I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
You're spot on, as I also said no one likes hospitals. Nothing Special said the people that work there do, that was a very immature response.
I also had to go beyond my comfort zone, someone has to do it. I'm not good with bodily fluids, well when you have to help someone wipe themselves you learn to deal with it.
Personally I think Nothing Special should have started her own thread, not comment on this one which is about do nothing siblings, clearly it is a common problem. Over 300 comments and most of them tell the same exact story.
You won't let it go, showing me a problem you may need to work on. You also used the group to speak about me as if I am not present. Another tactic of abusive types or someone feeling threatened.
No one is MAKING ypu read post you have difficulty with. As.to the point of this thread. I see others have joined to seek understanding why some syblings might not help. It could be due to family dynamics, abuses, or the sttitude of the POA or primary caregiver. Exclusion of people that can show another view is usually enlightening,even if we don't agree with them we can learn.
I am also.typing on a mobile phone, was emotional reliving the experience, and all.
I hope we got that settled. I will allow your emotions or defensiveness has you responding in the manner you do.
People that focus on the details of correctness and not the message are a HUGE peeve of mine.
I really do think it's useful that you shared here, and every situation is not exactly the same - If the caregiving has not gone on very long, then all the questions and issues you bring up, make sense.
What happens however, that if it goes on a long time, a huge gap in perspectives develops. The at home caregiver ends up learning to live with worry, and ongoing interruptions in their days to meet needs of the ill person. Being close at hand, one rises to the occasion, and that's hard, and often life changing. The perspective gap just happens - the direct care person sees the changes as they evolve over days, weeks, months, years, and I found it is VERY hard to convey to my other siblings, what happened, how I felt, or what I need - it seems like a huge extra effort even to figure out what would help, for I'm used to ad-libbing and learning as I go. And Countrymouse is right - the close at hand caregiver does know best - about the likely triggers and the risks, the details because they learned those over time. Doesn't mean they are always doing the best but it does mean they are the most attuned to changes, for we learn to watch and listen, and disrupt our days, nights, plans, to meet the needs.
I agree with you however, that other sibs might do better if they were let in, or had someone explain to them, or were given a list of alternative tasks they might do to help the caregiver in some others ways. But conversations are very hard, because the close sib and the farther sib have different life worries, and it's not easy for them to care about each others You can tell what happened, but not convey the worries. Like trying to tell someone without children, what it takes to be a parent. So much involvement, struggles one rises to the occasion to meet, just because you are the closest one there - and in the process you try to learn how to cope adequately. So time gets thrown out the window, as the needy person absolutely needs help, when they do. More able people can wait, so the help they get can fit better into the other person's convenience. A local caregiver's perspective is changed, by doing the extra steps, sometimes long hours to handle precarious situations; the energy spent trying to be many things to the disabled person - and time goes on, and the needs continue.
I understand Irishboy's comment about the hospitals. The point is, the sibling who accompanies the person to the hospitals, doesn't like them either. But - and maybe you'd get the child analogy - when your loved person needs the hospital, you just go. I had to get beyond my fears and distaste, reactions, when my disabled brother needed help - as the only person nearby, I tried to reassure him, communicate with doctors, tried to learn new information and tried to implement new instructions, all the while praying that one is doing it adequately well, and will not make a mistake. My older brother told me once, he wouldn't go, as he hates hospitals - and I thought: What? You think I (or anyone) LIKES them when you have a loved one who needs one? It was just something hard that came with the role. When a pet, a child, or elder needs care, we hold them, try to reassure them, even when we feel afraid and hate it. No one likes it when it involves worry over a person under your care. It has nothing to do with working in one. The hard part is trying to be helpful in a situation of worry and lots of information being given.
I'd better end here, or Irishboy will be after me too. We need his direct talk. But I hope you can take time to try to find some analogy that will let you understand the caregiver brother's good points. I understand as teh caregiver sib for my brother for many, many years - how frustrating it is, when other family members are enjoying and developing their lives, and mine was wrapped up in my brother's care. Because I saw it was helpful to him, I kept on. I wished my other siblings lived closer, or that we had found some routine task that they could do repeatedly, so we could have stayed in contact over the time. But I gave up trying to describe the difficulties to them - they could hang up the phone and go back to their lives, I hung up the phone, and looked at the many tasks I needed to get done, so as to do as decent a job of care as I could.
But when I asked Nothing Special to write using paragraphs(sorry I give up reading posts that have run on sentences and is a mess) I got a smart aleck reply.
How difficult is it to make your post readable?
I hear you, I see what you are writing, I am a paid caregiver, but I choose to quit my great career 10 years ago to care for and have my mother and father move in with my husband and I because she has Alzheimer's. I have two sisters.
They are older.
I think that "HATE" takes too much energy for you. I think you should first say, everyone and to my sisters and brother's this is a free world.
I will tell you that once my sister had a horrible event in her life. Her husband passed suddenly. She was only 41, he was 10 years older.
Everyone started telling her what to do. There is something that goes off in many siblings, when one tells the other what to do.
Possibly you (like I), am a person that does enjoy helping my mother with late stage Alzheimer's and my father with last stage "mute" PPA Primary progressive Aphasia.
Why do I enjoy it. Because I know, they didn't ask for it, they didn't say, oh I can hardly wait for the last 10 years of my life, so I can make my children's lives miserable. I know, that they would have wished for none of this at all.
I spend my nights and days making neat design looking note cards for my father as he cannot talk anymore, overnight just like that. He is smart as anything, but the words are not there (it is progressive, and he possibly has 6 months to 1 year). I am making the best out of it.
So, my parents lived with me for two years, then my father really was going downhill, and we moved my mother into Assisted living focused on Alzheimers' mental decline.
I decided a long time ago, how much energy I was wasting, but worrying where were my sisters. Stop forget about it. So many sisterhood brotherhood relationships just get messed up, and mine is no different, because of the stress of aging parents.
Does your mother have assets, or is this on your back. That, I cannot advise you of.
Billing your siblings, I think that is not the way to go.
But, I am not against what you wrote, I am saying, I am hearing you, I feel for you, I understand, but it sounds and do not take this wrong, that you "resent" doing this?
I know that none of us signed up for this, as our parents did not sign up for it, as if let us say your mother had a child that was handicapped "she did not sign up for it".
It is called parenting, family, doing what you feel is the best thing that you can do.
I will say, I did become a very real person with caregiver burnout, and ended up as most know with an awful physical medical situation, that ended up causing me to lose almost all my hair and lose 60 lbs. in 6 months.
Life is too short, look in the mirror, I know the tremendous tremendous amount of time and effort and life you are giving up for your own personal needs to take care of your mother, but the way I worked this in my mind was this.
My parents did an awful lot of good, and there was some bad (alcoholism) in my mother. The good was that I was given a roof over my head, and I was given the best they could. They were middle class, and when I look back, I am the youngest, and the other two observed at a very early age, that I was the "more responsible one" to come to the aid of my mother. I assister her in getting sober, not to her liking, but she never took drink again after age 53. Does that make me a hero. No. Do I expect anything from my sisters, No, Do I hate them, NO. What do I think: It makes me realize that every human being is different and we can all try to lead our siblings to water but making them drink, pay us money, show them what we do, tells me that we either, need the money desperately to support mother and you, or your heart is not happy. Pretend they do not exist. I get it, I am living another total nightmare with my two sisters, where they have brought my son into the situation, and if you read my posts you will get it. I feel the pain of your letter, I don't think hating is going to help you, billing is going to help you, spending hours writing down how many depends you change, etc. What I think is going to help you is coming to terms with you, and what you are doing, and finding serenity and peace in life you are living at the moment, regardless of what they are doing. You are doing an incredible job and service in live that none of us, ever ever signed up for.
I would say, find a good person in eldercare or at the senior center to talk to. I found that when I was at the brink of caregiver burnout. That resulted from caring for a woman 11 - 13 hours a day, no family very demanding, and when I did get sick one day, and had a 103 fever, she called me up and told me that I was the worst person in the world. I was not, I was the only person me and my husband that were a part of her life, she was lonely and dying. Now she is gone. I got very ill, I have somehow managed to keep working, and now, I am not in elder care.. Yes, my parents are living, not with me. They live in different rooms at assisted living, because I found that the life insurance they paid, had 8 years a piece of 100% paid NURSING HOME, NOT ASSISTED LIVING insurance, so I fought the attorneys of that policy and won. It is a win win. I have a little of my life back. My parents are there, doing the best they can every day, and to see the smile when I walk in every time I can, means more to me than anything. I know one day they will pass, but I will remember that in the end, it is not the anger of what my sisters did, the money they took from my father (that will be discovered and is being discovered now), and they will be held accountable, but chaos for caregivers is really a lot of stress. Deal with today, the present, and what you can do to be the best person you can be. If your mother is too much "which it is" I have been there, It is way too much without a break for you. I know many many people that took one day out of their lives to assist me. I would have 1 day ever month to myself. Yes at 55, I thought, great my kids are raised, college educated now it is my time, my time to take care of my parents, was the rest of that sentence. I did have time to get another degree before my parents needed me. I did quit a career that I loved, and found that caregiving, be it helping a young mother and father in need of transporting their children, taking someone to the doctors, all of that is helping. You need to set your boundaries, and be happy with the person that you look at every day in the mirror. I will also say that there are many of these assisted living, and I am not sure of all of the ailments, but I know about what you wrote, that will take your mother for 1 week, or possibly 2 for a reasonable amount of money. I know some will think I am crazy, because assisted living is expensive, but I have found ways to get financial help within our community. I am far from rich, but I am rich with love, gratitude, grace, compassion, and thankful that I through this website realized that if I did not get a break, I was going to die before my client. So paid or non paid, we typically all get into this because of a loved one as I did.
Hang in there I am on your side, but "Hate" takes far too much energy from you.
Smile at them, tell them how lovely you are doing, silence is golden, and then maybe they will be curious.
I will say, I do hope there is a will, and I do hope that there is some way for you to be compensated, either by a house gifted to you or something, if not, remember, you are loved by this community just for doing what you are doing.
All the best.
However hostile my post may appear to be I promise you some of the "I do it all" posters are every bit if not more hostile. Toward the parent AND the siblings. Insert my brother MINUS the care most of you give, as he is NOT in that category as HE sees he is and therein lies the problem. The one with POA has all the power and sometimes that power corrupts.
Please understand, your family situation is not the norm. It's very unfortunate but also unique. It sounds like you think people here would judge you for not helping, but I can't imagine that. You've tried to help but were rebuffed. That's a totally different situation than what the posters here are talking about. I'm sure all of us would love to have a real, concerned sibling in our families who was actually offering to help. Take a shift watching Mom or Dad, bring in some food, whatever. You have a lot of justifiable anger towards your brother, but it's misdirected here. Just sayin....
And I thank you for the patience to relay your point with compassion.
What if everyone said "I can't go as I hate hospitals"...PLEASE. I have a very weak stomach but you put on your big boy/girl pants and you deal with it.
And have you ever heard of a paragraph? Your posts are very hard to read.
Very off putting and really did a vote get taken at any point in time among your siblings to put you in charge? Power of attorney in itself can create HUGE resentments and should.only be used as a tie breaker of last resort if your siblings areguilty of abuses. Many POA GET REVOKED, Everyone gets tired of being bullied To do exactly as expected or else.
Two..specific questions. Dont say I need help. Say mother needs help...is there anything..you want to do or could do? Or maybe add I know you love to read maybe you could read mom some stories or sit and go through the photo albums with her will I run errands or do the wash? Start small and accept with gratitude for anything they come up with..Show your siblings respect. I know it is hard but it could be the approach That works. Listen to them,,,,maybe one could pick up the groceries ....another pay the bills or maybe one could mow the yard or just anything is one less thing YOU will have to do. Not everyone will want to jump in and do what YOU think they should.
You may have POA over you mother or dad but you dont have it over your siblings in fact they may resent the hell out of you for that prize alone. You got it you deal could be there on their end right from the get go. This is something you dont want right off tbe bat. You pulling rank on them wont result in them snapping there heels and saluting you. BAD START.
My brother got POA and he never cared for anyone that even had the flu..and me and sis KNEW he was ill equipped. I had four kids..she had two...so we had our share of "nursing. HIS "success in life wasnt a strong reference for how he got the job either.
We were smart enough to know how and why he got it....that didnt mean he was the expert on everything..but he sure thought he was. Seperate your title from the tasks...you will have better respect and probably.more cooperation.
A good leader or boss doesnt have to keep reminding everyone he is the leader or boss.
I'm thinking about a couple of points you made. All the things you (lovingly) took to your parents' house to help out… your brother's 'I know best' attitude… they're the kind of thing that make me wince. My brother and SIL bent over backwards, as I'm sure they see it, to help me by insisting that my mother go and stay with them for a week. They were completely sure not just that they could take care of her as well as I could, but that actually they'd do a better job because she would have more stimulation and activity and company at their house, and she'd have a wonderful time. My SIL hunted down a brilliant new rollator for her. They rearranged their living room so that she could sleep next to their downstairs bathroom. All kinds of things, huge effort went into it.
Well, I got her there, and I got her back a week later, completely wrecked. The rollator ran much too fast for her, my SIL chivvied her around believing that the exercise would do her good, and this brought on daily episodes of atrial fibrillation - she had a major stroke a couple of weeks later. My SIL's encouragement of independence meant that mother didn't ask for any help and got a staph infection under her breast - that's what happens when you're ninety, taking unaccustomed exercise, and you don't take your bra off (because you can't) for four days and nights straight. I'd given them detailed notes about what care she needed. I don't know whether they straight out disagreed, or whether they never even read them. Perhaps they were just fed up with my "I know best" attitude.
So although I am sorry that your brother didn't do anything, really, to maintain *your parents'* right to have a relationship with their daughters and their families, I can see where his resentment and impatience led him astray on that. When you've been the main caregiver for that long, you DO know best, and it takes forever to explain, and you end up sounding like you're making excuses to exclude anyone who's trying to help. It looks like control-freakery, and in a way it is, but you're afraid that if you stop controlling then things will go wrong; and I can't tell you how sickening it is when you do let go, and things do go wrong, and the damage is irreparable. Years of care and work and love all gone to pot, and there's nothing you can do about it.
I don't share, and I don't agree with, your brother's belief that his position in the family entitles him to take the lion's share of the estate; but I know that some people in a similar position do. They feel they've earned it. I'm sorry he feels that way, and I'm sorry that his bitterness towards you has led him to do some things that are not good for your parents, let alone anyone else. If only we had a rewind button.
I have not spoken to a mother i loved a great deal in over a year as she supposedly doesnt want to see me and this was done regarding my father too when he was ill and died less than two months later. Why?
According to my brother we did nothing for our mom or dad. Is this totally true,no, is this even partly true,yes because he was impossible to deal with in every way.
HIS. attitude of "entitlement and resentment" got him good. How did he get this way? Because he lived rent free at my parents place for over 40 years and. Basically never grew up and thought he had a forever free ride. My sis had hardships did she ever get an offer to "catch a break" and get offered anything let alone years of mooching off the folks? Nope. Meanwhile myself. From the time I was 16 lived away from home never went back. All my life asked nothing of my folks...until I had a high risk pregnancy...PAID my Mother to come watch my toddler as ordered to bed rest to save the life of this second child. The only other time I ever asked and got...was when I put up a tent at the farm between a house closing and new home ready to move into. 4 months and I paid rent for the space and bought all tbe groceries for everyone including my moocher for life brother. He became a grown man that never left home married but never had kids. The "CLASSIC GOLDEN CHILD.
My sis and I just accepted it was how it is. Yes, we resented it from time to time..but life went on.
Until my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and six months to live. My sis and I volunteered to help..to set up shifts...days off etc. With everyone elses committments in mind. Brother would have none of it. But meanwhile complained loudlly and bad mouthed us to anyone that would listen. My sister had to work but offered EVERY weekend...My babies were having babies...I was going through a divorce after a 37 year marriage...but I said I could fit in lots of weekdays unless I had to be in court or tend to that...or those issues...nope, said brother he had it covered. It got so bad I finally quit asking and just showed up at Dads to help...always bring some supplies or food or something like TWO WINDOW air conditioners. Not small stuff. One time I had to say no...have to register youngest for college...another time when asked for a ride for mom to pick up her car I asked for an hour delay as someone was delivering gravel to me..Nope...My brother was driving a CAR I gave my Dad but his was repo so he just took Dads. Yet he always farmed out to me they needed rides here and there.
Now it gets interesting..suddenly things got awful real quick...total caretaking time 3 yes three months Dad was gone. Big locks went up on family farm...everything I brought or bought to help out inc a wheelchair ....and medical supplies gathered up in six large garbage bags on the porch...never allowed inside Dads home again? Didnt get to spend his last day with him...disowned from his "late date will. And locked out! Why...sis and brother had a talk about how he was being a jerk and how he brought his woes on himself And totally unable to be "Inclusive" in the give and take..etc. For less than six months! He just up and dumped dad in a home for respite anD I was standing there that morning ready to go and sis was on the way...we begged and begged him to explain why would he do that when we were there?
Turns out five days earlier he bullied Dad into changing his will..and now he was DONE...Me and sis got dad out brought him home and he died a few days later...No one got to come for a service at the farm where they buried him...Now he is in charge of mom and he already has got her to put her half in his name too. Less than six month caretaking...three actually...some people just want the stuff and will exclude other siblings on purpose...and parents cant believe tbeir golden child has any motives.
Moral...watch that HATE...that resentment..that harsh judging...it is very destructive and everyone has a side. Not everyone is meant for the day to day...some might resent You the...me knows best caretaker..or the your moms favorite ...or why should I help they dont even try to be loving or impartial...there are lots of reasons...but not all siblings slack back and some like me that wanna help.arent allowed as someone wants it all when they are gone.
And you've kept your promises! I often wonder, in my own case as well as others', if one reason siblings stay away is the hostility that's grown up within the family because of caregiving-related conflicts. Well, no, I don't wonder: I'm pretty sure it's a factor. But it's also a lousy excuse. "I'm not helping my parent because I don't like my sibling and she's mean to me"? Spineless and counterproductive - if, admittedly, difficult to correct. So I congratulate you warmly on continuing doggedly to do your bit. Sorry, you don't qualify for hate messages!
Let me give you an example, my do nothing brother never lifted a finger, I didn't expect much as he live about 1,200 miles away.
The last time he came to see my dad as things weren't going too well, he took a week off from work in his words "to help".
He knew I was just getting out of the shower and dad needed help getting his shoes on, does he go see what he needs? No, he was on his laptop and called out my name "dad needs something", knowing I was in my room and getting dressed.
Here's another one same visit, dad had two back to back Dr. appts at the same complex, he says to me "have fun", I said you're not going "I didn't come down here to go to Dr. appts"....than what the hell did you come down for? You said it was to help, this is what we're talking about. Well dad overheard that one, and he went....LOL.
We're talking about siblings who do nothing, even when asked.
In my situation I don't hate my brothers and sisters. I just don't understand how if you have time to go to the gym everyday and get your hair dyed once a mth. you don't have time to visit your mom. Plus we all live in the same city so thats not a factor either. Its all about priorities. Period.