So a well-recommended, 5 star LTC facility opened up and we were able to get mom in. I'm utilizing this time more almost so I can wrap my mind around some things and still explore the possibility of hiring private caregivers to supplement PACE. She has to be out of her independent living facility, so the timing was good.
The staff was so warm and welcoming. Mom is a bit confused but overall seems well.
HERE is my issue,
I happened to look up one of the NPs that is part of my mom's care team on facebook. Her profile isn't private so I just scrolled down a bit and just in August she posted what I feel was a very disrespectful post about nursing home patients. It went like this:
"Dr., what happens after we die?
"We clean the bed and admit a new patient"
Her own comment at the top was "This is so wrong, but when you work in a nursing home"
I know her personal life is personal. I won't send this on to anyone...
But I am SICK. I need to get mom home sooner than later and this is probably a sign.
But why would an NP who is supposed to care for this population post such a thing?
Would this bother anyone else?
Thank you forum friends for letting me vent
Your research was excellent. Don’t apologize about finding information that someone published. Don’t apologize about feeling badly, either: there is no place for such an inappropriate remark, especially when made by a healthcare provider.
These centers are profit-making businesses. All the glossy ads they can publish won’t blind you now.
she’s probably a great caregiver as she stated she does not feel this way. Making others aware. De-stressing. Please don’t take it personally. I as a teacher share smh 🤦♀️ memes I see to share with others as sometimes I can’t believe what others say.
The company we use for background checks does a criminal background check, credit, driver’s license and a personal check. We pay considerably more for our complete checks.
I am in no way inferring the NP that made the post on FB is deranged! However, my point is that as advocates for aging loved ones, we need to be realistic and seriously investigate caregivers we consider hiring or have nagging, gut feelings about.
"I've posted various questions here and mentioned briefly about my background. However as a quick summary, my father took his own life at the age of 79 this past March. This has obviously left our family reeling and dealing with multiple emotions. I am a nurse and currently in school for my Nurse Practitioner. I "know" what I am supposed to do, and I have counseling scheduled to help me work through anger, grief, guilt, etc. So, I know I can't NOT address my own issues if for nothing else but to be the best mama and wife I can to my family so they don't suffer because of any unresolved issues I have.
That being said...My 80 year old mom has been abandoned and is depressed beyond words. Understandably so. 55 years with my father. The woman is broken. She may have had some early signs of dementia a year or two ago (now that I look back), that maybe my dad was hiding pretty well. Because now, especially in the evenings, she says some very "off" things. She is sleepy all the time. She shuffles around and looks 120 years old. She is living in a first floor apt. literally 2 minutes from my home. This was because of her knees and also because I just don't think it is healthy for my mom to live WITH me. I love her and respect her but she is stubborn and fiesty and has no problem just walking in our bedrooms unannounced. So...this is best.
Ok, so what do I need help with? The Mindset question...I CANNOT seem to be there emotionally for my mom. I am irritated by the way she has seemingly given up on functioning. The shuffling. The unkempt look about her. The falling asleep talking to me. The getting on my pre-teen daughter (Who TRUST me gets it from me ALL the time...she doesn't need two of us)in a very mean way at times...just her VERY negative way now. As you're reading this I bet I sound so mean. How can a nurse and a future NP feel this way? How can I be so heartless?
I ask myself the same questions. I want to know if anyone has felt this way and has any advice on how to turn my mindset around. I do a lot for my mom and she always says "You take such good care of me", but I don't FEEL warm towards her. I have to think that what my father did has broken something in me, and I too acknowledge my mom and her grief would require me dealing with what dad did and I need some professional help with that. (Soon to come next week first session). I just feel cold. I want someone to tell me that it will get better. Or even tell me to get my head out of my butt and just BE NICE. Mom said tonight all I ever do is tell her what she's doing wrong (stand up straight, pick up your feet, let's put on a prettier sweater, etc). I guess I just feel like I'm trying to perk her up.
Anyway, this was more of a ramble than anything. Just wanted some thoughts or advice. Or, even let me have it :-)
This website and forum have been very helpful to me. Thank you!"
"I've asked questions multiple times in and around this situation so my apologies for apparent overlap.
However....
My mom has expressed how miserable she is in her AL facility. She has been there almost a month. Now, unfortunately the FIRST week there the facility went on quarantine/lock down due to a stomach bug. Lovely. Then, I was VERY sick for 2 weeks and only saw her 2 times during those two weeks. Then, apparently she expressed she was going to "fly the coop" and was wandering down in the lobby with her purse and keys, so they put one of those devices on her ankle to ensure they could track her. I told them I thought this was a horrible idea as she was a scaredy cat, and would NEVER bolt, but they felt they had to do it. I gave in (like I said, I was so sick...didn't put up a fight). Needless to say this REALLY depressed her. They took the device off which I'm so glad about. But she continues to say how this is an "old persons' dormitory".
When I ask if anyone is unkind she says absolutely not and that everyone is VERY good to her. I even met a couple of her friends who seem about her age and one is in fact younger. The problem is, the ones in the wheelchairs and walkers seem to outnumber them so I guess to mom this sees unacceptable.
Part of this is that she is going on the anniversary of my father's death (suicide) and she will NEVER be happy again.
Her memory is very scattered still. So like on one hand she "looks" good, but on the other she's miserable and has some very real memory lapses all the time. This is part of the reason she's there. Either didn't take her meds or took them twice. Caught her robe on fire making bacon at 3 am. Recent hospital stay with BP of 241/108...possible mini strokes, etc. etc. She was in an apt by herself as I wasn't ready to move her in with us full time.
Well, as I said I feel horrible. To look at her she does look healthy and younger. I told her maybe she can come back and live with us in a few months and she said this "lightened her heart" and she keeps bringing this up.
Oops, I probably shouldn't have said it as now I know she'll not let it go. It was just my knee jerk reaction to hating how miserable she was.
When I asked her if she shared any of her misery with her new friends she said no....that this was between her, God...and me (her daughter). That she knows she is making me miserable but can't seem to help herself.
I don't know what I'm asking except maybe guidance. I worry as a Christian that I'm not "honoring" my mother. Technically...YES. She can move in here. Would be on second floor and she'd share a bathroom with my daughter. Was thinking I'd fix up a loft area with her Kcup machine, a mini fridge and her TV so she could have her own space so to speak.
She WILL drive me batty. She has said for YEARS that she only wants to be beside me. With me. Still says it. In the morning when she was staying here she is RIGHT next to me for morning coffee. I have no space. I told her if she did move in that we'd have to talk about boundaries (like not coming in me and my husband's room unannounced). She said she'd be a "good girl".
I'm so torn. I'm a nurse, in NP school and in the middle of raising my 13 year old kiddo. It will be so very hard. But I know this life isn't promised to be easy. We are all responsible for each other on this earth. I wonder what my dad would have done. I wrote a paper a couple of years ago on filial responsibility...I always struggle with what this "looks" like.
Thank you to whoever made it to the end of this rambling. Just looking for some thoughts."
However, I don’t think I am cut out for guilt/worry/limited communication in covid and am making plans to bring her back here and let the chips fall where they may.
i just can’t live with myself.
Thank you all again!
Maybe she could save her comments for lunchroom conversation rather then posting on Social sites.
I thought it was funny, and it is true.
ebmick, what do you think happens when a patient at any facility dies? Do you think they keep the room empty out of repect or mourning? They change the bed and admit a new patient.
This has absoutely nothing to do with the care your mother will get. Don't be in a hurry to bring her home. She is there for a reason. I am happy you are able to get beyond your grief to see the NP meant no harm. Now you can be your mom's daughter, not her nurse.
If you're unfamiliar with the inner workings of a hospital or SNF, then the post might seem harsh, but in reality, it's a VERY generic description of what transpires in a room, after a patient is discharged or dies.
All in all, it's a brief post about the reality about bed turn-overs.
Now you know, what happens to a bed, etc. after a SNF patient/resident dies or vacates, They immediately clear-out their belongings, clean the bed, room, etc., to admit a new person, as soon as the next day. Similar to the manner hospital beds are handled.
Sorry, in the U.S., it's a business, which the nurse described what happens at the end of a person's stay. The nurse did nothing wrong, and posted about a standard SNF operating procedure. What were you thinking happens?
Harpcat: This is a discussion.
Idor possible that you have misread her comment?
Maybe some other family is desperate for help. Can't work full time, and take care of a loved one full time, and a family too. Its extremely stressful. The bed is a godsend to them.
Maybe the np had off for the weekend and then came back.. The resident died and was replaced. Very jarring I bet. She might have taken care of them for years.
You can't really know what she was thinking. Its a fact of life unfortunately. It might not have been disrespectful at all. Maybe she missed the last person. Its her job. She doesn't really get tome to grieve like the family would. She has to keep working.
I don't think it was bad. Just venting. She has a right to. Its not an easy job.
Many if us do it here all the time, complain about cleaning up messes or being the brunt of a loved ones wrath and dementia, make inside jokes to add some levity but none of that means we don’t love and care for that loved one, in fact often we do in an effort to continue doing just that either by looking for helpful ideas and information or simply venting to others who have been in the same place. Would I pick FB to have the discussions we have here? No but I grew up without social media.
Give yourself a break ebmick1973, try not to find guilt in the personal pain of doing what you know is safest and best for Mom’s health as well as her families. Try to find optimism, positives in the bumps that present to you rather than confirmation that you are doing the wrong thing. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.