My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

Kimber166 - I totally respect your position. You tried to help and were totally open about what you could do. Plus you visit your dad once a month. From my perspective I am talking about my sister who could never be bothered and did not want to be involved in any discussions. She also used the excuse of a dog show she had to attend rather than attending care plan meetings that were always short notice. Mom lives an hour from me and my sister lived 8 hours away. My sister told me repeatedly that she just could not drive that far yet she can drive 10 hours for a dog show. I did ask her one time if she had ever heard of airplanes. No response. The last time we talked she told me that it was my choice to have mom near me and that in retrospect mom should have been equidistant between my sister and me. No this was not my choice. My mom selected her own assisted living facility simply because it was close to me. If my mom was equidistant between my sister and me I lnow I would still be the one taking care of everything. So bottom line - you are trying and have nothing to be guilty about.

I guess i am one of those horrible siblings.

Three years ago my dad had a stroke and my sister decided that "we'll take care of dad" based on emotional reaction that he was ill with no conception of or checking into what it really means to care for an elder. She would not even consider any of the help available from the county my dad lives in. He qualified for five days a week of in home care for eight hours per day etc. I live 3 hours away, work full time, and have a family. I sat her down and told her what i could do and how often i could visit my dad and be hands on. (manage his finances, find resources for in home help, one weekend per month Friday through Sunday night) I also told her in no uncertain terms that when, not if, things got too hard for her, not to expect more from me - but to look at the resources i had put together to help - if she wouldn't consider using them now - then do so later. The hospital, county adult social services, were great and were really helpful.

Fast forward three years - and all i hear is how awful i am because she is overwhelmed, stressed, and burned out. Because dad will not consider any of the services provided by the county, she won't use them. She is 7/24 except when i come for the monthly weekend. Because my dad will not consider anyone but family - she insists that i am the only one who can stay with him and should be giving up all of my free time and vacation time to do so because she is burned out. NO - there are county services - he qualifies for FREE and reduced cost services in home to provide daily and respite care. But she and my dad won't consider using them, have decided for me that i'm on the hook, and i'm a horrible person for saying "no, i have told you what i can do, and i am doing it, but i cannot take on any more". All of my relatives think i'm horrible for "abandoning them in their time of need" i get frequent phone calls, emails from them and even a call from my dad's pastor.

Those of you who hate your siblings (as mine now does), did you all agree what should be done? Or did YOU decide for your sibling what they should do, and then feel like the martyr when they wouldn't or couldn't?

I know this post will probably bring me alot of critical responses but i felt like i should put out there my viewpoint. Please know that i sincerely respect and admire the sacrifices family make for their elders and while i do believe we should help our parents when they can no longer make decisions or care for themselves, i do not feel that it necessarily translates to needing to provide the 7/24 hands on care ourselves. We need a broad network to do this well to make sure our elder is safe, has competent care, and is treated with dignity and respect.

I dont mean to be harsh but have to wonder if anyone that is here hurting only themselves with hate has actually bothered to check into the massive amount of home care services offered to family care givers in our now socialist society. Quit asking them to care, call your state Dept of Aging and tell them to kiss your ass. There is help out there for us when siblings reject reality.

That sounds like a good idea but in my case my Mom is in and out of awareness of who does what. So quite often she will thank my siblings for things that I did. The thing that gets me is they will just take the credit knowing full well that it was I that did whatever my Mom is thanking them for.

That's interesting PStern - it'd be good if someone taught all elders to reflect in their will, that a lions share goes to whichever child does the lions share of their care when they need it! I would guess your brother won't appeal the decision - it must have been somewhat embarrassing for him to try to defend himself, but hear that he was left out because his father knew he didn't pitch in and help! I wish you the best!

My brother wouldn't help me out and our father ended up changing his will. My brother then took the case to court and lost, now I'm waiting to see what happens next. Figure he'll appeal the judges decision if he can...

Charlie, you're not the bad guy, your sisters are horrible people. Look we can't choose who we're related to. My favorite Maya Angelou quote is "when people show themselves to you, believe them".

I no longer have any contact with my brother, he did nothing to help with my parents. I don't resent being the one who carried the whole load(I knew years before if it came to that it would be me) I resent the lack of concern about my parents, never saying to me "thank you for putting your life on hold and moving to take care of mom and dad", or "how are you doing".....nothing. When he would "visit" he would rent a car and take off, barely spending anytime with them or me.

He couldn't be bothered to come see our father as he lay dying in the hospital for 4 days, I really wrestled in mind to even let him know, but I told myself it is his father, he said he would and didn't come, but the DAY AFTER he died he was on a plane for his cut. As bad as I imagined it would be, it was worse.

This is a warning my friend, once the parent goes if there is ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING, they will be on the scene.

Like nohelp4me, if people now ask I just say I am an only child, because when it really counted I was. Other than this board and one relative I don't discuss him.

Charlieboy - no this is not you and you are not the bad guy here. I have a sister who is just like your siblings. She actually has not visited me or our mom for 5 years. The last time she visited mom was for mom's 90th birthday party. Sister decided to grace us with her presence at the very last minute. Since that time my sister has been absent. When it came time to move my mom to assisted living and then the nursing home my sister had to go to dog shows. Really???? I have written her out of my life. I wrote her a letter six months ago and told her just that. I have not heard from her since and life is just plain easier. I rarely think of her anymore and when people ask if I have siblings I now tell them no. I just don't even want to discuss her anymore. She is out of my life and it feels good!! No guilt!!

Hey Charliebuoy, I believe in a different ethic! I hit myself over the head for NOT speaking up - for I have come to believe that people don't speak up enough to give each other feedback - resentment comes and stays, when I do not address what I want to complain about. The best way I've learned to do this is to write out a letter to that person, that I plan to NOT send. That helps me, I find, for in the process of drafting that letter, I notice the small things that matter, and my own feelings. I've spent years learning through trial and error and paying attention to how well I met my needs, learning how to speak up with a specific request, not a general complaint. No one knows really how to answer a general complaint, too broad, vague, every changing. But each specific request has a 50/50 chance of success.

I know many siblings do not help. I know their actions are selfish, but it's too easy to assign motives to others based on past statements. We're usually right, but not always, but if we assume they are wrong, it shows. Maybe if we say, "I know you're busy and I hate to ask you but, I get so overwhelmed in board meetings - could you possibly come with me next week?" Or, send them a list of the people who will be present, so they get some sense of being included without being blamed. Or ask them for a specific care chore. We can use the moral judgment about them but it doesn't help us communicate well, and so we add more and more grievances, each time we "stuff" one of our needs, or hurl them at others in frustration.

It can help some to keep and build a list of people outside the family who can help with specific needs. I can feel less resentful if I think I can find someone to go to the board meeting with me for example.

These polarized non-communicative relationships are so hard to deal with, and at the same time, our siblings ARE the ones who know the individuals, the behaviors, the history, the circumstances, we need and want their support and help when they can give it. Not as easy for them as for us - for we get skilled at helping, even skilled at failing sometime, we know it's part of the effort sometime, but they don't know that, and may be afraid to get involved and make a mess. Where it's my life skillset to think of others' needs before my own, to a fault, leaving myself in a mess.

My brothers are more "stingy" with their time - but if there's some one-time situation when they do help, they are "all-there", which is why I want their help. They are "all there" because they DON'T run to fix each need they hear of - they conserve energy and resources, for when they see they are needed....

Charliebuoy I'm glad my thoughts helped and I'm sure if you read the rest of the posts that follow you will receive even more helpful advice and thoughts.

You got it!

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and now has vascular dementia She is a handful but does need a family member in her corner. I have always been "IT". - POAs and executor. I have one sister who is narcissistic and has been plotting for years to get all the inheritance so she cowtows to mother, has taken holidays with her, where she manages to get mother to bear a lot of the expense, and generally tries to please mother to stay in her good books. She also badmouths me. About a year ago, she interfered and alienated a lot of mother's support people. I finally cut contact. after she accused me of having a vested interest in mother's demise. Talk about projection!!! It is no loss to me except for the loss of someone who delights in putting me down. She won't lift a finger to help mother, in fact, wants to be waited on and criticizes me. I communicate about what is happening to mother through my niece. I have had it and feel only relief.

well it's nice to hear someone share their experiences.........and it also makes me realize, through your thoughts, that we are wasting our energy on this......we need to simply accept that we do what we feel comfortable with and so do they.......I can accept that they are who they are but I cannot bring myself to be around them.......it only happens rarely anyways........the thing that bugs me the most I guess, is that they try to make me feel like i'm the bad guy......and the two sisters in question are very close and i'm sure they feed each other the bull crap that they are doing enough and i'm just a complainer......people like that are phonies and always justify their behavior........being angry is just hurting ourselves.........I believe it's just better to stay out of each others lives and do what we feel is necessary to take care of those that need us.........thanks for replying, it helped.........

Charliebuoy I totally relate to the way you feel. Just when I think I'm over feeling angry and resentful towards my siblings something else comes along to open it up again.

For example: there is a Care Conference scheduled once a year at my Mom's nursing home. This is just once a year and already everyone in my family has a ready made excuse why they can't attend the one coming up in April. Work meetings, doctors appointments etc. etc. They could reschedule them but no. Part of me feels they are lying.

This is a formal conference sitting around a boardroom table with all the directors etc. of the nursing home. Its not something you blow off.

When did it become alright to prioritize your life in such a way that Mom is put last? I'm so upset right now I feel like crying. Partly cause like you Charliebuoy I don't want to hate or resent my family and part of me feels like I should just suck it up, go to the meeting and not give it a second thought.

But I'm a shy person, intimidated about sitting in a boardroom without family support but I will do it and then I'll go home after and stew about it for days and make myself sick.

Your not the bad guy Charliebuoy and I'm not the bad girl. Its easy to feel resentment but in the long run I have to be the bigger person and just get on with it. If pretending and putting on an act with siblings is how you get by without exploding at them then thats what you and I and other people in the same position have to do.

I've tried the lets be honest and get everything out on the table tactic and just when I think we've come to terms with each other something important comes up and they all scatter to the winds. So what does that leave me with?

I will not get into every detail, as i'm not really looking for justification, as much as I am looking for another way to view things........I have two sisters that took money from one of my parents during his Dementia period and that in itself bothered me but I wrote it off as it being Dad's money and not mine.......but they were also not in his life much, nor are they in my other sisters life, who is special needs and lives in a nursing home.......they are just very selfish people and believe it or not, although I do feel resentment towards them and their actions sicken me, I feel worse that I feel this way towards them.......I cannot stand seeing them, or pretending i'm not upset at their behavior........sometimes I feel like I am the bad guy for not wanting them in my life........there is not doubt they have justified their behavior, over the years.........how should I be feeling and how can I convince myself that i'm not the bad guy here.........I cannot just pretend and be in their lives...........I welcome others feelings and thoughts on this..........and will answer any questions, should my description, not be clear enough.......

herbalizer77 I could have wrote your words. I moved out of my house at 16 to get away from the neglect and abuse.But my mother lives with me for the last year since my stepfather died of cancer. Not for long, I have her on a waiting list for a nice place 1200 miles away. The only good thing that has come out of the last year is that I have found peace with my feelings for my mother. I have already mourned the loss of my mother and shes alive and crazy as ever.. it took me 50 years to admit she was NEVER there for me and NEVER a good mother or grandmother. The ONLY person she cares about is HERSELF and that will NEVER change. I could care less anymore what people think of the way I feel for my mother. They never had to live with her and have NO IDEA what she is. your right people who didn't have parents like ours will NEVER understand......and I could care less.

Mapder, I congratulate you on taking your sister's Facebook post so calmly. I'm seeing red for you.

And how would she know, eh? To comment credibly on your caregiving and your actions, she'd have had to have turned up from time to time. Sorry, I know one shouldn't criticise other people's kin, but I think she's contemptible.

Mapder I love that question! "How did Mom's disease affect your life?"

I will ask myself that question often...

My mother was ill for 7 years and I took care of her. She was in and out of the hospital, nursing homes, home for a while, back to the ER, etc. I took several thousand dollars out of my retirement account to care for her when I lost jobs or left jobs because I was the only one to help even though I have 2 sisters who didn't work. Once once my mom was not of use to them, they stopped calling or seeing her. I have no chance of regaining a career or perhaps even getting another job because of my age - 60. I gave up friends and a social life to make sure my mom had the best care and frankly, I was too tired to do anything else. When my mom passed, I was responsible for cleaning out her home and selling or donating everything. I have been financially, emotionally and physically at ruin. My mom was the best mother anyone could possibly have. She loved her children so much and did things for them constantly. I grieved for her that she wondered why my sisters did not love her. She thought that she had done something wrong. However, I am the winner in all of it although I still have some anger and bitterness but mostly because my mom was so hurt. She was used for everything someone could get but she kept giving because she did not see the bad in anyone else because she did not have bad inside of her. Before my mother died, she changed her will to me to be the only beneficiary. She wanted to pay me back for all of the sacrifices I made - financially, emotionally, career wise, and social freedoms. She did not have much - only a house with some equity but I have no regrets when it comes to taking care of her. She was my best friend. My sisters are furious that they got nothing but I would like to ask each one of them one question: "how did mom's illness affect your life?" My eldest sister posted on Facebook (I am not on Facebook) "My sister is so evil that she withheld medical care and medicine from our mother until she forced her to sign a Will leaving everything to her." I feel sorry for my sister that she had to make something up so outrageous for her to feel better about the fact that she was not around. Both of my sisters must live with their guilt (if they feel anything) and I can move on knowing that I did my very best for my very best friend.

I've just had a conversation with my older brother, who lives far and just manages money for my disabled brother, whom I took from home when he was 24, and I found it productive and interesting to learn how to help him develop a healthy stable lifestyle, by being close enough to resolve risks and help him resolve them, it's not a one time thing - takes time to build a healthy pattern. One thing to say, in favor of not blaming parents or well-and-distant sibs, is that there is a tendency on the part of the elder or the disabled, to answer questions asked by those I call faster-moving - they do not admit that they are in difficulty. So the fast moving parents/or sibs, if they try to understand, are met with the lies of the disabled person or elder. Then, most frustrating to any local caregiver, the distant sib doubts their word, for they got a different impression when they asked the patient directly.

So - I really see this custom as a cultural legacy. It might not have been disastrous, in days when clanspeople lived closer together in villages, for there are then more reporters than just the caregiver who often has so many issues and feelings to report, that it's not easy for distant sibs to hear them. This tendency for society to do research aimed to help elders and disabled, but NOT to find best ways to support local caregivers who are ALREADY engaged in helping them - leads to an unfairness that is widespread and hard to crack.

I have found that finding others to help me develop my own life plans - like Underearners Anonymous, or Business Owners Debtors Anonymous - to try to find someone to help me with MY life, instead of hoping my family will finally fill some of this gap - when the whole family focus rushes now, as they did in my childhood - to try to rescue or help the disabled ones - ignoring the trials or fears or challenges of the quiet background helper. It's a societal challenge to advocate for caregivers, not just patients or students or disabled.

My advice to you is to accept who the other siblings are. Pray for them. Do everything you possibly can for your Mom as she appreciates you and needs you. DO NOT focus on your siblings--only your mom and her care. If you need to use your mom's money to get someone to come in and help you--DO SO! Put all of your "hate energy" into your Mom. Forget about the siblings. It will NOT change. There will ALWAYS be lame excuses until your mom's in the ground and any money or assets are divided up. In my opinion there is no excuse or any child not to help parents. Doesn't matter if ONE child is the only one to stay with them around the clock or not. All children need to contribute something. It never happens that way though, unfortunately.
Do what it takes. Make yourself proud as you have. Forget about the worthless siblings.
I come from a huge Catholic family. I know exactly what you are going through. I hope I never have to put my mom in a Nursing facility, but we discussed it before and after she was sick. I promised to care for her until her last breath. Unless My health deteriorates and I can't do it anymore. In that case, her assets and money go to whatever facility she goes. It's her assets and there's no reason why it shouldn't go toward her living expenses. If the siblings don't help, then they don't have a say in nothing. You'd be surprised just how nice those same siblings can be when it comes to the root of all evil!

Look I am sorry if you had a rough upbringing, I wouldn't fault anyone who had horrible parents to not help them out when they're sick and old, I would be the first one to tell them to f**k off.(the parents).

But AGAIN, that is not the case with most people on here.

And you don't have to have decent parents to find it wrong that people who do have decent parents and one adult child does all the caregiving and the other does nothing.

I have had more than one person tell me who didn't have the best parents say "I don't get your brother, you guys had great parents, why was he like that"....and I can't answer that, because I don't know.

Honestly if someone has horrible parents by the time they usually need caregiving the adult children are middle aged. So there should be years of no contact in between anyway. If I had abusive parents and was out of the house by age 22, I certainly wouldn't be in contact with them when 25 yrs later at age 47 when they need help.

I agree totally with you, Gershun that we should all be able to vent and air our views without being attacked or put down for them. It's the whole point of this website and it's very nice to be able to do so. I'm so glad you posted this.

Isn't this website a place where we can all vent and air our views? Lets all live and let live. If you don't agree with what someone says on here thats your perogative but we all have a right to our own opinions and point-of-view right?

Griping and arguing is counter productive. (thats my humble opinion)

With all due respect, irishboy, you have just proven my point. You don't 'get it' and you won't unless you've been in the situation yourself. I have friends who had the opposite of what I had and I don't 'get it' how it is with them. You know people who had what I had and 'don't get it' with me and you never will.

Felidae, unless your sister was mentally slow how could she not know that it was the Alzheimers, and not your father? Sorry, that sounds like an excuse to me to not come around.

She may have had a hard time(which is understandable) in the beginning but after awhile you deal with it.

In many cases, they don't bother because they simply don't want to bother, I believe in calling a spade a spade, and telling the way it is.

Excuses are just that ....excuses.

But let me tell you when the last parent passes they magically now have the time to show up. They couldn't come to visit or help you, but they're there for the reading of the will and to get what they can.

2ndbest, i'm on here to try to understand my situation, we had a close family, please understand i do not go for people that slide in and try to change wills and back stab siblings. Your situation is very different than mine i although she is not helping with care i do not believe my sis would do anything like yours did, i do not believe in changing wills or treating people like that. Although i'm upset i feel very bad for you

2ndbest, i'm not at all talking about a situation like yours i would be VERY upset about that as well, sounds to me like you are trying. I'm talking about those who do not try and have NO reason. I called my sisters bluff and said ok come get her, i had an excuse before i got off work why she would not be able to come. I do not believe in the way your sister is handeling all this sounds terrible to me and i feel bad for you. I hope your able to help your mom

Nonsense, why are you even on here? Yes, you're right my brother had a very good reason, he simply couldn't be bothered....LOL.

Herabalizer, it's not impossible for those of us who had good parents to understand why you resent your parents.

Here is what I don't get. By the time most of us start doing caregiving we're in our 40's and 50's. If the parent/parents were so bad wouldn't you be estranged from them for years? I mean most people are out the house by their early 20s.

I have a friend who had a terrible father, she never saw again after age 25 or so, found out he died when she was in her early 40s.

I don't blame anyone who had abusive and neglectful parents who don't want to be bothered doing caregiving, but again wouldn't you be estranged from them for years anyway?

Barb, yes, any little move is traumatizing for these folks...and it sounds like your sister. Should not be trusted with your moms care...why not suggest to her that she send you the money for the caregiver and you will hire someone to come to your home to give you a break...that way, mom can stay where she is comfortable. best of luck to you...it's hard, I know.

I agree with some on here that have said that not everyone has a family that can cooperate together in taking care of their elderly parent, and for a variety of reasons. My parents secretly named my lying, scheming sociopath sister as their executor and successor trustee. The secret was revealed only when my brother had the "audacity" to read our dad's will to the family after his death. My mom felt he had no right to do that, and felt very exposed. I guess the idea was to keep us all in the dark until after she died too so she wouldn't be around to face us. From that point on, there have been a lot more secret dealings between my mom and socio sis. First thing my sister did was have her name added to our mom's bank accounts. When my brother and I objected my sister defended her actions fiercely. We were later told her name was taken off the account, but don't necessarily believe it. Then they revoked the trust, closed the investment accounts our dad had and bought two annuities with the proceeds...a 7 yr and a 10 yr annuity - long term maturity dates for an 80 yr old! They bought them from a really "nice" bank representative (who made a $35k commission on the sale). They visited the lawyer and had a new Will drawn up - only our sister has had access to it and knows what it contains. Basically we (my 2 brothers and I) were all shut out of the family financial affairs. Then socio sister is in control of our mother's health and medical wellbeing. She dispenses her meds (17 various pills per day) and is herself a drug abuser. I live in a different state so only visit once or twice per year. Last time I stayed at my mom's AL apartment and we had a great week together, only to find out a month later that I was accused by my sister of hiding a lost valuable of hers in a financial binder of my mom's. This all makes little sense to most people - but when you are dealing with someone wanting to put a wedge between you and your mother, these kinds of things are quite effective in fostering suspicion and mistrust. I haven't spoken to my sister since my father died due to some lies and some rotten things she did then. After my father died and we spent 9 days and a lot of money flying our kids in and staying in hotels to attend the funeral and be with the family, after returning home I must have called my mom 10 times leaving messages and never getting a call back. I finally gave up. My daughter did the same and my mom later claimed to not get any of her messages. So my daughter thought socio sis (her aunt) might be deleting them to make my mom think we were ignoring her. This is just some of what I've had to deal with in trying to be involved in my mom's care. It is hard to be involved when I refuse to have anything to do with my sister. I feel like she works hard to alienate me from my mom. Her greed and jealousy are just appalling - she has weasled about $200k out of our mom already. When I'm there my mom acts like I don't exist to my sister to appease her. For example, when on the phone with my sister, my mom referred to things we did together as if I weren't with her at all. "I" did this and that, when it was really "we" who did those things together. Very much hurt my feelings to be excluded like that when I was trying to spend some good quality time with her. So it is terribly complicated and the result is that I feel farther and farther distanced from my mom and my family in general. So in all this mess, how do I possibly help my mom? Barbgschantz...don't be so quick to criticize people who comment that have a different family dynamic than yours. We are not all so lucky as to have a loving, cooperative family that supports eachother in caring for our aging parents. Our issues and difficulties are every bit as valid as yours.