What do you do when your mother uses crying as a weapon.... She's an Alzeimer's patient that knows exactly what she's doing, this is something that's been going on for years. People look at me like I'm a beast by "making my mother cry". People think she is the sweetest little thing, but behind closed doors she is a bitch. I hate to feel this way, but I resent her. I gave up my home in another state to take care of her and I get nothing but hate from this woman.
I am sorry you are so sad. I hope you have someone to lean on. If your Mom is refusing to take care of herself ( take her meds) then maybe you can get her declared incompetent and get guardianship. I don't know all the ins and outs of this but I think that would help. It sounds like you know what you are doing - and are on the right path. You are doing so much and trying so hard - I am so sorry you are so sad. I wish I could help more! (((((hugs)))))
It seems highly unlikely that she will change this behavior. It has been going on a long time, she apparently gets something out of it, and it is hard for dementia patients to learn new behaviors.
If at all possible, I think I would leave the situation. "You must be tired and upset now, Mother, and we'll go home now and rest." I don't suppose she will be more pleasant when she gets home, but at least it may be less stressful for you at home than in public.
In spite of how it feels, looks really can't kill. The people who look at you critically are just ignorant -- try not to give them the power to ruin your day. If there are people you see repeatedly, such as a cashier or the bank teller or the grocer, you may want to offer a brief explanation, "I'm sorry for the disturbance. My mother has Alzheimer's and she is sometimes easily upset." Most people are really kind and patient when they know what is going on, but you are not obligated to spend your time explaining to total strangers you won't even see again.
As for the resentment, I don't blame you. You are making huge sacrifices and you aren't getting appreciation. Was your mother always a bitch, or is this new with the dementia? Did you know what you were getting into when you moved in? For your sake I hope you can at least reduce the resentment. An adult day program is a great way to get some respite for you and for Mother have the stimulation of interacting with other people. She may not like it, but you have to do many things you don't like; she can do some things too.
I printed up cards like MishkaM describes when our daughter and I took my husband on a cruise. They said "My husband (or father) has dementia. Thank you for your patience." This was in case he behaved strangely off the ship. (The crew and passengers on the small ship quickly learned the situation and there were no problems.) Neither of us handed out cards. In my caregiver group another person had cards like that when traveling with her husband. She used only one. Since your mother has these public outbursts frequently the card idea may be helpful in your case.
I hope you get some relief from this stressful situation.
I have heard of people who have printed cards, like business cards, that explain the situation-in your case they could say something like -" my mom, who is very loved and well taken care of, has Alzheimer's. She often cries in public and displays emotions that are not warranted for the situation. Please have patience and understanding" -or something like that. And then you can give it to people who question you. -on the sly-so Mom doesn't see. I have never done this but I have heard of Moms who have a child with autism doing this. Just a thought.