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One day WE were a child. Some of us had brothers and sisters and some did not. WE said when I grow up I want to be this. WE went to school and got our education. We got older. One day WE noticed mom or dad beginning to become ill. WE as the caring children stepped up and did what WE had to do in order for our parent/parents to have a good remaining quality of life. WE are there and will continue to be there for our love one/s. So the moral to this (JulieBell4444) is that YOU are in the WE. I know it's hard when you feel like your brother and sister should be there but they are going to have to pay for their actions. You just take care of your heart and find whatever steps you need to remove the hate. What should be done is pray for them. They may need it!
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caregiving sister, it's simply not as easy as you make it out to be. When your mom passes while you will have the peace knowing you did all you could, you aren't going to most likely want anything to do with your sister.

The sibling relationship should be the longest relationship we have in life, longer than a child or a spouse. When that person or persons turns their back on you it stings. Many times once the parents are gone there is no contact.

It also doesn't sound like your deep into caregiving. Get back to us when you're doing it 24/7 with no help. It wouldn't be human if you didn't feel anger towards someone who could help but chooses not to.

And the reason we do it is we have a conscious and heart. I have always helped people when I could, if everyone walks away then what? My parents needed help and I am glad I did it.

Doesn't mean I have to think kindly about the one who didn't. Other than on here I rarely discuss or think of my brother. People who know me including family(who also have nothing to do with him) know not to bring him up.

But it doesn't mean you forget, it's not just the lack of help. I just don't get how anyone can turn their back on loving parents. I get it if you had a rotten childhood, but not when you were brought up in a home where you had love and more than you ever needed.

Don't get that, and won't just say "oh well",

You may find you feel much differently as things progress.
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Well thank you Agecare and Castle.

My dad certainly did know and mentioned to me several times that he appreciated what I did, one time he said to me 'your brother wouldn't last a week doing this".

And no it wasn't a 50/50 cut, I was left more due to taking care of my parents. My father was aware of what I did for them, knew what I gave up, both my parents wanted it that way.

I agree, as hard as caregiving is I was able to have time with my parents, that my brother will never have.

StephanieK, you're right about a heavy heart for those adult children who don't bother, because once they're gone, they're gone. There are no "do overs" in this situation.
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I read theses posts and find it so sad...the one who cares the most is treated the worst by the siblings...go figure! In reality, no one will do anything they don't want to do...My sister says I have the 'caring gene' and that I'm closer with Mom as an excuse to avoid helping.
I had my last phone conversation with her this weekend. I went over what she agreed to do for Mom, but never came through. Nothing good comes out of dwelling on what someone else won't do...do what you can; appreciate what you have and move on. I'm the caregiver for Mom because it is the right thing to do. Others in the family don't want any responsibility. I'm trying to deal with the facts...when Mom require more care, I will use her money to pay for it; when he money runs out; then I'll apply for other resources. I'll do what I can and forget what others won't do...
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I know your pain. My Mom was diagnosed in 2012 and I was only one who stepped forward to help. My brother wouldn't come neither. But you know as hard as it was I was the lucky one. I lost her in 2014 and I am so glad I got to spend those last years with her. My brother never came to see her and he has a heavy heart. I miss her terribly but actually had a great time making her last years happy. Was hard, yes! But I wouldn't trade it for nothing. Really hope your family steps up for there sake but if not enjoy your time.
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I agree with Agecare, that it's difficult to see siblings attending parties and enjoying life, but don't have time to visit their parents (or ask about the sibling caregiver and check out their life). But that was a model from the past, the aristocrats held glorious parties - when I grew up, my parents who had achieved some affluence in contrast to some other branches of Irish - they were so eager to live an elegant life of parties, fueled by alcohol - and they neglected the meeker of their children all along the way. I think cultural legacies and expectations as we meet up with other cultures - all has a lot to do with the expectations we live with - we choose isolation from difficulties, too easily.

I too feel sad about your experience Irishboy, and I'm glad you did what you could and can be confident in that now. I hope the will did not divide everything equally..... that's the sting of things. With more societal awareness, aging care agencies should devote more time to publicizing issues between siblings, instead of avoiding those issues or just feeling bad. Public ed needs to go towards making provisions that some money be allocated to care time, not just care expenses. And if it's a sib that spends the time, they deserve some extra. The other sibs might notice sooner, if the money was being funneled towards a sibling caregiver. Not all of it, but a percent, related to time needed for care.
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TryingToCope, I agree it is very difficult to see siblings on social media attending parties and enjoying life, but don't have time to visit their parents. Aside from the fact that I haven't been invited to any of "their" events in years (many!).
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Irishboy, that is just awful about your brother. The only thing that you can say is you did the best you could for your dad. And, I'm sure your dad felt that way too, even if he didn't or couldn't tell you. Hang in there!
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I have no help from my sister...Mom lives with me....sister didnt even come to see Mom on her 86th birthday...... I read so many posts of others in the same situation.....it is very stressful 24/7 job for me
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Castle, I agree with you people aren't all good or all bad, but you can't teach people who are self absorbed to be caring. And sorry, but as I said before it is utter nonsense to get a pass because you don't like dealing with an illness, no one likes dealing with that.

You can't "teach" someone to be a caring person, you either are or you aren't.

Zookeeper, you hit the nail on the head!

And yes, they're on the scene the moment the parent passes to collect. My father(who was an excellent dad to both my brother and myself) lay dying in the ICU for 4 days. I called my brother the first night as he lived 1,200 miles away, he was never any help or caring but I told myself he has to be told, he said he would call the next day and make a plane reservation.

Never heard back from him. So I called him, he wasn't coming. This was on a Monday, dad died on Wens, he was down on Thursday concerned about what he was getting. Lovely huh? When I tell people this story they say "I don't know what to say to you"....I reply "there is nothing you can say, it is horrific, what can you say".

He couldn't be bothered to see his father, many people don't; get that opportunity to say goodbye and say what they want to say, he did, and chose not to do it.

I don't want to hear excuses about bad behavior, I tell it the way it is.

Maya Angelou said "when people show themselves to you , believe them"....wiser words were never spoken.
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Money or not, some siblings and family members are just greedy or thoughtless or selfish (or self-involved) or lazy, and those of us that have been "trained" to be the responsible member of the family do all of the hard work. Nothing is expected from them, so they give nothing in return. Nothing new here. Those of us that get "chosen" aren't being chosen because we're prettier or smarter or stronger, which are the reasons most people get rewarded in our society. We get "chosen" to be caregivers because we care more. It is not a prize at all, and those of us that do this, learn that the hard way. What amazes me is that these same people who never visit and never help, are always first in line to "collect" and the loudest to complain when those of us who do the work, actually get some kind of compensation. There should be a law...
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Theres no money involved in my family's case. Everyone just assumes I will do everything. Maybe thats partly my fault cause I've been doing it but as many people have said on here if you know something should be done just do it already. You don't need to wait to be asked.
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Hi Irishboy - I don't think it's mutually exclusive - I agree they don't want to be involved, but I don't think people are all bad or all good - I think some don't want to be involved because they are not used to it, don't know how to navigate anger or impatience or illness, and if they don't see it up close, they stay away, expect someone (anyone) else to do it! And, it seems to me that when people are not directly involved, many come up with all kinds of theories, and assume it is their "right" to not be involved. That's why I think we need more societal conversation and early education - to teach folks there are many ways to be involved, sometimes by supporting the caregiver rather than the elders - at least that part should happen, if they are not directly involved themeselves. Sometimes they can help monetarily, sometimes by doing respite or doing the finances or my older brother is the one who organized the funerals for parents and sibs. Some are more able or willing to do direct care, but that should not leave them alone with the whole job.
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Pstern, you're very welcome. I hope things work out for you.

Castle, in most cases this has nothing to with feeling "inadequate or uninvolved", they DON'T WANT to be involved.

Why do you continue to try and justify bad behavior? I call a spade a spade.

They don't want to help, end of story.

But they're the first ones on the scene when the parents pass. All of sudden they can hop on a plane when $$$$$ is involved and the hard work is over.
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There is something so wrong with the societal communication and expectations when one sib does all the work and the others feel inadequate or uninvolved. It should be taught in grade school or something - that when parents age, or if a family member has a disability - or maybe even that watching out for Every member and helping those who are struggling - is part of a social awareness. Instead, our world focuses on the actions and lifestyle of those who are active, as if this were an ideal. The model is off. The active are vaguely expected to protect the fragile, yet in today's mobile world, they may live very far from them. There is also a mentality which criticizes some of the fragile, and ignores the others. Personally, I think the ideal would be to make sure the fragile still contribute something on a regular basis and help them do that. So it is part of an enjoyable human sharing, part of a life plan, instead of left undefined until the stage of need, and then taken on as a burden taken on by some, and avoided by others.
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I try VERY hard not to resent my 6 sisters who sit back and watch me struggle under the pressure of caregiving and offer no support. It isn't easy - especially when I log onto social media sites and see their pictures of their vacations, parties and good times - when they all claim they have no time or resources to help out mom - and seem to not care in the least that I have lost my entire life to this role I am playing. Did I choose to be caregiver? I guess that I did - but certainly not because I wanted to - just because none of them were willing to and I didn't want to put mom in a nursing home. I also think that most of us have never done this before - and had no way of knowing in advance just how hard it was going to be.
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Thank you Irishboy.

I go to court soon and appreciate your supportive words.

It's embarrassing to me to have to air the family's dirty laundry in court and fear that when the time comes I won't be able to overcome the suspicion that something inappropriate happened that caused my father to change the will.

The best thing I have going is that my brother already received substantial sums of money ($100,000 and more) over the last 10 years, but I expect him to say that it was given as a gift free of any influence.
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Pstern, you tell them first off the elderly parent had to go to an attorney who determines that the elder is NOT being influenced by anyone else to due this. It's not uncommon, especially if the caregiver child gave up a job.

Second, you tell them you did nothing, I gave up my time(and in some cases jobs) to take care of our parent. You did NOTHING. Be thankful you got what you got. I am firm believer in the case of an inheritance and an adult child put their life on hold, reduced their SS by not working, should be given more.

And any decent sibling would understand that.

You could also point out that there might be no inheritance at all if the parent had to be place in a NH rather than you doing the care.
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Nohelp4me, good for you. I wish I could do that too. It would make things easier on the emotional front. Hang in there!
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Geshrun I read our post and was genuinely thinking did I post that! Are you working at all? Is there any respite care in US. I am using my savings to pay someone to come in to do home help for a while. My mother although she has advanced cancer is able to manage in between the crisis stages . However that s not going to last...given the diagnosis. My 2 brothers have the house land and farm already. One of them lives close and does visit and does DIY. The other one is totally indifferent to all responsabilities regarding the farm house etc. That's my mum's job..... The 3 brothers never ask me about mums appoinments or any medical concern about what goes on in her life. She does tell them but a lot of what happens behind the scenes and conversations with the doctors they don't know. I used to send emails to fill them in. I sent one to ask if they were interested since I never get one single reply. They said yeh. I stopped sending them after a while It was taking to much time for uninterested reactions. Yes there was some sort of accountability of what Im doing by sending emails. Now I am starting a diary of appointments and hourse spent on care. It will be a documented record for life!
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Juliebell4444 - I get it too. My sister does nothing. She has not even called our mother or me in the past 10 years. She does, however send a stupid birthday card to me every year with no note inside and always orders something stupid from Amazon. The piece de resistance came at Christmas. I have a tick borne allery to all red meat that sends me into anaphylactic shock. So hard to order something with a click of the mouse. What does she get me this year? A pound of Spanish bacon. Really??? I wrote yet her told her we have no relationship so let's stop the charade. Also told her that if we communicated she would know about my allergy. I ended up donating that gift to the local food bank. I am done with her and feel fantastic knowing I don have to pretend anymore. I have forgiven her but consider her out of my life now. Try it. It is empowering.
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Agecare I understand about the not responding to texts, e-mails. Same here.
In fact I just don't bother anymore. At Christmas my sister was miffed cause I had gone to a meeting at my mom's nursing home and didn't tell her about it.
What would of been the point? I might as well shoot my texts into the ozone for all the response I would of gotten.
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Gershun/Irishboy,
I hear what you are both saying. I'm one of five kids and the only daughter. I left a job that I loved to care for my mom (and now my dad). I live the furtherest away from my parents. I take care of everything (wash, meds, cleaning, aids, dr appt, bills, etc). My parents say they are going to die in the house. They have no money and the thought of them having to go to a NH or AL terrifies me!! I have one brother that lives 10 minutes away and does go over. Other than that the others float through life knowing I'm taking care of everything. They never ask how I'm doing or if I need help. Never ask about my parents. They don't even respond to texts that I send giving them updates from dr appts. I update them because I don't want them to ever say "I didn't know how bad it was" They know and choice not to help in any way. So very sad for my parents and hard for me to carry the stress of it all.
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What do you say to a sibling that receives a reduced share of the inheritance and feels that it was because they didn't help out and were bad mouthed by and now claims that the sibling receiving more unduly influenced their parent into doing what they otherwise wouldn't have done?
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Thank-you Irishboy!! Having people such as yourself to empathize helps a lot.
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I hear ya, I couldn't have asked for better parents. I don't get my brother's lack of concern. I didn't even expect him to help much as he lived far away, but even if he visited he spent no time with them, rarely called, never ONCE said to me "how are you doing, can I help you with something"....nothing.

I feel for you, one or two do nothing siblings is the norm, but seven. Shameful.
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I don't know Irishboy. My sisters and brother are so caught up in their own self-importance. They really don't get it. They wonder why I care so much. I wonder why they don't. I think they feel if they distance themselves from my Mom it makes it easier for them in the long run. Easier for them? What about whats easier for my Mom?

I try not to think too hard about it cause it makes me sick and stressed out.
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Gershun, I wish I had an answer for you. I can't imagine having so many siblings and none of them help. I only had one.

I can tell you in my case my brother in order to justify his lack of help in his own mind twisted reality and rewrote history.

For example he said to me my parents took me in! LOL...took me in. I had to move clear across the country, and put my life on hold to help them. But in his mind "they took me in", I went because they needed me. They lived in FL, a state that I HATE due to the horrific heat and humidity. Took me in, that was rich....LOL.

That's just one example, but he always downplayed what I did, never offered any help, didn't come to see our dad as he lay dying in the ICU, but came down the day after he died like a vulture. I no longer speak to him.
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I don't hate my brother and sisters for not helping. I just feel sad and wonder where things went so wrong. How can they not want to help? My Mom brought seven of us up all alone. She sacrificed every day. Where their selfishness comes from, I don't understand.

I am just so thankful that I have a conscience and that I am not like them.
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Rovana, I would love to hear your plan when your mom dies. Your brother by taking on the caregiving is preventing your mother's money from being depleted.

My guess would be the do nothing siblings will make it over to mom's house for that.

You also can't force someone out of their home and into an AL because you can't be bothered to help out.

Sounds like "bash the caregiver" to me.
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