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Mom went into a nursing home August 16 and it has been horrible. I was her caregiver, but her pelvic fracture, frequent falls, etc... made it impossible for her to come home. She complains all the time about paying for it, her roommates, the staff. Today was awful, she called (she is almost blind, so they have to dial for her) and was crying told me to come right away. I did and found out her glasses got switched with her roommates during the night, they realized it and switched them back earlier. This afternoon she decided those weren't her glasses and her roommate took hers and won't give them back. Mom has her glasses, but she won't listen to anyone. It was so emotional and now she insists she is coming home tomorrow and will find someone to take care of her.

She is very manipulative and I have fallen for it too many times. They let her smoke a few times each day, but someone has to be outside with her since she could burn herself. She won't quit, it's an ongoing argument. During the same call she asked me to bring more cigarettes. I thought it was a ploy to get the cigarettes there, but she was still an emotional mess, even when I left. She is also saying she wants a new roommate. This other lady has been there longer and her daughter is the secretary to the administrator. Mom isn't a friendly person, very short with people. I guess several aides were comforting her roommate about the glasses and ignoring mom.

I don't know how to handle this, she isn't coming home. I am a cancer survivor and not in great health, I can't take care of her full time and I work from home. Being her full time caregiver has taken a huge emotional toll on me physically and emotionally.

I am worried that she is just going to go off the deep end completely, not sure she can handle the stress she puts herself in. I am going to search this site for articles to read, but would love input.

Nancy

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Kmaxwell, I don't think that she can be kept against her will if the courts have not declared her incompetent. Maybe two doctors signing off on that is enough. I don't know. But on a practical level, would she be able to arrange such a move?

Clicking on Ask a Question and starting a new thread would get more responses.

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Kmaxwell, I see this is your only comment on AgingCare. Seems like you want to ask a question about your specific situation. There is a way to do that. Click on the three horizontal bars at the top left of the AC screens and select "Ask A Question." You can start your own question that will get input.
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Kmaxwell - this thread is 5 years old...
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Under Ohio power of attorney laws,( My brother and father have power of attorney for financial and medical decisions for my mother) Does my mother have the right to go home from a nursing home if she insists upon leaving? If she has not been deemed incompetent by two Physicians ??
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Just an update. Social services has been doing a great job with mom, visiting with her, reading to her. Activities comes to see her, but not on a regular basis. It's my understanding the activities position on her unit isn't filled at this time, so the assistant director comes to see her. Mom is still frustrated at them being so strict with her, but I tell her she doesn't have a choice. If she does improve, maybe they can lighten up a bit. We have a quarterly care meeting on Tuesday, although I talk to the staff on a continual basis, so nothing new should pop up!
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Nancy,
You might also connect w/the Activity Director [Life Enrichment Coordinator] and or the assistant. They are required to also address those who prefer to stay in their room…aromatherapy would be very cool w/your mom—if she chooses to participate AND they offer it! Perhaps they could direct volunteers to spend time w/your mother, also the AD's responsibility.
Leave no stone unturned & good luck!
Fiffi [Stefani]
[This is my new profession/career 'enhancement'.]
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It would be nice if an aide could organize her time to take several people at once out to smoke. That way everyone could get equal time. A lot of the aides that work in these homes smoke also. I know for a fact that they get their smoking in. Maybe someone who is in charge could help organize smoking time if they absolutely have to have a cigarette. It could be done with proper organization.
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The aide doesn't work at the home, she worked for us in my home taking care of mom after she broke her arm. I have no problems with the nursing home. It is considered the best around here. I do visit during all shifts, mom's roommate's daughters works there, a good friend is the administrator. I feel like she is being given excellent care. She sets a high standard and is very impatient. She wants things now. She will ask me for something, if I am there, if I don't stop what I am doing and do it for her immediately, she asks again. She is blind, for the most part, she has no sense of time. She dropped her talking clock this week, so I ordered another one. She always overstates time, "I have been waiting an hour," when it has been 10 minutes. No one there has a personal aide, probably because they can't afford it. Between paying the nursing home, her hospital bills, an aide would have to be a shared expense among us kids. My sibs aren't too supportive about helping with anything, including visiting her or financial help.

After reading lots of good articles and forum messages today, I am going to meet with the resident care supervisor and social services in the next day or so. I want to see what they have to say and what input they can give me. We do have a counselor at our church who doesn't charge for counseling sessions. he has visited mom several times and she really thinks highly of him. I might even see if I could get him to go there and do counseling with her.

Thanks.
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Nancy,
A lot of REALLY TUFF boundary issues, BUT you have mentioned you have a familiar, trustful aide—what are you [all] waiting for! You will feel an IMMEDIATE sense of relief while taking a proactive step. Very best of luck!
Stefani
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Nanc512, You Are Not Alone!!! My gramma was in a care facility for almost 8 yrs. She was pretty happy there it seemed, but the nurses and aids told us she was "needy". she would want them to be at her beck and call, no matter what. It was a med. size NH, with quite a few paitients to look after too. Gram also hoarded food, being a child of the deppression she had a fear of not having enough. My mother (her daughter) went to visit often at first, but then her health started to decline and was not able to do it any longer. Gram was angry at first but softed up as time went on. She would then call mom on the phone at all hrs, until she had it removed for making to many long distance calls. We all thought gram would be seeing God first, at 95 yrs. We would visit our gram before giong to visit mom. One night I got a call at 1:00 am from the hospital, it was the nurse telling me my mom was in emergency and I needed to get there asap. As I got ready I called all my bros/sis, 7 in all, to let them know. I went and mom was very ill...unbeknown to us she was in very grave health!! Nine days later mom was gone!! In the blink of an eye! we found out mom had not only diebetes and bad kidneys, she also was suffering with "Accute Mylogenous Lukemia", the Drs said the treatments for it would be of no use at this stage of the diesese!!! We were dumbfounded to say the least! Mom never told any of her children just how bad she really felt either? We were there all during her stay in the hospital and then we found room in the same NH as her mom(my Gram). With the help of hospice mom had "Palative Care". When we placed her there, gram was by her side constantly....she refused to go to her own room because she wanted to be with her only daughter,( mom was one of 2 ,she had 1 bro), so she could comfort her. I think it was Gods way of helping us through this nightmare. Knowing gram could see her daughter for the last time, I thought, it gave all of us an inner strength....! Mom passed in Feb. 2011.... we all were there. Gram was devistated...the cry that came from here was heart wrenching!!! I'll never forget the sound of a mother losing her child...... or what she said to us... "A parent should never have to lose their child before them"!! Gram was never the same after that day....and 1yr almost to the day gram went up to reunite with her daughter for the last time. So I guess what I want to say is we had a pretty good experiance with my mom and gram. It was not the case with my FIL and MIL, my fil passed in 2006 and it was a very unpleasant situation for my husband. He was not told of the drugs that were being given to his dad for ALZ, until he looked into it after his passing. Now we are dealing with my MIL who has dementia,combativeness, stroke etc., she won't let us do anything to help her....at all. So just wated you to know we have been to both ends of the spectrum and so far,...survived....For now. Hope this helps. Hugs to you and all your efforts they will be rewarded oneday!! God Bless
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I keep reading the replies, because it makes me feel so much better knowing I am not alone. Mom has never really been a happy person with lots of friends and a big social life. She was kind of a home body. I volunteered at the home last week to work on the memorial Christmas tree. She kept telling me she couldn't see to help, which I knew she couldn't. But I took her in the dining room each time and she sat at the table and visited. She has told me many times she is glad I am helping there and I am helpful to people. I have been taking little gifts to the residents in her unit that don't have family visiting them. Mom gives them the gift, I thought it would be helpful for her. The other residents are tired of hearing her complain, and they tell her! The story changes every day "they don't help me at all, I waited an hour to go have a cigarette" then the next day "they are so nice here" and "I don't have them help me enough." She is on a very low dose of effexor, I suggested we increase it and she said no, it makes her sleep too much the way it is.

She is so impatient, she wants them to help her now, taking her for a smoke isn't on their priority list, so she often has to wait. I got another phone call today asking if she could come home for the afternoon and I keep saying no and she says bye and hangs up. I can hire her old home care service aide to go there and visit her, $18 an hour with a 2 hour minimum. My siblings would probably share the cost. I don't know if I want to do that yet, but I may have to do it a few times per week. I have gone back to not going every day and told her I wouldn't be there today between church, a meeting and small group tonight. She never says anything negative about that, always says "that's okay, I will survive."

She just begs to come home for a visit and I don't think it's a good idea, since the one time she came home, she fell. I can't help her up anymore because of a shoulder/back injury I am getting therapy for. I am trying to hold off her coming home until Thanksgiving. My sister will be here in a few weeks and I know she will want to come home. She says when people are visiting, she doesn't get to see them enough, because she isn't home with all of us.

My niece bought her e cigarettes, but I am sure they don't let them use them in their rooms, even though there is no fire or smell. I need to find out. Once she started smoking again, the addiction is back. She will tell me she only got to smoke once that day, when we go outside or to the smoking room, people will say "nice to see you again." A nice lady in her unit smokes and when mom tells me that is only her second time, that lady will correct her and say I have seen you out here three times so far today. She expects them to drop everything and help her. I don't think there is a fix for that, but she needs an increase in meds.

I always want to give in and let her come home for a visit, my son keeps saying no and so does my sister. I am starting to really worry about my health, she says she is worried, but she still expects me to perform miracles!

Thank you all so much.
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Dear Nancy,
First & foremost…my heart goes out to both you & your mother—I cannot imagine. I have worked w/seniors & currently w/disabled adults & see caregiver angst & burnout @ every turn. IF it is in your budget you might make a posting on this site for someone to check in on your mother as well as advocate for her. If you are connected to a church or if your mother was, that also could provide a good resource. You might even have a friend whom you trust that needs the $$. Also, is there an aide that you are fond of @ the home? It would benefit you both to 'groom' someone on the inside [@ the facility]. Small gifts, lunch, single stem flowers/plants, gift cards go a very long way in terms of cultivating additional support [if allowed]—especially if your mother's roommate is getting the red carpet treatment. Lastly, has your mother been evaluated/treated for depression?
Please remember, 'if the lifeguard doesn't swim, nobody floats'! As horrific as it might feel you MUST take care of yourself. I STRONGLY urge you to find someone [support group, cleric, therapist, counselor] w/whom you can talk as well as gather support. My prayers are w/you both!
Stefani in Dallas
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My dear Nancy, I know exactly how your feel. Your Mom and my Mom are from the same mold.
She was hospitalized earlier this year, and had to go to a nursing home for rehab. She was horrible! I felt so bad, that I had my own breakdown, went out on a medical leave from work, and brought her home! She has done ok, but I have to get back to work. She is always grumpy, hated her roommates in the home, just everything you say is so familar. Even the smoking! She can hardly walk, but has to have that cigarette! The sibling issue is the same here too! Wow. I have got to think of a way we can talk.
I want you to know, that you have done the right thing. She is where she is safe, and cared for. You have to take care of you. I know it's really really hard to not let what she says get to you, but try to realize she is not all there. She will adjust people say. My thoughts are with you. I am glad you came to this forum. I needed to hear your story, and I want you to know you are not alone.
Hugs to you,
Sherri
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omg do ALL old women become brats?? I am beginning to think so. my mother is the same as all the above. she can become very abusive to my sister. when we were younger it was me. dont know how the roles got reversed other than i mellowed with age.Mom is in assisted living with alhzhiemers. she has had it at least 7 yrs. Her new doctor who hasnt talked to her for very long said she is in stage 4. you wouldnt have known it this week past as she had a urniary tract infection and it messed with her mind something bad. she did not recognise any of us kids and one day didnt even know her own name. until now i never knew that a uti could affect older people that way. the nursing home said it is a normal thing for them there. and when the patients get disoriented moreso than usual they test thier urine. so maybe your mom could have an undiagnosed uti. I know it is so difficult to have a parent who has to be cared for and we cared for mom for 7 yrs at her home until we just couldnt do it anymore. I think God recognized it too as she fell and broke her collar bone and couldnt take care of herself at all. i never thought a nursing home would be in the cards with one of our parents and we all did not ever want to put her in but there comes that time when you just have to. end of discussion. so we all do what we have to and should not feel guilty or be made to feel guilty that we need help taking care of them. I dont know about you but the thought of bathing my mom or helping with her toliet was not appealing at all.
hang in there
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We all go through this difficult time, so know u are not alone. Just when u think things are going well, it changes in a heart beat. One day, our loved ones seem fine, the next, they are flipping out!!! I think this is how dementia plays out. Different ways with different people. You made the best choice for every one involved. keep telling yourself that. No situation would be perfect. Just an aside...so what if she smokes, who cares at this point????? Take it from a smoker....
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Does your doctor know of your mom's behavior? I wonder if she would benefit from some anti anxiety med?
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Why do moms always blame their daughters for their situation. This seems to be the norm. My mom is a lot like her mother except she still lives at home with my dad. When anything happens it is my fault. No matter what. My brother takes advantage of them in every possible way yet he does not care enough to call them or tell them he will not be visiting for 10 days at a time. When this happens, mom is like a sore tailed cat. Everything is wrong. Its everyone else's fault. No matter what happens it is their fault. Mom certainly learned well from her mother, no doubt.
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I agree with pretzel 123 ---as I have a mom like this also who is a nursing home )although we call it health care) You just have to realize that there is no pleasing some people. Know that she is in a good place that is taking care of her...Imagine what it would be like her being in your home or alone. She probably is much happier than she lets on! You know the old saying "you only hurt the ones you love"----You are her punching bag for HER frustrations.....Just remember that when it gets to you and choose the amount of time you want to spend with her. I visit my mom once a week---that's all I can handle of the,whining and complaining.
I come home and immediately make myself a drink! the only one I have all week.
I've now stopped calling her everyday because I can't understand what she's saying and it gets her frustrated and nasty with me. I felt terrible about not calling her but she now is a bit nicer to me when I come to visit each week. I try to bring her something each week--a candy bar, nail polish, etc etc and leave it out so that she remembers that I brought it. Take care of yourself because if you let it this could drain the life out of YOU. Don't feel guilty cause you ARE doing what's best for her although she will never say it.................
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I am so glad I found this discussion. I too am having trouble with my mom in the nursing home. She is 84 and of sound mind, just total care and has to have a lift to get in and out of bed and has to toilet in bed. Here is my dilemma. She is verbally abusive to others and knows exactly what she is doing, which is the difficult part. All her life she has been a person who requires everything her way or the highway and we have always been taught to cater to that situation. I have 2 siblings who live far away, so I am the only one here to visit, along with my very supportive husband. We see her 3 days a week at the nursing home, each visit about 2-3 hours. With her behavior, I try to work with the nursing home as they are doing their best to help her, but nothing satisfies the woman and so I always try to run road blocks so the nursing home won't kick her out. I am just so scared that the nursing home will try and kick her out for her behavior and I definitely cannot care for her at home because of her needs. I am at wits end and any ideas are accepted. I love my mother, but I am so frustrated with her and my siblings aren't there for me as there have been issues in the past that has severed the relationships. I am the only one who has been willing to tolerate her and even I am getting tired of it. Thank you for your ideas.....
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My mom is headed to the nursing home from Memory care as soon as the money runs out, which will be soon. I have taken a lot of abuse from my mom and i tell myself "this isn't her, it's the disease" so I let most things just slide...however, after taking my mom out for the day and taking her to lunch, she proceeded to spit on me and throw a hissy fit because I wouldn't let her move out of memory care. I decided that day that even though my mom was sick, I did not have to put up with that kind of behavior. My mom , like yours, is a master manipulator, she has "chores" "appointments" , all kinds of things she demands I do. Like some caregivers suggest here, STAY AWAY for a while. I didn't see my mom for two weeks. It just about killed me, but I wanted her to know that I was not her punching bag. I was on my last nerve and I had to send a message. Well, when I visited Mom again, she was a different person. She APOLOGIZED for the way she acted and said she missed. me. My mom as AD and psychosis, but she can still manipulate people and understand when her behavior is out of control. I agree with these fellow caregivers, take care of YOU because harder times are coming. We have other family members who rely on us too, and bosses, etc. I have peace knowing that my Mom is well cared for, fed well, medication is controlled, nurses are there, she is not happy, but never has been and never will be, so I can't control that. Praying for you and your Mom today and wishing every blessing on you.
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Your first responsibility is to yourself. It seems like some moms don't stop parenting.Mine didn't. For some people nothing is right so let it go in one ear and out the other. No guilt. The nursing home has trained professionals. Use their knowledge. Bless. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. No I am no shouting just emphatic. Hugs to you
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My Mom is the same.3 years ago she was falling over,totally unable to care for herself.She broke her hip,then her shoulder,She is now in a nursing home.Blames me for everything under the sun,i am an only child,but the devils daughter to her.I realized a while ago,that i am just a scapegoat.She is 3-4 years into alzeimers.I have moved her twice trying to get the best care,but she is,and has always been abusive to me(even as a child) No one likes her because she is so unfriendly and rude.My mom is not a sweet old lady either.I do now the best I can for her,it is VERY hard not to get upset or riled,Last week she told me to wear some decent clothes,as I was apparently exposing my chest.( had a turtle neck sweater on) I have told her,when her health is better,she can move back home,that sometimes placates her.I came to a conclusion a long time ago,that there is no winners in this situation,I have cried,got mad at the injustice of it all.
Just do your best.Been there too!
(I too have stopped seeing her so much,it seems to help)
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nancy, you may want to have the nursing home help you. They should have staff trained to deal with these types of issues. You also have a right to have her switched to a different room. i work in a nursing home and can tell you that you have rights and the home has responsibilities to you. (all this should be posted in the home and the right to a different roommate is listed...atleast in my state..SC) I am a caretaker of my mom too. It is hard regardless of the living situations. Take care of yourself. she is better off in a facility that can care for her medical needs. But do seek help. Hugs.
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I FEEL FOR U, I want u to kinow, that you did ur best, and now it's time to take care of you. Sometimes there are situations that are out of our hands, just leave it in God's hands now, and take care of ur health cause life is too short! God Bless You and Guide You.
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My mom was the same at first in the nursing home. They tried her on anxiety medication and keep changing until they found the right one that worked for her. You need to take care of your self, and let the nursed handle the situation . I was told to stay away for 4 to 5 days to let her settle in and get used to the home and the staff. It worked a little but eventually she was very content there and had made many friends.Hugs and take care
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It is sad mom did not become a sweet old lady. Not your fault. Try to switch mom to ecigarettes as substitute not requiring going outside (nursing station can keep them/it). Next step counseling for mom who must have many issues. Likely fear of the great unknown coming closer. Take care of yourself.
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There is no easy answer when a parent has to go to a nursing home. Yet, there are for some there is no other answer. If she has to have 24 hr. help it will be hard to find reliable people and could she trust them? She is surely manipulating you. My grandmother did the same thing to my mom. There was no way mom could take care of her at home. My brother had a child that was totally abandoned by her mother. Mom had the baby to take care of.. She would tell them the most gosh awful lies you have ever heard. Mom or her sister visited on a daily basis. For her it was she was starving. They brought so much food in the room that the administrator said it was a health hazard. My grandmother was total care. I guess they thought I would give up my nursing job at the hospital and take care of her for nothing so the others could have her check and do as they pleased. It was a big mess.
You are doing the only thing you can. Your health is important too. How long do you think you would hold up taking care of her and not in good health yourself? Not very long. Your mom sounds just like my grandmother, to her it was all about her. No one else mattered. Maybe you can talk to the social worker at the nursing home. They can offer some good input because they go thru these things on a daily basis. Hugs to you.
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been there done that. Take care of yourself.
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