later time!
Ugh!!!
Alva, I have been thinking about what you said that "compassion will serve me well." I don't see how having compassion will serve me well.. Where I am from compassion is viewed as a weakness. However, you were a nurse for many years and that tells me that you have been around all types of people and perhaps you know something that I don't. Perhaps, this is another life's lesson. I have a feeling that you are right, compassion may serve me well.
I am a huge Drew fan but this new guy playing for Drew since his injury is incredible! Love him!
We are playing the Falcons today.
The team has been on a hot streak lately. Hoping they keep it up!
There are some organizations that will offer palliative care and merge into hospice care later. I was looking into that for my mom.
Now she is with my brother and is on hospice. I have no idea what program he chose. I wish her well.
I call and speak to her about neutral topics only.
When I closed the door on caregiving I shut it tightly. I let go completely. I did it for 15 years. That’s enough. Let him deal with all the details now.
Some of us have children. Some don’t. I believe that you broke the cycle because that is inherently who you are!
I don’t believe for one minute if you had children that you would be like your mom. You’re nothing like her.
My sweet mother in law had a mother from hell! She was a fabulous mom to her sons.
I was nothing like my mom when I raised my daughters. I take that back. I passed on the good parts that I learned and tossed aside the rest.
My mom is such a freakin perfectionist! My kids still laugh how when they were young and they were paranoid about coloring outside the lines around her! LOL
No joke! She would stress out if my girls went outside of the lines just a smidge.
She was loving to my girls though and I would explain to my girls that grandma was extra picky! They took it in stride.
Mother was on palliative care and they didn't make her do anything. It is basically comfort care, not to extend life but to make what is left of life as comfortable as possible. When she got a fever they gave her tylenol to keep her comfortable If she had gotten an infection they said they would have given her antibiotics to keep her more comfortable, She stayed in her facility and was visited periodically by the house doctor, She never had to go out to any appointments. Once you are on palliative care those stop and many treatments and meds stop. From what you wrote this is what your mother wants. It allows her to wind down naturally, and without suffering.
I am wondering if you are not ready for her to go to this next phase of her life. It sounds like she is. ((((((((hugs)))))))) This is so tough and scary,
My mother doesn't want palliative care. I think she and I are not sure what palliative care is exactly or what they do. She is afraid they will extend her life and make her do things she doesn't want.
Thank you Golden for your hugs, support, and for your wisdom. ❤🐈
Alva,
Thank you so much for your input, knowledge and your own story. I will have to figure this out. But it sounds like from what Golden and you are explaining that this is the next step towards hospice. She doesn't want Tx, but I want her to be comfortable. I have a lot to think about. About the blood thinners: my mother is a bleeder and she nor I can not get it through any of her Drs (past ones and this new one) that she will bleeded out. Thank you for understanding!💗
Garden,
Her cardiologist is semi retired and so my mother saw his fill in Dr who is a physician assistant who is in her early 20's so she doesn't get it. My mother is afraid that the medical professionals will keep her alive. But I won't let that happen. If she wants to go I won't stop her and I refuse to let her suffer. Thank you so much for your kind words and your support. I'll past your message on to my mother, it will make her feel better.
NHWM,
Thank you for your insight and support. My mother is was really never a good mom, but your right she is a product of her environment. Her mother hated her and she hates me. The only way I broke the cycle is because I made the choice to not have kids. I too suffer from PTSD. Thank you!💗
Thank you ladies. I have a feeling it is going to be a rough road ahead of me and I will need all the support I can get.❤💗❣
The other thing is that all this has allowed you to see your Mother as a suffering human being, who suffered also from severe limitations in being able to care for you. And you are caring for HER despite what you went through, and learning a deep and solid compassion that is going to help you moving forward in your life more than you can even guess. I think when our parents live long enough for us to see them as human beings, and not just parents, it is a gift to us.
My Dad was such a good and wonderful dad, but I will never forget when he told me how "tired" he was, that he only wanted the peace of endless sleep, that he tried to get up for my Mom and get on the scale and to eat, but he was exhausted, had had a good life, and only wanted sleep.
Your Mom is right where I am. She's ready to go.
I am an old nurse with now Atrial Fib for 10 years come this next January. I always refused blood thinners? Do you know why? Because as a nurse I saw more death from blood thinners than from anything else. Everything from abdominal bleeds to brain hemorrhage. I take an Aspirin a day. At 78 here I still am.
I had breast cancer 34 years ago. I have chosen not to take mammograms ever again. First of all, I am willing to go, and I found all of my lumps on my own when mammograms were negative. Secondly I would treat now only with lumpectomy. I am 78 and ready to go. Would ask for the good drugs.
Do you know what MY doctor said ? "Well, you understand that Kaiser follows the recommended guideline for recommendations regarding testing. We will continue to send you notices that you "should" get these tests, as that is our protocol, but I UNDERSTAND you, and understand that you have these well thought out decisions made. Let's do your POLST to hand on refrig or closet door so EMTs don't try to bring you back if you go". And we sat and did it.
My doctor understands that I am ready to go, and only fear being tortured to death by the medical community.
Now, do I look both ways when I cross the street? Sure. Do I get my flu shot? You BETCHA. Will I be beating other old ladies out of the line so I am first for Coronavirus vaccine? I SURE WILL. But I will not take further testing (other than to measure the efficacy of my levothyroxine for Hashimoto's hypothyroid). I don't measure cholesterol, or anything else now. My advanced directive forbids the administration of any artificial feedings, or CPR, of ventilator. If I got Covid I would ask for the good drugs and no treatment with ventilator.
I have had a WONDERFUL life. I was born to the best parents ever. I had the best bro. While a few husbands I found wanting I am now for 35 years with such a good good guy. I have had no major illnesses aside the cancer and I survived it with great good luck. I have always felt able. I have never wanted. I loved my career as a nurse. And I am READY.
I hope your Mom seeks a doctor who does specialize in Palliative care and she will then be listened to. It does recognize she doesn't want to go on. While we cannot in our country (yet) allow for euthanasia on request, as we can in some countries, she needs to be treated as someone who has a rational voice.And rational wishes. It disturbs me when/if doctors don't listen.
Be sure to explain to Mom that palliative care is only for her comfort, and all that testing and medication will be out of the way, but SOME MEDS will stay in order to keep her comfort. There is a difference between prolonging our lives and making the lives we must continue to live comfortable.
Thank goodness for your support and understanding of your Mom. Thank goodness for Palliative care (I was appalled that in the Desert Regional Medical Center, a HUGE hospital, teaching hospital in Palm Springs, had NO palliative care program. The doc who was the resident for my bro was being TRAINED as a Pallative Care doctor, and yet they did not yet have this program. The United States needs to CATCH UP.). Be sure it is explained to Mom. No treatments. No extending her life. Just making her comfortable. Making the life she must continue to live as good as it can be made. And then progression to hospice when it is needed.
I think medical people who acknowledge a situation realistically and make suggestions for moving on are fairly rare, but I think also that that maturity and wisdom comes with practice, and aging, and perhaps personal experience.
I don't have any suggestions, but if you feel it appropriate, tell her she has an admirer and someone who really feels she's special, even though I've never met her.
I cried as I read this because it brought back so many memories for me.
I understand how you feel and how your mom feels.
Of course, you care. I did too when mom lived in our home. I still care.
My mom was a good mom when I was young. She had different ideas because the world was different then.
Let’s face it. They lived in a different day and age where things were done much differently. They weren’t as fair to their daughters as they were to their sons and so on. They were most likely treated that way too. It was part of that era.
It’s important to break cycles of abuse. Thank God, you and I evolved.
I am not making excuses for them. It’s just the way it was.
I had discussed this dilemma with my therapist and I accepted it, then I didn’t feel as badly towards my mom because I knew that she was a product of her environment.
Plus, my brother wrecked havoc in our lives. Your brother caused grief too.
From what you tell me about your mom she was a bit harsher than my mom.
It’s impossible to erase those memories. Trust me, I understand that. I am haunted by memories too.
My therapist clearly said to me that I had PTSD, which is difficult. It is still hard for me even though mom doesn’t live with us anymore.
If I am triggered by something, I go into a funk or experience anxiety. I am working on my reactions. I have a ways to go still.
It doesn’t surprise me at all that you care for your mom, in spite of her behavior. I was the same. We don’t have hatred or vengeance in our hearts. Nor do we have a mean streak.
My mom had a mean streak at times. We take after our dads who were loving, caring individuals.
Our moms are exhausted and who can blame them? We would feel the same way as they do. I have empathy for them. I really do. So do you. I know that you do.
I definitely think Palliative care is the way to go for your mom, even hospice. It’s comfort care.
She deserves that as a human being. She deserves to have dignity.
Many, many hugs! The serenity prayer helped me understand that I had to change what I could and accept what I couldn’t.
Take care, dear lady! You are doing your very best!
Afterwards, my mother and I was in my jeep and my mother looked at me and said, "I am just tired and not the kind of tiredness that you need sleep, but the kind where I am just done." My mother was so upset that she couldn't stop crying. How can I have so much compassion for someone who never had any compassion for me, but I do. I see the pain and misery in her eyes. She has decided to stop all her meds as of last night. She also has decided that she no longer wants to go to anymore Drs appointments.
I don't know how to feel or what to think. I love her because she is my mother, but on the other hand, I hate her and want nothing to do with her for she has caused me so much pain and stress. She makes life miserable! I am confuse and feel like I am at a crossroad. I will continue with my plans on moving out; however, I must also make plans on how to handle everything if she should die before I move out!
Thanks for reading!
I was thinking -- Why didn't I do this during caregiving??!! I had 6+ years of being out of work. Why wasn't I thinking about the future and the opportunities? And I realize that when I was caregiving, I was very depressed and ill so much. I didn't think I could work outside the home (because I never felt good, so tired every single day) much less take on a job and full time school again. It feels like wasted years of my life down the drain but I like to think I'm more driven now and also that I have a lot more empathy for the bad situations and health issues people can find themselves in. It's good to be on this track. Thanks again. (((((hugs)))))