My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

My mom has two homes and two cars iand is 89. She does not drive but demnads to keep botj.Demands her two girls take care of everything. She is wealthy but we do it all including caring for these two homes. She spends the summer in her summer home while we rebuild the winter one with months of contractors. Then she expects us to drive and pick her up and do gardening work in the summer one. She never stops nagging and expecting. She does not care hjat I work full time. Her lists never end. We were raised to be servants and do not know how to stop with her abuse coming our way if we try. We clean and cook and take her everywhere. She promised to move into our homes but still wants to stay in her two, She says she wants to be independent but she is not.

No offense, but I would simply give her some polite options. If we maintain them, it comes out of your money and the people to help maintain it because you cannot. If that happens, a, b, and c will happen as a result.

Then state the other options. Sometimes giving options and the full scope and letting them choose gives them the control instead of demanding of them.

We are supposed to honor our parents. Realize that they are also in a frightening spot. Their life is changing drastically. Try giving her a choice by spelling out the details and see how that works.

Do we have the same Mother. Would you be able to create a space for her one of my friends lives with her daughter and family and has her own large room with a small bathroom itis her space I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of coffee or a strong drink I think you need to get her placed sooner than later she sounds horrible-the mental anguest she is giving you is not good for you-this is the place to vent for sure it kept me sane while taking care of the husband-I had to learn to ignor him-he really drove me crazy am surprised he did not live forever HE had no stress, Her mental state is reason to have her in a nursing home you have to think of yourself -my lawyer said 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are taking care of, When I stay with my mother I have to let her rantings go in one ears and out the other she picks on me and I could be crying all the time I know she hates me but is nice to my sister who spends the most time with her my husband was also very mean to me and he was completely dependent on me-I lost both ways. Make sure each day you say to yourself I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY until you believe it-no one deserves to be treated badly-write on my wall anytime and I will try to help you cope we can not cure only manage it-my friend.

Sad these Narcissists,,,,yep she trained you well. It seems she is healthy enough to do much of the planning and hire others if she needs to...where do you both really fit into this picture?

My mom called last night and says, "when you come to get me; I need red mulch down and the woods needs to be cut". We have not even finished her house reconstruction here. I was raised to obey and serve as the Bible says. She will abuse you verbally and harass you until you give in. Last night she was concerned about her outdoor kitchen grill that is rusty and she does not even cook. She killed my dad with all of this . He used to cry but he was raised to never divorce. I run a hugh school and work at my job 60 hours a week and commute three hours daily so I do not need more. I just cannot stand the constant nagging. My sister and I say we will stop but she goes behind our pact and does it and then I look like a fool. I have never trusted her.

Turn, why not let your sister do what she wants to do? Who cares if she does 'more' than you do anyway? Maybe she's able to NOT go crazy as easy as you, like you said you're already spread pretty thin anyway. Be your sister's support system, and let her do the heavy lifting. Don't let pride get in the way of letting go and letting your sister do what she wants with your mother.

My 83 yo mother is boring, lazy and self-absorbed. All she ever wants to talk about is herself, as she has no interests, so she can't carry on a conversation and makes excuses all the time. She's in a retirement home and she is the only one who never does anything, while the rest of her community mates are out doing activites, etc. We argue all the time, and it didn't used to be this way. I really don't like her and not interested in having a relationship with her because I have a big family to raise, and other things to do with my life than listen to her health problems or what she ate that day. Thanks for letting me vent. : )

All of you caregivers going through so much stress, depression and the like. Make sure you explore the possibility of an assisted living facility. I swore I would not allow my mother to go to one of those places and decided at 88 to have her come live with my husband and I, since she is in resonably good helath. Wrong. This may sound cruel but she near destroyed our life. Guilt kept me going , But then one day something snapped and I realized that this dream relationship I was imaging was never going to happen. We were never best friends and it just got worst.instead of better. After doing much investigation I found a really nice place for her. Four months later I am beginning to see the benefits not just for me but for her. She has a great room with an activity director and pleny of entertainment. A Beautiful patio and courtyard and a dining room where she has meals 3 days a day, a hair salon, ashuttle bus and 24 hour caregiving service with a dr on site. She has really taken to her new lifestyle and now I have mine back and my own family is happier. Please do yourself a favor and look into options. Get rid of the guilt. You are not the only one that can care for you mom. P.S the relationship is better then ever.

hello everyone i,am taking care of my 79 year old mom
i,am her care giver i have 3 other siblings that are all married and have there own life
i was never married so i,am that one who is lelf to take care of her she can not walk and won't do nothing to help her self out
she only wants one of her sons but he don't do nothing for her she even pays him to come can see her becouse that the only way he will to see her if she gives him money which is very sad
my mom talks and don't make any sense at all
i dont have anytime for my self anymore
i want to call homecare to help me out but my mom will not hear of it she also likes to play mind games with me all the time
i,am under so much stress sometimes i just want to walk away from it all
i know we just have one mother in this world and when she gone she gone forevery
i just feel like i,am all alone in this world

You're not alone. My mom is driving me crazy and I can hardly wait until she dies and leaves me alone.

What a cruel joke that they live so long.

My mom does not make sense either. She says one thing then changes her mind. She wanted half a sandwich like mine. I put one slice of bread in the toaster which is how I made my sandwich. She saw the toast and said she couldn't eat it because it was too hard. So I started again. When I was almost finished she said she wanted a whole sandwich not just a half.

It's slow thinking on her part and also mind games. I get so tired of it. I just leave the room.

The other day she wanted to know if I was avoiding her in order to make her feel bad. I laughed and laughed. I'm avoiding her in order to keep my sanity. It never occured to me to be cruel to her.

It's all about her. Everything. And she is sooooo boring.

I hate caregiving. I hate her.

oh sweeties,it is the worst of times i am there with my heart, weight and soul,

thank you very much dear hope your day has lots of sunshine an love.

My 84 yr. old father was an abusive husband and father when he was young...now...he's just as bad, just older. I moved across the street from my mom and dad when my sweet mother was still alive so I could have more time with her. She's been gone for 12 yrs. now,and as soon as she died...he acted like a man who'd been in prison for 48 years instead of loosing a spouse after 48 yrs. We've tried to help him manage his money and now he has almost nothing because of his gambling and womanizing. My father has physically attacked my husband and been verbally abusive to both of us. He even called the police on my husband, faking injuries and lying about what happened. If we had not had the relationship to the community we had, he may have been arrested. The officer wrote in the report that the injuries and the evidence at the scene was not consistant with what my dad had said. You see all these agencies for abused seniors, but, what about when the seiors are doing the abusing??? He has begining stages of demetia, but still lives on his own. He is having unprotected sex with these old ladies and when we try to talk to him about that...he says it's his businesss and we need to stay out of it, but, when they "break-up" he wants us to help him get belongings back,take him places, help with bills, etc. I am so tired of being treated less than human. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

Wow, I can't believe it. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I am not alone! I feel like I just found long lost sisters that were separated from me at birth. My mom is 84 with Dementia and also driving me crazy. I have always had this Love Hate relationship with her. I am her only daughter and you would think that she would adore me, Wrong!! I have always been the Cleaner, Cook and Caretaker. She adores her firstborn Son who doesn't even come around to see her. When I try to stimulate her memory, I'll ask her how many children she had in her life and their names. Funny how she only remembers her firstborn. I can't tell where (She) ends and Dementia starts. It's always been about her, her feelings, her pain, her problems. It's a thankless job being my Mother's caretaker but I believe in a GOD who is a rewarder of Good Things even though I feel like chopped liver:) Love You Sisters.

I know how this feels. My mother moved in with me in June. I had relocated to Maine from New York City to pursue a dream, and as sooon as I bought a house she told me she was no longer able to care for herself and needed to move in with me (she owned a house in Michigan). Fine. I orchestrated the process of getting her moved in...made a myriad of updates to the house to accommodate her special requests/needs. She suffers from clinical depression, along with numerous physical ailments. Living with her on a day to day basis is wearing and depressing.
Now I'm going through the process of her acting out, as I have determined that I wish to relocate back to New York...and am close to lining up a job. I have secured support from a company that helps you find affordable assisted living and independent retirement communities, and have toured a number of facilities to identify the best fit for my mother. As I've gotten closer to securing a job, my mother has become increasingly depressed...won't get out of bed, eat, take her medication. This is an ongoing pattern that has gone on for years. I just can't stand being around her at this point....I'm jumping through hoops to find her a great living situation and she provides no value, support or help. Her plan, while not verbalized, was that she would live with me for many years (just as she did for her parents, despite the fact that I told her this would be for a period of no longer than a year). I don't need answers from anyone. I just need to vent, and hope that someone can share a similar situation to make me feel I'm not alone.

Betanya, dump the dad. Move away if you have to, but enough already. Unless you're a martyr, in that case keep on taking it, and thinking you're helping him. Sounds harsh, but what you've been doing so far isn't working. Time for a new approach. DUMP THE DAD!!

Sick and Tired, you are not alone. I don't want to be a bitter old woman because of my mothers control over me. I have resisted this since I was a child. It made a whimp out of my brother. I have always had a Love, Hate relationship with her. Now I'm here dealing with it. I promised myself that this would not overtake me. I put her in her place when she gets out of hand. Now the shoe is on the other foot and she cannot deal with it. She has lost her control over me. Even in her Dementia I can see that she hates not being in control. I have decided that (God Willing) I will find her help in the Spring so I can pursue Nursing. I cannot let her smother my dreams. I still have a life to live. Keep positive. Do not lose your vision.

lrael2005, This will make you a better nurse some day. I hope you get to fulfill your dream of doing just that. Good luck.

You are right,naheaton,and I wish I could move. My husband's job was eliminated and our place is paid for, so for now...we are stuck. I appreciate the in put and it helps to vent. For now....I'm hangin in there.

I know what you are going through. I do have a job during the week so i have 9 hrs a day i dont have to deal with it. But the week-ends are no fun and i do not get to go see my daughters and grandkids because he cant be left for the other caregiver to take care of him cause he thinks they dont know how to do anything. dont know what would happen if i had to go to a hospital. so there are no vacations for me or day off. There is no answer to our problem but to grin a bare it and try to find some humor in the day.

WE MOM AND I have some changes do to her health in that she always forgets where things are and so on she could expect so much out of me only, she has 5 kids too but no one elst is to do her care but me, my Dad felt the same, my point is i cant seem to be with out her or she with out me, I feel like when my kids were at a daycare and I could not be without them, it feels funny when your the parent and they are the kid. these feeling drive my crazy, I dont go any where cause I am afraid something will go wrong if I am not there, how can I change this for the good of mom and my self,

I go places once in awhile but not for a whole day and nite. Things can go wrong even if you are there. Things happen that you wonder how come it came out ok. Because life is what it is and you have to roll with the tide.

jazzy how is your situation 1 year later?

I know what you are going through and know you can do it with help! Get out and give yourself permission to be you. It is so important to take time for yourself and it is also beneficial to your parent.
I have been my mother's caregiver for almost 11 years now and it has been a learning experience. One of the best things I learned is that it is not only about me and my struggles with her, but hers with me. My mother was orphaned out to a lot of relatives when she was young and so now that she has Altzheimers she is afraid to be left alone and sometimes gets anxious and cranky. At first, I took the crankiness as her being difficult. Then I remembered her past (which she is living in) and it has been easier for me to not take the crankiness personally.
Get some respite care and go be you!

anonymous5546.......Oh my goodness, I think we have the same Mother. How did this happen! Actually, I am lucky. My
Mom wants to go to a nursing home, she doesn't want to live with my brother or me. She thinks the nursing home will be like a cruise. (no she does not have dementia) She thinks we want her money because we tell her we will take care of her. Well she has talked me into it, a nursing home it is.

Oh reminds me of my dad. I tell him what im making for dinner for me and the kids and he asks for something else and tells me he doesnt like that "chicken" for example. This is not a diner get up off your lazy but and make what u want. "i cant see" I have macular degeneration" the eye doctor told both of us we are born with macular degeneration so stop with that u can see when i missed a spot on the floor cleaning but u cant stick a piece of toast in the toaster. Kithcen is close to Liers

You are not alone...I am being driven crazy by my father. You and I must come from the same slave mold. I dont smile anymore around him either. It should be a labor of love but it isnt for me. Conversations usually end up with us locking horns. I am also the youngest of four and the full responsibility is on me. I have decided on a residential care home for my father. Its a home in between assisted living and a nursing home. I have to or I will go mad and my marriage will go to divorce court. I have been living with father for 14 years now. I think we could have a better relationship if we didnt live with eachother. There will be guilt no matter but I think its for the best. Just know that you are not alone. I hope you find your answer that will restore peace and harmony to your situation. But remember that the answer is not always what everyone likes or wants... I would rather be glad to visit or have my father glad I visited then the bitterness brewing now.

I thnk they have "selective choice" built in. They can do what they want but have all knds of excused to not do other things. My Mother will come out of her room SEVERAL times a day with her walker...she takes things back and forth to her room on the walker...but she can't bring her dishes back out to the kitchen! She will wait for days then bring 4 days worth out and put them in the sink for me to wash when I get home from work. Once in a while she will do them or if my husband beats me home then he will do them. Point being that she can do them...just lazy. Then she comes out later when she is getting her drinks and shys " Oh I was going to come back out and do those". If she were unable I would just make a point to get the dishes in the am and evening. I just don't know how much to take on and how much to let her do. Suppose if I want to be less frustrated then I would just do it all...laundry too...but I don't do it to her specs....At least she eats what I fix for dinner and never complains about that...lucky there!!! Where's that rubber chicken when you need it????

Of couse the food is dried on like cement!

i love this site if not anything it makes me feel like im not alone and it is hard for me to vent to my girlfriend she just lost her dad so her thing is im lucky he is still here arrgh