My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

check out the boarderline personality disorder string...fits in many ways

can you post the link here stuck

lol that is the link to this post...I did find the one on BPD and I posted a saga there....oye veh! I wish they had smilies here..I would post the nutzy one...LOL

how else may I not help you? gees yep..trying to do it quick..boss is here doing inventory...don't multi task as well these days...sorry...but interesting string huh?

LOL, Stuck, you're fun!

I love my mother but I don't like her.... She treats me like a child and will not take my word or advise for anything. She is bedridden and in early stages of dementia and in total denial. She insists she can walk if she wants to. She is bossy and very difficult to please. I am the only child and she was living in another state. I begged and pleaded with her to move in with me. I moved into a condo so that she would have her own room and on the day that I closed the deal and got the keys, she informed me that she changed her mind and did not want to move. Finally she became totally disabled and had to be admitted to a nursing home. I underwent major surgery and could not go get her for two months. I thought she would be so pleased to be here in a loving, comfortable environment, but she is like a tyrant with an extremely bad attitude. I love her and treat her with utmost respect even though she treats me like her worst enemy. I love her but I don't like her.

there is something very weird going on in my home...Mom has been SWEET for a few days now...My husband and I wonder what's up. She had 2 0r 3 dr appointments last week...wonder what they told her...she keeps info she does not want to share very close to the vest. Guess I'll ask...wonder what answer I will get...if any. Just weird...when will the other high heel drop?

So much for being nice. Put her back in the nursing home, and let her be a tyrant to people that don't give a rats patooey.

vaterry...I know what you mean...many mixed emotions here too along with guilt for feeling that way...I guess you just move on and get over it. I think there are many on this site that feel the same...and not much of a life for them. Sad that they live that way now ..mad that they drag us into such a useless life and guilty for feeling that way. No win...

I find myself racing around, angrily redoing the cleanup I JUST did 10 minutes ago, my mother cussing and calling me names, I've been called everything except a milk cow....she has went to the behavioral medicines floor at the local hospital on NUMEROUS occasions, they keep her for a coupla weeks, prescribe meds, (that she refuses to take after she gets home) and sends her on her way to reek havoc at home again...she got a cab last night, went to a bar, 78 years old mind you, then caught another cab and went to a motel for the night, She didn't even call me to tell me where she was, and she hasn't come home yet, and it's aftenoon. I am at my wits end and my siblings will not help me, I feel like this will eventually get the better of me and I will have a heart attack or stroke from the stress. I resent my Mother for what she has become and what a burden she has become to me and my plans. I could write more, but I feel this anger inside of me feeling like my upper body and arms are going to just explode into a million pieces. I don't know if I was cut out to do this....

Sylvester, you need to get your mom one of those cell phones that parents use to keep track of teenagers. Since she's acting like an undisciplined adolescent. I don't know enough about your situation, but sounds like mom needs to hit the bricks, into asst living/ nursing home/booby hatch whatever. And you're right, you are going to kill yourself off having to deal with this behavior.

Why not just file a missing persons report, and have the police find her? Then you haven't neglected her. Unless they are hurting themselves or others, what can you do? Why is she your responsibility?

why don't you put in a skilled assisted living assistance or adult day care center from 8-6 everyday, so you can have a life. what about home care ask her doctor for assistance, so tell them that you need a home attendant fo12 hours daily 8-8 and you go to work or do something for yourself to enjoy your life and after you come back at 6 or 8 pm, your mom will be resting in bed or full of eating, so you don't have to deal with her that much.

reading your last post, I recommended you to put her in a nursing home, you sound so stressful that's the best for you and for her. forget about home care or assisted living facilities(unless she is going to live there permanently and is not allowed to go out)

My 78 year old Mom lives with me. I lover her dearly. She is normally an easy going person but lately she is absolutely smothering me. She is afraid that lightning will hit through the window - despite knowing that in the last 76 years this has never happened to her. If it is raining she tells me it is too dangerous to go out to drive anywhere. If I want to go somewhere in the dark - then people will shoot me...If nothing is dangerous - then she wants to go with me wherever I go... I am a single Mom with a teenager. My brother and his wife only contact her when they want something from her. I tell her I needed space to do things - without her - such as spend some time alone with my daughter such as doing sporty things which my Mom could never do - and she starts crying, gets mad and tells me if she's not wanted then she'll just go to a nursing home... Sigh. I just want some space...

When an elder gets to be too much to handle like the 78 yr. old disapearing and going to bars and not letting anyone know where she is or is driving the caregiver into an early grave that is the time to consider a nursing home-that behaivor would not be allowed there she sound out of control esp. when the caregiver does not get any help from family an elder can not be allowed to do whatever they please unless they can take care of themselves.

Altersheim,
If you have taken this load upon you, then you must carry it. As long as you look at your Mother as an extra wheel, you will never really find any "space". The brother and his wife, if they are nearby, should take her out to dinner or bring her over for a visit. You have to put yourself in your Mom's shoes, she is scared now, it sounds like, and she worries about you as well. I don't mean to sound condescending, but it looks like you need to adjust YOUR lifestyle to the "new" one you have now. It will probably change the way your Mom is acting if you involve her in everything. My Mom swears and yells and will not cooperate to do anything, I WISH, I could involve her in things without an argument.

Altersheim, I put it back on my siblings as much as possible. My mom is 75 and still lives in the house we were raised in. Never mind that it is a hoarder's mess, or that she would benefit from being around other people, she will NOT discuss a retirement home. She no longer drives. So I take her to church and grocery shopping. Anything else, I tell her to call one of my siblings. Next time she moans that you are doing something with your daughter, can you tell her to call her son and ask him when he is going to visit?

I agree with Emerald. When I can't handle Mom, I dial one of my siblings for her, and let her make them feel guilty for never coming to visit. It usually does the trick and one of them will show up.

I want to thank all of you for your replies. I am sorry - I was just so stressed yesterday that I had to vent! Thank you! I do appreciate your insight - and your kindness in taking out time from your busy lives to help me! I have been taking care of my Mom for over ten years now. I know she is scared and I try very hard to be supportive but am finding I just cannot do it alone anymore. In ten years, my brother and his wife - who live one hour away - have asked Mom to stay at their house only once and that was 3 years ago because - as it turned out - they unexpectedly needed a baby sitter for their 2 year old son - then got mad when Mom was too ill and fragile to feel comfortable watching him and brought her home on the third day . We meet occasionally for birthdays etc. but they only take her (without me) to dinner when they want to borrow money. The last time they asked for 6 thousand. To top it off - my sister-in-law doesn't even bother to call Mom for her birthday, or Christmas.... Mom's had 5 surgeries in 6 years - plus numerous drug reactions and they didn't come to help her with doc appts. or see her in the hospital at all. Not once. Oh wait - my bro did take her one time. I don't ask for help anymore because everytime I have in the past they just get mad and say no.

I have included her in absolutely everything but it has gotten to the point where if I say she cannot go she keeps asking which makes me feel guilty - for example, I had to go out of town for a job interview for the day - quite stressful for me having to travel and spend the whole day presenting myself to lots of people... - and she insisted on going with me. I didn't take her - but came back to find out that that was when bro and sis-in-law stopped by to ask for money - they knew I had the interview and wouldn't be there... Funny that they always have enough time for that!

Emerald4me - I have a friend whose Dad - before they got him in a nursing home - lived by himself. He refused to leave his house and he was a horder, too. My friend and her siblings put in some cameras - with his knowledge - in the kitchen, living room, dining room... (not the bedroom or bath) so that they could check in on him throughout the day on their computers (most of his children live out of town) to make sure he was doing alright and still taking care of himself. Someone was hired to stay with him a couple of hours a day - make meals etc. The cameras were also there to make sure the helpers did what they were supposed to - as they had had difficulties in the past with helpers not showing up or not doing any work. The helpers were also informed about the cameras.

WOW, Altersheim, and you still have time to hold down a job? I get angry when I read about how siblings take advantage of the situation and your good graces. My siblings do not do ANYTHING to help me, they both moved 900 miles away in different directions. But what REALLY gets my feathers flustered is when the one in Dallas tells me what and how I should be doing things. My INSTANT reaction to her is, well, if I'm not doing it like it should be done, I'll step aside and YOU can come and take over. Her reaction is, "I figured that is what you would say"...well, come on, ya visit once a year, and THEN it is only to go visit friends and go to Summerfest in Milwaukee. I haven't seen the other sister in almost FIVE years. They seem to think by verbally getting involved in things, it somehow helps the situation???
Since you are the primary caregiver for your Mom, you should sit her down and tell her you should be added to her bank accounts, it will make things go easier when you have to pay for meds, doctor appointments, etc. And keep receipts for EVERYTHING, and keep them organized in a file cabinet for future reference.

Sylvester, that would make my blood boil too. Don't help me out, but tell me how to do it. My brother, sort of, tried to pull that once. My mom had to go into the hospital 2 years ago for surgery. I was with her every single day of the 5 days she was in there. Then they were transferring her to a nursing home while she did her physical therapy. Brother called her a couple of times but was too busy to drive the hour and a half to actually visit. I had to go back to work and would not be with her during the transfer or the first few days at nursing home. Brother called and said "I really think someone should be with her as she gets settled into her new room." I said "I agree! Who is going to do it, you or your wife?" There was a moment of silence before he admitted he just thought I would do it.

emerald, see? He just ASSUMED you would just do it. Great comeback that you had! My Mom said to me today, "I feel so alone"...
My sisters should and WILL be ashamed of themselves sooner or later.

well you have to take control and action-first stop taking care of your mom full time-put her in an adult day care center or have a home attendant 8-8 ask her doctor /social services to provide this service for you because you can't handle it anymore.that's it, you are not going to resolve the problem just complaining about it- take action once and for all. believeme i also took action already.

You definitely should see about adult day health. Mom goes 3 days a week from 9 to 3. It's not much in the grand scheme of things, but will get you some much needed relief. I'm in Mass. and there is a program that pays for most of it. Mom only has a copay of $45 a month. It is well worth it!

Thanks for the tip on the daycare. Mom doesn't live with me but "The Queen" must be amused!!! We hired a woman to be her "friend" because mom & I don't get along. It's hard enough keeping up with a hoarder but to offer amusement to self obsorbed malingerer is beyond my scope. It took my husband & I three years to clean up my dad's estate & prepare the house for mom to sell it. Knee deep in mouse poop & dust bunnies; after 8 gallons of bleach it was sellable (as is). Enter the other nightmare...mom. It's been over 11yrs. now & I can't get a job because she keeps me soooo busy. I'm still shreding documents from 1940!!! The woman had NO filling system ever!!! I am not suzy homemaker, but good Lord! I can't straighten out her life and attend to my own also without throwing a tantrum of my own sometimes! What a horrible thing to do to anyone!!!! Please caregivers, do NOT do this to your children. This bloodline ends with me so I won't even be tempted to abuse my children because their aren't any!!!!

Hi--I just read your question and am wondering does your mom have some sort of dementia? What you may be hearing from her--is NOT her, bur possible her ailment which has taken over. I can understand how you feel, as I also have been thru a simialr situation as well. In my case, I did have my Mom evaluated-and eventually she moved into a facility for care-upon doctors suggesstion. You may want to do this as well. But whatever you do...you CANNOT beat yourself up over her reactions towards you.

As far as taking time for you-even joing a support group, or juist taking some ME TIME -in my opinion this is a very wise thought on your part. You also have the people here in this forum to vent to as well.

I know it is easier said than done...but DO NOT let your Mom's behavior towards you drive you crazy...try to be Good to yourself. We are or have been is a similar situation.

Good luck to you!

Hap

Sylvester18 and Emerald4Me,

Well, I'm glad I'm not alone - in having useless siblings - but I'm saddened that I'm not the only one. My Mom is for the most part easy going and I'm glad she is with me - I love her dearly and the only way I will put her in a nursing home is if I can no longer physically take care of her. That being said - I even need to take an 8 hour break from MYSELF every night. How do we get it across to siblings (in my case just one) that we aren't asking for a great time commitment but only perhaps a weekend or week here or there? Asking nicely, begging, or demanding has all had the same result - nada, zilch, nichts, nothing... On top of it is breaking Mom's heart because my bro and his wife have very little to do with her - even after everything she has done for them...

Ibarro, How did your parent(s) adjust to the adult day care?

Altersheim, Mom took a while to adjust to daycare, but now calls it school, and therefore cannot miss a day, or she won't graduate! It's a great way to get some time for yourself. Mom can be a little hard to handle when she gets home, but the 3 days at 6 hours a day, is a Godsend!
As for siblings, I don't beg anymore. Most of the time I don't even call them. Once you stop trying to get them to participate, you will have less stress. I try not to think about their lack of help anymore and I have less stress. Now I just have to get my husband to realize that it's useless to stress out over what the sibling do or don't do to help me!
Do what you need to do to get some down time. Hire home help if you can. Maybe if they see the money going to strangers, they'll think twice about helping. Good luck!