My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

oh and i use paper plates because i am sick of washing dishes that i dont use he purposly does a terrible job whenever he atempts to do dishes so i wont let him. then he moves the paper plates to the side and uses the plates im ready to put the plates in storage

Yeah...I know...when she does put them in the dishwasher they go in with all the dried on food and I have to take them out and clean them. Man...sometimes it's the little stuff that gets to you. Can you spell STUBBORN? My husband keeps saying" thank goodness you are not as stubborn as she is!"

I know our smiles are limited these days, perhaps if you can write down anything humorous it does help! I took mother whom has Alzheimer's and dad to see a John Tess concert. At the break she was looking for something. I asked her what and she said, "Love the orchestra but they're too loud. I need my remote control to tone them down a bit !" ;)

Hi all! I thought I'd stop by and comment because even though I'm a "joint" caregiver to Grandma the statement "...I don't even smile around her anymore, just taking one order after another." just stuck with me when I read the topic for this thread.

Just this morning at 7:45 am....before I brushed my own teeth..before I went to the toilet myself, before I combed my own hair or found my own glasses... I hear "Will somebody get me outta this bed?" through the baby monitor we carry (like a lead weight around our necks in a pool to hear our summons to assist her). Before I can stumble up the steps to her bedside, she has repeated herself about 10 times in 60 seconds shaking her bedrails. Hey I love her, but at this moment instead of "Will someone get me outta this bed" it sounds more like "Will someone please club me in the head" and I am more than willing to comply! LOL. Of course I didn't club her but damn I so much feel like a slave.

The other day I noticed that I could barely smile when I responded to her calls for assistance. I was tired of being responsible. When I looked at her, she looked so tired and lonely I leaned over and gave her a hug. She clung to me hard. She recognized me then for being more than a wheelchair pusher, cook, and butt wiper...she smiled and her eyes were misty with emotion. It was one of those moments that made me think. Hey, maybe I can do this for one more day :D

thanks headbanger, i needed that , i have been there too. i try to think God has never given up on me, why would i give up on someone else. He says i feel sorry for myself and i know i dont just tired of all the hateful comments is something i can do with out. i never get a thank you or please. and if i get sick it is still all about him. sometimes his computer will have a word come across the screen that says something funny on its own like "ardvark" or makes me really think if someone is trying to tell me something when the word "Jesus" just came up on its own. so i always have mixed feelings an feel like i am going out of my mind. things arent the same as they used to be and i feel like we have the same illness, only diffence is he is trapped in his own body by not being able to move . and i am trapped by not being able to be free and go when i want. "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" is sometimes hard to do.

A very wise person once told me that the reason I get upset when my husband does something that drives me crazy, is that I expect too much of him. If I didn't expect too much, I wouldn't be disappointed when he does something or doesn't do what I wanted him to do. I try to remember this. I say I try - but sometimes, I forget and then I get upset.

I could have written that myself. I'm a babyboomer. My mother is driving me crazy. I have four siblings but I'm the only one who takes care of her. She treats me like a slave. I can't have a conversation with her either because she suffers from hear loss or she doesn't agree. Plus everything I say is stupid. Everything is my fault. There are no support groups in my country. I feel trapped and alone.

Nicky, the one thing you are not is alone. The real question becomes, when can you let go of your mother's control over you?

The thing is that is more than likely a baseline personality issue. You will not be able to change it, so it becomes a choice of how to cope.

I am my mother's only provider. However, I did get to a point, and still can easily be provoked to the point of if she goes past a certain line I have determined in my mind, she is on her own. Seriously. She can become a ward of the state if that is the case, but when push comes to shove, my mom knows that I am serious when I draw the line in the sand. No matter what extent she goes to, she "knows" when enough is enough and she won't like the result.

I refuse to be held hostage to her behaviors. I learned that about 6 years ago and I had to decide if my sanity was worth it. It is and so I learned boundaries. Oh those are not easy, but it can be done.

We can be pitiful or we can be powerful but we cannot be both.

My sister is the primary caretaker for my elderly parents. I live with my family 325 miles away, give them financial support and try to visit as often as possible (5-6 times a year). My parents still live in their own home and absolutely refuse to go into asisted living. My sister lives a couple of miles away. I know my sister is frustrated and I feel gulity not being there. My mother is a very difficult and has 9 cats who urinate and poop all over the house. There are litter boxes all over, she feeds the cats on her kitchen table and threatens to call the police on the my siter or the aides if they try to stop her. We have called social services, office of the aging and they say there is nothing we can do. Eldercare experts have said that unless they agree, we can't make them leave their home.The house is filthy because my mohter is also a hoarder. We have taken three 30 yard dumpster loads out of the house over the last 2 1/2 years (That only emptied 2 1/2 rooms-it is a three story colonial, built in the 1850's.) We have 2 aides that come in a total of 6 days for three hours a day, to bathe my mother, do laundry and make light meals. If my father leaves the house, my mother will start calling my sister every 5 minutes until he comes home. I know my sister is very frustrated, but short of moving home, I don't know what to do tohelp her.

wow I thought i had it bad with my mother I feel for you. go to the support groups as much as you can. i was my moms care giver for 1 year actually a little over a year 209 2010 were very hard years for me i was taking care of mymom i did every thing for her i couldnt get any help.i didn't got to the support groups i couldnt get any body to sit with my mom. i did speak to alzhemers hopt l;ine coumselloers . I recently lost mymom December 10. she wa at the late stages of this desease i had to put her in a nusring home she was too difficult for any kind o nursring care at my home, I can understand what your going through iwas so burnt out back inthe fall wehn my mom lived with me. s her meds stopped working she stopped eatting she kept falling i had to get her tothe hospital i told the social workers she needed 24 hr care i had agency come her my mom was fighting every one she as admitted permittly to a nh was ther about 3 weeks. mymom was 92 yrs old whne she passed. away. iwas able to talk tomy mom much i can relate to you all she did was oder me around alot. the alzheimers assocation I spoke to all the time right up to the end. she drove me crazy i couldnt sleep i almost went inthe hospital in September i was getting sick. do have any aides coming over to thelp you? It sounds like you need a break maybe respite care. Dont do whati did get burnt out. i tryed gettingmom into day programs she wouldnt go. thaaaaaat was one avialable option forme. i was going to have her put in for repite care thanthis happened her late stages took over ihad her put in permanely I lost her. Take care of yourself Ihope you get some help

Paula, you're not alone. I begin to think thank my Mother thougth I was the hired help. Everytime she sees me you has something for me to do, even when I am sitting to take a break from the job I'm doing. So thank you! I don't feel so alone, I know someone else is going through this.

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My mother in law is driving me crazy also.My husband and I got married 2 yrs ago have been liveing with her to care for her.I quit my job have gave up everything,And she acks like she dont care.Now she wants to charge me and hubby rent,We would not be here if it wernt for her to take care of her.She gets so hatefull at us.I need a support group I am so depress and I dont smile that much anymore.Please can someone help me out.

I know how you feel. My husband and I are the primary caregivers for his Mom who has alsheimer. Although he doesn't do much giving care. So it's left to me. I am so afaird to leave her with him because he just doesn't watch her. So I don't get any time out. I am about to go crazy.She does talk anymore unless you ask her something. She will go all day without going to the bathroom. Thank God for depends. She just recently stoped eating hardly anything. She turned 80 and it's like she gave up.

Thanks,I'm at the point I ont know what to do anymore.My hubby helps out when he can,But he as to work.Hubby and mom had an aguement lastnight,She said she was going to take him out of the will,He as a sister and brother that dont help and she wants to treat us like this.We pay all the bills here and she said we should pay her rent,I am just blowed away.My hubby said she should pay me something she said why should I she gets room and board.She dont relize we would'nt be here if it wer'nt for her.

I know what you mean on the free stuff. We would not be here either if it weren't for her. She pays the condo dues but that is it. We pay for everything else. It was her home but we took it over and refinanced...it was by no means paid off and needed alot of work. Food, mortgage, utilities taxes...it adds up and it is like she just expects it and gets upset if we are out of her "favorites". We did start making her pay for her booze and sweets though. It seems to help abit. And she keeps turning up the thermostate...it is at 71but that does not seem to be warm enough and turns it down in the summer as she is too hot...can't win!

I can so relate to jazzy1 and anonymous5546. I have often said that my Mom has so got me back for my teen age years! I was rebellious and now I know exactly how she may have felt. I continue to struggle with my care giving duties, the responsibility, the lack of support from siblings, not having an adequate break, lack of pay for my services, Mom's memory loss and overall disrespect for the services I provide now, and the support I have given her in the past when there was no one else there. I some times go absolutely insane, cannot communicate with her because I have to repeat myself three or four times and then I can tell she still didn't comprehend what I said or grasp the situation. She follows me around the house, "what are you doing now?", "where are you going?", "I couldn't find you (when I am on the back porch or in the bathroom), and I was scared". Maybe I just need to vent this morning! The other day, everything she said was a big negative, it's snowing, I'm cold, my nose is running, as she was following me around, and I escaped into the computer room for a few moments before she followed me and sat down. I asked her do you have anything positive or good to say today? She replied "No, not really"! I continue to try to see the humor, however, sometimes it is a little cloudy. Thanks for letting me vent.

I know how you feel. I care for my mother-in-law. My husband, I think is trying not to see how bad she has gotten so most times he just ingores her if he can. Her only other son lives in Fla. and him and his wife wouldn't dare keep her. I feel so guilty for wanting a life back or just wanting one day on my own. Because I know if I'm not there no else will be there.

sometimes if they want you to feel sorry for them or get a response from you is to say hurtful things. the tongue is very sharp and cuts to the nerve. it is their way of hurting you so you will feel bad for the way you respond to them . even if you are trying ever thing to stay in control of your feelings.

My mother won't tell her doctor when something goes wrong with her. She waits til it gets much worse, then he comes and she tells him. Everything bad that happens can be traced back to her secret-keeping. There is no way to convince her to do it differently. Because she believes in telling people (me, the doctor, everyone) what they want to hear, agreeing to everything, and doing as she pleases.

My

Been there done that.

my mom lost her husband 11 years ago. We live together my sister and I in a one family mother daughter home. Mom has been and is very willful. She of late has become more and more difficult. She critizes everything. Nothing is good enough for her. She fights us tooth and nail. I work all day and my sister is the day car provider. Mom is 82 and still able to think clearly and move around on her own and is in good health. But she has turned into a nastly griping miserable person. Nothing pleases her, nothing is good enough for her. And when something does't go right, she pounces on us and incessantly goes on and on about it. She is extremely difficult. There's is much more I can say, but writing becasue my sister is at her last straw. She is like an abused child taking all this from my elder mom. Don't know how to proceed. I've tried explaining this to mom many many times. But her point of view is that she is the mother and what she says goes. She also doesn't see how she has changed and is isn't interested in what we have to say. All she seems to be interested in is what is good for her. We have busy lives me working and taking care of the outside of the house and my sister taking care of my mom and all the house chores. We spend weekends handling the errands. We take here out to grocery stores and to atlantic city now and them and we take for clothes shopping every now and them. We try to do stuff, but we the responsibilities we have just plain were us out. Mom doesn't drive and feels trapped. She has never driven and depended on my dad to taker her places. They were never the type to go out and around very much, but now the only time mom goes out is when we take her. We take her to church every couple of weeks and when she wants to go to a specific store or place, we try and take her. But she is mean and nasty. My sister is so worn down. We don't know what to do any more. Don't know what is right or wrong. I feel like the parent who has to admonish the child for being bad. Now I have to go home and admonish my mom for making my sister cry and making her feel bad. But it won't do any good, because it's as if my mom doesn't hear me. As if she doesn't care what we feel, but only does and says what she wants. We don't want to be around her anymore and just take care of her needs and then go down to our own apartment. But Mom is getting worse. We take her for her regular dr appointment every 3 months and she won't let us go into the room with her ... otherwise i would try and tell the doctor a bit about her beahviour. But tell you truth don't think it's a medical issue, but just that her personality has changed. My father died from lung cancer and it was a trying time for all. We understand that my mom has a loss, but we all have to live together and move on. I am 54 and my sister is 50. We are not married and not children any longer. Forget that we don't have any lives, not that we are complaining, but just the day to day dealing with mom is killing us. Not sure why I'm writing this. Just feel so lost and helpless. Also feel like a bad person. But I am not and my sister surely is not. How do you deal with a mom who you can't make happy, who nothing pleases and who is just nasty and hurtful.

Wow

Who would have thought that after all that therapy and coming to terms with my childhood that simply moving my aging mother into my space would set off such a powerfull chain reaction. I don't think there is anyone that has met my mother that does not like her. She is sweet. However, living with her is, lets just say challenging. I am so stressed right now that I feel like I am about to explode. She just annoys me in general. And then, when I feel annoyed, I feel guilty for being annoyed with this "sweet" woman. She talks non-stop about virtually nothing. I become annoyed and then I feel guilty for being annoyed and the viscious circle begins! I raised two children as a single mother. They both have masters degrees and I invested much of myself in them. Now that I am 50 I was ready to be "free". I felt like it was my time. Now here is mom. I feel trapped. I honestly do not know how to deal with all of these feelings that are coming up. I feel like this situation will destroy the rest of my life and then I chastise myself for being so selfish. I hope is that I am not alone and that I am not a "bad" person.

What2donow,

You are NOT a bad person! Everyone likes my mother too, but when she moved in with me it simply did not work. We were like oil and water. She is set into a very rigid routine (up by 5:45 everyday, etc.) with no wiggle room. I'm 51 with a husband and a 14 year old. I felt like my life was over and I was staring into an abyss only coming out on the other side after her death which I dread because I love her so much.

Mom is unable to come to stand on her own due to breakages from severe osteoporosis so I was at her beck and call 24/7. My poor dad waited on her like this for five years before dying from a brain tumor last December. I quickly saw that my life was headed in the same direction from the overwhelming stress.

If there's any way you can get her into assisted living, do it! My mom fought me tooth and nail over the issue, but if I can get it done, you can too. She went to an AL a little over a month ago and viscerally hated me at the time. Now she's adjusting pretty well, lots of complaints (of course), but I'm actually feeling like her daughter again. Best of all, we've regained our ability to love each and not live in uncomfortable silence.

You are not selfish. What was your mother doing at 50? Would she want you to feel your life is over? Sometimes we caregivers put ourselves in other people's shoes so much that we forget we are supposed to LIVE in ours as well. Hugs to you. This is so very difficult.

"Last night I was crocheting a afghan for the children in India, our ladies at church are meeting on Tuesdays and making quilts and blankets for the children and I can't attend because I work." "I am considering talking to a psychologist where I work but the money is also a factor"
Jeeeze, I have been taking care of my 80 year old mom for two years, and hope and pray that I NEVER get as bitter as this person. Yes, it is hard, yes, there are days that you don't even want to get out of bed to start the day again. The days that you will scream if you hear the same stories again. The days that you leave grocrery carts setting in the middle of the store and leave, because you called home and didn't get an answer, only to get home and find she has fallen asleep and didn't hear the phone. The days you come home from the store to smell smoke in the house from something burning on the stove, that she had forgotten she started. The nights without more than a couple of hours sleep at a time, because you get up checking on them. Much like they did for us, when we were babies.. And the mornings that you are afraid to go into their room, because you don't know if they will still be breathing.. And you stand there and think, "what will I do" !?!? if that is what I find.. And then you cry, and cry and some days you cry some more...
Thats when you start thanking your God for the things that he HAS given you...
But you pray, and you ask your God to get you through one more day. Your thank your higher power for this day, because you know its going to get worse, not better. And you ask for strength, not just for yourself, but for her/him too, because your going to need more tomorrow than you did today.. You pray for a sense of humor, because your sure the heck gonna need that more than anything!!
And then you start thanking your God, for all the blessings that you DO have..
If you can't find any blessings in your life, then you have more problems than just your Mother.. Maybe some of the ladies in your church can take time off from quilting to help you.. Or maybe one of the phychologist that you work for would take you pro bono if they knew your situation...
Good luck

"Last night I was crocheting a afghan for the children in India, our ladies at church are meeting on Tuesdays and making quilts and blankets for the children and I can't attend because I work." "I am considering talking to a psychologist where I work but the money is also a factor"
Jeeeze, I have been taking care of my 80 year old mom for two years, and hope and pray that I NEVER get as bitter as this person. Yes, it is hard, yes, there are days that you don't even want to get out of bed to start the day again. The days that you will scream if you hear the same stories again. The days that you leave grocrery carts setting in the middle of the store and leave, because you called home and didn't get an answer, only to get home and find she has fallen asleep and didn't hear the phone. The days you come home from the store to smell smoke in the house from something burning on the stove, that she had forgotten she started. The nights without more than a couple of hours sleep at a time, because you get up checking on them. Much like they did for us, when we were babies.. And the mornings that you are afraid to go into their room, because you don't know if they will still be breathing.. And you stand there and think, "what will I do" !?!? if that is what I find.. And then you cry, and cry and some days you cry some more...
Thats when you start thanking your God for the things that he HAS given you...
But you pray, and you ask your God to get you through one more day. Your thank your higher power for this day, because you know its going to get worse, not better. And you ask for strength, not just for yourself, but for her/him too, because your going to need more tomorrow than you did today.. And most of all you pray for a sense of humor, because your sure the heck gonna need that more than anything!!
And then you start thanking your God, for all the blessings that you DO have..
If you can't find any blessings in your life, then you have more problems than just your Mother.. Maybe some of the ladies in your church can take time off from quilting to help you.. Or maybe one of the phychologist that you work for would take you pro bono if they knew your situation...
Good luck
And I will leave you with an amusing story. I have a German Shephard, that if you don't close the toilet lid, has a tendency to drink out of it.. I shouldn't say drinks out of it, its more like someone turned a water hose on in there, guess he thinks its a kiddie pool... Well, Mom left the lid up the other night and later she comes stomping into the living room ( this woman only weighs 80 pounds, and sounds like a bull elephant coming through the house. The madder she gets the heavier she walks!)
She says "I just want you to know that I DID NOT pee in that bathroom floor!!
Chin up ladies, with any luck at all, we still have tomorrow...

My Mom is difficult, hard headed, and can be mean spirited but that is not a new trait, it's just one that I have to be subjected to more often now. I can never remember wanting to be near this woman, and now, I am stuck with almost all of her care because I am that lucky kid that did not move far away years ago. I am sad for her and I want my life back. I feel everything from gult to rage to sorrow and I often remember all of the times that I really needed her and she was busy with her own life. Now, she demands every free minute I have. I am a retired professional caregiver and I am burnt out with elderly people since I have done this for money since I was 17. I feel like the prostitute that comes home to a horny spouce! I'm so eager to live my own life now, time is flying and my hair is more silver than hers. Maybe it would be different if we were close, but, we never were. I don't want to go to support meetings because that is yet another hour or two that my Mom will own of my life. I want to spend my extra time with my spouce, not discussing how awful this is for me. She has out lived two of her five children already. She refuses to wear depends and so I drag her crappy clothes to my house to wash them everyday. I take her dinner seven days a week at 4 or 5 and she calls at 7 demanding another dinner right when my husband and I sit down to eat our dinner. When I tell her to call my brother (I have one locally) but she tells me that she doesn't want to bother him. He is the only son left on earth and I guess that makes him special. My sister lives three hours away. None of her remaining children are able to feel anything but the burden of her demands, no joy when we are with her, she wasn't close to any of us or her grandchildren. She wasn't the type that should have ever had children. Her sister just died at almost 100, my Grandmother was the same age, she is 87. They all had the same tenatious combative spirit that makes one cringe. My eldest brother lived with her, he died suddenly two years ago, (the meal he fixed her was on the table when he fell dead in her bathroom) her youngest son did all of her business and he died last year. I keep thinking she is trying to kill all of us off before she goes. My Dad has been gone since 2000. He was bitching about her all the way to the hospital, he died a few days later.....Oh well, I hate to whine, but, I find myself doing just that all to often these days.

Hello Freinds and caregiver i know its very hard caring for your mother i do to take care of my 80 year old mom i never get to go out i do have homecare to come in to give her bath's in the morning becouse she can not walk at all she sometimes treats me very meen to but i block it out i know its very hard i live with it everyday
now she don't want homecare she makes up all kinds of things that they are hurting her went they bath her i know its not ture i Have Von And they are very good workers but she hates them all and gives me a hard time about them but i know its the best thing for her she also likes to play mind games with me and my family members god pless all the people who try so hard to make live better for other people i know we will Bless in all you do someday

I have an 83 yr. old mother. She is negative 90% of the time and calls me to complain constantly. I handle her bills, her medicines, her insurance reimbursement filings, her banking, her home maintenance etc. etc. I had to take away her credit cards (she had 20) and her check book. She asked me for a blank check to pay contractors. Instead she cashed it for $1,000 and went out and bought items she didn't need or already had. Now she is demanding more money and always says "It's my money (of course it is) and I'll spend it like I wish.
She makes pledges to phoney charities who call and she get tons of magazines that make no sense. I have had no real life for 5 yr. now. Fun times...