I really excepted Rodger as a man and gave him some leaway because men are not taught to be Caregivers and surprises me when they make some of the best.
Tammy, I so hope you get Mom into that Memory care. When my journey with my Mom started, my daughter, an RN practicing in NHs, told me to let some things go. You want those aides on your side, not against you. I carried a brush and hairspray around because the aides never brushed Moms hair correctly. DD said "let it go Mom." So her clothes would match, I matched up her tops and slacks. One of the aides commented 🙂. I would ask my daughter, should I complain? Mostly "let it go Mom" but I got some "Yes Mom". Especially the time Mom had an accident in bed and the aide covered it up with the comforter. Should have left it for the next shift aide to find and let them complain but I did not. I did tell the Administrator. Your problem is going to be Mom if she is nasty to the aides. My Mom was easy. Her aides loved her. So I know she got the best care possible.
This will work out for you if you don't have boundries. You don't have to see Mom everyday. I would not even supply her with a phone. She should be depending on the staff for all her needs. All you need to do is supply her toiletries, depends and any clothing she needs and these should be coming out of her pocket. My Mom needed no snacks. She got 3 big meals a day. Someone was always having a BD party, holiday party or a just for fun party. Me, I supplied an old man with his Chocolate Chip cookies. I always bought a pk of 3 when I went to McDonalds. Ate one, gave him the rest. You don't need to be at her beck and call, she has people.
I think some of your problem is resentment. You do not want to do for someone who was not there for you. She was a Nasty woman during your growing up years so why should be where you are now. Seems ur the child who cares but not who should be doing the caring. Make it clear to the staff that you only want emergency calls or calls required by the State. You want no calls concerning how Mom is being a pain about taking her pills or getting a bath. Thats why she is in an AL. Staff should handle these type of things. The facility should not be calling you about every little thing.
Being heard is fine we all need to feel that at times. But you can't change anything without learning. You can vent all you want but you have to educate yourself
Not knowing is ignorance, I was ignorant to a lot of things. Learning and then not changing anything is just plan stupidity
I am glad you survived us, Strugglin! You are a great participant here in helping answer others. And our OPs are always free to say "you are too blunt, too mean, too nosy, too judgemental" and they often do say that. I think those of us who do the tough love turns EXPECT that in return. Dishing it out means we have to be able to take it. Or, like I said, move on.
Thanks for shaking me up when I first joined the Forum. I did initially feel some of the initial comments were tough, but eventually realized you guys are all spot on , and the advice was correct!
@Burnt, I so agree with you that we do no one good by giving them pity or comfort when they really need to be shaken up to help them face the fear of taking another road when this one is not working.
I take myself to task for being tough, and for at times seeming in my own mind to go all "mean girl". But the truth (for me) is that giving sympathy to someone can stymie them, keep them mired and stuck in the mud. It takes courage to try a new way of thinking and behaving because there is tremendous comfort in the "known" even when the known isn't working.
I well remember the first posts by "a girl named Roger" (always puts me in mind of Johnny Cash and a Boy named Sue: "Well, my daddy left home when I was three Didn't leave very much to my mom and me Except this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze Now I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid But the meanest thing that my daddy ever did Was before he left, he went and named me Sue. )" That first post was about coming in to take care of a parent who had been abusive.
When someone doesn't say on day ONE "Wait, I am actually a girl, but I made a mistake in registering (ummmmmmm)" then that is a fib. It kind of sets me up to not believe anything.
I just commented yesterday on a post from someone, and today and in thinking of the situation (which I thought was about POA but which may be about siblings at war) I reviewed previous questions. Set me in a whole different way of thinking about the post I answered yesterday. Would that there were world enough and time to go through all the checking of posts. There isn't.
Getting a response from the always kind NeedHelp is different from getting one from ME for sure. Our OPs are stuck with us. Or not. Because there always IS the option of moving on. And if that's the choice I am first to tell our OPs good luck.
A whole lot of my advice comes of my thinking that the toughest lessons I learned were sometimes the BEST lessons I learned.
Good for you if you found some usable information and advice here though my guess is you didn't. I've read all of your posts and responsed to many of them. It seems to me like you were looking for people to commiserate with who would also agree with you. Everyone is not going to give a person that. I certainly won't. For what it's worth, I share from my own experiences in caregiving. I do not pity or conjole anyone though. If a person refuses to even try to help themselves, there's nothing anyone can do fo them. Validating their complaining and pitying them will only make them worse off.
There are many people on this forum so you have to expect a few trolls here and there or people who aren't even caregivers but join because they have nothing better to do. You weed those ones out and take the good advice experienced people give you.
You will get responses to your situation that you don't like. That doesn't mean they aren't spot on right.
No one is accusing you of being a liar but many of your comments seem unbelievable. You claim to be retired so that means you have permanent income. Usually the only people who will remain in a caregiving situation as abusive and dangerous as yours are people who are financially dependent on their abuser and have nowhere else to go. So you can see where the people on here might find this questionable.
So let's be honest here. If you're willing to live in a dangerous and abusive situation where you also have to spend YOUR money to be a caregiver to this person, well all I can say to that is suck it up buttercup. Or do something about it.
Many times in abusive family caregiver situations it comes dows to every man (or woman) for themselves. You save yourself and get put at any cost, or you stay and it consumes you. I KNOW this because I LIVED this. Venting and complaining about it doesn't help. You don't need a hug. You need an exit strategy and your mother needs a memory care facility.
Good luck to you and I hope you do something to help yourself.
Tammy I would also advise you to not to post but read , read everything and soak it up, when you get to know are friends here, and understand what they have been though. Some have been though so much unbelievable stuff , you understand them in a different way.
We all have are story, some worse than others. But it's not just about your story or mine , it's about a group of good people that have been through hell, and back
Bottom line Tammy, they really do know more than we do. They get frustrated because they see you maybe me making mistakes, maybe the same mistake they made, and they care , if they didn't care they would never waste there time replying.
Some do forget what it's like emotionally being in the throws of all we are going through. But they do know what they are talking about. They don't want to see you getting hurt, by being pushed down the stairs. They know what it will be like to get your mom out of the house , because they have been there!! We have not, we can't act like we know everything because we don't. d It's so much like me telling my son this week, " Don't buy the mustang, you dumb a** you are a carpenter, by a truck" because we have been through life we know. Just like they know. So my son decided against the mustang and the truck, stuck with a Subaru. A nice compromise.
Anyways we need to respect what they say, because they have been there. And ignore the thing that we don't like. Just like teens need to make there mistakes to learn. We need to make are mistakes too learn from them. They are just trying to make are life easier.
And they deserve are respect, because they are taking there time out of there life to help us.
It’s hard enough for just two people to agree on things. It’s unrealistic to assume that numerous people will agree on all issues.
I don’t think that people are putting you down. We are stating how we feel. If you don’t want an answer, then why are you posting questions?
Live and let live.
Besides that, it IS helpful to hear opposing opinions, because sometimes it can open your eyes up to something that you might not have thought of before.
Do what you need to do for you right now. Maybe you are too emotional right now to handle different views. That’s okay. Take time for yourself. Come back later if you wish.
You are talking about people who you feel are rude. I remember when you called several of us rude (myself included) on your very first post. I didn’t take it to heart because you were under so much stress.
I believe in giving people a second chance and continued to assist in any way that I could.
I still hope that everything works out for the best for you and your mom.
As I have said many times, I also cared for my mom and so I most definitely know how challenging that It is.
Stay safe . I am more worried about you than your Mom , due to the stress you are under and the potential for Mom to become violent again and attempt to push you down the stairs again , which could happen if she remembers she is going to be placed soon . Paranoia may surface over leaving her home.
But if a Forum like this one is not making you feel HAPPIER, is not making you BETTER INFORMED, and is making you feel attacked/angry or threatened--then I think the OPs are right in leaving temporarily or permanently for THEIR OWN HEALTH AND WELL BEING. I think that it's by far best to just kind of "take a break" from it for a while and leave options to come back. I left altogether once, and had to do the process of "talking to the admins" to return. Won't make that mistake again.
I think Roger wasn't here so much asking for our help/opinion, but rather for reinforcement that she was "right" and for venting. If anyone disagreed Tammy got quite angry. Venting is a very valid reason to come, but in a Forum this diverse (we are all SOOOO different) you won't always hear what you want to hear. You can pick and choose what you want to consider, but you can't stop people from having an opinion when you have asked for just that.
So if this Forum is disturbing and/or not helping then I think Tammy/Roger is right to just kick it to the curb, at least for a while. I absolutely trust Tammy to make whatever decision is best for her in the circumstances. With all that is going on, and all the confusion--I mean I don't even KNOW the progression and treatment of the last days since the stairs and tooth incident--it is maybe best for TAMMY to take a break for it, and decide whether she wants to return later, or doesn't.
She may come back. She quickly became a known regular here, and that always leads to a fond hope one will stay the course, or return after a re-fuel.
Tammy there are always going to be "nasty nellies" on any site like this. Those who "know everything" and want you to do what they tell you, or else!! They assume they know ALL about you, and what is BEST for you. They think everyone is just like them. They hate it when you don't give them the affirmation they think they deserve. Ignore them, take the advice you can use, and go on with doing the best you can. I do hope you stick around, I have enjoyed your posts. Good luck ahead.
I'll be honest, and I won't win a popularity contest for it. You have yelled at some here that have absolutely not deserved it. Alva for one, me for another. Some others I feel have kind of nagged you, because I am newer going through the same dam thing you are. I get that this process takes time. I also get what burnout feels like . I was a god dam freaking mess a few months ago. So I feel like you need to be treated a bit different because of that burnout.
But I also think some have forgotten what it feels like, how bad it feels to feel trapped, not care if you live or not. How much this whole dam caregiving thing effect your brain. Specially when you have mixed emotions and resentfulness towards the person your caring for
Thanks Nancy. I appreciate your kind words. I just am tired of being put down all the time and called fishy and not telling the truth and so forth. I am here for support not criticism. Thanks again.
Hey Tammy, I want to say , I will miss you, also every one does have, your and your moms best interest and I understand the anguish you are going through and how hard this is to place your mom. Well actually I don't yet because my mom's still home. Even though she shouldnt be but I'm not POA so it's not my choice. On one hand I wish it was my choice, because mom needs to be placed in a place she is safe, on the other hand I'm glad it's not my choice because it's got to be so dam hard.
The people on this forum really do know what they are talking about. They have been though all of what we have been though. And they are trying to help us through that. The best that they know how
Think of it this way , when one of your grandkids or kids do something you don't agree with and you give them advice. You have the knowledge from age and wisdom to know that they are making a mistake.
You just need to let the things go that people say that you don't agree with . Let it go in one ear and out the other of you don't like it.
Tammy, I so hope you get Mom into that Memory care. When my journey with my Mom started, my daughter, an RN practicing in NHs, told me to let some things go. You want those aides on your side, not against you. I carried a brush and hairspray around because the aides never brushed Moms hair correctly. DD said "let it go Mom." So her clothes would match, I matched up her tops and slacks. One of the aides commented 🙂. I would ask my daughter, should I complain? Mostly "let it go Mom" but I got some "Yes Mom". Especially the time Mom had an accident in bed and the aide covered it up with the comforter. Should have left it for the next shift aide to find and let them complain but I did not. I did tell the Administrator. Your problem is going to be Mom if she is nasty to the aides. My Mom was easy. Her aides loved her. So I know she got the best care possible.
This will work out for you if you don't have boundries. You don't have to see Mom everyday. I would not even supply her with a phone. She should be depending on the staff for all her needs. All you need to do is supply her toiletries, depends and any clothing she needs and these should be coming out of her pocket. My Mom needed no snacks. She got 3 big meals a day. Someone was always having a BD party, holiday party or a just for fun party. Me, I supplied an old man with his Chocolate Chip cookies. I always bought a pk of 3 when I went to McDonalds. Ate one, gave him the rest. You don't need to be at her beck and call, she has people.
I think some of your problem is resentment. You do not want to do for someone who was not there for you. She was a Nasty woman during your growing up years so why should be where you are now. Seems ur the child who cares but not who should be doing the caring. Make it clear to the staff that you only want emergency calls or calls required by the State. You want no calls concerning how Mom is being a pain about taking her pills or getting a bath. Thats why she is in an AL. Staff should handle these type of things. The facility should not be calling you about every little thing.
Not knowing is ignorance, I was ignorant to a lot of things. Learning and then not changing anything is just plan stupidity
However, some come here just to ARGUE. I don't find that very tolerable.
I feel that is just fine, learning takes resilience, time & effort, learning is not easy.
Glad that you garnered something out of your posts here and wish you and yours the very best.
You are a joy to have around. You listen to others experiences. You ask smart questions. You are quick at implementing our advice.
You share important information. You appreciate feedback from posters. You don’t take criticism personally.
I know that you are thanking us, but I am thankful that you are on this forum with all of us gals!
Or, like I said, move on.
I take myself to task for being tough, and for at times seeming in my own mind to go all "mean girl". But the truth (for me) is that giving sympathy to someone can stymie them, keep them mired and stuck in the mud. It takes courage to try a new way of thinking and behaving because there is tremendous comfort in the "known" even when the known isn't working.
I well remember the first posts by "a girl named Roger" (always puts me in mind of Johnny Cash and a Boy named Sue: "Well, my daddy left home when I was three
Didn't leave very much to my mom and me
Except this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze
Now I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that my daddy ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me Sue. )"
That first post was about coming in to take care of a parent who had been abusive.
When someone doesn't say on day ONE "Wait, I am actually a girl, but I made a mistake in registering (ummmmmmm)" then that is a fib. It kind of sets me up to not believe anything.
I just commented yesterday on a post from someone, and today and in thinking of the situation (which I thought was about POA but which may be about siblings at war) I reviewed previous questions. Set me in a whole different way of thinking about the post I answered yesterday.
Would that there were world enough and time to go through all the checking of posts. There isn't.
Getting a response from the always kind NeedHelp is different from getting one from ME for sure.
Our OPs are stuck with us. Or not. Because there always IS the option of moving on. And if that's the choice I am first to tell our OPs good luck.
A whole lot of my advice comes of my thinking that the toughest lessons I learned were sometimes the BEST lessons I learned.
There are many people on this forum so you have to expect a few trolls here and there or people who aren't even caregivers but join because they have nothing better to do. You weed those ones out and take the good advice experienced people give you.
You will get responses to your situation that you don't like. That doesn't mean they aren't spot on right.
No one is accusing you of being a liar but many of your comments seem unbelievable. You claim to be retired so that means you have permanent income. Usually the only people who will remain in a caregiving situation as abusive and dangerous as yours are people who are financially dependent on their abuser and have nowhere else to go. So you can see where the people on here might find this questionable.
So let's be honest here. If you're willing to live in a dangerous and abusive situation where you also have to spend YOUR money to be a caregiver to this person, well all I can say to that is suck it up buttercup. Or do something about it.
Many times in abusive family caregiver situations it comes dows to every man (or woman) for themselves. You save yourself and get put at any cost, or you stay and it consumes you. I KNOW this because I LIVED this. Venting and complaining about it doesn't help. You don't need a hug. You need an exit strategy and your mother needs a memory care facility.
Good luck to you and I hope you do something to help yourself.
We all have are story, some worse than others. But it's not just about your story or mine , it's about a group of good people that have been through hell, and back
Some do forget what it's like emotionally being in the throws of all we are going through. But they do know what they are talking about. They don't want to see you getting hurt, by being pushed down the stairs. They know what it will be like to get your mom out of the house , because they have been there!! We have not, we can't act like we know everything because we don't.
d
It's so much like me telling my son this week, " Don't buy the mustang, you dumb a** you are a carpenter, by a truck" because we have been through life we know. Just like they know. So my son decided against the mustang and the truck, stuck with a Subaru. A nice compromise.
Anyways we need to respect what they say, because they have been there. And ignore the thing that we don't like. Just like teens need to make there mistakes to learn. We need to make are mistakes too learn from them. They are just trying to make are life easier.
And they deserve are respect, because they are taking there time out of there life to help us.
I don’t think that people are putting you down. We are stating how we feel. If you don’t want an answer, then why are you posting questions?
Live and let live.
Besides that, it IS helpful to hear opposing opinions, because sometimes it can open your eyes up to something that you might not have thought of before.
Do what you need to do for you right now. Maybe you are too emotional right now to handle different views. That’s okay. Take time for yourself. Come back later if you wish.
You are talking about people who you feel are rude. I remember when you called several of us rude (myself included) on your very first post. I didn’t take it to heart because you were under so much stress.
I believe in giving people a second chance and continued to assist in any way that I could.
I still hope that everything works out for the best for you and your mom.
As I have said many times, I also cared for my mom and so I most definitely know how challenging that It is.
Take care and be at peace.
If you feel unsafe again , call 911.
But if a Forum like this one is not making you feel HAPPIER, is not making you BETTER INFORMED, and is making you feel attacked/angry or threatened--then I think the OPs are right in leaving temporarily or permanently for THEIR OWN HEALTH AND WELL BEING.
I think that it's by far best to just kind of "take a break" from it for a while and leave options to come back. I left altogether once, and had to do the process of "talking to the admins" to return. Won't make that mistake again.
I think Roger wasn't here so much asking for our help/opinion, but rather for reinforcement that she was "right" and for venting. If anyone disagreed Tammy got quite angry.
Venting is a very valid reason to come, but in a Forum this diverse (we are all SOOOO different) you won't always hear what you want to hear. You can pick and choose what you want to consider, but you can't stop people from having an opinion when you have asked for just that.
So if this Forum is disturbing and/or not helping then I think Tammy/Roger is right to just kick it to the curb, at least for a while. I absolutely trust Tammy to make whatever decision is best for her in the circumstances.
With all that is going on, and all the confusion--I mean I don't even KNOW the progression and treatment of the last days since the stairs and tooth incident--it is maybe best for TAMMY to take a break for it, and decide whether she wants to return later, or doesn't.
She may come back. She quickly became a known regular here, and that always leads to a fond hope one will stay the course, or return after a re-fuel.
But I also think some have forgotten what it feels like, how bad it feels to feel trapped, not care if you live or not. How much this whole dam caregiving thing effect your brain. Specially when you have mixed emotions and resentfulness towards the person your caring for
I'm glad this forum has helped you! Wishing you much success in working through your journey.
The people on this forum really do know what they are talking about. They have been though all of what we have been though. And they are trying to help us through that. The best that they know how
Think of it this way , when one of your grandkids or kids do something you don't agree with and you give them advice. You have the knowledge from age and wisdom to know that they are making a mistake.
You just need to let the things go that people say that you don't agree with . Let it go in one ear and out the other of you don't like it.
I hope you don't leave us Tammy