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2ndbest, if you're that concerned you get on a plane and you see what is going on. Sorry but you sound like "odd man out". It's easy for you to say take a 75 years old woman with health issues to the DMV, you're not the one who has to do it.

My brother was quite good at making suggestions from the safety of 1,200 miles away as well.

Again, it's called an airplane or a long car drive, under Federal law your job is protected if work is an issue, they have to give you the time off and hold your job.

If cpabook's sister is so concerned she can get her hiney to the mother's side.
In most cases the sole caregiver isn't doing it to be some "martyr", they're doing it because they have help. They can beg and plead and get excuses. End of story.
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2nd Best, my sisters "suggestions" always involve some errand on her behalf and have little to do with my mother's care taking. She is a shopaholic an loves to mail packages with her cast offs, complete with instructions on what to give Mom on which day and the like.
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cpabooks, your sister's "suggestions" may just be her trying to offer some kind of help, since she lives out of town. There is little she can do when she doesn't live nearby, but I think most children want to be a part of helping their aging parent if they can. Just this past week I was talking to my mom and she said she wanted to get a checking account with Wells Fargo because they come in to the assisted living home where she lives every week and she could get some cash if she needs it. But they can't open an account for her unless she renews her driver's license. So I told her I would renew her license online and have it sent to her. When I went online to do that I found out that since she is over 75 she can't renew online, she has to go in person. So I sent out an email to my sister and back-copied (bcc) it to my 2 brothers asking if someone could take her there. The reason I bcc'd my brothers is my sister ignores my messages and lies and twists the truth to make me look bad. She would say something like: "Yeah she sent me this nasty email ordering me to get your driver's license renewed and who does she think she is sticking her nose in your business? She was probably really just trying to get your ssn and DL number." I can only imagine the backlash that would come from my email, and I was not the least bit nasty or bossy. But that's what she does...she and I haven't spoken in several years. Long story, but anyway if she tries putting her spin on my email my brothers both have a copy. My parents put the least trustworthy child in charge of everything related to their care and finances, so she is the gatekeeper when it comes to getting anything done for my mom. She has a pathological need to be the "one and only" and in total control of our mom, so I pretty much let her. Not much I can do, but I do try to help when I can. My mom is always complaining that all the burden falls on my sister, and I have offered several times to handle paying all of her bills, which I can do online and take that burden off my sister, but she will never allow that. She wants exclusive control and access to our mom's financial affairs. It is a tough situation when you have a sibling that so desperately wants to be the favorite that she keeps the other siblings out. Haven't heard any response from her yet on the email, and probably won't get one. If it's not her idea she will find a way to make it a bad idea. Frustrating, but getting used to it.
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A am beside myself with rage over my condescending older sister who is a an extravagant narcissist. My father designated me POA for my mother when he passed as well as Trustee of their significant estate. Because of my sister's flagrant spending behavior and refusal to work, Dad set up his estate so that all would be shared by his descendants based on certain criteria.
My sister has only demanded money from my parents for over 20 years and not participated in their care as they aged into their late 90's near me. Ten years ago they moved near me; I took them to doctor's appointments, shopped for them, dealt with living situations that were become confusing to them. After Dad died, Mom took a turn for the worse and went through a terrible nasty phase. She had heath problems as well as advanced dementia. While my sister did come 350 miles for the funeral, she had been back only once to collect things she wanted from their home. I was left against her with the clean up and and moving Mom (against her will) to a memory care facility.
My sister fills her time issuing me directives as "suggestions" such as to take Mom to a lawyer to explain the Will, or to take action against the home where Mom resides. All where no problems exist. I have told her so, but she comes up with new reasons to try to take charge without actually doing anything constructive.
Like many others have experienced here, my sister is angry that she was not made Executrix! The reason we have no direct inheritance is due to her!
Now she is calling my mother with dementia to discuss the Will and how it could be changed. It only upsets my Mom, so she makes answers up that my sister throws back at me as fact and proof that I need to do this or that.
I am too busy caring for Mom to be humoring a crazy sister. Without any awareness of her inappropriate behavior, she just blew through a wad of money on constructing a 9'3" cemetery monument for herself in a historic cemetery in CT. She has no children (I have two), so I think she feels she will make sure there is nothing going back to the family that she basically hates.
My husband is an attorney and warns me constantly not to give her any ammunition to have the courts intervene. This is so hard! Oh, did I say that she like to bully people with law suits? That too. Thank you all for hearing me.
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2ndBest,
I have to play the Devils Advocate on this as one of my siblings would write almost exactly what you have written about me. It is far from the reality of it. Now I am not saying this is you so please don't feel like I am attacking you. My brothers never did squat for my mother most of their lives. Only when they needed something did they come over or call her. When I noticed she was becoming very forgetful and becoming a danger to herself and others, I asked my one brother to express her concern about driving since she was getting into fender benders and forgetting where she parked. etc. The only time she saw him was when she drove all the way to the store where he worked because he rarely came by to see her. I did not want to be the only child telling her I did not want her driving anymore. He said he would but he did not. He never even came to spend time with me even though we had no animosity at all toward each other. My other brother is a basket case and a prescription drug addict that I actually gave credit to when I saw him showing up and spending time with her until I found out that every time that he showed up, he had her take him to lunch somewhere, never offer to pay. Always take take take. He never just came by to spend time with her. Now, when it came time to take care of Mom, she had been diagnosed with dementia and she had lymphedema very badly in one leg, I had to step in because my brothers would not. I asked her what she wanted because she could no longer live and drive by herself and even took her to a lovely retirement community to see if she would enjoy that and she said, "I want to be with you." I did not cozy up to her, have ulterior motives or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, it has changed my whole life. Now I can only work part time, monitor her safety, compression care for her bad leg, manage her whole life for her as she can't do it anymore. My brothers go on vacations, and have their freedom and I am the one they would say is the favorite and greediest. Well I am always broke now because I can't work full-time, and even took a job doing caregiving (which pays very little) so I can care for my mother like a professional and save her $$$! I would have LOVED my brothers to be involved and spend time with her without trying to extort what little money she gets a month but sadly that is not the case. Again, please don't think I am attacking you or saying this is what is happening in your family but there is always the other side of the story. I nor my husband did not sign up for this, it is what my mother wanted. One can only say, the other siblings don't call or come by if that is TRUE, and if my brothers had been involved and cared, I would not be in this position. Sorry if I offended you at all, it is just a very touchy subject to me because they have NO IDEA what I go through every day taking care of her in the best way I can and wish to God that things were different and that we all worked together instead of having a broken family.
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2ndBest,
I too am sorry to hear that is your situation. I would rather not have all the responsibility nor the control over her finances, that really puts a lot of pressure on me to make sure she will have enough to get her through the rest of her life without going broke! I have a great financial advisor and a money savvy husband watching over her investments to make sure she does well. Also having her live with me and me being the caregiver saves her thousands rather than putting her in an assisted living facility so I am actually looking out for her at my own expense! She was a nurse that spent her life (until she was 74 when I got her to retire) in convelecent facilities so not only do I know how expensive they are, I have also seen how awful they can be too! I could never dream of it. My brothers have made it very clear they are only interested in what they can get out of her instead of what they can do for her. It is heartbreaking after how she spent her life sacrificing for all of us. I do not know how long she will live but I can be d*mn sure she spends the rest of that time happy, safe and content. My job with her will only get harder as dementia only gets worse and then I will have to care for her full time. I dread that thought but we find a way through things and pray for sanity!
LOL! The saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." How very true.
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Rainey69, no offense taken whatsoever. I fully understand that each and every family is different and sounds like your situation is such that you are the one doing all the caregiving and your brothers were the greedy takers. There are plenty of families like yours where the one doing all the caregiving is doing it out of the goodness of her (his) heart and has nothing but the best interests of their elderly parent in mind. But there are exceptions to this, which I believe is the case for my family and my husband's family. Greed is such an ugly trait, and sad for a family when it takes over. I believe my sister positioned herself to be in total control of our mother after my father's death. I believe my husband's brother did pretty much the same thing with their mother. In both cases, they are the primary caretaker and also 100% in charge of all the financial and medical matters. I think having all of this control solely in the hands of one person is a recipe for disaster because that power can be abused. It makes it very easy for that one person to manipulate the situation, con the mother into whatever they want, and possibly commit financial exploitation with no interference from any siblings or other relatives. It makes it easy to exercise undue influence on the elder to get them to change their estate documents in their favor. The implied threat of abandonment is a very persuasive tool to use on the elderly person. They believe they have to keep the child that has control happy or they may quit taking care of them. There are just all kind of reasons for spreading the control around among siblings instead of giving it all to one. That is the point I am making here. I am so sorry for your situation and I can totally empathize with your wish that you and your siblings could all work together instead of having a broken family, as I feel just the same. But sometimes for whatever reason(s) our siblings do not grow up to be the people we wish they could be. We learn who our siblings really are when greed comes into the picture. In my case, my mother and mother-in-law are both oblivious to the fact that their "favorite" child is in it for the money. The good thing for me is that I don't need anyone's money, so if it is all given to the greedy sibling it's not going to either surprise me or disappoint me.
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Rainey69,
As you know,I am in the same situation with my 2 brothers and this is very touchy for me too.How I wish we were a circle of care,a unit,everyone involved and helping but every single need or want Mother has is up to me to do.I am deeply hurt because we were raised the same way and we all grew up with a handicapped Father and they just don't seem to care about Mother or I at all.My Mother misses her sons and says so and it breaks my heart.
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2ndBest,
I have to play the Devils Advocate on this as one of my siblings would write almost exactly what you have written about me. It is far from the reality of it. Now I am not saying this is you so please don't feel like I am attacking you. My brothers never did squat for my mother most of their lives. Only when they needed something did they come over or call her. When I noticed she was becoming very forgetful and becoming a danger to herself and others, I asked my one brother to express her concern about driving since she was getting into fender benders and forgetting where she parked. etc. The only time she saw him was when she drove all the way to the store where he worked because he rarely came by to see her. I did not want to be the only child telling her I did not want her driving anymore. He said he would but he did not. He never even came to spend time with me even though we had no animosity at all toward each other. My other brother is a basket case and a prescription drug addict that I actually gave credit to when I saw him showing up and spending time with her until I found out that every time that he showed up, he had her take him to lunch somewhere, never offer to pay. Always take take take. He never just came by to spend time with her. Now, when it came time to take care of Mom, she had been diagnosed with dementia and she had lymphedema very badly in one leg, I had to step in because my brothers would not. I asked her what she wanted because she could no longer live and drive by herself and even took her to a lovely retirement community to see if she would enjoy that and she said, "I want to be with you." I did not cozy up to her, have ulterior motives or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, it has changed my whole life. Now I can only work part time, monitor her safety, compression care for her bad leg, manage her whole life for her as she can't do it anymore. My brothers go on vacations, and have their freedom and I am the one they would say is the favorite and greediest. Well I am always broke now because I can't work full-time, and even took a job doing caregiving (which pays very little) so I can care for my mother like a professional and save her $$$! I would have LOVED my brothers to be involved and spend time with her without trying to extort what little money she gets a month but sadly that is not the case. Again, please don't think I am attacking you or saying this is what is happening in your family but there is always the other side of the story. I nor my husband did not sign up for this, it is what my mother wanted. One can only say, the other siblings don't call or come by if that is TRUE, and if my brothers had been involved and cared, I would not be in this position. Sorry if I offended you at all, it is just a very touchy subject to me because they have NO IDEA what I go through every day taking care of her in the best way I can and wish to God that things were different and that we all worked together instead of having a broken family.
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In both my family and my husband's family the widowed mother has a favorite child that she wants in total control of her health and her assets. Sadly, in both cases, the favorite child is the greediest and has had their eye on the big prize for years. This favorite child has spent the past 20 years cozying up to their mother to position themselves as the one in charge and the one to ultimately inherit all of her assets. Because the mother is flattered by the favorite's "devotion" to her, she puts all of her trust in that one person as they further alienate her from the rest of her children. They do this by claiming to be "the only one that cares", constantly reminding the mother that no one has called her lately, etc. I have seen this in action and it is the biggest con job I have ever witnessed. But it's exactly what our mothers want, so who are we (other siblings) to interfere? It's very insidious and sadly happens more often than we may realize.
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Well its very abnormal but by today's standards it seems to be very much the norm. It's sad on so many levels. I hear such stories from so many people that it leads me to believe that being there for the people that brought you into this world is not balanced by all children by any means. Our times are changing and its very, very sad.
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@msdaisy. i do not have support for my mom. i am just saying some families do and that should be considered "normal" and this other way abnormal
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oh let me tell you Sonshyne8 this is more normal than you think! It might not be your normal but when the chips are down, and our parents need us more than ever, it is more common than is the norm for one child to pick up the slack for the others. I'm glad you have had a great support system and everything was perfect and honky dory in your situation but understand ALOT of us haven't. In the end it is all our own conscience. I'm glad my sibling was there but in all honesty it was all too little too late. Just my opinion.
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just wanted to say this is not the case in every family and i don't think we should see it as "normal". my hubby has 2 sisters, and when dad entered hospice, sister #2 came down from Va and stayed almost nonstop til he passed. 5 weeks. sister #1 lives about two hours away and she was there often through the first four weeks and all week the last week. hubby and i were there every weekend and then all week when it got bad.
so please don't excuse our siblings by saying this always happens. because it does not. some families all the kids are caring and loving and honor the parents and do what is right. i sure hope my kids will!
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the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.
and i am there
i just don't care anymore
and while i will miss my precious mom beyond imagination
the ONE thing i am looking forward to is never having to have any contact with any of my siblings ever again
a book closed
a door sealed
so ready for that!
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Hi Linda22 - I just want to add my experience, that I'm still learning at 71, almost 72 - how to concentrate and identify and work towards my own goals. I neglected those when I helped my disabled brother for so many years - I don't regret that effort and I'm glad I have more understanding now - but I joined "Underearners Anonymous" - to help myself, when I found that even with lots of time, I still pursue distractions and fear to help myself grow! I'm glad to be making progress, and am writing to just say, you have good years ahead, whatever age you are, and it's a pleasure just to make time and work on some of them - that's the best form of detachment there is. Only after helping myself now, do I look around and see if my brother needs something. I help when he has a crisis, as I'm the most knowlegeable, but then I detach and do my own work! Progress not perfection! Best of luck with your dreams and goals!
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carla, I'm right there with you on the whole feeling guilty because we detach from a toxic parent. My sister and I have been the best daughters we could be, for decades. What it got us is health issues and guilt, yes, real guilt. Not because after all of our efforts, our mother is not happy and we've had to detach from her for sanity sake. But guilt because being the best we could be for Mama left our own families being priority #2 sometimes. I realize that her elder years is not the optimal time to detach, but the only way I can make up for my emotional absence is to be present for them from now on.
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If your mom has money to go to assisted living, then she has money to buy things. Why are you footing the bill? Perhaps you can hire a mediator and meet with your siblings and get things straightened out.
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Luckylu, we are kindred spirits in the world of dysfunctional families, yes it is heartbreaking, it isn't how I would have liked things to be. I have enough material to write a book on this. My mother too raised us to be caring and empathetic so not sure what the hell happened to them!
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Sorry you are going through this.I have 2 very selfish,self absorbed brothers too and I am the only daughter and youngest like you.Mine won't help with anything and they were raised way better.It's heartbreaking...
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Those two have rarely done anything for her even before all this. I was the one always doing the work around the house, landscaping, improving, painting, etc. When the one found out she was giving me 50% in her will and 25% for each of them, the war was on. I asked him why he felt he deserved an equal share for all my hard work and he said nothing. Seems all they both care about is her money and not her. She is not rich either. When we sold her house and got this property where I could care for her and still keep my marriage intact, he was furious. Why? It was his hopes she would die in her home and he would get his share of the sale of the property. Little did he realize she had to sell so she would have money for her retirement which is in investments. I challenged his anger and said, "Wait, this is about the money, isn't it?" There is no other reason as he surely did not want to care for her and her being with me, she would have the best care and he would have nothing to worry about! Instead, I am the bad, evil daughter who in their eyes got all Mom's money. That's how they see it. Her money is in investments and the property we got has gone up significantly in value. She will never have to worry and she is happy. She would be paying 5 to 7K a month in a home most likely being neglected, I have seen it first hand even in the poshest assisted living facilities. They do not need money to spend quality time with her but that isn't what it's all about, actions speak louder than words or an occasional card on a holiday saying " I love you."
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Wow, your mother did a great job of raising you - how kind you are, to want to give her care, in the best way for her. I imagine you will both enjoy each other's company as you are kindred spirits!

Sounds as if your brothers have not learned to support themselves and their families, have no extra for your mom - are used to her footing all bills. That's not all that unusual, but it would be nicer if they don't have money to spare, for them to try to find some other activity they could give, to show their care and support - even mow the lawn, or offer a MD visit, or what? Maybe if you could imagine something that could be nice - stop by for 1 hour or less, en route home from an activity every week with the kids - prepare a simple photo cards without lots of clutter on them, but with clear names beside the kids photos - that can keep mom updated on who's who, in a way she can look at when they are not visiting. have a twice a month Scrabble tournament.... We caregivers can see what's needed, or would be nice, others don't see it so well - I know, they may try not to look, but that's often after trying and failing - they then give up!
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I can relate however I recently booted my worthless, mooching brother off the property PERMANENTLY! I am the only caregiver and I have two worthless brothers. I am the youngest and the only daughter so my mother wanted me to take care of her. It is hard, but I am glad she chose me or she would not be so well taken care of had it been up to either of them. One wanted to put her in an apartment down the street from them, the other wanted to put her in a nursing home. My mother was an RN who spent her life working in nursing homes until I got her to retire @ 74. That is when her dementia started surfacing. How on earth could I put her where she spent her life? She also has lymphedema in her right leg that needs constant care or she goes septic. So, she lives right next to me so I can care for her properly but I had to quit working full time and took on a part time job doing caregiving so I could learn how to take care of her like a professional.
My one brother never shows but the obligatory holidays so he can feel like a good son, maybe once a year, and the other brother would come by frequently until I found out he was having her buy him lunch everytime. I told my Mom she can't afford that and it isn't right. After that, his visits became much less frequent. Then he asked her out for Mother's Day lunch and had her foot the bill for him, his wife, their child and her parents. I was furious! The following Mother's Day, he called her to say they would be late coming by because THEY were all going to lunch! Then he started coming by and asking her for money. I finally said, "No more, you are no longer welcome on the property!" It was very hard to do that to a sibling but enough is enough. He had also added that they had recently returned from a nice vacation. They can afford vacation but he needs to ask her for money? I don't get a vacation, ever. When she passes, I will be thrilled to look at both of them and simply say, "Have a nice life, goodbye."
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1GivingUp - hi.

Sounds as if you have been doing what you can - seems to me you should just decide in your own heart, what is reasonable time for you to spare now, and go over regularly, regardless of whether or not they accept your help, or whatever they say later. I'd guess they don't care so much now about your early departure, but they've noticed it gets you triggered when they bring it up. You might just say, if they mention it only - "I was young, I did what seemed best at the time. I'm home now, and glad to be closer again." And try to not say another word. And stay as long as you planned - if it's 15 min, say, I'll go now, and I'll be back again later! - In other words, try to stick to your goals to help at this stage, whatever they say or do. And once you've done what you feel you can, what's best at this time, leave, and work on your own projects. Make those a priority. If you're thinking of a job, take a time of exploration, and also work on your resume. Or a hobby, whatever goals you would have, if you were not dealing with them. It's a double whammy if you let yourself be derailed again - now it is great, you are trying a new way, trying to see if you can manage to have a positive life, while living nearby and helping. So work hard on doing that. Set your times, visit, help and go home, and develop other goals. Then go back. And forth...! Best of luck. I'm a former caregiver and have learned how hard it is to develop my own path, so I recommend that you start on that, build some positives in your life, and say prayers or whatever, to help yourself leave the worries about their comments out of your mind, and do your stuff. AlAnon is a good place for support with detachment!
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I became my divorced parents caregiver by default b/c my brother & sister are useless ex-con, drug addicts that took my mom & dad for every penny they could. I was not going to let my dad be homeless & penniless. Mom was also penniless. What could I do? I spent nearly $10,000 bailing dad out and I bought mom a condo next door to me. She pays me minimal rent. I have controlled dad's finances since December of 2013 (when he nearly lost his house). His wife died last April & I am trying to persuade him that living with me would not be so bad.

My sister even had the gall to tell me that when mom died & she got her inheritence she was going to buy a condo. I told her that mom did not have any assets just SS. My sister very matter of factly said, "when mom dies & her townhouse is sold. Then I'll get my inheritence." I was speechless! Who thinks that way???

I am very careful to keep track of every penny I spend on dad's behalf. I used to sent my brother a copy every month. I guess he realized that dad did not have any money left & told me to stop sending the copies of the checking account debits.
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MsDaisy - I have to fall in with jeannegibbs and vstefans here. Not everyone is like you. Not everyone will miss a toxic parent "immeasurably" and want them back when they're gone. Not everyone will feel guilt over not doing "everything humanly possible" for a toxic parent. Not everyone aspires to be a "good child."

I aspire to be the best person I can be, but being a good daughter really isn't part of that. I never chose to be a daughter to begin with - why should I care about being the best daughter I can be? This is a role, like caregiving, that was thrust upon me without my consent. If there were someone else available to take care of my mother, I wouldn't be doing it. And I'd be thrilled, not guilty one bit. What I miss "immeasurably" is the five years of my life I've wasted tending to my mother's needs when I could have been pursuing my own goals and plans, goals that I think are far more worthy in the great scheme of things than making a selfish narcissistic old person's time on earth as pleasant and comfortable as possible. Not everyone is like you. Don't presume to tell other people what matters to them.
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I still wouldn't recommend detaching. Sorry. I understand your point believe me I do, sometimes we have toxic parents with toxic personalities I'm not denying that by any means. But having said that I would gladly have my toxic parent back then no parent at all. I did everything humanly possible for my Mom was she happy? Not sure! Would I do it again in heartbeat? Absolutely yes! As a child I have ZERO guilt. I did everything humanly possible to make her happy and keep her safe. At the end of the day I have ZERO guilt. I just wish I had her longer. Can't say the same about my sibling. She wasn't really there. :( So when I say don't detach I mean it. If you detach you are inevitably going to find guilt in something. So not worth it. Be the best child you can be and make the best decisions by your parent no matter what the situation. At the end of the day its all that matters.
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msdaisy, detaching does not have to mean abandoning, it may just mean not taking responsbility for making someone happy who cannot be happy and not letting their negative feedback create and/or destroy your self-image any more. It may mean no longer expecting the kind of love and reciprocity that they were never or are no longer capable of. Most people stay in touch when they can. You will hear of some who felt forced to "go no-contact" - which I guess could be considered a very extreme form of detaching, appropriate for very extreme abusive situations, but that is not needed most of the time and not what most people mean by detaching!
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I would not detach. Especially if you think she has dementia. When our parents get older oftentimes the personalities they had at an earlier age are exaggerated and more pronounced as they age. I would continue to help and help often. When they are gone they are gone and the pain from missing them is immeasurable.
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1GivingUp, give your mother what she wants. Start detaching from her life. Stopping in to see Dad when Mom is out with sister might be a good bet.

It's not you. It's them.
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